My dad has given me so much junk about how "if i go down this [transgendered] path im going to lose all my friends and someone will kill me" how many how you ladies have had such experiences? losing friends death threats OR being attacked at all? I honestly dont think i can handle it if it is true so how is life REALLY like as a MTF?

Quote from: Bridal Wish on February 01, 2012, 09:08:00 PM
My dad has given me so much junk about how "if i go down this [transgendered] path im going to lose all my friends and someone will kill me" how many how you ladies have had such experiences? losing friends death threats OR being attacked at all? I honestly dont think i can handle it if it is true so how is life REALLY like as a MTF?

lucky nothing happened to me physically, but i always carry a butterfly-knife with me.

i'd tell every mtf which isn't passable to carry a weapon with herself, you have to defend yourself.

Quote from: Bridal Wish on February 01, 2012, 09:08:00 PM
My dad has given me so much junk about how "if i go down this [transgendered] path im going to lose all my friends and someone will kill me" how many how you ladies have had such experiences? losing friends death threats OR being attacked at all? I honestly dont think i can handle it if it is true so how is life REALLY like as a MTF?

Mine is great. Actually this last year has been fairly boring. I lost ONE friend who was homophobic anyway and this sent him off into a temper tantrum I've made a bunch of cool friends, my life has opened up and enjoying doing all sorts of new stuff. Still have most of my old hobbies and interests too. Even when I lived for about 8 years of my life as a totally not passing as a male or female genderqueer, only a few VERY conservative friends said anything negative (we are still friends) and never felt any sort of a threat of violence. Just be smart and follow the same rules women follow, don't go out alone in bad area's etc etc.

I've never had a problem, even the friends I thought would be the most transphobic all turned out to be incredibly supportive.  I think the worst thing someone said to me was "I'm hurt that you didn't feel you could trust me sooner".  I've never had a problem with strangers either, even in early transition when I was obviously not passable (I can't believe I wore some of those skirts in public!).  The worst fear of violence I've had was when two drunk guys were trying to chat me up, I was kinda scared that I'd do something that gave me away and they'd beat me up.  There was another time I was out at a pub with some female friends and a bunch of burly guys came and sat down and wanted to talk.  They clocked me almost immediately but were really friendly and treated me as a normal female.

The only real worry I have are my own self doubts, no one around me really cares about my trans status.

Quote from: Zarania on February 01, 2012, 10:04:19 PM
lucky nothing happened to me physically, but i always carry a butterfly-knife with me.

i'd tell every mtf which isn't passable to carry a weapon with herself, you have to defend yourself.

I think a better way to defend yourself is to stay fit and healthy, run very day then on that extrememly unlikely event of someone threatening you with violence you can run away and not ris getting your weapon turned against you. Always travel with a friend at night aswell, or better yet a group of friends. You should take the same precautions that a cis woman would.

My own experience is that no-one really cares that im trans and i have confidence that if something happened in public, said public would be on my side

Haven't lost any friends and gained lots.

Your risk of attack is probably about the same as any other woman's risk. Avoid places and be aware of your surroundings.

I lost my partner and wife. I have almost completely lost my sister, and I will never be as close to one of my brothers as I once was.

But, the amount of integrity I gained is almost incalculable in comparison. You may end up with just an inch to live in, but really, in that inch, you are infinitely free(to paraphrase Moore).

Lets see...

The bad:

-My dad had a major issue with it for 6ish months. Stopped calling and generally made it clear he would never accept it. He is still isn't supportive... but we still have a relationship (and I saw him the other month even... he just ignores the subject).

- I have one homophobic friend who thought being trans was freakish. After speaking to him and discussing his issues, he is MUCH more understanding and is making real efforts to get over his problem. Our relationship is fine now.

- Dating is harder now. Before I was very popular as a "gay guy" (the rare instances I looked for a date)... I can still find dates, but the type of guys I find seem to have more issues / fetishes.

- I get tired way easier and it gets in the way of work sometimes. I also am less able to concentrate / work as long as I could before.... hopefully this is a temporary thing.

The good:

-The rest of my family is really supportive. My relationship with my brother and sisters have gotten stronger. My mother is uncomfortable but willing to help me however I need. My extended family (including my dads mother) are all very happy for me and my relationship with them is getting much better now also. ((So, basically, my dad can't mean ... or HE would lose his family).

-I have made a lot more friends (including a couple close ones). Also much more social.

