Aloha roughly means, "Live with the breath of life." It does not mean hello and/or goodbye although that is the common English definition.

So hello, forum! And aloha!

I am a female who is packaged as a man. I am closeted for now (no HRT) but I am out to many of my closest friends including my fiancé.

I am ready to start my transition. By, "Start" I mean it.

This is a wonderful place and I am amazed by the information I have already found.

I had to register and post because I am absolutely amazed at how honest this community is, and I wish to express my gratitude.

I may have questions or I may just lurk. Either way, this community is helping me transition and understand the process.

I am not young... 35... but I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Also, I am an actor. I am pretty good too. Perhaps it is why I am not afraid of this transition. I have acted all my life. Playing myself will be the role of a lifetime.

Aloha,
Tori

Hello Tori 

Welcome to Susan's. I trust that you will enjoy your stay with us.
If you have any questions, fire away. You will shortly be welcomed by a moderator as well with some "house rules".

Well, what are you waiting for? Start with your transition as soon as you can. Go see a doctor and please, please do it the right way.

I'm 46, so in my eyes you are young. 

Starting the HRT rollercoaster can only be described in the following way : Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on! You are in for one hell of a ride, but worth every bit!

Hope to see you posting soon.

Huggs

Maegan

Hi Tori. Welcome to Susan's. You will find a wealth of information here pertaining to your transition. Good luck.

Alyssa

Hi Tori, welcome - it is a huge relief when you stop trying to pass as a man .

Hi Tori,

I'm ever so glad you found us. Welcome to Susan's, all the way from the land of Oz. It's useless telling you that this is the best family round, because you already know that. I'm so pleased to have your trust. We value that here.

You have a remarkable attitude that is going to pay immense dividends for you. How you described yourself, proves beyond a shadow of doubt, this is the right thing for you.

You have a wonderful perception of us. You mentioned how we appeared so honest. And quite honestly, do you think Maegan is 46 ? Honestly I think that's her street address. She looks not a day over 35. Wouldn't you honestly agree?? 

She is right, thought, when she said; "Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on! You are in for one hell of a ride, but worth every bit!"  Although I'd hold off on the "shut up" bit. We like to know how you are coping, so you need to tell us. Makes the journey easier.

You have already noticed the abundant information and resources, just wait until you are down at the pointy end of the stick. The phenomenal wealth of experience from those that have "walked the talk," is almost beyond belief.

Look forward to hearing more from you in the coming months. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Hi Tori, it's nice to meet you! You can all go sit at the kiddies table, I'm 50. Get busy posting and I'll see you around, hugs, Devlyn

Oh Catherine, flattery will get you everywhere!!
Thanks for the nice compliment. I am turning, ahem, 47 in May.  Luckily, estrogen keeps us a little younger for a little longer.

Huggs

Maegan

^_^ Welcome to susans.

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

@ Maegan, you do indeed, look youthful and fantastic. Your avatar is quite the aspiration figure!

@ Catherine Sarah, thank you for the kind words! And you too, are stunning! Don't worry about "Shut up", I know what Maegan meant by that, and she certainly did not mean that I should be silent around here. I know some posters here can be easily offended but I have very thick skin... especially online. I do however, appreciate your instinct to nurture and comfort this particular newbie. No doubt, such support is needed by all of us from time to time, and to receive it from a virtual stranger! I am touched!

I have many hurdles to cross. Right now, I am still talking things through with my fiance. Yeah, she has known for quite a while but when I came out to her a year ago, I didn't feel the need for HRT and told her so. The catharsis of sharing who I am with the one I love was actually good medicine for several months. Alas, it was not a cure. Being myself is the only cure... and my "Self" has been absorbing the wrong hormones for far too long. Fortunately for me, she loves me for who I am. Unfortunately, she does prefer men. With our wedding only a few months away, I know this is quite hard for her... but she is dealing with it like a champ.

