This is a big step in my life and the biggest decision I have yet to make. And I'm starting to get frustrated about it all especially having to go through transition. I mean inside, psychologically I already feel like I'm there where I'm suppose to be and I hate the fact that I have to do this in order to live as who I really am. I guess what I'm saying is I hate that I'm in the wrong body, of course I've accepted that and I've found a solution to that problem, but it's just a tough fact to wrap my head around. I keep going back to the 'why me'..'why do I have to go through this'....'woulda been easier if I were born in the right body' phase but I get out of that funk quickly, it's just a frustrating reminder. Also, even though I am thankful that there's a 'community' for 'us' I strongly dislike the fact that 'we' are labeled and put in a category. I feel male, I am male and that's that. No categories, no subcategories, just that.

Another thing I've been frustrated over is not knowing exactly when to move forward with transition as far as beginning hormones. I've already made phone calls and found a dr. that I want to go with and it's just a phone call away now but I'm second guessing a lot of things such as when is a good time to transition considering I'm in school at the moment.  I go to a private college so it isnt as big as typical unis. But I would definitely want to transition now as oppose to waiting until I graduate which is soon.

Another thing that has been bothering me, which is really bothering me more because it's frivolous and unimportant; nothing to stress over, but I do. I've read around that some guys who go through their transition end up 'gay' and liking males. I know it's silly to even worry about but it's pissing the hell out of me. As of right now and since childhood I have been attracted to females. I look at a cute girl of my type and I get giddy. The only time I'm looking at a guy is when I observe their mannerisms, yeah I say 'oh he's good looking' but it's to the point where I'm jealous of his looks.   I'm just afraid that that'll change and yet I'd have another thing to worry about in the future. I guess I'm scared of the changes that's to come and what I'm to expect. Also, the thought of injecting myself is bugging the living sh*t outta me, I'm not afraid of needles or getting shots but the fact that I have to do it myself is kinda scary. Overall, even though my immediate family supports me I'm just thinking how theyll cope with this big of a change. I'm expecting the worse but the last I did that with coming out it turned out Waay better than I expected.

Anyway, I know I need to figure this out soon. I've been having dreams about it and waking up in the middle of the night with worries and thoughts about this. Feels good to let this out though.

For a question, how did you know when it was a perfect time? I feel like it's a you do or you don't decision or a now or later type deal. But in the end I know I want this more than anything.


Sorry if any of this was offensive to anyone.

In terms of magically "becoming gay" - I don't think you will have to worry about it.  I have ALWAYS been attracted to males.  The hormones or transitioning have nothing to do with it.  If you like females before transitioning, 99% of the time, you will still like females and vice versa.  Besides...I don't mind being gay. lol  It's not that bad!  XD

Quote from: JR15 on February 23, 2012, 09:30:40 PM
I keep going back to the 'why me'..'why do I have to go through this'....'woulda been easier if I were born in the right body' phase but I get out of that funk quickly, it's just a frustrating reminder.

Also, even though I am thankful that there's a 'community' for 'us' I strongly dislike the fact that 'we' are labeled and put in a category. I feel male, I am male and that's that. No categories, no subcategories, just that.

Another thing that has been bothering me, which is really bothering me more because it's frivolous and unimportant; nothing to stress over, but I do. I've read around that some guys who go through their transition end up 'gay' and liking males.

On the first part. We al get into the pity party funk from time to time. I finally feel I was lucky to be trans as I get to experience life on both sides so don't get into the self pity part anymore.

On the trans community thing, the only trans community I have ever been involved with is a few online forums over the years. I have zero interest in "hanging out with other ->-bleeped-<-s" in RL. The only trans people I even know (and I live in a town where there are plenty of transpeople) are 2 women at my church and we are friendly in passing but I don't feel some shared something just because we are trans.

On the changing sexual orientation, most likely these people were bi before and dealing with their trans issues just made them more open to it. I never really felt anything for guys before I transitioned but the idea of that didn't bother me either.

Quote from: Stephe on February 23, 2012, 10:58:42 PM

On the changing sexual orientation, most likely these people were bi before and dealing with their trans issues just made them more open to it. I never really felt anything for guys before I transitioned but the idea of that didn't bother me either.

