This question is in absolutely no way meant to be inflammatory or even judgemental, but I'm just genuinely curious because it was never a consideration of mine.

I knew from an early age what I was going to do, kinda how I was going to do it, and marriage to another woman was never part of the plan... and for a long time, because I wasn't really engaged in any form of community or peer groups, I assumed that is how it was for most people.

However, since my tentative dabblings in various online TS communities, including Susan's, I'm finding instead that I may be in a minority if visibility is anything to go by. So...

If you knew or felt that you were transexual beforehand, why did you get married?

And I guess the supplemental question would be: Do you regret that decision?

I'm aware that this may be a raw question for some, or open some wounds for others, but thanks in advance for any insights that can shed some light.

Quote from: Kiera on April 01, 2007, 07:04:11 AM
So, tell us once again why you are bringing this up? 

Seriously? Curiosity or just plain old nosiness. 

Honestly? I couldn't have imagined doing it myself, being more physically interested in men than women. However, I also had my ways of dealing with doubts and difficulties, and they involved some serious drug habits. But I'm whole now.

Stormy,

I got married for three reasons:

    1, I fell in love with her
    2, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and,
    3, That's what men do when they feel that way.

I believed I had successfully integrated my male and female selves and that, while it would be difficult, I would spend the rest of my life as a female soul in a male incarnation.  It just didn't work out the way I predicted, something my wife is still angry at me for.  The coping mechanisms failed and I had to begin transition.

hugs & smiles
helen

Quote from: HelenW on April 01, 2007, 09:51:30 AM
Stormy,
I got married for three reasons:
    1, I fell in love with her
    2, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her

Yes, Helen, ditto here.  Strangely, at this point, this has not changed.  I would also add my #3:  DENIAL.  I really did not know what was going on, and it is only when I look back after many years that it becomes so clear.  But I realize that, in a strange way, the physical side of our relationship is so important to me because by it I completely participate in the physical female.  OK, so I am really wierd for saying that, but it has been a realization to me lately.

You didn't ask "SHOULD" and that is a very different question for another time...
Kristi

Quote from: HelenW on April 01, 2007, 09:51:30 AM
It just didn't work out the way I predicted, something my wife is still angry at me for.  The coping mechanisms failed and I had to begin transition.

Life's got a habit of getting in the way of the best-laid plans. Thanks for your candidness, Helen.

To awnser your question with a question, should anyone regret fallìng in love? But heres my story. As a child yes i knew i was different and only at the age of 15 did i know what that was, i decided to egnor it and live my life, i had many failed relationships cus i wouldnt commit. I never ever felt love as a child from my parents or as an adult until i met my wife. After meeting her the GID got easier and i truley belevied i could live as a man. Now the GID is bak with avengance. I dont regret a thing.

I knew exactly what I was, and what I desperately wanted to do since I was a small child.

BUT.

I was young, there was no internet to learn from, and at the time it didn't seem there was anything I COULD do about it. All I knew was that some people "got a sex change," which simply meant they had some sort of genital surgery and started crossdressing after that.

I also desperately craaaaaaaaaved being around women. So, when I met a girl who seemed to enjoy being around me too, it seemed to make sense to get married. We enjoyed each other's company, we had great times together, sooooooo...

It was only AFTER we got married that it started to become obvious that we were best girlfriends more than intimate, heterosexual lovers. Don't get me wrong, we had some great intimate times, but overall... the TS thing dragged and dragged at our intimate relationship from our wedding night on.

Do I regret it? I regret not realizing earlier that I really did have options to fix this. I regret that even when I DID realize I had options, I still continued to TRY and avoid transitioning then, simply to avoid destroying my wife's life and breaking the promises I had made.

But I don't regret meeting and marrying my wife, when viewed apart from the pain I'm causing her. She truly is the most incredible, magical, kind and beautiful person I've ever met in my life.

Kate

I was very young, 19. She thought that I was who she was looking for, and seemingly loved me. It is very alluring to be loved, something I wasn't at all used to. I was in denial, on most levels, about my identity, and had gotten seemingly good at suppressing and fooling myself. Then there are the general psychological issues. Looking back, I see where she was a good partner for someone with transgender issues, as she required so much maintenance, that I could focus on her stuff, and would be distracted from my own. She was so good at manipulating my emotions, and I let her, that it "worked" for years, but at a cost of much misery.
Yes, I regret marrying her. But I didn't see that there really were other options. I feared and loathed my TG self, and did everything I could to suppress and deny.
Blessings, Tara

