I mean does it?

I haven't begun to physically transition yet, but everything just feels so bleak and difficult. Everything looks dark and there's no guarantee that I'll be happier. As my Mum keeps reminding me - 'this one big problem will lead to hundreds of little problems'. I want to be myself. I know who I am at my core. I know I need to live as a girl. I also know its' definitely not going to be an easy ride, and I'm very much up for the fight. I will do whatever it takes.

But at the same time I have such fears and insecurities. There are no guarantees of anything in this life. It is very luck of the draw. How can I believe those that say it gets better? I mean, will I really be able to wake up every day and not feel sick at the sight of myself? Will I really be able to cope around cis-girls and not feel sick in the stomach when I see them? Will my life really flourish? Will I really start to see myself in the mirror and be happy? It seems like such a far off dream. Like a fairytale.

In your opinion, does it get better? Are you happier now? Is there hope?

Quote from: lauren3 on January 20, 2012, 07:20:22 AM
I mean does it?


In your opinion, does it get better? Are you happier now? Is there hope?

Short answer, yes!  There is hope, it does get better, and I am happier now than I have been in my entire life.

This is a long dark road, but there is light, life and color at the end.

It does not solve all your problems.  And in fact will make many more.  As you may know, there are endless steps and potholes to work through.  There is no white knight that will sweep you off your feet and take you to his castle.

BUT, you will learn that you have an inner strength that you may have never seen.  You will demand that the world accept you on your terms.  And do you know what?  It will.  Few have that strength.

You will still have to make your way in this life, there are no easy shortcuts.  You'll still have to pay the bills, and all of that.  But you will find that you will have pride in yourself.  You will feel NORMAL.  You will walk with your head high and proud.

You will look in the mirror and smile.

Instead of a dull existence, life will be full of color and the air will be sweet.  Because you will have set yourself free.

-Sandy

Yes, it will be better, but that won't come right out the blue, it needs work and dedication.
Guarantees, no, you won't get any guarantee, nobody has that in life and we're not making an exception.
Like Beverly said, some things won't change and a female life is not better than a male life, it's different.
If you think that different suites you, well baby, where are you bloody waiting for....GO FOR IT and fight for your happiness, it's worth it.

IT DOES GET BETTER!  Let me say that right now. 

Secrets carry a heavy weight.  Throwing it off your shoulder's can't help but provide a smile of relief. 

It isn't a bed of lilies, but perhaps it is a bed of roses.  The lilies (oriental I refuse to plant any other kind) smell and look wonderful and have no thorns.  Roses (not tea roses, but old heritage breeds of something from David Austin) still look and smell wonderful, but yes there are thorns.  If you run wildly nude through the roses you will be ripped to shreds.  But if you approach them with patience and planning, awareness, and confidence you may have all the aroma and beauty you wish.  I can amaze my wife and kids with how deeply into a berry bramble I can wade because of these traits.  It is one of the few things I value that was taught to me by my grandparents.  Move slowly.  Already know where your foot is going BEFORE it moves.  Move smoothly - if you are nervous you will tremble or jerk and catch your clothes or skin on a thorn.  And obviously you have to know where the thorns are in relation to the berries.

Patience: You want to start NOW and be done tomorrow.  I understand that so did I.  But you have to learn to walk before you can run.  I'm 3.5 years into my transition and while it is moving fast for me now.  Look at it in these terms.  Lets say that you can only increase your velocity (how fast you go faster) by half of your current speed (how fast you are going).  So while it may seem nothing happens for  the first year or two, before you know it you are moving as fast as you are able.  But that takes time, we promised it would get better, but we didn't promise it would get better tomorrow.

Planning: You need a general path.  Obviously you can't go so far as to put dates on things, but the ordering is important.  You need to see a therapist before an endo before you get hormones.  You need to consider the time you can still pass at work/school once starting HRT.  These are the types of plans you need to make.  Sometimes just knowing that when X happens Y will soon helps calm the dysphoria.  Neither is here now, but you KNOW in your heart they will be soon enough.