Then there's potential kids and life after marriage... etc. It is odd seeing her go through a pre-wedding identity crisis much like I have had to deal with my entire life. She is worried I will turn straight! She even said, "Straight" instead of "Gay"! Ha!!! So what if I do? I have always been attracted to male personalities, but my penis has never responded. Perhaps, as my hormones change, I will feel differently but I can't imagine my love for her fading simply due to HRT. Physical attraction? Perhaps. How do I know? I'm not Nostradamus... or even Miss Cleo!

So...

This is the first hurdle. Working through the process with my gal. We have time. I do not intend to start HRT before the wedding. She deserves a traditional wedding, and wedding night... otherwise, our wedding will be all about me and my transition. I can stay in the closet a while longer.

But... before we wed, I may get the ball rolling with counseling... couples counseling and personal GT.

Overall, I feel closer to her than I have in years, and am amazed by her support. I am willing to delay the hormones for a while in order to start a family the old fashioned way... but I would love for our child to live a life with two mothers. Better to be born into it than to discover it while in grade school. I am a female inside. Barring a miraculous switch in my mental gender, that feeling will never change. Only I can change myself. Better for our child to have two mothers than a mom and a depressed dad. Yeah, I know... I can also use a sperm bank... but why not use my "Bad" parts for something good before I block male hormone production? If this takes too long... then, sperm bank.

On a side note... HORMONES! My Goodness! Now I have a reason to quit drinking! I have recently cut my intake in half and it has been the easiest thing ever! Next, I cut THAT in half! Time to use my liver for something positive instead of a slow and drunken suicide!!! I have learned why I drink... and it has nothing to do with addiction. I just needed to escape the reality of feeling wrong all the time. The goal of feeling like ME is far stronger than my need to drink. What a discovery!

I AM transitioning. Transition is a state of mind. I am in that mindset. It won't be long before I start becoming my true gender, but I have months to prepare and do this the safe and sane way. I do not want to rush things. I just want to keep moving in the right direction for who I am.

Sheesh! Get me talking and I may never stop. I suppose I have said enough for now.

Thanks again everybody!
Tori

Hi Tori,

WOW !!! You've spent a long and lot of time working through this matter. You have given it the respect it deserves. You have an amazing partner.

Maegan is certainly good value here, and I know what she meant. She's part of this awesome family, and experienced quite a bit. ...... in her young 35 years.  Must be something wrong with her keyboard, keeps putting up the wrong numbers. 

Thank you or your kind words. I appreciate them. I wish you ever success with your counselling, as I feel that will give you further insight into your combined future. I would suggest that you both undertake it prior to the wedding. That "I do" commitment is serious stuff, as you already know. Only you two are in control of your destiny. And you already have a clear vision for that.

Make sure you do your homework on the effects of hormones, particularly with respects to changes in your thinking and perceptions. You've kept an open mind on everything else apart from that.

Keep up the mighty effort you have put in so far, and be safe, well and happy. Both of you.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Catherine, my fiancé says, "Hi". She's a fan.

As for hormones, I don't know what to tell her. You suggest that my mind is not open on that subject. I haven't had HRT and the common theme around these parts is YMMV. My goal is to transition into womanhood. I want weaker arms, a fat bottom and breasts. I will become sterile. I will grow breasts. I will eventually need an orchi (at least) and I can't wait for electro-shock. I will find kittens extra cute. My face will fill out. My pores will become smaller. My skin softer. I will cry because I don't know why I wasn't already crying. Chocolate may taste better. My sex drive will most likely plummet. I will, in a sense, go through a second puberty.

Catherine, as an Aussie, surely you know how well a parent can teach a child to swim... but if a parent only makes their child read about swimming, said child will most likely drown upon getting in the water for the first time. If my mind is not open to the effects of hormones, please enlighten me. I want to know how to correct this issue before I continue my research... and my conversation with my future wife.