-People respond to me better and are more open with me. I form relationships much more quickly.

-No discrimination or sense of danger (I go out at all hours of the night, and haven't had any issues... though, I live in LA and don't really go to bad areas of town). Actually, instead of discrimination... I have found people more willing to help or be understanding when they find out.





Other than that.... life is pretty much going on like normal Overall, I think things have been a definite improvement. I'm happier and meeting more people and having more fun. If I could find a good boyfriend, things would be perfecttt haha

thank you ladies... i've been going through a rough time and i wanted to know if there was a reason to go on... thanks i know there is now ^^

I went full time in '06, lost some friends right off the bat, others have dropped over time, still have some though.  My family is overall supportive, although it took a year or two for one of my brothers to come around. My dad was fine with it, even helped me with some of the endo costs and wanted to pay for my surgery, but he was ill with cancer and I couldn't take his money when I'd rather him have used it to make what time he had left as good as was possible.


I've had some harrassment, but most has been resolved satisfactorily. I have a job, not a great one, but its close to home and the customers are nice for the most part, coworkers are great.  I rarely worry about my safety and a few people that live around the store do kind of watch out for me when I am there alone at night. I'm still wary of making friends though, been through enough with that crap that I'm not sure its worth the bother anymore. I don't date even though I have been asked out, that's mostly because I prefer to not get into any sort of relationship while I am still pre-op.

Overall, I like my life, its not perfect, but I see other people with way more messed up lives than I've ever had, so I'm thankful for what I do have in mine.

Everyone's experiences are going to vary and they will all have different tolerance levels for what they will put up with from family and friends, my tolerance level is not terribly forgiving unless I know someone is genuinely trying.

The main thing is to do what's right for you, its your life, not theirs. That's not to say that you have to totally selfish, because you don't, but transitioning doesn't have to be as selfish as so many non trans people seem to think it is.

Like others, I don't make friends really. I tend to know people for a time. But do sometimes become really overly close with some. I've recently realised  I can handle one love in my life at a time.

As for being attacked I have been attacked more times than I can count, physically and in other ways, simply because I'm seen as a weakling, fairy poof.

One thing I've learnt on Susans' is that, when People spent their lives lying to others about who they are, when it comes out, there is frequently a lot of bitterness. This seems to be especially bad for those in longer term relationships, which is very revealing.

It isn't my place to comment on your dad but I do know that is one of the devices many parents tend to use. At best, it's kinda cute.

I lost many friends when transitioning. I don't understand what happened, but my relationships with my friends at university took a turn for the worse due to it. Some people refused to do the pronoun or name change, and futherly went to bad mouth me to other people. Others, keep their distance making judgments. My closest friends were the ones who were harsher to me.

Seens to me now, I didn't have many friends at all.

My parents freaked out as well, sending death threats and being overly violent. I'd say, transitioning CAN BE socially very tough and difficult.but it depends on so many things.

I have not lost any of my friends.  I'm closer to them now.  I've gained about a billion more friends.  I have not lost any family members either, except my crazy religious zealot grandmother on my dad's side.  We hardly saw each other anyway, so it works for me that her bigotry isn't in my life.  I'm closer now with my mother than I have been since I was a child.  I'm also good friends with my ex-wife now - totally unexpected.

As for physical violence, I've never been accosted.  I try to keep a companion with me if out in the city at night, but that's good advice for any woman.  If I'm alone, I stay in well lit areas.  I do keep pepper spray in my bag.  Really, I've even had very few instances of derogatory comments.  Like, three times in about nine months of presenting female in many different public spaces.

YMMV.

Quote from: Bridal Wish on February 01, 2012, 09:08:00 PM
My dad has given me so much junk about how "if i go down this [transgendered] path im going to lose all my friends and someone will kill me" how many how you ladies have had such experiences? losing friends death threats OR being attacked at all? I honestly dont think i can handle it if it is true so how is life REALLY like as a MTF?

How was the pronoun change thing for you and your friends, Cadence?

Life is good for me. My family took a while to see the girl in me, but it worked out. I still have all my friends and my wife is even more in love with me despite her new "lesbian" label. LOL
My son is so accepting as well.  I think it's the way you might approach it that allows people to see it better. Just my two cents.
Let's face it, you NEED to do this right?
Trust us, you'll enjoy the journey because you are finding YOU.

I would have to say that, on the whole, life is good for me, too.