That's pretty much how it was for me, I was in heavy denial about being more into guys. For a while there, looking back, I was almost a textbook closet case, sans the frequent homophobia.

As for knowing the right time, I think that's definitely gonna be different for everyone, but for me it wasn't really any particular point in time that I can remember. I just got more and more reclusive, started drinking worse than ever and then finally at some point gave up. Graduating college helped, because I didn't have any social obligations, so I could take the time to make a half-assed attempt to figure myself out.

As far as when it is a good time to transition, that depends on your perception of whether or not you believe you are ready. As for when would be the best time, I don't really think there is a "best time." Depending on your situation once you graduate you might go straight into work/the next scenario of life. There will always be a social hurdle that you need to climb over. Whether it is your university or elsewhere, there will always be people around you. But it does depend on you feeling comfortable, so you just have to think about that and ask yourself if you really think it will be easier now or after college. In the end it is your choice.

Also, the whole thing with T changing your sexuality isn't true. As others have said, you will remain attracted to what you have always been, but depending on how open you are to yourself about your sexuality you may find that on T you are able to "admit" being attracted to other people. That, I think, is where the idea of T "changing" your sexuality comes from.

Personally, I've always liked girls,
I've been on T for over ten months,
And I still like girls.
I can admit when a man is sexy,
But I'll never board the dude-train.
Don't worry so much,
As far as I've heard, cases of orientation changing due to hormones are usually pretty uncommon.
And if it happens, then I guess it just happens.

I agree with you on your first point. As far as I'm concerned I was born male. If we had our say that's what everyone would have always known. There is no female in the equation except for other people's unfortunate perceptions of us. Transition isn't done only to make you more comfortable in your skin but also to help others see the "real" person that's been there since day one. It sucks that we have to take that extra step, but hey, at least we have that option. I find it funny when people say T isn't a miracle drug. It sure feels like one to me. It will not ever fix everything, but it's goddamn amazing all the same. It affords us a chance we never would be able to take otherwise.

It's easy to get caught up in self-pity, but we make our own luck based on our attitude and thoughts.

Don't worry about "turning gay." What's really at play here in those "I took T and became gay" stories are probably just the result of the guy becoming more comfortable and confident and willing to consider things he had previously shoved into the back of his mind. You enjoy women, so you will continue to enjoy them. Other guys may have felt too oppressed in their former lives to worry much about sexuality, never thought about what they might call themselves, and when they got to a good point in life I guess they could feel like they suddenly just "turned" one way or the other.

You don't have to inject yourself. You can have a nurse do it for you. But if you live in the states and especially if you have no insurance, be prepared to pay for each time you go in to get jabbed. (You will probably rack up a hefty medical bill... sigh. I'm slowly paying off a bill of a couple grand.) It's much cheaper to do it yourself, and it really isn't that bad. You said you weren't afraid of needles, so once you do it a couple times you'll get over it real quick. I was the same way. No real fear of needles but it still bugged me until I got the hang of it. Anything is a little scary until you've conquered it.

As for the right time, only you can tell. But good luck, and welcome.

Quote from: tvc15 on February 24, 2012, 08:21:02 PM
I agree with you on your first point. As far as I'm concerned I was born male. If we had our say that's what everyone would have always known. There is no female in the equation except for other people's unfortunate perceptions of us. Transition isn't done only to make you more comfortable in your skin but also to help others see the "real" person that's been there since day one. It sucks that we have to take that extra step, but hey, at least we have that option. I find it funny when people say T isn't a miracle drug. It sure feels like one to me. It will not ever fix everything, but it's goddamn amazing all the same. It affords us a chance we never would be able to take otherwise.

I have to say, this is what upset me the most about my own personal situation. That if I ever wanted society to address me as male (past like the age of 14) that I would have to subject my body to stuff that I'm just not down with.

I understand that the rules of society are there for purpose and that anyone can't just up and declare they're another gender and change that legally without taking any other steps, but honestly I think in certain cases, it should be one of the available options. I don't want to have surgery and I don't want to be dependent on drugs for the rest of my life. I've made whatever peace I need to with myself and my body the way it is, but no one will ever deal with me as a male because of that. At this point in my life I wouldn't "transition" but earlier in my life I might have considered it. I even tried bioidential hormones in the past and that didn't work out for me. So I found my own way to deal with my situation. I just feel like there's no one else out there that actually DOESN'T want to be on T. I know the reasons why people do - to appear more male to society. But I know in some states just being on hormones isn't enough to change your gender either. So what if you don't want surgery then? I know a lot of guys change their minds once they see changes start to take place. But because of certain laws (or someone inability to come up with the money for surgery) they might be stuck in a limbo where they look male, but still can't get that changed on their ID legally.

There's really no point to that all but that's just how I feel. I'm fine with myself in my head and even with my body most of the time, but society would never treat me appropriately anyway.

As for the "turning gay" thing, I honestly think that you're either down for same sex from day one (and either aware of it, or repress it) or you aren't. Sexual turn ons, fantasies etc are something different, but truly being attracted to the same sex I think is just something inborn. I'm attracted to other guys, but there's only so far I'd go in the sexual department. Took me awhile to figure this out and acknowledge it.

Just wanted to add that you can get T in cream or gel form if you really don't want to deal with needles. I shudder every time I read a thread about needle size or injection problems. Props to you guys who can handle sticking yourselves every week. Y'all have bigger balls than me.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on February 24, 2012, 10:51:12 PM
I've made whatever peace I need to with myself and my body the way it is, but no one will ever deal with me as a male because of that.

I get what you're saying, but, truly, nobody? What about us? Don't you have any friends or relatives who recognize you as male?

I have a non-transitioning friend whom I've known for around three years, and he's a guy--despite his chest, his hips, his voice. I don't use the male pronoun out in public situations because it's awkward for him when I do, but he's a he. Frankly, I would be in trouble if he ever decided he wasn't trans after all. He's such a boy that I would have a devil of a time using female pronouns for him.

Somewhere in the world are people who will/do accept you as male. I don't know, maybe it's worse to have that kind of split life. I remember how weird it was to go to a trans meeting and be called "he" and then go out into the world and interact with strangers who saw me as "she." One thing that kept me going was the knowledge that if all went well, everybody would see me as male in a few months or a year.

I didn't intend to speak for everyone in that first paragraph--I try to avoid using absolutes, especially on these kinds of topics. When I said "us" I meant myself and OP, I should've put a disclaimer there. I certainly don't mean to say getting on T is the only way to go. I see more and more non-transitioning people speaking about their experiences and decisions, and I would hate to seem as if I were erasing them and implying there's only one way to be trans.

Driven, it can be a little scary the first few times, but it's really no big deal.

When I was thirteen, I read Robert and Suzanne Massie's Journey. Their son had hemophilia, and he learned how to do his own transfusions. People told him that they could never inject themselves the way he did. In the book, he replies, "Think of it in these terms: Imagine that in order to live a relatively normal life, to pursue your daily activities, all you had to do was stick yourself with a pin or drop a tiny bit of hot wax on your skin every morning. The alternative is for you to spend several days in great pain, and several more in bed, unable to do anything. The slight pain of the hot wax was all that stood between days of anguish and days of joy. Can't you see how easy it is for me to stick myself, can't you see how I welcome it and am thankful for it?"

I read this book over and over in my teenage years. And I instantly remembered this passage thirty years later, when I wanted to do my own T injections. It helped.

Quote from: Arch on February 25, 2012, 12:00:32 AM
I get what you're saying, but, truly, nobody? What about us? Don't you have any friends or relatives who recognize you as male?

I have a non-transitioning friend whom I've known for around three years, and he's a guy--despite his chest, his hips, his voice. I don't use the male pronoun out in public situations because it's awkward for him when I do, but he's a he. Frankly, I would be in trouble if he ever decided he wasn't trans after all. He's such a boy that I would have a devil of a time using female pronouns for him.

Somewhere in the world are people who will/do accept you as male. I don't know, maybe it's worse to have that kind of split life. I remember how weird it was to go to a trans meeting and be called "he" and then go out into the world and interact with strangers who saw me as "she." One thing that kept me going was the knowledge that if all went well, everybody would see me as male in a few months or a year.