Many, many thanks,
Tori

Quote from: Tori on January 26, 2012, 05:20:39 AM

I want weaker arms, a fat bottom and breasts. I will become sterile. I will grow breasts. I will eventually need an orchi (at least) and I can't wait for electro-shock. I will find kittens extra cute. My face will fill out. My pores will become smaller. My skin softer. I will cry because I don't know why I wasn't already crying. Chocolate may taste better. My sex drive will most likely plummet. I will, in a sense, go through a second puberty.

Yes, yes and yes to most of that. (especially the kittens  ) I wish I could get a fatter bottom!!

Regarding the hormones, only you can decide whether you want to tell her about it or not. It sounds as though you have the support from your fiance. Discuss everything with her (Assuming that she knows that you will be turning into woman). Be open and honest.

I don't know how to tell Catherine that my keyboard is fine, that I really am 46, but hey, I love the compliments!! Please don't stop! 

Please feel free to ask me if you need any support or just want to chat.

Many hugs

Maegan

Hello Tori,

Please say hello to your fiance for me. She is some awesome partner. I respect her opinions and social position.

You are indeed a very perceptive individual. I commend you for reading between the lines and sensing my reservations. I did so, to acknowledge the advanced open relationship you currently have with your partner, and pending counselling opportunity. I didn't want to be intrusive as you appear to have the situation under an advanced form of management. Highly commendable.

However having said that; and in response to your hypothetical parental scenario, let me provide you with some personal experiences. You will already understand that each individuals journey is quite unique. What is good and works for one, does not necessarily work and is good for another. Also as a generality, it is understood that one persons transition is everyone transition. People in your circle of influence need room to move and adapt to these horrendous changes as well. Published figures in this respect, indicate that more than 50% of these relationships do not survive.

Let me address two issues I have a concern with from what you have said so far. Given the fact I'm not privy to your fiances opinions and thoughts on the matter. To a large degree I'm sailing in uncharted waters and as such may say something inappropriate, causing me to flounder. The two issues of concern are, the effects hormones have on an individuals perceptions and ways of thinking; and your relationship in context of wanting to prioritise the wedding first, transition second.

Firstly. HRT to be successful in MtF transition relies upon the reduction of 'T' and an increase in 'E'. This can have a radical affect to the brain by stimulating more 'E' receptors, changing and remapping various parts of the brain to a more"feminised" version. The changes you eluded to are more or less related to the physical changes HRT has on the body. Similar changes to your mental perceptions and ways of thinking may also occur.
These changes, may or may not be acceptable to legal partners, possibly creating undue demands/expectations resulting in irreconcilable differences.

By way of personal example, once I made the decision to transition and commenced HRT my preceptions of men changed substantially. 12 months ago my attitude toward men was somewhat distant. Not being able to trust them to any major degree, having been abused by them during my formative years. My perception of them now is totally different. I perceive them in the light of being a potential husband and looking forward to the day I can enjoy fulfilling sexual relations with them. Note well. This is not every TG persons perception.. It simply gives an indication of the possibilities one may encounter.

Secondly. Although I can understand the euphoric feeling you both may be experiencing regarding the pending wedding; plus the fact your fiance will have different perceptions, needs and desires than yourself about it. Based on the absolutely profound changes your transition is going to have on you both; I would think you would need to experience part of the HRT programme prior to entering into a legal and binding marriage contract. Your fiance needs to be able to understand and see what this transition is actually going to do to you, so she can make a well informed decision about where she wants to be in relations to her needs and desires.

Your example with teaching the child to swim, is very apt. My desire as a parent to ensure the safety of my child and promote the enjoyment, swimming can provide. The child's need to experience what is perceived by them as a enjoyable recreation and being socially acceptable, may come to a cataclysmic end when the child enters the water. They may be overcome by the cold temperature, power of the current, possibility of being taken by a shark, drowned in a rip, etc, etc. Could see the child scarred for life, never to go anywhere near water ever again. These factors weren't know prior to getting into the water, nor was there the slightest indication of them. The intent by both parties was good; the experience by one was fatal. 

