It sounded really odd to me and I was also guilty about the thoughts of "I want to do that" that would flash through my mind.

 I laughed. I was extremely happy when I stumbled upon the discovery... which happened to take place on Andrea James' site when I was twelve. I couldn't stop smiling - it was like looking at the face of salvation.

I was intrigued at first, but in denial that it could ever apply to me. Then I got to thinking and realized it was something I had always wanted since I could recall debating with myself about my gender.

I knew about the topic way back when I was 4.  Thing was at that time I didn't think too much about boys or girls because I was the middle child of two other brothers, my youngest I had to set the example for and the eldest I had to pretty much keep calm because of he was mildly autistic.  The most I did while growing up was wear my mom's shoes. This meant I had no me time and didn't until college when I was 18.  I didn't fully grasp what I was until 21 and really didn't act on it until I turned 26.

So backstory aside, how did I feel?  ... like I made the discovery of a lifetime and had to learn more.  The only thing that got in my way of finding out more on the subject quicker was school, the military and work. Yeah, it felt like a smiling scoff, smiling that nagging feeling I had within me had a solution and that I wasn't alone but also a scoff in that I didn't think it would involve me being trans.

I was aware of the concept long before I realised it was the path I needed  to take to find contentment in my life.  That was when I was able to feel like a ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders, rather than an interesting bit of medical trivia.

I really started going forward before I realized what I could do. I told somebody I didn't identify internally as female and I never had, and I sort of blindly bumbled on from there. Had no clue people might have a problem with it. Didn't know how difficult transition would be. I'm still kinda pissed about how people hold this against us. Like any of us woke up one day and said "Yeah, I want to be an outcast, and I want to require hormones or surgery to feel comfortable, that'll be so cool!"

I knew vaguely about MtFs before college, and had the impression that they were all hyper-feminine and binary-identified, etc. I've always wanted to look like a boy and pass as one, but never thought it was possible so I brushed that thought to the back of my mind. I'd look up crossdressing tips from time to time, and was searching for chest binding methods and came across FtMs for the first time in freshman year of college (about 5 years ago). I was fascinated! Still didn't think it could be me, because I didn't realize I was trans until recently. So even now I am learning.

I was nearly out the door with intent when I discovered.

I don't even remember when that was, but I know it was very gradual.

When  I was 13 years old is when I found out that I could do something about myself. I'd been masquerading as a girl online for years before that - but it was on a Sunday afternoon as I was flipping through the channels on the tube that I caught the very tail end of a documentary on trans people. It was only the last 30-40 seconds of it, and I wasn't entirely clear on what the subject was, but, huh, what's this? People have changed their sex...? Uhhm. Hmm.

The thought of it just dug into me, like a nail in my brain, and I couldn't stop thinking about what I thought I heard on TV - and wasn't sure. The following Monday, I happened into the library at school and struck up a conversation with the librarian, formerly a nurse. This was par for the course - I was friendlier with the staff than the student body, and would go to lengths to avoid having to interact with them (and avoiding the constant "you're a ->-bleeped-<-" taunts). I happened to mention that I caught the end of a documentary about changing gender, and asked her if it was indeed possible. She said, "Yeah, it's a routine surgery, we did it all the time at Stanford."

That was my moment of clarity. I realized I could fix myself then and there. I didn't say anything to her of course other than mumbling, "huh, interesting." But at that point I knew there had to be an explanation for it; something in the medical literature. I borrowed my then-psychiatrist's copy of the DSM-IV, and flipped through before finding GID in the manual - and I knew that I finally had an explanation for everything. I did a lot more research, hit up Webcrawler for searches (anyone remember those days?), and reached out to some TS's...

At any rate, for me - how I felt - relief! I felt a clarity of purpose that I never had. I knew at that exact moment what I had to do, what I needed to do to make my life right. I seriously regret that I didn't do it in my teen years... and wasted the last 15 years of my life hiding and binge eating, putting on an extra 200 pounds, just because I wanted to be numb to my feelings. Wanted to make the world go away, just daydream about things being right... bah. At least I'm doing something about it now...