Confidence:  Come to terms with your difference (or decide you aren't), but either way be sure you are you.  You would be amazed at how much easier passing is when you are sure you are a girl/woman.  People sense that and you gain a huge benefit of the doubt.  Also it makes it easier for you to make the hard decisions.  HRT is considered 1 way after a certain point.  FFS/BA/GCS are all one way.  If you are sure of yourself then there is no worry there.  I've also mentioned this before, but I truly believe that there are always millions of opportunities out there for us.  It is only that we do not see them.  Learning to accept yourself and be confident will let you see some of these shortcut doors.

Awareness: Know yourself, understand the process.  Sure it may take a year to get a letter, but if you understand it is part of the process then instead of saying I have to wait a year you can say I am walking down a road to X.  It gives you a sense of purpose.  This is also about seeing those doors around you.  Some of them are minor, but some are major miracles and if you see the opportunity it leads to drastic change for the better.  Also understand your mood.  Often if you know you are sad/depressed you can react a different way and fight your way out instead of letting it feed on itself.  Year before last had a serious bought of depression (weeks long).  It kept getting worse and worse.  I tried all kinds of things.  Walking out and visiting with the animals.  Checking on our meat birds and talking to them.  Stopping at the wildflower patches we had planted in the field and enjoying the variety of color and height, but while they helped temporarily they didn't make it go away.  And then one day I was getting ready to go outside and work on something for the farm.  I had put my hair into a high ponytail to keep it out of my face and workspace.  As I whirled away from the mirror I caught a sidelong glimpse of the ponytail lift away from my head and all I saw was girl.  Seeing that one simply action started the climb back to normalcy.  I could see myself again and I was again confident inside my self and those doors opened right back up.

And since most of those are considered virtues you come out of this an even better person than going in.

I wish you the best of luck and may you find all the best doors in your path.

Quote from: lauren3 on January 20, 2012, 07:20:22 AM
. As my Mum keeps reminding me - 'this one big problem will lead to hundreds of little problems'.

I'm not sure what you Mum means here, if she is being encouraging or not. So I'll say this.

Whatever you do, it will lead to hundreds of more problems.

The only thing I will say to you, is take your own pace. Take your own time. You don't need anyone's permission to exist.

Quote from: lauren3 on January 20, 2012, 07:20:22 AM
'this one big problem will lead to hundreds of little problems'

Everything in life has hundreds of little problems once it moves beyond a fantasy and a plan and into the real world.  Think of anything significant you would want to do and then look at what it takes and what it implies. You want to be president?  Give up your private life and compromise your beliefs thousands of times over.  You want to be a doctor? Work 80 hours a week for 10 years just to get there and then work half your weekends.   Pretty much everything has good an bad and easy parts and hard parts.

Yes it does. But your mom is right there will be other issues you have never considered. Being a woman has problems men never have to deal with. But these are tiny compared to living as the wrong gender.

When my Mum asked me something similar I said:

"Yes there's no guarantee I'll be happy after all of this, but if I stay as I am, I am guaranteed to be unhappy."

I probably nicked that from a book mind you, but it's hard to explain to my family why not changing was no longer an option for me.  It seemed to help them understand a little.

Quote from: Laura26 on January 20, 2012, 04:36:37 PM
When my Mum asked me something similar I said:

"Yes there's no guarantee I'll be happy after all of this, but if I stay as I am, I am guaranteed to be unhappy."

Great quote

Lauren,
You have to learn to love yourself.  If you can not love yourself you will be stuck in an endless loop.

There are many steps in transition.  Some find peace with a few.  If you can love yourself and you are trans then most people I know are happier.

Indeed, that is a great quote and it's exactly how I feel when people ask me why I want to transition.

Lauren, all I can tell you is to be patient.  In time, we will all become the person we are inside, outside.  I have an endo appointment in almost three weeks and I literally struggle to make it through the day at times because it's the #1 thing on my mind.  Seriously, right now, almost everything else I do is literally second to it. But I have no choice but to fight through because I know eventually I'll get to where I need to be, so hang in there.

Quote from: likealolita on January 20, 2012, 05:05:32 PM
Seriously, right now, almost everything else I do is literally second to it.

And this too will pass or it should. I do know a few people who are years post op and still go to weekly "group therapy" etc. Yes I will always be "trans" but it's not the focus of my life anymore.

Well in my experience I started taking hormones and there was initial excitement. Then I got more confidence.
I don't see the same thing in the mirror as I used to, I see myself as pretty as everyone else seems to see me now.
it makes me feel better.

