I told my parents a few days ago about me being intersexed. They are quite traditionalist, so I was completely surprised when they said they were okay with it. Granted, I suppose being intersexed is a little more accepted.

However, after finding the diagnosis, they're incredibly confused. I've explained to them that I have no intentions of marrying currently because of these issues, but I haven't gone in-depth. From their stand-point they assume that I just need to marry and adopt and "press on to find God's calling!" So they seem to be okay with whatever the case may be... But they are hard pressed for me to get married. Especially considering of the e-mails I have sent to them regarding this topic has always been responded with the subject of marriage from their part.

I haven't responded to the last e-mail yet, as I'm not sure how to. I know they'll be heartbroken to find out their son isn't marrying a girl, and is actually one herself.

I know the best way to be to talk to them is in person, alone, and maybe while on a walk. Unfortunately, all I have is e-mail and Skype to keep in contact with them.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

Hi Madi,

I know your preferred means of relationship with your parents is face to face, but given your circumstance Skype is certainly second best. Although they may be taking you news, somewhat well at this point in time, I guess if they profess to be Christian, some one needs to remind them of what unconditional love is all about.

I hope your situation is working out for you. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

I'm glad I have a response! Thank you Catherine!!

It's been a few weeks since I spoke with my parents about it. At first, my father seemed quite supportive and very caring of my situation. Fast forward a few e-mails, and he has stated that no matter what the physical issues are, it can be "overcome." He seems to think that all that I need to do is be optimistic about it all, and everything will be normal... I think most of it comes down to his desire for me to have more grandchildren for him and follow his goals he had set out for me, but I can't be certain. I'm not even really sure what is going on with him. What can I say? I have no clue what's going on in the minds of men.

Either way, both the parents aren't necessarily upset at me, but they want to completely ignore my situation. They've put off talking to me on Skype for the past couple of weeks, but I did speak with them last night. But when we talked, they only wanted to talk about anything except the situation. I'm not sure if I should move forward with talking to them about it, or just carry on with what needs to be done and not inform them at all. Currently, I'm thinking of option 2.

Hi Madi,

it is clear that your parents love you, one way or the other, but having certain expectations from you is not making it easy for them to accept the reality. A lot of parents struggle with that, traditional, religious or not.

Are you planning to see a doctor for further evaluation of your condition? This would be of course helpful for your own "transition", if there is such a thing for intersexed people, but it would also give you medical information that your parents might be more accepting and understanding of.
Like Beverly said, I would also just make sure your parents know that you are always open and available for discussion on this topic but I wouldn't push the subject very hard on them. I would just move forward with what ever you have to do for yourself. After all you are living life for yourself and not for anyone else no matter how hard that might be to accept by you parents.

Your parents are most likely going through the so called "Stages of Grief". Google this term and do little study on it and it will be more clear what they might be going through.
First stage is "shock" then comes "denial" and so on until the last stage of "acceptance". It took my parents more than 5 years to get there. They were going back and forth from stage to stage and they are not religious nor traditional people. I never had any expectations pressed upon me and yet it was hard for them to accept that they have a daughter instead of a son. Keep us posted!

best,

envie

Thanks a lot for the advice!! You both are absolutely correct. I do need to give them more time to take things in. They most certainly could have taken it much worse, and I'm glad they care so much.

I've had two ultrasounds, and both have proved there is something going on... along with some other evidence. I had told my parents this, but my father is still thinking otherwise.

For sure he is just scared and confused. I think I may just give them more time to take things in, and then tell them more.

Hi MADI,
Good to hear you are coping and quite positive about your experience with your parents. Both envie and Beverley have made excellent points in their advice.

I feel you have nailed your Father on the head, with your thought ,"I think most of it comes down to his desire for me to have more grandchildren for him and follow his goals he had set out for me,"

I sense from what you've said about his reaction, "At first, my father seemed quite supportive and very caring of my situation." Tends to be a typical male parent, knee jerk reaction to a siblings dilemma. Later his, "he has stated that no matter what the physical issues are, it can be "overcome."   appears to be him 'sorting' your problem out while he is in a state of shock.

The fact he has used the term 'overcome'; and there is more than ONE issue at hand, as he defined one of them as 'physical', he may have other ones he doesn't want to 'scare' you with;  rings alarm bells with me. He, being a traditionalist with the view of "press on to find God's calling";  plus the ability to "overcome" the situation, says to me, that he is going to make every concerted effort within his community to "pray the gay away", or have some 'shrink' straighten you out; come hell, rain or high water. I may be 1000% wrong, and I hope for your sake I am. I've seen this happen in the past, particularly with him trying to put you at easy " He seems to think that all that I need to do is be optimistic about it all, and everything will be normal..." The words "optimistic" and "normal" tell me he is looking for a cure.

The facts as I see them. You have a traditional (relatively closed minded thinking) Christian Father, who has high expectations of his son. Whom has just informed him, he is not really a son; but a pending daughter. Reaction: Good grief .... my son is seriously ill. I need to find a cure for him. The possible shame, he (your Father) may have to face; may be crippling.

