hi all, don't know if i'm in the right place. my husband recently admitted he wanted to experience sex with men. i was stunned, but told him he had to be honest with himself, so i would support him. he discovered he enjoyed it. he has been recently meeting and chatting with a '->-bleeped-<-', and they ended up having sex the other night. he said it was the most mind-blowing experience, it was unbelieveable. he says he still loves me deeply, but he feels 'smitten' with 'her'. i'm stunned. i don't understand the whole thing. i did encourage him to enjoy my knickers, so i knew he wasn't a stranger to the crossdressing thing, but knickers is all he likes on himself. but i don't understand the attraction to a crossdresser ('she' says she's a transgender, but if she's using her penis to have sex with a man, is that true? isn't she a ->-bleeped-<- or crossdresser in denial?). any wives out there in my situation? any she-guys out there that can explain what my husband is feeling or going through? have i lost my husband? is he really gay? he still enjoys my body and having sex with me but i feel like i'm second best to 'mind-blowing'. really confused, nearly as confused as he is. can anyone shed any light on what has happened? would appreciate it dearly. if i have used incorrect terms or if something feels offensive to others, i'm desperately sorry. this is all new to me. i don't know the terminology. all i know is my heart is breaking.

Hi Bizel,

Welcome to Susan's. Please read the rules in the Announcements section.

I think I need several clarifications. And please don't take offence either. Terminology is a weird thing but I'll try to explain mainstyle first. A transgendered MtF is a person who was born with male secondary sex characteristics but whose gender is female. The opposite is true for FtM TG people. Cross dressers and 'TV's" are usually males who get enjoymeny from wearing clothes of the opposite sex. They do not wish to have a 'sex change' and gender identify as as a male who likes to wear female clothes, or the opposite. Homosexuals are people who have sexual attraction to people of their same gender.

I, for example, am a MtF transgendered person. I gender identify as female. I'm sexually attracted to straight males, so I'm not homosexual since I'm a woman who likes guys.
Sorry if that sounds complicated.

In your case and your partner (husband) case you need to consider several things. One he has broken his marriage vows, even if you gave him permission. That is not right (IMO). If he was with another person did he have anal/oral sex with them or/and did he let them have anal/oral sex with him?  If the latter then it suggests he has homosexual or bisexual desires.  I certainly cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I have no desire whatsoever to penetrate a guy. If I could maintain an erection for that long (I'm pre-op) it holds no interest for me. If his partner was able to have anal sex with your husband, possibly that person is a male cross dresser. But there are other scenario's .

My thoughts are this:

If what you say is the truth and not some fantasy post, then:

Your husband has been unfaithful.
Before and if he has sexual intercourse with you he needs a full STD/HIV screen.
Whatever he is he is not a heterosexual male. There is nothing wrong in that at all.
I cannot see any reason why a wife would give her husband permission to have sex with another person, sorry!
This is not a good foundation for a relationship.

Cindy

thanks cindy for your reply. it's not a fantasy, it's my reality. i gave him permission to explore because he had been struggling with this issue for a while, trying to deny it. i thought he was bisexual, and though i had hoped he could control these urges once he realised what they were, and would only act on them occassionally, it seems to be a larger issue than both of us realised. his sexuality though, is still in flux. that's why i'm trying to figure out what dangers lie ahead and what minefield we've walked into. i realise he may develop an attachment to another person in doing this.  i want him to be happy, and honest with himself. for me, i'm just trying to figure out what the attraction is. i am a woman, so why does he find this transgender so fascinating? if 'she' has the operation, she will be a total woman and surely the part he's keen on will disappear. i understand her attraction to him as a man, and i understand his attraction to her physical body as it is at the moment. what i can't figure out is, if she is a woman in her head, why does she want to penetrate him, why does she want him to give her oral play 'down there'? that is the act of a man, not a woman. i'm assuming he finds it easy to talk with her because she's having sexual issues as well. she better understands what he's going through. he likes dressing in my underwear and they like comparing. i just don't know if this is the end of us. yes, he's having sex outside of our relationship. no, i'm not happy about it. but if i were in his shoes, i'd like to think my partner would be supportive as it can work. i can't always give him what he needs in bed, but a relationship is more than sex. and marriages face all sorts of hurdles, none are perfect. you work with what you have. if he were lying about it (he's a little too honest, it hurts at times) or doing something else just as hurtful, i would end the relationship in a flash. can and do transgenders pre-op have sex with the opposite sex in such a way? i thought since you considered yourself a woman, you weren't interested in having sex as a man. or is that an individual preference?

Quote from: bizel on February 05, 2012, 02:00:48 AM
thanks cindy for your reply. it's not a fantasy, it's my reality. i gave him permission to explore because he had been struggling with this issue for a while, trying to deny it. i thought he was bisexual, and though i had hoped he could control these urges once he realised what they were, and would only act on them occassionally, it seems to be a larger issue than both of us realised. his sexuality though, is still in flux. that's why i'm trying to figure out what dangers lie ahead and what minefield we've walked into. i realise he may develop an attachment to another person in doing this.  i want him to be happy, and honest with himself. for me, i'm just trying to figure out what the attraction is. i am a woman, so why does he find this transgender so fascinating? if 'she' has the operation, she will be a total woman and surely the part he's keen on will disappear. i understand her attraction to him as a man, and i understand his attraction to her physical body as it is at the moment. what i can't figure out is, if she is a woman in her head, why does she want to penetrate him, why does she want him to give her oral play 'down there'? that is the act of a man, not a woman. i'm assuming he finds it easy to talk with her because she's having sexual issues as well. she better understands what he's going through. he likes dressing in my underwear and they like comparing. i just don't know if this is the end of us. yes, he's having sex outside of our relationship. no, i'm not happy about it. but if i were in his shoes, i'd like to think my partner would be supportive as it can work. i can't always give him what he needs in bed, but a relationship is more than sex. and marriages face all sorts of hurdles, none are perfect. you work with what you have. if he were lying about it (he's a little too honest, it hurts at times) or doing something else just as hurtful, i would end the relationship in a flash. can and do transgenders pre-op have sex with the opposite sex in such a way? i thought since you considered yourself a woman, you weren't interested in having sex as a man. or is that an individual preference?

Well, one cause could be that sometimes females very evidently just happen to be born with penises and sometimes, the female happen to see it as a not so negative fluke of Nature and simply enjoy it.
The same thing is also true for many FTM's, that is, Trans-men whereof some of them truly enjoy having their Vagina and have no wish whatsoever to change their genitals despite not identifying as anything else than Men(Buck Angel is one prime example).

You also said she identify as Transgender. That means that she is neither a gay male in knickers or a ->-bleeped-<-(Although transvesties are included under the TG-umbrella, too), but simply a gendervarianted individual.
Gender comes in many grades, and sometimes some persons simply are their own Gender, or how to put it, and do not restrict themselves to a binary and specific Gender role as they are simply, as said, their own Gender.

So sure, there is nothing that goes against why she would not like "giving it" to him(If she indeed did it by her own free will and wasn't nagged into it or payed, ofcourse, as many pre-ops work as Escorts) despite having a mainly feminine Identity.


As for your Husband, I am afraid you do not have the greatest future ahead of you, on your behalf.
It is an old story and it generally ends the same way. Your Husband is a ->-bleeped-<-->-bleeped-<- now, and once he have gotten the taste for it, it is for good.

This is just my opinion and many may disagree.

First from what you have said your husband is bisexual or gay.  What is attracting him to someone that is a transgender woman is her penis.  It may be easier for him to explore sex with another man if he looks a lot more like a woman.  I would not be surprised if he might find it easier to have sex with a man or a cross dresser now that he has crossed this threshold. 

Some mtf's are not totally disgusted by their genitalia.  She may not mind using it.  If she does indeed have srs then I believe your husband will lose interest in her and seek another.   Obviously I don't know her.  She may be a cross dresser and have no desire to transition.  Either way if your husband is smitten by her it is worrisome. 

Some people have open marriages and have no problems it's rare.  I don't think you were wrong to let your husband explore his feelings.  Chances are he would have done it behind your back eventually.  The question is how long are you going to allow him to explore.  I'm not suggesting you give him an ultimatum...me or her...but I don't believe this will be healthy for your marriage long term.  At some point making you happy needs to be more important to him than satisfying his sexual urges.   