You will climb out of that dark hole honey.

Once, about a year ago, I was in the deepest abyss. I remember expending one weekend on bed, without standing up or eating, because I didn't have the strength to. Panic attacks and depression almost destroyed me and many times I found myself a step away from suicide. There was no help for me, no Endo to accept me, no Psychiatrist to refer me, no GP to send me somewhere, nothing. The only thing I could have were antidepressants and other medications to control anxiety. To top this, I'm a medicine student and this field is very demanding, and I had to pass my exams.

I was really in bad depression in those times. I had many major symptons, such as lack of sleep, concentration, lack of hunger, and  in general it felt I was swimming in water, the air was thick and the world was gray. I can't possibly describe how rough it was for me when this crisis, which is the event that led me to transition, hit me. My family didn't understand me and I live alone, most of the time there was no one I could talk to or seek help. Absolutely no one, except of course, here, these forums.

Things got so bad for me, I could not bring myself to look at the mirror, so I put a towel at the mirror in my bathroom. I couldn't shower because facing my body was unbearable, and it took a great mental effort to do my personal hygiene. It was common for me to expend 2 hours gathering the strength to undress. My voice was so strange to me, I stopped talking.

Eventually I was given antidepressants as I mentioned, and they allowed me to gather a small amount of strenght which I used wisely to begin my transition. I trained my voice everyday, and even if I had a male appearance I began using it. It was never a matter of what anyone else was thinking, because talking with a male voice got so unbearable. I cleaned my face with laser as quickly as I could and then began HRT.

If before I was in the deepest darkness, now I had found a new meaning to life and realised there are unique and beautiful things in the botomless abyss. As my patients began referring to me with female pronouns, it was like a song to my ears and it gave me the hope I needed to go forward with this, and the certainty this was the right thing for me. I am not done with my transition or even with the second puberty that HRT has given to me, but I have newfound peace and even developed Faith in God.

It does get better.

Yes... there is both hope and happiness to be had. But it takes time, patience, and money. A good deal of all three. My best advice is not to rush things or get to hung up on how fast things are changing. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Rome wasn't built in a day. HRT needs time and adjustment in order to work properly. It does get better. Trust me.

Also...

Quote from: Beverley on January 20, 2012, 07:33:21 AM
Whether you are male or female, the cat still needs fed, the bills must be paid, someone has to put out the rubbish for the bin collection and you can still be arrested for speeding.

There are some things transition will not change. The one big change is that it should make you more comfortable about being yourself, but nothing else really changes. All your other problems come along for the ride.

Beverley

This passage is so very true. You may change, your face may change, your body may change, but the world around you, your place in it and your interactions with it stay pretty much the same. Transitioning may change you, but not the world.

 
      "Yes there's no guarantee I'll be happy after all of this, but if I stay as I am, I am guaranteed to be unhappy."
good sentiment Laura.

I had a similar dialogue with myself. At a trans social group I attend, the leader asked what we were most afraid of. My first answer was "being openly my true self". But then I realized that was not true anymore, even though it had been for 60 years. My second answer was that I am now most afraid of NOT being myself.

Staying the same - accepting my biology as destiny - meant I was never fully alive. It will cause problems, and I am choosing to fully live life.
     

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 20, 2012, 10:32:41 AM
The last year has been the best of my life. And I'm expecting this year to be AMAZING.

Me too I started hormones 10 months ago and this entire trip has been the most interesting and fun experience I have ever had

I'm expecting this next year to be even better! There is so much I want to explore and learn

No. It doesn't get better. You MAKE it better. The universe doesn't owe us happiness, it's up to us to create our own experiences. There is no guiding force in your life that will do anything for you, other than your own desire for personal fulfillment. It's totally up to you how you experience you life. Imagine for a moment how terrible life would be if we were all on some type of "rail" with a predestined fate.

yes it get's better. Being trans is like being a politician. You are always being judged, but if you are even tempered and politely state your case over and over without fatigue then people will accept you.

In practice I struggle because i'm super fiery.

* In practice I struggle because I'm super fiery. *

I have to admit... me too - at times. Is it the hormones I wonder or yet another "I'm born this way..."

But if it happens --- "It doesn't really get better" not then, for the time when you loose it. Grrrr

Axélle