Hope this has shed a little further light on the possibilities of your journey. You mentioned, " electro-shock"? Can you elaborate on that? I'm not sure whether you are referring to electrolysis, Electro Convulsive Therapy or something else.

Just in summary. Having re-read your second post.  I'm wondering
1. Whether you fiance is aware you now wish to engage in HRT.
2. Your current propensity to be "attracted to male personalities" may be heightened once on HRT. (i) How does your fiance feel about that? (ii) How does this change your overall perceptions? (iii) In your journey to womanhood; can you perceive being the bride/wife?
3. If item 2 realised itself, and your love for your fiance waned as a result. (i) How would you deal with this post wedding? (ii) Or if it was latent; post children?

There are may issues and scenarios like this that need to be canvassed by you both, pre wedding, through a therapist/counselor. My humble opinion.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Catherine,

1st things first. Electrolysis. Not electro-shock. I may have slipped up myself but I am going to blame apple's auto correct. I probably spelled it wrong and my device did the rest.

Logistically, the wedding has to come first. I finish Grad School this semester then a week later we have a wedding in an exotic location. We are not rich. Tickets have been purchased. Plans have been made. Extended family will be there. Some of this extended family (on my side in particular) will freak out when they hear the news of my transition. I fear my mother would be blamed for encouraging them to go to a wedding that became an outing.

I'd rather come out after these people have a recent memory of me and how great I am.

I am neither worried about my immediate family nor my fiance's.

It is not worth it to me to make this wedding day a side show in order to transition a few months earlier. It would take something away from the day we both envision. Plus... I don't need to be on a new hormonal cocktail in my last semester of school. You think SRS is expensive? Try Grad school. This degree will open doors post-transition that would not be available otherwise. Artistic doors. The arts community is very LBGT friendly. So is my fiancé.

The two of us have been together for over ten years. We are best friends. We've been through things (lived less than a mile away from the WTC when it fell... etc) that can make transition seem like a rather small hurdle.

As for therapy, I side with you. She on the other hand, does not want any having bad therapy experiences in the past. I will not force her hand. I can only continue to encourage it. She does appreciate the option being available.

I have been very open to her about sexuality. I could very well go from being a straight male to a straight female. It is not my intent nor desire. Rather, it is a potential side effect of my cure. We'll cross that bridge if/when we get to it. Why prematurely morn the loss of my inner lesbian? She may never leave.

Below 50%? Just like any other marriage? We can live with those odds.

She prefers me happy and open rather than depressed and closed to the world.

I think I have addressed most if not all of your concerns. I will keep encouraging therapy and being as open with her as I am with y'all.

In a perfect world, things would happen in a different order. I am honestly excited to come out. 

Thank you,
Tori

p.s. Don't worry too much about my feelings. It makes typing difficult and I have a brain full of T right now. I can take a little bluntness. You won't put me back into my shell. This conversation has been too valuable. I know your intent is noble.

Quote from: Maegan on January 26, 2012, 07:13:09 AM
Yes, yes and yes to most of that. (especially the kittens  ) I wish I could get a fatter bottom!!

Regarding the hormones, only you can decide whether you want to tell her about it or not. It sounds as though you have the support from your fiance. Discuss everything with her (Assuming that she knows that you will be turning into woman). Be open and honest.

I don't know how to tell Catherine that my keyboard is fine, that I really am 46, but hey, I love the compliments!! Please don't stop! 

Please feel free to ask me if you need any support or just want to chat.

Many hugs

Maegan

Thank you Maegan,

I will no doubt, have many questions... if I don't already.

My fiancé and I do have a VERY open dialogue and she is beyond supportive thus far. We've covered everything from potential changes in sexual attraction to the health reasons for getting an orchi. I am not hiding the scary stuff from her... however, I am deliberately pacing our discussion so she doen't get overwhelmed by too much info all at once. 

