Am looking for a good therapist nearby at the moment, and I had planned on coming out to my family after I have actually gone through a good bit of therapy. I wanted to write them a letter and be calm and strong and everything, but last night they asked me if I wanted to be a boy, and I lost it and turned into bucket of tears and snot. So much for being the strong one, oh man.
They are supportive in the sense that they want me to be happy, but they don't quite believe that I'm actually transgendered because I enjoyed wearing dresses and girly things before, and wasn't boyish from a young age, etc. I am relieved that they know, but I feel guilty that they seem so worried, helpless, and sad because of me. I also go through periods of doubting myself. Am I really a guy? What if I'm just making it all up in my head for whatever reason? I'll have made everyone worry for nothing.
In a weird way, it feels more challenging and taxing when people I love are worried about me than if they hated me and found me disgusting. I don't want them to worry because of me. I am so used to coping with my identity through daydreaming, imagining that I were a boy in some fantasy land. I've never felt so much real emotion before and I want to hide in a pile of blankets.
Going to focus on getting therapy and seeing if transition is right for me. One day at a time.
