Yo if any guys can help, I need some advice on telling my mom about everything. Everything meaning my feelings from childhood to now and plans of transitioning. I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to begin telling her. I'm going to be in therapy, so basically a family session. My mom and her bf will be there, her bf knows everything and he's supporting me. So any thoughts and advice please. Thanks.

if you cant tell her face to face why not make a letter and then sit down together and just say i have something to tell you, but i cant say it out but please read this letter, or something and maybe have her bf there if that makes u feel a little more safer if he knows.

I was sacred of telling my mum but i had to tell her anyway sooner or later so i sent her a email......Good luck, hope it turns out well which ever you do.

also maybe it best not to tell her everything, just tell her how u feel and see how she takes it, then maybe u can talk the rest of it later or at therapy.

I would advise at least initially only telling her the basic gist of it. Something that she can more easily take in. If you do tell her more than that all at once it'll help if it's a letter or email, something she can think about and reread before having to respond immediately.

Idk though. Coming out to important people is always hard. Good luck.

How much is too much?

I find that when I'm telling people it's best to just make it very basic and emphatic to begin with. "I live as male now and I go by Felix. I'm happier this way." Leaving out jargon can help keep it from triggering political or religious reflexes. If it's someone I care about I'll reassure them I'm the same person, or explain that transition is not a sudden overnight change, or whatever I feel like they might need to hear.

Obviously there are emotions involved, though, and questions, and further discussion has to happen eventually.

I'm sure you can talk to the counselor before hand and ask him/her how to go about it and they can help you along the way and how to come out with it.

It sounds like your gonna be telling your mother during your therapy session... correct?

Correct Dominick. Will definitely ask her how everything will go beforehand.

Thanks Felix that helps a lot. Something I'll def. consider.

Damn just counting down minutes til session. I'm a nervous wreck.

Thanks for the advice.

Good luck frann.

Tell us how it went later if you're comfortable doing that.

Wow things went waaaay better than I expected. Her initial response was acceptance and only wanted my happiness really. But I know it'll still take her some time to wrap her head around this. She keeps asking if there's medication, meaning medication to 'cure' it. She goes from that to saying 'well I have to accept it.' Overall, it went good. Thanks for the support guys.

Wonderful. I hope it continues to go well.

With a lot of people it does take time to sink in and really get it.

So..from here, what happens now? Lol. I've told them what I ultimately want to do, but I still feel like it's too much for them to handle all at once. And me making physical changes might be too soon for them, as far as starting hormone therapy. But without beginning that part of transition I feel like I'm still at the same point from where I was when I was hiding this. I've been searching for doctors, found an internist, but I just don't know if I should wait for my family to be ready before I begin that.

Kinda at a loss deciding when and how to move forward from here. Sorry for all the questions lol, but thanks for responding.

Quote from: frann on February 17, 2012, 06:43:30 PM
So..from here, what happens now? Lol. I've told them what I ultimately want to do, but I still feel like it's too much for them to handle all at once. And me making physical changes might be too soon for them, as far as starting hormone therapy. But without beginning that part of transition I feel like I'm still at the same point from where I was when I was hiding this. I've been searching for doctors, found an internist, but I just don't know if I should wait for my family to be ready before I begin that.

Kinda at a loss deciding when and how to move forward from here. Sorry for all the questions lol, but thanks for responding.

I'm at your exact point. I told my my I was trans like in September. Then I told her to forget it. I felt like it was too much of a "burden" on my family and everyone else. And I was scared of certain things. Now I told her what I want to do. I have been seeing a therapist who is a piece of crap. And she kept saying "Well this process is going to be even longer than you want". For the record the Harry Benjamin laws don't have a specified time you need to be in therapy anymore. Check them out if you're in the U.S. If you aren't then I'm not too sure. I had read so many people say they got a referal for T the very first day or the first couple of months. Then you get a therapist like her and your heart drops. Right now it just feels like this is all "pretend". Which sucks...I want so bad just to be on T. But that's not how it's looking right now. My mother wants to take me to see someone else. Every time I come from that therapist lady I break down and cry in the staircase.

My mom has gotten me men's briefs which are awesome and she offered to help me pay for a binder and packer. But pronouns and name have not changed. Given I haven't told her I want her to call her by something else. But the "she" and "her" and girly pet names haven't stopped. I understand her and the rest of my family.

Just be prepared for this to take longer than you want. It's heartbreaking. But you just gotta pull through.

Hey Nick sorry about your therapy situation that's pretty rotten. Luckily I've found a therapist that's somewhat experienced with patients dealing with transition, so it's been really helpful. I was seeing a therapist that wasn't necessarily experienced with patients dealing with this, so finding the one I'm seeing now has put things in perspective. The therapist I was seeing prior actually pointed out that my transition would take years to begin, which pissed me off, so I understand how you feel there. My therapist now, says it realistically but is optimistic about it.  So, definitely find a therapist you're comfortable with and understands/supports you.

I've actually found a doctor around my area here in Southern California for hormone therapy. I asked what the requirements were or if a letter was needed to begin and they said no. But at any rate, if a letter was required and I choose to go elsewhere, the therapist I'm seeing now says she'll be willing to write a letter. But yeah dude I'm with you on that I can't wait to be on t. I watch these guys' documenting their transition and I cant help but think about when it's my turn. As jealous as I get, it keeps me going.

As for names and pronouns, I didn't mind it so much before but it's getting to me. It definitely sticks out more to me now when someone calls me she or by name. Luckily, sometimes when I'm out with a hood on on a cold night I get 'sir'.

But yeah man, goodluck to you. We'll get through it.

I actually started making major changes before I was out to very many people. I didn't really plan it that way, I just started making myself more comfortable. Finally admitting it to someone made me feel a hundred percent better even though I wasn't telling anyone else or trying to pass.

So I gave up all the clumsy stabs I was making at acting female. I stopped trying to pitch my voice higher so people would read me as a girl on the phone. I cut my hair. I hated my long hair. It never helped me look feminine anyway, it was just one more thing to wash. I got rid of the only overtly female article of clothing I had, which I only ever wore because a boy I liked thought it was sexy. I stopped correcting people when they called me "sir." I started thinking about names, and researching the legal aspects of parenthood for a trans person. I read lots of books on our medical and social situation. I started binding while still presenting female.

Transition involves so many bits and pieces (no pun intended). Whether you go fast or slow, the most jarring thing for your family is going to be changing your name and pronouns, and there's no good way to ease into that part. Testosterone isn't going to overnight turn you into a grizzly bear, so you could probably reassure your family about that.

Yeah I'm dressing the way I'm most comfortable now, but I mean I've never dressed super feminine and when I did they were on occasion. Like the way I guess I'm 'plotting' it in my head is to not make physical changes as of now until I start t and see the changes it does to me and pretty much go with the flow of that. I'm not sure if that's an ideal way to do it. I figure it'd be a good subtle start for this big of change.

Quote from: frann on February 18, 2012, 12:09:55 AM
Yeah I'm dressing the way I'm most comfortable now, but I mean I've never dressed super feminine and when I did they were on occasion. Like the way I guess I'm 'plotting' it in my head is to not make physical changes as of now until I start t and see the changes it does to me and pretty much go with the flow of that. I'm not sure if that's an ideal way to do it. I figure it'd be a good subtle start for this big of change.

A lot of people do it this way. It can work.

Quote from: frann on February 17, 2012, 09:43:56 PM
Hey Nick sorry about your therapy situation that's pretty rotten. Luckily I've found a therapist that's somewhat experienced with patients dealing with transition, so it's been really helpful. I was seeing a therapist that wasn't necessarily experienced with patients dealing with this, so finding the one I'm seeing now has put things in perspective. The therapist I was seeing prior actually pointed out that my transition would take years to begin, which pissed me off, so I understand how you feel there. My therapist now, says it realistically but is optimistic about it.  So, definitely find a therapist you're comfortable with and understands/supports you.

I've actually found a doctor around my area here in Southern California for hormone therapy. I asked what the requirements were or if a letter was needed to begin and they said no. But at any rate, if a letter was required and I choose to go elsewhere, the therapist I'm seeing now says she'll be willing to write a letter. But yeah dude I'm with you on that I can't wait to be on t. I watch these guys' documenting their transition and I cant help but think about when it's my turn. As jealous as I get, it keeps me going.

As for names and pronouns, I didn't mind it so much before but it's getting to me. It definitely sticks out more to me now when someone calls me she or by name. Luckily, sometimes when I'm out with a hood on on a cold night I get 'sir'.

But yeah man, goodluck to you. We'll get through it.

Ha, yeah, the vids on YouTube are awesome...They ARE the ones that gave me the hope and courage to do this. However, watching them now, well, it is like a double edged sword. Its awesome because you get to see the changes that will one day happen to you. But then you think, "when is one day?" And it just sucks bad.
As for the pronouns, I am just keeping them out of my head. There's just no point anymore. Not for now at least. It's only going to get me sad if I think about it so it's whatever to me.

Good luck to you too!