I'm not sure how to phrase all this, so please bear with me here.

To try and put it in a concise, non-rambling way, I feel like I've developed/fallen into this weird kind of dysphoria/depression that I'm not sure I've ever really dealt with before.

Usually, I get incredibly mad, or miserable, or self destructive. I break things, I mutilate the hell out of myself, I drink until I pass out, I start fights with my partners just for an excuse to hurt someone...its always something active. Even if its just sobbing on the couch for hours, trying to decide if it'd be worth it to try and cut my chest off.

The past few days, though, I've had this just...constant "down"-ness. I've felt ugly. I've felt tired. I've felt so incredibly, pathetically bored with everything that I don't even want to crawl out of bed in the morning, and that's all more or less normal for me, but there's just something about it that feels different. Its more...vague, almost. And honestly, its scaring me.

I'm so accustomed to flying into a rage, or falling back on hating everything, that that has become my secondary comfort zone. Wanting to piss fire and spit acid on everyone and everything, that is what I'm used to. This weird, tired, almost creeping misery is just...

Well, its a little terrifying. I'm not crying, I'm not angry, I feel like I'm barely anything at all, beyond quietly disgusted with myself and dissatisfied with practically everything. I feel so ugly, but I'm not contemplating cutting my face up with a razor; I just want to hide under all the blankets in the world. I feel hideously fat, but I'm not starving myself anymore; I'm eating, maybe just to appease my boyfriend, but I'm doing it. I feel like I'm just...going through the motions. The horribly monotonous, irritating, mind-numbing motions.

Anyone else ever dealt with this, know what this is, if its just a different shade of depression that I've never really encountered before, or I'm just blowing things entirely out of proportion and being a horrid drama queen?

Hi.

I think we have never meet or spoke to each other. I am MTF, brazilian, student, and transitioning for a year or so, on HRT and stuff. Anyway....

Before I went on HRT I had some anger episodes, through they were not as serious as yours. They had to do with dealing with pain, with trying to get pain out of me. They were comparetively minor to what you described, I'd do things such as punching myself, yell at someone, or just be rude. My dysphoria got worse during the years, and in the few months before deciding to transition I remember having the urge to mutilate myself in various ways, though I never actually did it.

Things got worse for me, regarding that aspect, before I could begin HRT. I got to a point where I was "unfeeling", as you described. It was a vague sense of "not being" and it seemed that suddenly, I was living under water. My movements where slower and harder, everything seemed to have less color and life, my voice was slow and difficult to come out and I didn't feel hungry. I remember, one weekend, just laying on bed and not getting up until it was monday morning and even so, I got up late for my daily chores. It was some kind of undeath, if it could be possible, because I was living and not living at the same time.

For me, it was depression major. I got a diagnosis from a psychiatrist not long afterwards. So yes, it could be another shade of depression you have not encountered before.

I think your depression is just manifesting differently.

This is how it is for me. I feel numb and empty. I move slow. Everything takes me longer to do. Dysphoria is low but it's like I'm a zombie, alive but not really living. I don't wake up easy. If i don't have work I will throw the cover over my head and lay there not thinking at all, just letting time elapse. Not feeling awake or a sleep. It takes a lot of energy, but I force myself to work and take classes. But there are days where I just can't to anything.

Sounds like depression - you may as well have been describing what I'm going through right now.  I hope you feel better soon - just don't give up.

  I am really sorry you feel this way. I know what it's like to have really bad anger. Trust me. And I know that it is hard, but you need to get help. Not just for the anger/depression. You need to get help for the drinking and self-mutilation. I know it seems scary. But I think the BEST thing you could do is go to a doctor or a rehab center.
Oh and I am also on the FLUFFY end of the scale (I love me some sweets!) but I'm eating properly and have lost a few pounds in a couple of days. So I'm happy. And I'm gonna keep trying. I know it sucks SO bad being overwheight. I have been overwheight my entire life.

If you feel like you don't want to do this. Picture how unfair this is to your partner. I know it was unfair of me to be so angry and being hurtful with my family. You don't want to lose him right? You need to get help so you can be happy.

This is how my depression manifests. It's called anhedonia. Sort of an emptiness to everything, just going through the motions as you say.

And it's really important to get help. I know that might not be the easiest thing to hear, but if you're not seeing a therapist, please find one. See if you can find a therapist that practices DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). DBT helped immensely with my self-harm problem, and is meant to help minimize target behaviors and impulsivity in favor of healthier and more positive habits. It should help a lot when/if your depression goes back to the scream-and-break-things variety.

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon. Feeling like this sucks.

N.Chaos, so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I don't have much in the way of 'diagnosis' or constructive suggestions, but I think you are a handsome and great guy with a lot to live for! And I hope you get back to your awesome rock and roll self very soon! 


PS Maybe you could do some sewing for me again soon? Just sayin....

I have felt this way before and it has actually been quite disruptive to my life, so I can greatly sympathize with you here...also, I can say that this is definitely a normal phase of a depressive state.

Thanks guys, it always helps a hell of a lot to know there's other people who know what I'm talking about, though I always empathize to the point where I wish I could just snap my fingers and fix all of us. Another weird thing, that empathy. I've been a fairly un-empathetic, borderline heartless person for so long, its scary as hell to be sympathizing with people again. I blame/owe most of that on Ben, though.

Bird, that sounds absolutely awful, and way too familiar. And yes, 'undeath' seems like the perfect one-word description of all this craziness.

Andy, I'd love to do more sewing for you. I've been neglecting my sewing machine so bad through this BS.

I'm not seeing a therapist, I planned to a few months ago (more accurately, Ben was determined to find me one and I gave up arguing) and unfortunately, unless we suddenly get a grant of money out of nowhere, I won't have the money for any kind of therapy anytime soon. There's a lot of other factors here that I don't go into, partially because I'd eat up so much space explaining it, but more so because some of it is incredibly embarrassing, and just...almost freakishly shameful to me.

Oh, and I'm possibly an idiot. I ended up waking up Ben last night because things just got too scary, and we talked for a while about it, and he might've figured out at least a major part of it. We're both in the process of quitting smoking and switching over to using only e-cigs, and at half-nicotine. He google'd some of the side effects of quitting, and they were pretty much dead-on. Physical, emotional and mental symptoms, ever goddamn last one of them.

So, I'm thinking that might just be exacerbating my already sporadic depressions.