A second dilemma for your Father, and probably your Mother, who, in the best interest of family unity is supporting her husbands way of thinking. Is the fact, how can I explain to my community and field of influence, that my son is going to become a girl? He has a choice. Either he forgets about you completely and your name is never mentioned in conversation, or he has to find a 'cure' for you. Failure to do so will bring a backlash reaction from his community, as he has 'failed' to provide adequate parental support for an 'ill' sibling.

These are typical reactions set up in the stages of grief envie eluded to. Again, I hope I'm 1000% wrong and have totally misread a parent engaged in 'unconditional' love. Unfortunately I've seen it too many times where parents, trying to carry out their duty, with blinkered vision, see your behaviour as some mental disease that can be cured.

A few points for you to consider. 1. Hold your ground, at all costs. This is your life we are talking about here. Nobody else. 2. As Beverley said, keep the communication channels open. 3. Tell your parents you have documented medical evidence of what you are telling them. Under NO circumstance, GIVE it to them. Wait until they ask for it. That action indicates they are in a head space of wanting to know the truth. Giving them (unsolicited) the information, may find them with the headspace that is not ready to receive such profound information and may be deemed as a plethora of lies and deceit. 4. Let them know you are ready to talk to them about this when and only when they are ready. When they ask anything about it, preface you reply with "Are you ready to hear what I have to say?" Their response should give you some idea where their headspace is.  Hopefully it is in unconditional love and respect for you as an individual, place. Keep asking them, how are they coping? Depending of their state of grief will have them somewhere between unconditional love and a 'cure for your illness.'

Hope this in some way helps you navigate a good course through these times. Let us know what's happening and how you are coping. That's important to us as a family.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

I spoke to my father again last night and explained more in depth. I was quite stupid though and after he had asked "are you a woman?" I responded with no. He's okay with the intersexed issue now though, but I am just going to have to explain to him about my gender. I feel absolutely awful for telling him no.

Yup, you need to explain to him how you were hesitant to tell him you file like a woman as you were fearing he would have hard time accepting that.
The sooner you do it the better as every day him believing you are a man, after you confirm it to him, is working against your chances to find peace within and establish relationship with your parents on the basis of trust.

good luck!

You're absolutely right. Thank you, Envie.

I'm going to speak with them again, but in person, next month.

Hopefully you can eventually get through to your parents that you are dealing with a medical condition.  Nobody would expect  someone to "overcome" a broken leg without medical help would they?
Intersex and Transsexualism are medical issues, not moral.  Wishful thinking just doesn't work, we have all tried that for far too many years. 

Karen.

Quote from: envie on February 14, 2012, 03:32:10 PM
Yup, you need to explain to him how you were hesitant to tell him you file like a woman as you were fearing he would have hard time accepting that.
The sooner you do it the better as every day him believing you are a man, after you confirm it to him, is working against your chances to find peace within and establish relationship with your parents on the basis of trust.

good luck!

I agree. I really think that expressing your fears (and the attendant vulnerability) about his reaction as the source of your long hesitation, in that you really want his acceptance and continued love and support, will go a long way. This will show him that you need his support, and his paternal instincts will (hopefully) kick in. (And you won't potentially make him uncomfortable by explicitly saying as much, which I think is strategically important.)

It's been a while since I've posted here, and wanted to update it.

I spoke to my parents again. Something must have changed their minds because now they are entirely supportive. They stated that no matter the outcome, I need to start seeking medical attention. They said it's much more important to live a happy and healthy life, even if it means I may lose my job or w/e.

I had already schedule an appointment for next week, but it was fabulous to know that they're going to support me.

I've also been speaking with more people about the condition, and so far everyone has been very helpful, and in fact it was my Pastor that had suggested I seek a professional.

"Your worst enemy is yourself." That is how I feel towards all of this.

That is so wonderful they support you.  And, it is wonderful that you have found the support of your pastor.  I hope all goes well as you continue moving forward.

Thank you.

Things have changed a little a few weeks ago. It was my Birthday, and my parents decided to talk to me about several heated topics. Now we're no longer speaking.

So, I suppose I don't have to worry about what they think anymore.

Sorry to hear that things have gone sour again Madi.  Hug.
I was about to suggest that if the question of children came up you could suggest you didn't want to pass anything on.   
They are adults and if hindsight hasn't let them see the signs that were there all along, there is nothing you can do.  They will have to square it with their consciences and their God.

Karen.

Hi Madi,

sorry to hear about this development. While some communication disruptions are final, most of them aren't! I quoted my old post from a while ago about the various stages of grief. You parents are doing for sure this back and forth motion between the stages. I am sure not all is lost and over, hang in there. They need the time to process but understandably it is for you very frustrating!

Quote from: envie on February 12, 2012, 12:33:33 PM
Your parents are most likely going through the so called "Stages of Grief". Google this term and do little study on it and it will be more clear what they might be going through.
First stage is "shock" then comes "denial" and so on until the last stage of "acceptance". It took my parents more than 5 years to get there. They were going back and forth from stage to stage and they are not religious nor traditional people. I never had any expectations pressed upon me and yet it was hard for them to accept that they have a daughter instead of a son. Keep us posted!

Thank you.