My partner interviewed today for a very exciting position in New Haven, Connecticut.  It's a start up small company so there currently are very few employees.  One of the guys, the one that recommended him, is an old high school buddy.  He knows that my partner has kids and use to have a wife.  Between questions my partner's old friend mentioned having his wife and my partner's wife get together and so on.  My partner just let that slide and I can understand that.  I mean it's a major interview and possibly not the right time for big personal revels.

After the interview my partner quickly found out that they would soon make him an offer.  This could possibly be a life changing event here.  I mean a really big deal so everyone's on edge.  From my point of view my partner feels that he has to out me because this guy knew him from before.  That naturally means everyone in the office will know very quickly and the news will branch out from there.  I urged my partner to strongly mention discretion but who keeps these things secret.

I'm glad he has the opportunity but I wish he didn't need to do a tell-all about me.   He feels he needs to tell otherwise it will look like he left his wife just to 'shack up with some guy'.  That will speak to bad character in his mind.  Which is not a good thing when trying to get a job. 

I don't know.  I'm really not comfortable with all these strangers knowing about me and judging me even before they meet me.  I really don't want to move to someplace knew where everyone will know and it will stay that way.  It's a small town and people in small towns talk.  I want him to keep quiet but I don't know how much I can expect of him.  I wish he could just say how our situation is right now but he feels he needs to add disclaimers to everyone.  It drives me crazy.  His line is that I'm the same person as before but just expressing myself differently now.  It makes this whole transition sound like a different style haircut.  Obviously it's so much more than that.   

What is reasonable to expect here?  How do I talk him into keeping quiet?     

I don't know how I would react if I were you. It's too bad you don't have longer to think about it and talk to him about it.

The whole leaving his wife to shack up with some guy thing doesn't make sense. People get divorced often enough in our culture that there's no reason for an outsider to assume his current partner is the cause of his no longer being with his wife. Also it doesn't look like you're shacking up. If you handle major life changes as a couple (which you seem to be doing) then there's no casualness or appearance of impropriety.

It sounds like an uneasy situation. Your quality of life is at stake and it looks like it could get a lot better in some ways and a lot worse in others.

I'm talking open-endedly, don't know what I'm getting at. It's reasonable for you to expect not to be apologetically outed just to keep away hypothetical smudges on your partner's character.

You should have the right to your privacy and I would explain to your partner that you can foresee bad things happening with adding disclaimers.  Let him know how you feel and that you don't want the risk of having everyone talknig about it when out of earshot.  The relationship has no bearing on the performance of the job so there's no reason to disclose.

This sounds like a conversation my partner and I had a few weeks back. He is in the same boat, only he actually got the job. Problem is, the person who hired him to teach was one of his old teachers, and knew that he was married to a woman. It doesn't help that the country we are moving to doesn't exactly smile on openly same sex relationships. He felt the need to disclose to his new boss about me, so that in the mind of his coworkers, I will be seen as just a very masculine woman. Sadly, since it's Japan, if he says anything I would be expected to play at being female. It doesn't help that gossip is a national sport there. -_-

So, yes, I understand your concerns very well. We ended up making a deal. If the time came when he needed to tell his boss then I wouldn't blame him, but until that time arises, we are not going to mention it. We are going to just continue living and if it happens to come up, play it off as something that we don't even consider out of the ordinary and therefore not in need of explanation. That being said you are in a different situation. I will be in a huge city, you will be in a small town. Small towns in my experience are not the picturesque little places people make them out to be; gossip spreads faster than the flu in an elementary school.

I don't think you should be in the situation where you have to be outed. His choice of partner should have no bearing on getting the job. However, I know that isn't how it works in actuality. I think you have a right to expect your privacy to be kept. No one needs to know anything about your medical past or about you and your partner's personal life. I mean, people don't disclose having high blood pressure or a bad relationship with their mother in interviews. So why bother mentioning anything about ones SO? If it does come up and he tells his old buddy, I would say that he needs to stress the fact that you feel concerned about it getting out.

Honestly though, I know the feeling of worrying over whether your partner is going to out you for a job. I don't see that he needs to, and he could probably keep it to himself. Besides, his outing you is like apologizing for you being in his life and causing someone else mild to no discomfort for like, a minute. In the end, when I said that to Joe, he agreed that he wouldn't out me unless his job was on the line or I gave him permission on a case-by-case basis.

I hope you two can come to an agreement. You shouldn't have to have your privacy violated. He wouldn't tell his boss or buddy anything about his relationships with siblings/parents in an interview or during discussions for jobs, so why would he bring up his partner?

Thanks for the advice you guys.  I appreciate it.  You know the whole thing with Greg is tampered by the fact that he doesn't want to be perceived as gay.  That's not how he identifies.  He says being seen that way is as uncomfortable to him as being seen as female is to me.  So that's another justification he has to outing me to everyone.  Heaven forbid he actually married a gay.  He is much more for gay rights then he was at the start of our relationship.  However perhaps some internalized homophobia still remains.

He's perfectly good at using the right pronouns, name and claims that he sees me as male.  He'll allow that he has some same sex attraction but still is primarily attracted to women.   I really like what Ayden said about feeling he has to apologize for having me in his life.  It really does seem to be that way at times.   

My privacy is vitally important to me.  He does not have a right to mess with that.  I wish he was proud to have me in his life.  He says that he is but I really don't see much evidence of that.  He really doesn't get it.  People take their cues from him.  If he says he still kinda sees me as female (because he's not gay by god) then everyone else will see it that way.  I told him if he's going to out me he should out himself.   

I mean obviously our lives should be an open book.  But no of course he can't do that.  Whereas me being an FTM is deeply important to his entire future career. / sarcasm

This is the one place where I still don't have the control I want in my life.  It's very aggravating to say the least     

I think what Felix says is spot on.

And he may not be gay, but he is in a same-sex relationship...let's face it, physically you're pretty much all male. As I see it, it's just part and parcel of being in a relationship with you. Same would apply to a lesbian who is dating a transguy. She may identify primarily as a lesbian but she is still perceived as heterosexual. Your partner is still perceived as gay. I think he needs to accept that as a part of his life.

Point blank - you have the right to your privacy. If YOU are uncomfortable with it, he has NO right.