Monday I will have my first meeting with a gender therapist, it's only to determine if I'm put on the waiting list for more meetings later but still... I'm totally overwhelmed, nervous, scared? I can't eat, I need to pee every few minutes, my butt feels ice cold no matter what I do, even my balls and penis decided by themselves to hide all the way inside There are millions of scenarios running through my mind right now and I can't stop thinking  I can't sleep, and I want to sleep because I'm so very very very tired?

Hi Artemis,

Congratulation on a mighty leap forward. Be thinking of you on Monday.

If it's any help, try to relax, get some sleep, and hone in on the things that relax you. Music, colour, light, smell, touch, whatever. When that sense of peace comes, along with it also arrives clarity of vision and a sense of understanding.

Be open to your therapist, no prepared speeches, just a lot of raw "I feel ......" You'll start to understand who the REAL you is. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks for keeping in touch. Be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Hi Artemis,

As Catherine stated .... you need to calm down & relax, and find a way to get some rest. Remember, this gender therapist has as much interest (future work) in properly evaluating you as you do in giving them the raw & honest feedback for a proper diagonsis.

My advice, for what it's worth, be as open and honest as you possibly can. Don't hold anything back. The therapist will not judge you and will take everything into account that you say in order to make the best possible evaluation. The therapist is there to help you.

Let us know how it goes and congrats on making a big step.

Jenni

POST MOVED https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,115451.new.html

Sorry for doing this but I got very nervous about posting this in the public part of this forum so I hope no-one minds that I moved this post to the hidden parts?

Just one thought to add: Even if I would transition and lets assuming I could pull it off, I would still be a girl with autism...?

I don't know... transition might make my life easier, it might make it harder?

To say "I have autism" could make being stealth easier? It could cover any that could be perceived "maleness"?

However... My autism also makes it impossible to become a normal girl...?

Transition will not change who I am; Transition doesn't solve any of the many other problems, but it could change the way they interact and how they are perceived. Transition would allow me to be myself, with all my other problems ;->

I'll also very aware that male privilege has often helped me? And I often needed help? I tended to be very aware how some people where treated differently then others? How girls/women where often treated unfairly: ignored, marginalised, etc. I'm also aware of how I was treated because I didn't fit in? Coming out as trans* would only make that aspect so much more difficult? But then again, my autism developed in me just like it does in girls, different from how it develops in boys... (this was the main reason why nobody noticed it before). But this also means that most of the help that is available to me isn't focused on the actual problems that I experience.

I'm even considering moving to a place where people are more tolerant? But I would then loose my already small support network and would have to rebuild it from a much more difficult starting point.

(I also have this habit of painting very bleak and dark pictures of the future... usually reality turns out much better then I think it will be ;->)

Thank you Artemis, for a most intelligent reply.

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
Just one thought to add: Even if I would transition and lets assuming I could pull it off, I would still be a girl with autism...?

Perhaps! unless the HRT programme interacted with your autism, and produced a different result. Regrettably there is insufficient research in the TG medical community to prove much these days.

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
I don't know... transition might make my life easier, it might make it harder?

Only you could tell in time to come. My wish is, that it would make life easier. This is based on the experience that is often reported by post operative 'girls' just after surgery; the elation of not having to perform any longer in the gender they were ascribed by medical/physical notation, but now being able to fully parttake in the gender of their preference.

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
To say "I have autism" could make being stealth easier? It could cover any that could be perceived "maleness"?

Possible.

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
However... My autism also makes it impossible to become a normal girl...?

I wouldn't think so! My understanding of autism is, it's neurally generated. It's primarily a communication dysfunction.(with all due respect), not physically generated. Perhaps I'm 100% wrong.?

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
Transition will not change who I am; Transition doesn't solve any of the many other problems, but it could change the way they interact and how they are perceived. Transition would allow me to be myself, with all my other problems ;->

Most probably true. However, being the eternal optimist I am, I would leave room for some positive progress toward 'normalism' (whatever that may be), by virtue of the fact you feel more comfortable with yourself.

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
I'll also very aware that male privilege has often helped me? And I often needed help? I tended to be very aware how some people where treated differently then others? How girls/women where often treated unfairly: ignored, marginalised, etc. I'm also aware of how I was treated because I didn't fit in? Coming out as trans* would only make that aspect so much more difficult? But then again, my autism developed in me just like it does in girls, different from how it develops in boys... (this was the main reason why nobody noticed it before). But this also means that most of the help that is available to me isn't focused on the actual problems that I experience.

From my experience as a non autistic individual (with all due respects, in the most humble context) I feel I can equate the feelings you have expressed in the foregoing statement, a fairly generalised perspective of most TG's be they male or female. Again, I may be 100% wrong.

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
I'm even considering moving to a place where people are more tolerant? But I would then loose my already small support network and would have to rebuild it from a much more difficult starting point.

Disregarding the question mark, this maybe a pertaintent move. However, my thoughts in this regard, including my own personal belief; support is imperative and tantamount to a successful transition for anyone. This isn't a Robinson Crusoe event.

Quote from: Artemis on February 11, 2012, 03:53:58 AM
(I also have this habit of painting very bleak and dark pictures of the future... usually reality turns out much better then I think it will be ;->)

Worse case scenarios aren't unrealistic. they in fact, prove you have considered/expecting the worst, hoping for the best. Which is a realistic approach, considering the circumstances.

Trust this sheds a more productive outcome to your desires. I hope it has assisted in some small way. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa hugs
Catherine

Thank you Catherine for your kind words, I needed that

It also kind of helps just getting this out of my mind?

Quote from: Artemis on February 10, 2012, 07:38:40 AM
Monday I will have my first meeting with a gender therapist, it's only to determine if I'm put on the waiting list for more meetings later but still... I'm totally overwhelmed, nervous, scared? I can't eat, I need to pee every few minutes, my butt feels ice cold no matter what I do, even my balls and penis decided by themselves to hide all the way inside There are millions of scenarios running through my mind right now and I can't stop thinking  I can't sleep, and I want to sleep because I'm so very very very tired?

I'm in a similar position: my first meeting is Wednesday (which was rescheduled...it was supposed to be this past Friday...*sadface*). I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm not really nervous or apprehensive. It's also a gateway meeting (a counsellor at my University), where I suspect that I'll just be referred to a psychologist/psychiatrist with more specific training in gender identity issues. I'm a little fortunate that the area has some really good resources for a city of its size (about 200,000). I'm viewing it as a nice opportunity to talk to someone about these things (I've come out to one very close friend, and we talk a lot about it) and to start the official road to (I hope) transition.

Although I've had to wait 3 weeks between making the appointment and the meeting, it's given me some time to do a tonne of research and get some of my thoughts and feelings in order. So while I was initially irritated, it's been for the best.

I hope you have a great experience

Congrats on the meeting, how exciting!!!! I think we were all nervous as hell our 1st session, hell i know i was. Going into a strange place talking to a stranger about something that haunts me everyday. It's the first step in the right direction and i wish you the very best of luck. Be honest with them, being a male or female therapist. I had to find a female therapist i cannot talk to a male about this. The therapist with help guide you in the right direction. I love my therapist now, i've been seeing her for around 4 years now and there's nothing i wouldn't tell her. She's like my 2nd mother. I have one qa's for you: what do you mean you have to go on annother waiting list after your 1st appointment?

Quote from: MyKa on February 11, 2012, 01:51:38 PM
I have one qa's for you: what do you mean you have to go on annother waiting list after your 1st appointment?

There is a waiting list, there aren't enough therapists for GID so they have a 6-7 month(!) waiting list and this first appointment is just to see IF you're put on the waiting list. I know, it totally sucks: When you're finally ready to deal with this issue they let you wait another half year. It's just not right? But that's the way it is.

This first meeting is mostly to weed out the people who have other issues and don't need a GID therapist? Otherwise everyone that applied would be put on a much much longer list and then most would discover at their first meeting that they don't have GID and needed to be somewhere else while the people who really need to see a GID therapist would needlessly have to wait even longer.

I just hope that is clear that I'm not going into this unprepared, I did my homework, I know and understand all the implications of what I'm asking, I also know that I can't go on without their help, I don't know where the journey will end but I really want to start as soon as possible moving forward, not standing still or maybe even moving backward?

What I really want is to start on the lowest, slowest HRT next week but I understand that any HRT is at best only given the green light after at least 3 formal sessions, but often only after 6 sessions, which could be anywhere between 9 to 18 months from now... and that would really suck.

Wow, that sounds crazy. Here they go by the Harry benjamin guidelines and never had a prob getting a appoinment. Once again i wish you the best!!!!! Long distant hug!!!!!

I just want to say Artemis, you are not alone in your feelings, experiences, and concerns.

I tried "hiding" my breasts by maintaining too much weight.  In the long run, it hurt my health.

I was writing out a long winded reply to you Artemis (cuz that's my nature) but having read a bit more of your own replies in this thread all I will say is this - congrats for taking that step and I think things will go fine. Just be yourself and don't try to worry about how it will all play out. One step at a time.

I remember telling my therapist that I just wasn't organized or together enough to put together a long range plan for transitioning and she told me she actually liked my way ("uh, yeah that spiro has helped so much, can we try a bit of estrogen now though?") because it seemed more natural.