She also, has been very open with her questions.

I honestly can't think of any major topics we have not covered. It has been amazing how supportive and understanding she has been. She is a keeper.

Thank you again,
Tori

Hello Tori,

Thank you very much for your gracious reply. As I suspected, you have these events (your transition and wedding) under an intensive management plan. There are not many stones left unturned. I complement you both for your openness, understanding and commitment to your relationship.

I'm also very appreciative of your sharing your personal feeling in the way you have, and trying to paint a comprehensive picture of such intensity having been developed over such a long and intimate time.

I wish you both every success and fulfillment of your desires. With the amount of effort you have both put into this relationship, I see nothing but positive and unimaginable outcomes. Albeit the few minor ones that will occur under such profound remapping and redevelopment of yourself. Those will no doubt be short lived.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

P.S. Curse that predictive text. Can get you into a lot of trouble can't it. Here's me thinking someone has conned you into ECT and it's only electrolysis. Particularly when ECT is still used in Denmark to so called "cure" this disease?? of TG.

Ha! I was going to make a joke about how electro-shock therapy would finally numb my brain to the point of finally becoming the bimbo of my dreams... but being new here, I didn't know how well that would go over.

I have had years to plan. I almost came out over a decade ago but for a variety of reasons, mostly the lack of a social network, and a compulsion to finally lose my male virginity, I stayed in.

Ever since, my gender issues have ebbed and flowed but they have never left... and I don't want them to.

It took me years to come out to my fiancé. I needed to know she would be ok with me. It took even longer to decide to transition. I needed to know I would be ok with me.

In my 20's my body was ready but my mind wasn't. Transsexuals are SO misunderstood, and I was not prepared to be a poster child. Now, like I have said, I have developed a thick skin. Bring the haters on. Also, I am mature enough to be myself, even if I never reach my physical ideal (what woman does?). I think at my age, I won't be as vain about cosmetic surgery as I would have been. My mind is what needs medicine. I embrace my future changes. I even get excited thinking about talking to my wife about cute guys... a thought I never would have had if it weren't for your posts. I embrace my transition and my future unpredictable hurdles.

Your concerns have been so maternal I am truly inspired.

As a guy, I have learned to be a real jerk in social situations. A defense mechanism. People who see through that curtain truly see me for who I am. Others aren't worth my time. My circle of friends would not find my transitioning self any more offensive than my male self. I'd just may be physically offensive for a few months/years. Then I'd finally be me. better to be a temporary girl/man in public than a jerk IMO.

This forum really makes me consider my words carefully. It is good practice.

Hugs back,
Tori

My fiancé is amazing and so is my family.

I could tell stories but I'll wait until I grow my forum boobs.

I was depressed today after a week of euphoria.

My gal got home and showered and for some reason, I cried like a girl as I waited for her to get ready to talk.

Cried like a girl?

I am so glad you asked.

I got misty eyed!!! For twenty minutes. I EMPATHISED with HER situation!

It JUST happened.

I cried like a girl!!! For the first time in my life!

No hormones. No playing a girl. I was me. Crying! Healthy tears. Like the person I am. Not since I have understood the differences between sexes have I been this free.

Then she came downstairs and talked to me and lifted me out of my poor state and back into euphoria.

Kids, honesty is a great policy, but finding someone to be honest with is priceless.

That said, she WILL NOT SHARE. So I guess, if we shop for boys it will be window shopping only.

Poor me. I am a girl, trapped in a lesbian relationship with a selfish straight woman.

Oh, and my family rocks!

Oh, and by "Cried like a girl." I need to be more specific.

I've cried often as a man. I've teared up at movies a few times a year on average. I have a cathartic wail every few years.

Tonight I was MISTY eyed. I had to keep clearing my eyes and there were no tears just massive amounts of humidity.

Yay.