BIG LONG POST:
I haven't been on this forum in over a year, and haven't been properly active on it for a bit longer than that. But something happened recently that made me need to do a little introspection and try and work through some of my reasoning. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I would post this here at all. I'm generally a big fan of figuring stuff out in private, alone. But there comes a point where things are going round and round in your head and the same thoughts have been occurring to you for so long that you realise you need some outside input or nothing's going to change. So while I AM ranting mostly for myself here, any opinions and questions would be great. (:
OK, so the trigger was at my Uni's LGBTQ+ group, deciding who would go to this conference thing. It sounded really interesting, with lots of useful workshops and debates, and people from all over the country would be attending. I'd even helped to write one of the motions that would be debated, one that I feel passionately about. There were 5 places available to go, one reserved specifically for self-identifying trans people. There was pretty much no chance that I'd get to go being in my last year, seeing as the Chairman had made it clear she wanted priority to be given to people who could use it for the longest time in the Uni. All the places were voted in and filled, except for the trans place. The only trans person at the meeting (the chairman, who also identifies as non-binary) couldn't make the date, and the chairman looked round the room and asked "Now, are there any trans people here that want to stand for the place?"
I didn't say anything. The place was dropped, because there was no-one to fill it. And I'm still examining my reasons as to why I didn't say anything.
Yes, I do identify as trans. If there's anything I know for sure here, it's that simple fact. Something in me still vehemently rejects any attempt to properly gender myself and identifying as my birth sex still feels really wrong. It's been nearly 3 years since I first figured myself out, since I first found out about androgynes and something in me just clicked. It was a huge weight off my shoulders.
I accept the realities of being this way but looking totally cisgender. People are still going to treat me as a girl however I dress, I know they don't realise and I have no right to get annoyed at them for not knowing. I don't want to cut my hair off just because it's sort of what you're supposed to do to look androgynous. I don't want to compare myself to other people and try and force my body to look a certain way it's just not going to. I've been down that path, and trying to 'prove myself' was one of the worst experiences of my life.
There are some days when it gets to me more than others. When I just need to dig out my binder, crossdress more than usual and somehow after doing that, I just breathe easier, I can cope better with the world. Even if I'm just doing that in my room for an hour or two, that's fine, that's enough.
I need to bite my tongue when I feel like correcting people sometimes, which I hate doing. It's not that I haven't told people before, or that I haven't told anyone recently. I have, and it's not too much of an issue with them when I do. I told my mum, but she just plain didn't believe me, ditto about being asexual though, so. It's easier to not have the whole intense conversation with people sometimes. However, that wouldn't have been too much of an issue at the meeting either, as the chairman identifies as non-binary, so the people there generally know what it is.
I have always ensured that this decision of mine to not tell people doesn't impact my freedom of speech too much. On social networking and other sites I'll either not pick a gender or pick 'other' and that's a public thing, I'll always make it clear to people that I don't want to be lumped into the gender categories, and as you can see I've got my actual picture on here and if anyone found it I wouldn't care. I will often outright say to people "I don't really think of myself as female", but then leave it at that, unwilling to give them terms for it or specify too much about it. I crossdress pretty much all the time regardless, binding as well if I need to. No-one comments on it at all.
By the way, just going to state for the record that I despise the idea that some people are 'not trans enough' to identify as trans. If this was someone else telling me this, I'd tell them to stop being so silly and just trust the courage of their convictions. But that's sort of how I'm feeling about it as well. I feel that there are people out there who are struggling with so much more than I am (not only am I mostly not telling people anything about it, but I don't have the medical stuff to deal with) who would deserve the place, whereas I wouldn't. But that's not quite it either, as if the other transperson went, I would have no qualms about that. She may be out (and look the part with the ubiquitous short hair and all that) but she's not doing anything medically either... I don't know.
I don't really know the people in the society too well, though, we only get together for these weekly meetings and I've seen one or two of them out a couple of times within a larger group. Maybe I was just intimidated by the prospect of explaining to people I've known a year now about my gender status, which is quite relevant to the work we do anyway and for which I don't really have much excuse for not having told them about? I did tell someone who used to come to our meetings, but I knew her beforehand anyway, so I didn't count her as one of them.
My usual excuse to myself is that my gender's a private thing, that telling people is tantamount to discussing in slightly-too-intimate detail how I feel about my genitalia. I'm scared they'll pity me. I'm scared that's all they'll think about when they look at me. I'm scared they won't believe me, because I'm not sure I'm going to have anything physically done. This is all normal. But identifying that way, knowing I'm not the only one helped me enormously, gave me a point of reference for dealing with the world. I'm immensely grateful for that, but part of my aversion to telling people is being scared that telling people will push me again into feeling I need to 'prove it'.
At least if I keep it to myself I can control it. The moment I book an appointment with a therapist this is out of my hands, I'm scared of it rushing off without me, I'm scared that by admitting I'm not sure about what I want done I'll sabotage my chances of having anything done about it forever. I've heard from some of you other androgynes how you had to lie to get the treatments you wanted from your therapists, and so I'm a bit scared of going if I'm still completely unsure. What if I go, and tell them how I really feel, and later I decide I want top surgery (which is the only thing I keep coming back to that would make me feel a lot better; unfortunately my chest is several sizes into qualifying for a reduction on the NHS and if I went there I'd just go the whole way), and they tell me I can't because I'm just confused or something?
But now I'm wondering if all this really is just an excuse. What if there's some part of me that's still refusing to accept this, what if I'm just letting my fears control my life? I know I've still got a long way to go. My own reactions when I tell people range from totally calm and matter-of-fact to an outright attack of the shakes. Whenever I am about to tell someone I've never told before, I can feel the shakes coming on, and I don't really want that obvious physical effect to happen in front of a group, it's humiliating. But the fact that the shakes happen at all is surely a symptom of how uncomfortable I still am about this?
I can come out as asexual, easy, even to people who outright tell me I just need such-and-such doing to me and then I'd 'understand'. Water off a duck's back, fine. It's just my sexual orientation, after all. But this... this is something far too close to me, every insult, even every offhand comment about this issue hits me so hard compared to anything else. But on the other hand, I'm 20, it's about time I grew up and learnt how to deal with it, right?
And I know full well why I just mentioned my age. It was so that people would reassure me and tell me that I'm still young, that I still have time. But so much time has gone by already. Aargh, I dunno. I know, I know, it's a long path to acceptance, but I'm wondering if I'll ever get there, or if I do it'll end up being so late that I'll look back and regret a life wasted with this worry, this self-censoring, this feeling not-quite-right.
Still glad to have me back, guys? /end BIG LONG POST.

So, for you tl;dr lot, I didn't tell my LGBTQ+ group that I was trans (and thus missed out on a really cool thing) because of:
1. Not looking the part/not out.
2. Feel it is 'private'.
3. Need for control.
4. Fundamentally uncomfortable with being trans? (Problematic.)
That breakdown is weird. Thanks for listening. (: