*Do not read if you do not want to be upset*

As a non op ftm, I always question myself on whether I am truly transgender. Whether what I'm feeling is just in my head or if it's real. Whether I truly am a male soul trapped in a female body, or that I think I am male because I did not want to be female nor fit in the female gender construct. These are some hard questions that have constantly plagued me.

All I know is that I hate being female. I hate to be treated like a female. I hate to look in the mirror and not see my true self. I feel handicapped even though I am of sound body and mind. Socially I am handicapped. I interact with men for friendship but many of them always end up falling for me. I dare not interact much with women for fear that I would fall for them and my love would be their burden. This cycle has been repeating itself so much that I would rather stay home and be alone. Also, I pride myself for being an honest person, and yet my true self is hidden so deeply inside me that the world can't see it.

As a non op ftm "blessed" with petite figure and big breasts, I can never wear clothes that truly represent what I am inside. Even if I do miraculously manage to find androgynous clothes, I will look awkward and out of place in them. I have gender and body dysphoria every step of the way. Unhappiness is becoming a constant emotion in my everyday life. So much so that I can't even feel much anymore. Only when classical music relaxes me then I realize I had been unhappy earlier.

How does one define male? How does one define female? Is there really such a thing as a soul? Does a soul have a gender?

I believe that if souls really exist, then a soul defines a person. Not his or her body. If this is true, then it means that I just have a masculine soul encased in a female body. I have to learn to look past this incongruency as I do not believe in making an otherwise healthy body suffer unnecessary surgeries. I will, and have to, look past physical attributes, nor be wrapped up in it, if I want to lead a happy and fulfilling life. And to keep telling myself that there is much much more to life, than just my dysphoria.

Sorry for the rant.

Much of what you've described, I could use about myself, frankly, though I'm stuck with a male body complete with ugly bit and smell to match.

If I may suggest, it's about expressing yourself and who you are. You need to live with so much, but you can still express your gender, within reason.

I wouldn't choose to go for padding, breasts for example. Not because I wouldn't have breasts, but because I don't and live with it. I'm also limited in clothes, because of societies expectations and my dislike of being beaten up.

But I can and do express myself as much as possible. Through colour, through some style.

As for attracting the wrong attention, I also really know that, too well. I'm sure there are better ways, but I have essentially done as you have, made my own company and gotten use to being basically alone. But it does get to be a habit and eventually you find yourself with some anxiety in social situations.

I hope you will get back on  this. It's an interesting subject and I know many will have their own input.

I feel ya trueblue, it's a lonely path that many of us walk. Thank you for your rant, and I hope it helped a little bit. Things like this can be very helpful to others lurking around the forums, who might read it and not feel so alone anymore. (like me!)

I too have built a facade to hide my true self away. It was such an effective one that for a while, I even managed to hide from myself, but that did nothing but delay the inevitable and increase the pain when I finally started taking stock of myself.

I've tried making the best of life as a male, and after several years of sustained, exhausting work, I've accomplished more than most people in every area except my social life. It seems that you, like myself vastly prefer to engage in social interaction - both romantic and platonic - from the polar opposite gender role. It is extremely difficult (but not impossible) in my experience to find a way to make this work without changing your appearance, and I've come to the conclusion that if I don't transition enough to confidently present myself to other people as the other gender then I will be spending the rest of my life alone. I considered this scenario, and there would be moments of contentment, but when I'm laying on my death-bed, I can say with certainty that continuing on that path would be my greatest regret.

You said that you want to lead a happy and fulfilling life. What do the words "happy" and "fulfilling" mean to you personally? What exactly do you believe would make you happy and fulfilled? What decisions might you regret when you are old and gray?

There is indeed much more to life than gender dysphoria, but remember that the gender dysphoria itself isn't the core of the problem, it's merely a symptom. If your social dissatisfaction is something that is fueling your dysphoric feelings, then the only way to mitigate them is to find a way to meet these neglected needs. Telling yourself that there's more to life and forcing yourself to push through the dysphoria is akin to ignoring those dirty dishes in the sink. They'll still be there the next time you enter the kitchen, most likely with a few more added to the pile.

I hope I didn't sound too preachy there, and I realize that you were just venting, so feel free to ignore me. As with everything on forums like this, it is only my opinion and that which I have found to be useful for myself. I hope that it might be useful to you (or anyone for that matter) as well.

Hi trueblue:  I enjoyed reading "your rant" as I would love being treated as a female.  I live as a woman, yet no one really treats me as one. 

It seems as though everyone has their own definition of a "woman and a man."   

A human being is comprised of both a physical nature (male or female) and a human nature (masculine or feminine.)  Your human nature is who you are!  It defines you!  It is your heart and soul and it defines who you are.  You need not ask anyone else who you are.  If your human nature is masculine, then that is who you are.  Your physical nature is important, but it does not tell you who your are only what you look like and what the make up of your body is.  It plays a supporting role to your human nature. 

It is hard for me to get past this and be the woman I am and I would think it difficult for any of us to get past having a physical nature that does not physically support who we are.  I believe this is a birth defect and not a disorder of some kind or some mental illness (as many would have us believe.)   

I realize I do not look like a woman and I have people tell me that every day.  It hurts, but I accept who I am and try to live life as best I can.

I hope you can also do this.

Wow. Life mirrored from the opposite side of the fence.

By the time I hit my teens I learned how "blessed" I was between excess testosterone and tough peasant genes; a good 5'8" 150 lbs big boned and receding hair line, at the age of 13. I towered over every other male in my high school class. Nevertheless,  at 6' tall, bigger boned, balder, almost 100 lbs heavier, later back down to 140 lbs, I persevered and failed again and again. Worked hard to be "Normal" and by some measures did great, others piss poor. I had a hard time dealing with males as friends. Most of my real friends were women. Whenever one become more more then a friend, things eventually ended badly thanks to my gender issues.

All the time I knew I should have been born a girl. Was it "in my soul"? At one point in my life I would have said so. These days I tend to believe the soul is sexless. Perhaps due to me having to create two versions of myself, one male, the other female. Between them I erected the Berlin Wall. A heavily guarded Checkpoint Charlie limited the two from interacting. After the latest life disaster a few years ago I've come to realize this system was not working. I lived basically a joyless life and many of the things that ended badly was the end result of me trying to maintain a facade.

The cure? Rejoin the twins separated shortly after birth. Become one whole person. This whole person is certainly happier. The female expression is the happiest which may be why apparently better liked. The male expression not as happy. A ton of baggage doesn't help there. I may me an inch closer to my goal height of 5'4" but not much else changed physically. Yet somehow I manage to get by as Joanne. Totally scary how easy compared to back in my 20's. I guess the cure is working.

Deep down in my soul, I am simply me now. No Good/Bad, Male/Female, Total mess-up/Ideal versions of me. In my dreams I hardly ever have a clear sense of what sex I am. The few times I did have an absolutely clear sense of my sex came in response to tears and prayers. My wife constantly says "Trust in God", and still does after telling her of these dreams and the circumstances.