There's you guys, yes, and 3 people in my life who do that. But yeah, it's an odd of kind of "split" I live. I just meant society as a whole.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on February 25, 2012, 02:15:25 PM
There's you guys, yes, and 3 people in my life who do that. But yeah, it's an odd of kind of "split" I live. I just meant society as a whole.

I live that as well, at least for the moment. It's very real, and pretty much impossible to escape without T. It's a difficult thing to make peace with.

Quote from: JR15 on February 23, 2012, 09:30:40 PM
This is a big step in my life and the biggest decision I have yet to make. And I'm starting to get frustrated about it all especially having to go through transition. I mean inside, psychologically I already feel like I'm there where I'm suppose to be and I hate the fact that I have to do this in order to live as who I really am. I guess what I'm saying is I hate that I'm in the wrong body, of course I've accepted that and I've found a solution to that problem, but it's just a tough fact to wrap my head around. I keep going back to the 'why me'..'why do I have to go through this'....'woulda been easier if I were born in the right body' phase but I get out of that funk quickly, it's just a frustrating reminder. Also, even though I am thankful that there's a 'community' for 'us' I strongly dislike the fact that 'we' are labeled and put in a category. I feel male, I am male and that's that. No categories, no subcategories, just that.

Another thing I've been frustrated over is not knowing exactly when to move forward with transition as far as beginning hormones. I've already made phone calls and found a dr. that I want to go with and it's just a phone call away now but I'm second guessing a lot of things such as when is a good time to transition considering I'm in school at the moment.  I go to a private college so it isnt as big as typical unis. But I would definitely want to transition now as oppose to waiting until I graduate which is soon.

Another thing that has been bothering me, which is really bothering me more because it's frivolous and unimportant; nothing to stress over, but I do. I've read around that some guys who go through their transition end up 'gay' and liking males. I know it's silly to even worry about but it's pissing the hell out of me. As of right now and since childhood I have been attracted to females. I look at a cute girl of my type and I get giddy. The only time I'm looking at a guy is when I observe their mannerisms, yeah I say 'oh he's good looking' but it's to the point where I'm jealous of his looks.   I'm just afraid that that'll change and yet I'd have another thing to worry about in the future. I guess I'm scared of the changes that's to come and what I'm to expect. Also, the thought of injecting myself is bugging the living sh*t outta me, I'm not afraid of needles or getting shots but the fact that I have to do it myself is kinda scary. Overall, even though my immediate family supports me I'm just thinking how theyll cope with this big of a change. I'm expecting the worse but the last I did that with coming out it turned out Waay better than I expected.

Anyway, I know I need to figure this out soon. I've been having dreams about it and waking up in the middle of the night with worries and thoughts about this. Feels good to let this out though.

For a question, how did you know when it was a perfect time? I feel like it's a you do or you don't decision or a now or later type deal. But in the end I know I want this more than anything.


Sorry if any of this was offensive to anyone.

I guess we all been in this part where our mind is wrapped around on all this questions.

to answer your most simple question first then dont worry much about the sexualety point, I did so as well as I where to start T, I am bisexual but I where pretty nervous of how I would feel if I turned all gay or all straight, but im still bisexual. I have experience people sorta "changing" sexualety before and after, but as I look at those people its also been a matter of changing themself as being honest. you see, before I was on T or anything I didnt really like my body, so to open up for others where also kinda closeminded, I guess many transgender people are felling the same, and as they get more open about themself they also get more to those fellings with others, which mean something they might have denied or not seen now turn to be something they can experiense.

I hope it makes sense.
---
to answer the other point I knew it where time when I couldnt really handly the felling of nothing to happening anymore and when I really wished for it so much that every day where to long for that moment.
I do feel the same thoughts, why me? why couldnt I just be born a normal boy, and so on,
I still do once in a while, however, I can be reminded of the good points of me I got, because I had those fights it made me stronger, and because I had those fights I been able to understand more people and help people in ways I might not could do before.
I have a couple of people saying they been inspired by me to be honest with themself.