Just feel your way, trust your instincts and try to stay honest with yourself. When I started down this road I could not imagine ever ever ever being where I am today. It wasn't because it's not where I wasn't supposed to be (I've never been in a more right place) but because fears, doubts, worries, judgements, lack of self esteem, confusion... all that crap was clouding my vision. And truly, because of that, the only way for me to make this journey was one foot at a time. Okay, then the fog got lighter and I started running, but you know. lol

Quote from: Jamie D on February 11, 2012, 06:14:15 PM
I just want to say Artemis, you are not alone in your feelings, experiences, and concerns.

I tried "hiding" my breasts by maintaining too much weight.  In the long run, it hurt my health.

I wish I had the courage to answer to anyone who points out that I have breasts "That's what one gets if they have two X chromosomes!" and then just walk away letting them process that information all by themselves. 

I don't think I ever will :shy:

Artemis.
One of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome was worrying about what other people were thinking, what they might do, say, etc. My mantra was, and still is, Dr. Suess "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." and Dr. Wayne Dwyer's "It's none of my business what others think of me."  I know it's not as simple as that, that people can cause you real trouble, but I needed to get ahead of my own brain of worry and guilt first. We are ALL entitled to be free, to be ourselves. People around us will tell us that we are upsetting them but too damn bad for them. Why should we put our own selves in a prison so others feel more comfortable? But to be free we have to be strong, believe in ourselves, and find our allies and friends wherever we can.
Remember, you don't owe (most) people an explanation. Especially if they are rude.

You have a great attitude and I think you seem to understand how transitioning will help you. When I started coming closer to myself I found I had a lot more incentive, clarity, and strength to concurrently deal with my other issues. Just becoming who you really are, stepping into your true nature, opens up the rest of your world and you seem to have eyes wide open and are ready for unfurling your wings at last. There are going to be fears, missteps, hurts, and confusion along the way, but I think when you start moving into your centre you handle the adversity better and better. Just keep your eyes on the prize (a happy whole you) and treat yourself with love and gentleness, through the great parts, and the hard parts.

You're going to really blossom honey. I can see that.

So I had my meeting and it was very intense. I slightly rewrote my life story that I posted it here and gave it them to read.

In the end, I now have another appointment in 3 weeks...

I'm not really sure what to make of this, I will just have wait and see what happens, I guess?

It's very anti-climatic, which I expected it to be, but still.

Besides it's impossible to explain once life story in only one session? It takes time to just feel at ease, it takes time to open up.

I might be handling this too well? That I don't show enough confusion, not enough "disorder", not enough obsession, not enough fear? Maybe I'm keeping to much inside? I don't process stuff like other people do I was confused when I first noticed this months ago but I researched it, I know what I have, I know what and who I am, I know how I would like to treated it at least for now.

Well done, Artemis,

Meetings from here on in can only get better. Keep in mind a good therapist should guide you through your feeling, it shouldn't feel like an interrogation session. Hope your next session is more productive.

Keep smiling and be safe,well and happy

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Hey Art! Great to hear you made it through the hardest part and obviously they had enough sense to realize that you cant be waiting another six months to do something about it   

When I find a place to go to for my second letter I think I'll just print out all my thread starters I still have from TGTS-Youth and now Susans to bring the therapist up to speed since my diagnosis letter... not good at repetitive re-writing, but that's just me. anyways congrats and HUGS

Thank you all for the encouragement.

Does anyone else have difficulty explaining yourself towards a male therapist?

I was talking about what I was going trough with a female friend and later with her and her husband and she then noticed that I was much more personal, less distant with her alone then with her husband present.

This gender dysphoria is quite hard for someone with autism 

I think I have learned to put up this neutral/male screen whenever I don't feel at ease? I've noticed before that I tend to react to stress (e.g. unknown environments, unexpected changes, too many people around me) by redrawing: My behavior becomes more neutral, which probably appears "male", but the me inside becomes silent and on the outside my responses become defensive, deflective, etc.

Push me even further, I tend to redraw even more. become a shadow or ghost, someone who is and isn't "there". Push me too far and think I will just zone out, slipping in to catatonic or just automated behavior.

I think this might, at least partially, be a defense mechanism? My experiences with opening up to men where mostly negative. The dynamic of communication with men, with a few exceptions, tends to cause much more friction and stress then communication with other women? [See what I did there?] It's like I have this strong reflex to wanting to hide and protect myself when I'm with men which I don't have when I'm with women?

The therapist I saw for my diagnosis letter was a guy. He was the tall bearded type and I had an uneasy feeling for the first few sessions. When I realized that he was there to help me and that holding back would only prolong the process, I was able to settle in and open up.

Now I'm ready to start the confirmation letter process, and my only option that I know of is another male therapist in my immediate area. I was worried at first, but thanks to others recommending him, I'm actually looking forward to meeting Dr Dave.