Well, it ins't as messy as it used to be, but I'm unsure where to go from here.
When I came out to them, my mother had a psychotic outburst. I had already told her about my desire to change gender before, it had been about a month since I had came out to her before I came out to my dad. I had just arrived from the town I attend university at, and I spoke with her about it on the kitchen. She wanted me to swear to never tell me dad about it, because "he has a heart disease, and he will die instantly once you tell him"
I thought about it for a while, and I considered this was just some kind of fantasy on her part, the die instantly part. I had a gut feeling as well, something telling me I had to do it. So, the next afternoon, I made my prayers and went into my dads bedroom. He is 76 years old (ya...) and I expected the worst. He was just about to take a nap, laying on bed, I sat on his bed at his side and told him. I tried to tell him about dysphoria, how it affected me and why I was doing this. Once I was done, he stared at me blankly and asked me how was my sexuality going.
I told him, this was a matter of gender, not sexuality. His question puzzled me actually, it was one thing I never expected him to ask. He insisted on his question, and I told him my sexuality was fine, and I was into guys. Sadly, the stressful events that happened just a bit later had me forget how this conversation ended, but I recall I left his room without much ado, and I felt like I had accomplished something. Minutes later, my mother came into my bedroom having a fit. She was yelling and telling me I was going to kill my dad and she would never allow this to happen, in addition, she'd never allow me to change and she would murder the psychiatrist who did my surgery (her exact words). She knelled on the ground, lift her arms up to the ceiling and said "I swear by god I will kill your psychiatrist!"
I was quiet and thinking "Ok, not good"
At this point she left my room. My dad came back soon after and told me something like this "Son, you have a lot of hormones, masculine hormones, and I am sure your male side will win. I will go to the church and pray for you, and I am sure this evil feminine spirit who has taken possession of you will go away. Heed my words, you will be married with a woman before this year ends and forget all about this"
So ya, not good at all.
In the following days my mother told me she had bought a gun. The house maid told me she had seen her talking with people she had not seen before and saw she had bought something into our house that she knew was drugs. Her death threats repeated themselves towards my psych and I began fearing for my safety. I had told them about this friday afternoon, sunday afternoon I left my home back to university, not beause I planned to, but because I was fearing physical violence. Before I left, I got the phone number of our maid, to hear from her how things were going.
Anyway, a day after I arrived, I called them. My father told me my mother would not talk to me, but she was fine and I should just listen to what he had told me, that I should quit. Afterwards I called their house maid and she told me they were very sad, crying all the time and she overheard conversations about ending everything in blood. She told me my mother's behavior was extremely different and she looked like she was on drugs. The following day it was the same, my father was calm on the phone and saying things were fine, their maid told me my mother had asked her about cheap hotels in the town I attend university at and she was not fine at all.
So I was fearing something could happen that would lead them to make something really stupid. I called all of our extended family, coming out to everyone, just so someone would call them and speak with them. I told them about everything, guns, drugs, the works. The next day, when I called my parents, my mother was on the phone as well and telling me she would no longer do anything. She didn't admit to drugs or guns on the phone to my dad, but just said she had dropped it.
Up towards this point, they had been loving parents, if not a bit overly-controlling, but still fine parents. I had never seen any sign of drug usage from her. So, following this, we expent 4 months without seeing each other. We still spoke daily on the phone, but they didn't touch the topic. I came back home for christmas, only, and things were OK, though I was dressing with male t-shirts in front of them.
So ya, things took a turn for the worse. Call me insane if you want, but I didn't want to quit on my parents just yet. So I asked my mother over to visit me in January, I told her it was to help me out with daily chores so I could concentrate on university, but actually it was meant so she could see me in my daily routine. I had hopes she would notice it was no big deal. Anyway, once she first saw me arriving at home, she took a look at me and said a hello with an agressive tone, I replied "Is there something the matter?" she then said "Nothing, I was just expecting it was my son who would arrive"
Sometimes she was fine with how I was dressing, sometimes she was not. In the end, I managed to have her sit down and explained to her what was going on with me, and she listened. For a moment, she seemed to calm down about the issue and we arrived at point we can at least discuss it. She, for herself, is fine with how I am changing, clothes and all, but says I will never be a woman and holds it as fact. She is also agaisn't my name change, and at this point, she is very strongly agains't it. Sometimes, she still loses her temper and says very nasty things to me.
My dad is just beginning to see me in female clothings without having a fit. I had lunch and dinner with him in feminine attire, and he gives me odd looks but says nothing. Yesterday he saw I had left the house with female clothes, and today he had my mother ask me to not do this anymore. The result is that I will continue to do it, but not let him see me.
I picked the female name I have because when I was young, I asked her what would be my name had I been born a girl. She said the name to me and I carried it with me. Now, she told me she doesn't agrees with it because, before I was born, there was a miscarriage, she was supposed to be a girl and that was the name they would give her.
The problem is, by the point she told me this (it was a secret), I had already made a social life for me with the name she doesn't approves. My classmates know me for it, there are work scales wth that name on it, my overalls have that name and I had my classmates, teachers, friends and everyone at uni basicaly write declarations saying they know me for that name. The reason for all this crap is because changing your name for TG reasons is tough here in Brazil and aside from SRS, there is no law that properly supports it. So I am going with social acknowledgement and with the fact my masculine name is a embarassement, since name changes for those reasons are supported.
So, and I thank you for reading all this, this is the point of the post. I don't know how to carry on from here. At one side, my name change will be important for my professional life as a doctor and I am unsure of how to go to work without it, because I have been succesful at my gender change so far. I suppose I could tie my hair back, use my male voice and not wear makeup if it doesn't happens.
On another hand, I'm still financially supported by my parents. I have a bunch of money on my name, and MAYBE it is enough to support me to finish university, but I am unsure if I want them to have a huge fit or let them slowly adapt and then do the name change without family drama. It is possible they will just never accept and I am just wasting my time as well.
If I think very coldly about this, it seens to me the best bet is to do the name change thing only a few months before I graduate. Simply because if I do this early, it will offend them deeply and I run the risk of going in debt with my university (it is a private institution). If I go in debt, I will end up with less money than I'd have if I waited. I suppose I could do therapy to handle my dysphoria while I work as a male as well, which won't be for long.
If I take the plunge, it will be tight to support myself at University and I can't say how they wil react, I can't even say if they will really cut my financial support, but it won't be good. I will graduate with my female name and have my doctor's register with the correct name. I have friends who could (in theory) help me in the few months I remain without a job and then I'd be able to pay them back afterwards. My mother says if I do this I will send my dad into depression and it will be my fault if he dies, she also says she will never forgive me for it. I have the feeling it will take her years to cope with the name change.
So, basically, I need to hear from everyone what considerations to make and decisions to take, my situation is very delicate at this moment and I want to decide this with a clear mind.