I thought "Damn, I should have done this earlier"

I first found out as a six year old on the school bus. I declared, "I wish I could have been a boy!" or "I want to be a boy!" And was told, "You know there's a surgery for that." Unfortunately, the boy who said that loved mocking me, so thinking he was mocking me then, I said "Nuh uh!" Later on, I saw a documentary on tv that was going through mtf and ftm transitions. It fascinated me. I did research, particularly once I got to university and joined a trans group. However, I'm still questioning.

I had the feelings of feeling transgendered at age six, always wishing to wake up as a girl.
I found out about the possibility of SRS in my early teens in the mid 1980's and sadly, the only information out at that time in the media were the sensationalist type.

For the aussies:
I distinctly remember an interview with Caroline Cossey on 60 minutes (my mother dragged me away from that one - "That person is baaaaaaaaad, you shouldn't be watching this).  Also an article in the SMH "Good Weekend" interviewing Carlotta from "Les Girls" - I secretly re-read that article quite a few times.  There were a few more programs like that on on occasion, and it was so hard to feign disinterest.

Sadly I didn't know where to turn to for help, and the lifestyles that were described for TG people in the 80s was scary and that put me off for the longest time about doing something.

I discovered in a series of magazines (printed in the UK in the 80s) called "Doctor's Answers" that my mum subscribed to. She was a nurse and into biology. It featured April Ashley and the whole SRS procedure and RLE without HRT! Later, in secondary school, in a biology lesson, the teacher discussed Caroline Cossey, including the Smirnoff advert where she's riding the Loch Ness Monster. All the guys in the class were very impressed. Even the hardest guys said "they would". My head was thrown into complete turmoil. I couldn't stop myself from blushing. It felt like my deepest, private thoughts and goals were being discussed openly in class.

Actually, I can't really remember how I felt when I discovered the possibility. I'm sure I felt quite elated and relieved.

I knew about it for a while, but I had an ingrained fear of trying to look up anything about it after I was yelled about for looking at sites of other religions, primarily the atheist faith that call themselves "satanist" in the ironic sense. Combined with that and a fear that it was too late because I was fat and hairy and it wasn't until this month really that I took the notion seriously in my head. Mostly what sealed it was vids on youtube showing people going through a year on HRT, then I realized that not being scared and working hard would overcome anything, and that even if I'm not going to become a model, I will be 100% closer to looking who I feel.

I felt relived, excited, and not scared, for the first time ^^

As a kid I knew I was different to my male peers, I finally worked out at 12 what the difference was.. And then promptly jammed that thought in a dark, dark place.. I knew all along that I could change, just didn't get around to doing it until there was no longer other option..

Quote from: luna nyan on April 30, 2012, 05:41:54 AM
Also an article in the SMH "Good Weekend" interviewing Carlotta from "Les Girls" - I secretly re-read that article quite a few times.

I've met Carlotta, actually had a few drinks with her on a couple of occasions.. She's a hell of a woman - and quite a personality..

I felt like everything suddenly made sense. I was so excited about my discovery I immediately told all my friends over MSN what I'd found and what amazing news it was.

Also like Felix I sort of felt like if I just went to a doctor and informed them I wanted to do this then everything would be hunky dory and the doctor would fix everything and my life would be brilliant. Also that if I cut all my hair off wore boys clothes and told everyone I was a guy then they had no reason to question me or berate me for it. That everyone would find this as exciting and amazing as I did. Lesson learned

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on December 31, 2011, 11:21:21 PM
Denial, transitioning only happens to other people, that's what I was thinking.

I'm still stuck in this state of mind 90% of the time.

I felt: "I am in Heaven"

Quote from: kelly_aus on April 30, 2012, 07:16:47 AM
I've met Carlotta, actually had a few drinks with her on a couple of occasions.. She's a hell of a woman - and quite a personality..

She comes across as such when she was on that show "Beauty and the Beast".