Dear Lady,
          Aside from the moral, ethical, spiritual and legal ramifications, there is a strong possibility that this fellow will bring you a very nasty STD in the future, to say nothing of the possibility that it could be AIDS and become a death warrant for you. So far I'm hearing all about poor him and his needs, as if your needs are unimportant. You have to take care of yourself even if it entails kicking him to the curb. Although I am the sole support of my spouse and occasionally find others attractive and even desirable, I wouldn't submit my wife to this under any circumstances, it's downright selfish and evil with what we know about the world wide AIDS epidemic and given that you supposedly are married, which should be a committed and exclusive relationship.
           

Dear Bizel,

There are more varieties of people and mixes and matches that I could ever follow and so my comments are mine alone and I'm sensitive that on this site in particular it is easy to hurt someones feelings when we don't mean to do so.

I would suggest that the majority of transgendered MtF have little interest in penetrative sex, unless they are being penetrated. Also after being on anti-androgens, which block testosterone production, and being on female hormones most TG could not retain an erection to penetrate a persons anus. Indeed many TG woman do not find their 'male' organs to have any interest to them. Hence we have no problems in wanting them removed, something men tend to cringe about a lot. Indeed many woman desire castration before they have full SRS to get rid of the offending testicles. Again most men find this abhorrent.  I do accept that these feelings are not universal in any large group of people.

I would also say that many men have a fascination with TG woman, and even with drag queens. Many men want to have a go at wearing female clothing, and get a kick out of it. They are not cross dressers or bisexual, they are just having fun, and it is harmless. When it starts to be a necessity to wear clothes of the opposite sex, then it is moving into a different realm. Again there is totally nothing wrong with it, but options in a marriage may change. There are many happily married couples were the husband is a cross dresser. It can be a really good fun relationship - as long as both accept it. If the wife cannot accept her husband cross dressing then there will be problems.

Your case appears different. Firstly the person who he dated sounds more of a male in female clothing than a TG woman.  This is of course open to argument. She may be a TG woman just starting her journey and feeling happy to be desired and willing to reciprocate. He appears to becoming infatuated with her. This is not good in any marriage. I and others are suggesting your husband is gay/bisexual and you have, possibly unwittingly, allowed him loose to explore those desires. Maybe he would have anyway but it is extremely difficult to rein in those desires once they have been allowed to be explored.

Everyone has fantasies and desires but just because you have them is no excuse to use them.

How would your husband feel if you took a lover? Particularly one that would hurt his ego, as him taking a TG lover hurt yours? How would you feel if he had just come out and said, I want sex with another woman? Because that is what I and my sisters are, just other woman. Is he using the fantasy bait to screw around. Pretending to you that he is exploring some sort of fantasy, yet if I was the other woman I would be so offended that I was being used in that way. I would never knowingly take another woman's man I find that repugnant. It is against the sisterhood.

I'm sorry if I've gone on a bit. But I would as others have said insist hat he gets an STD check, you should have one yourself, in case he has passed on something to you.

You sound like a nice woman, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Cindy

thank you everyone, for your advice and concern. i've decided to pull back and give us both space. i also care for my ailing mum so i am stressed enough without anything more. i wrote out a list of all the pros and cons and when i feel desperate, i read it and it somehow helps. i don't know what the future is for us, all i know is somewhere along the line, i forgot about me. i'm working at focusing on me now. this issue is really his. once again, thank you. you have no idea how much your words have meant. i wish you all well.

Bizel, will admit to not reading all your thread, but the fact that you agree to him having sex with other people i feel hard to swallow. It seems as if you have given him the green light to play around with who he likes, while being able to come home to you. My wife totally supports the fact that i am transgendered,but if i ever had the feeling that i wanted to get off with other trans folk or men, then our relationship would be over. If its just the penetration he likes then surely it would be easier for you to use a strap on dildo, just feel within a marriage, you try everything to make the other person happy, but sleeping around with other people, just makes a mockery of wedding vows.

First time i have ever ventured outside my own group on Susans and only looked around as my own group has become somewhat stagnant over the past few weeks, but after reading this, i wish i had of stayed there.