Well for me, first off some of you will think this is weird, I got married for the first time when I was 31(and was still a virgin!!). Because I guess deep inside me because of mt gender issues, I didn't care for sex at all.
Well the reasone I did get married was because my family asked me to just give it a shot. Well I met a woman who would become my first wife. She and I lived in the same complex.
We dated for 6 months, and then got married. What was that old saying about not really knowing someone before you live with them? Well, that rang very clear for me. She had way to many problems. (bipolar, manic Deperession,and borderline sitzophrenia (spelling?)) And she would drink from morning till she past out at night. Well after 5 yrs, it killed her ( beer mixxed with her meds).
Well I decided to make another try, because I really couldn't count that as a marriage.I met my persent wife, 6 yrs ago, and we dated for 8 months and did the deed. It hasn't been easy, her dealing with the TS thing. But, for now shes handleing it, even goes out and buys me clothes,on a whim.
I do feel bad making her have to deal with me and myTS,it just aint far to her.
AS far as regrets, very much so, knowing that I've hurt her because of my
GID. Ihad always told myself, that I wasnt going to get married, or get close to anyone,and then cause them pain or hurt them because of the way I am.
But it didnt work out that way. So, I do the best I can.

I didn't get married until I was 30 and there were many times I thought that was too early.  I was and still am physically attracted to women and almost all women want to get married.  There's  lot of things you do that you don't even think about.  Society does a pretty good job programming us and I suppose I had bought into the whole grow up and get married idea but there's no doubt something in the back of my mind was telling me marriage wasn't the answer.

Why did I get married?  Why did I wait until after I was 50 to begin transition?  The answer to both lies somewhere in the fact I believed I could never transition.  Sex change was something other people did, not me.  I totally believed that.  It just seemed too good to be true so I settled for the guy life.  Even now, there are still times when I'm in disbelief I really am doing it.

Denial, programming, brainwashing, there's a lot of reasons.  But what really matters is that the pain will soon be over and I will enjoy at least part of my life living as the real me.

Julie

Bacause I loved her dearly, and I thought she did too....
Because she asked ME to be HER wife.... that totaly floored me...
because this was the one person I cared about enough to stop being a slacker and actualy try to make a life... not just for myself but for the both of us....
Because we were liveing together and made the mistake of gettng joint accounts and fileing our taxes together before the actual wedding....

She is my ex fience, but technicaly we were married <commonlaw> and still need a divorse..... *sigh*

I loved and still love my wife very very much. Yes I knew I was transgendered before we were married but I deluded myself into thinking I could keep my transgendered self bottled up. And I did it, pretty well for 23 years. I regret putting her through the last three weeks, that's for sure. I often wish I hadn't told anyone and could get back into my bottle. But I have to believe that we will come out of this with an even stronger marriage or at the very least an amazing friendship. I do not know if I will ever transition and if I do I do not know that she will stay with me.

Like Kiera, I have two wonderful children and I know my wife agrees that all we are going through right now is nothing compared to the joy (and challenges) that they bring us. So, no, I wouldn't change a thing if it would mean that those two wouldn't have been a part of my life.

Debbie

Quote from: Lucy on April 01, 2007, 10:51:56 AM
To awnser your question with a question, should anyone regret fallìng in love?

I don't know; it's been a long long time since genuine love was in my life. These days it's sublimated through a passion for my work and close relationships with friends. Yet, at heart, there is loneliness and sometimes sadness too.

People don't always marry those they love, people sometimes marry those they don't really love... as was the case with my parents.

My GID as personally experienced was such an overwhelming drive that taking that into any relationship without placing it at centre stage would have been anathema to me, which may give an indication of why I'm still single. Transitioning can be such a self-centred process; there's often little room for others.

Thanks for all replies. It makes for interesting and also thought-provoking reading.

I didn't know.  I knew I had a lingerie fetish, but it evolved during my second marriage to something more.

Now I have a husband.  We're old and our passion is all tied up in just loving each other (that IS old).  We're happy, both postop, financially comfortable (well, there is never quite enough), and trying to enjoy a part time retirement and potential move to Maui in a year or two.

Robyn

Quote from: Julie Marie on April 01, 2007, 01:43:21 PM

Denial, programming, brainwashing, there's a lot of reasons......

Julie[/color][/font][/size]

I too, have always been attracted only to women.  At a very young age, I had this pervasive idea though, that I was a girl, but when the testosterone kicked in later, those thoughts faded in a haze of testosterone dominance, denial, etc. 
So, as a teenager, I was a male.  Only once in a while did I fanticise about being a girl.  Then, in my twenties, I was a man's man.  Outdoorsman, outdoor career.  White water, wilderness, etc......with.....an occasional stray thought here and there of being a woman.  But like Julie said....that was something other people did, not me.  I was married, head over heels in love, and 2 kids.  Not me.

Gradually, as I reached my 50's, and the testosterone subsided some, the thoughts came back more and more, then fast and furious.  It became intolerable to reside within my own skin at some point.  I thought 'maybe I could feminize a little bit'....phytoestrogens, large doses of saw palmetto.  What a joke.  Then, I thought of altering my own physiology by overloading my liver, raising my estrogen levels..............

It was at THAT point, I knew I had to do something rational.  I had to do it the right way. 

I'm feeling  w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l  ......  now.

Bev

For me this is a very complicated story. I went into excruciating detail in my book.  The short version is that my church leaders counseled me to get married after I discussed my problem with them.  And there was this wonderful girl who loved me and I loved her.

I would not have married knowing what I know now.  But I also have two wonderful children that were a result of that union.  They would not be here had I not married.  Even though my daughter has cut me off, I'm so happy that she is in this world. My son and I still have contact.

And yes, I was a virgin when I got married the first time. 

After my transition, I married a wonderful guy.  We've been together for 15 years now and I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world. We still love each other dearly. We never have an argument. We trust each other implicitly.  I can tell him everything (and I do).

There is hope kids.  Really. Life is beautiful.  Just stand up and face it head on.

Chin up!

Cindi

Because I fell so deeply in Love with my very best friend and lover, and I had never experienced anything even remotely resembling this before in my life.

I had been in love several times in my life - all with other girls only - but this was something different, unique, completely special. Legends can, should, and probably will be written about this woman's love, giving, patience, and especially her strength in loving me, and staying the course for all these years - and often with incredible hardships between us.

We have had our share of real, honest to goodness "Barn Burners" over the years, and now been married still for almost 12 years. We became best friends, and then best lovers for 2 years prior to that.
Somehow, we've always managed to get thru it - and keep loving one another - no matter how bad it's been.

It was truly a "deeply mystical" sort of experience - for both of us - the day when literally,
it finally happened. I had never been so dead sure to the core of my whole being on anything like that - EVER before in all my life.

I awoke to my realization one day after a deeply moving and very positive personal experience between us had occurred the day before.
I discovered right then, that next morning in all my heart and mind, that i did in fact, already KNOW that i had a very full plate, so to speak - and better than anything i had ever known before. Why keep looking.

And that was that. I was on the kitchen floor, on one knee proposing - 2 hours later ( i woke up early that day) as she drank her morning coffee. It was winter - we'd just had a big snowstorm the day before.
We had been living together against huge family opposition from all sides for about 6 months.
Everything was beautiful and scary, and full of both conflict, and new magic for hope in our lives at that time.
She accepted my proposal that morning, and We were married 2 months later. Still think it was one of the very best things to ever happen in my/our lives. It was supposed to be.

She is still my best friend, forever soulmate and life connection, and we are still surviving somehow as we struggle through this. - she could have left - many times - and will if she ever feels that is what she wants, but we are best friends - truly - always will be - and we would still be completely miserable without one another in a lot of ways.

Time will tell, I can only hope and strive to be a better mate than ever before in the hope and dream that it can and will (maybe)(possibly), somehow last. Neither of us is ready to quit yet, either.

Thanks for asking,
Sincerely,


Annagirl

Quote from: Cindi Jones on April 03, 2007, 02:02:55 AM


.....yes, we were virgins when we got married the first time. 

......(we) love each other dearly. We never have an argument. We trust each other implicitly.  I can tell him everything (and I do).

There is hope kids.  Really. Life is beautiful.  Just stand up and face it head on.

Chin up!

Cindi

Cindi.......

These same things are a mirror of what we have also.  We were both virgins, love each other dearly. We never have an argument. We trust each other implicitly, and we DO face life head on. It's the only way.
Thanks for sharing your lovely story.

Bev

The first time I was young we had loads of fun together, she new Cindy, we shopped hug out did stuff girls do etc. etc. then she realized she wanted a complete man and left me. Cindy did not now the internet computer nada until many years later so I remarried this time I tried to introduce Cindy and was rejected after so long I left. The next time I will be in the dress

I didn't marry. And in many ways, I've always envied those who have, even if the transgender thing caused eventual problems. Still, my basic, inner gender duality doubtless contributed greatly to the lack of sexual self-confidence that has kept me single for the these decades. I never dated until I was 21. Through most of my 20's I had a habit of latching onto strong women and, in many ways playing the feminine role in the relationship. Then, after a breakup, I decided I was going cold turkey on dating until I got my life (and self-esteem) together. That was probably a bad idea, in retrospect, for even a relationship with challenges is probably better than none at all. Once you stop doing something, it's not easy to start again-- especially when you realize you have gender issues.

I can't imagine the pain of having to tell a woman you love that there's another woman in your life-- inside yourself. I suppose it might be easier to confess this to a someone you've just met. I know that most spouses of transgendered males tend to feel a bit left out-- if not partially replaced-- by a husband's femininity. Still, there have to be many women, perhaps with bisexual tendencies, who are attracted to the idea of such a mate. Perhaps it's time I looked for one.