Hi everyone! I've been lurking around this site (and others) for almost two months now trying to find some answers. You are all awesome and have helped me to answer most of my questions.
So I guess a little background is required. I'm 30 years-old, have been happily married for 6+ years and have an amazing 4 year-old daughter.
What brought me here? Well, even though I'm happily married, I'm not (or ever have been) exactly "happy". I've dealt with depression and social anxiety as long as I can remember and don't generally find joy in life. When I was young, I prayed to God constantly to turn me into a girl. I also remember trying to convince a few people that I was actually a girl. I don't think I ever realized that most "normal" people don't do this. I never played around with crossdressing to the extent that some people do, but definitely more than someone who's comfortable with their identity. Anytime I tried to explore this area of my thoughts though, I ended up full of guilt and stress about being discovered. I was also bullied and made fun of extensively through out school and never really had more than one or maybe two friends at a time. Currently, I don't have the bullying or anything like that but I still struggle to make friends. I think the only person I would currently consider a friend also happens to be my wife.
What made me start lurking here is that about two months ago, I came across a different website that talked a lot about Gilmartin's "love-shy male" and the "male lesbian". The descriptions fit me and my experiences perfectly (I know this can be a hot-button topic, but whatever your thoughts about it may be, I can identify with the descriptions). I've had three serious relationships in my life (including my wife) but looking back now, I realize all of those relationships were with woman who courted me rather than the other way around. It was great finding out that I was not alone but just being able to relate didn't help me to overcome it or provide any sort of solution.
So the love-shyness combined with the life long desire to be a girl (or now a woman, I guess) sent me looking through transgender forums and I was convinced that transitioning would be the right thing for me. This gave me a sense of peace for a few days until the anxieties of transitioning set in. I had so many questions and fears. I posted an introduction on another forum at about this time expressing my fears of transition and how I was considering only a partial transition. I was very surprised at the reactions I got. It was a very binary "you either go all the way or you're not transgendered". I was discouraged to say the least. Then I slowly started to find posts from a few different members on this forum as well as the other one explaining the gender spectrum and how someone can fall anywhere with in and doesn't need to be 100% male or female (I wish I could thank these people, but I don't know if I should call them out here or try to contact them by PM).
Now I've spent the last week or so researching androgyny and I have reached a total sense of calm about the whole thing (I'm actually happy for a change). I believe this is where I fall into the gender spectrum. I feel a little more feminine than masculine, but I don't want to abandon all of my masculinity. I do have an appointment with a very well respected gender clinic (which includes therapy and medical treatments) and I am so excited to go, but it's still a month and a half away. The path I want to take right now (knowing full well it may change in the future) is that I would like to start on a low-dose regimen of HRT. I'm looking mostly for some psychological changes that others have described feeling from HRT including a sense of peace, less rage, and just generally feeling better about myself and the world around me. I'm also looking forward to some of the physical changes (I consider these a bonus) including reduced body hair (hate my body hair), fat redistribution (curves are cool), some minor breast development, softer, less oily skin, and the possibility of getting some head hair back (I know this one is a stretch, but I am not "bald", just really pretty thin on top – I can dream, right?). I do have some concerns about HRT, which I guess I should address in another topic, but for right now, I just wanted to introduce myself and maybe hear back from anyone who's currently in or has gone through a similar situation. I can't thank the organizers and participants of this community enough. The information provided here has been invaluable. Sorry for the long post – I don't tend to talk much, but my writing can get out of hand
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