The bad: Of the 9 people I considered to be my family - my parents, my brother and his family (wife and two children,) and my first cousin and her family (husband and one child,) I have lost seven. I only have contact with my parents now.

The good: I remain with my wife and our relationship is fantastic. I have found it far easier to form friendships with others.

Employment even took a fantastic turn. When I began transition I was employed by by a large public (US) university in their IT division (I'm a SysAdmin.) By the time I'd been there a few months I knew I wasn't staying there long term, but I also knew it was a good (read: safe) place to transition. Six months after I transitioned I was recruited by a multinational corporation that leads its field and where my coworkers only know me as the woman I am. I have been able to leave transition in my professional past.

I'm not about to say that the less pleasant accounts are false, but they're far from universal.

Kia Ora Bridal wish,

You win some-you lose some...That's what life is like...

Metta Zenda

The risk of persecution and violence seems to depend a lot on where you live during your early transition and after I guess, depending on how well integrated you eventually are. I had a few sketchy moments early on, people would sometimes read me as trans on the street or on public transport and give me a hard time verbally, or in one case pursued me very aggressively for sex. That phase didn't really last very long though. Self confidence seems to make a world of difference to how people perceive you, I think when I was at my most self conscious and anxious I drew attention to myself for that and people saw me as an easy victim.

As for losing friends.. I pushed a lot of people away rather than deal with the awkwardness of being around people who knew my past. I found this relatively easy but I think a lot of people wouldn't. No one really abandoned me though and I haven't copped negativity from those friends I have kept in my life.

The biggest thing people don't factor in though is that even with a really successful transition, on the other side you're still perceived as weak, easy prey, sexually objectifiable, etc etc. Losing your male privilage is a shock to the system and in my case makes me very frustrated, but of course I wouldn't trade being who I am to get that privilage back.. it's just made me into a slightly bitter feminist.

Quote from: Phoebe on February 03, 2012, 01:46:14 AM

Self confidence seems to make a world of difference to how people perceive you, I think when I was at my most self conscious and anxious I drew attention to myself for that and people saw me as an easy victim.

This is true if you are trans or not. Obviously it's not going to stop every type of assault but in most cases they will look for as easier target. People like that can smell fear and weakness.

You are statistically much more likley to die a violent death as a MTF 10 to 1 odds... It's absurdly higher compaired to most minorities but still I wouldn't say those are bad odds compaired to the other options. consider that 1 in 4 transsexuals kill themselves before transitioning anyway if you ask me taking the odds of 1 in 10 is significantly better statistic.

Yeah begin a transsexual is a curse and I profoundly disagree with anyone who says anything else but ignoring such a curse ISN'T really an answer. Especally if you know you won't ever be happy like that.

It is dangerous I won't lie to you. I use to be much sweeter kinder person prior to my transiton and early months of my transition.

My personality has obviously changed since then and I'm much more abrupt cold-hearted and angry these changes were not due to hormonal changes.
The changes in my personality came through the jarring painful realizations about this world and the pepole who live in it. and that if you fight for a wish like this then it might well cost you everything you ever had in your life.

"Love is infinitely finite" Depending on your personal luck you may learn this first hand. in my case I guess I got lucky here my dad laughed at me but I told him to "<not allowed> off and die" and he became more sympathetic towards me.
My mother didn't talk to me for several months and although better about it now she still gets funny on the issue and honestly at university I made MORE friends than I lost.

Strangers with religious ethics largely considered mainstream will abuse threaten and dehumanize you while still begin venerated as moral saints within the community dispite your own innocence you will be seen as the dangerous pervert who leers up women in restrooms. They will get away with hurting and abusing you their will probably be no justice for you as your chased out of your home your job or other their prejudices crush dreams you had for the future. Any jobs you find will probably be low paid and offer you only a bleak desolate future.

For many months you will have to deal with stinging remarks and comments about your appearance by snot-nosed pompous punks who think their better than you.

Even if your lucky and blessed enough to become passable and escape the backhand remarks of strangers in the street you still have to walk a lonley exsistence devoid of most romance any encounters of this sort you find will be based on you withholding information or you endlessly repeating a cycle were they reject you over and over again because of your cursed body.

So my life as a transsexual... Sad, Lonley, Punctuated by bookends of discrimination and hate. But better than a miserable non-exsistence as the chew toy of my gender dysphora.

So for all it's pain and anguish I don't regret my choice. (Well I still slightly regret not having done it sooner)