Im so depressed. I hate myself and I feel like trash and my head says "you're not a guy you're a delusional little girl" and I hate how I look like I'm 12 when I'm a lot older than that. I feel like I'll never be man enough for anything and Everytime I hear the word woman I think of myself and want to die. And my body dysphoria has gotten so bad. Whenever I hear people mention a bio guy or I see a guy. I'm enraged and jealous.

Yes, you really are a guy.

I think a huge percent of us have this kind of self-deprecating backlash when we drop into depression. I know on my worst days the voice inside my head says things more cruel than anyone else ever could. That doesn't mean that what it's saying is true though.

Stay strong, and try and think about all of the amazing times ahead of you. I know it's hard to drag yourself back out of that place, but you can do it, and one day you'll be stronger for it. Until then, we're all here to help you out and share the tough times.

Keep strong bro.

Thank you. That made me feel a little better

Your first post tells me that you definitely are a guy. I agree with Bane 100%, it can get really dark along the way (especially early on) but it doesn't change the reality. We have this acute awareness of who we are and what we want to be, but for awhile no one else can see or understand this. This can be very hard to deal with. I was really reluctant in the beginning, asking myself if I really was trans, constantly second-guessing myself... in essence denying the reality. Eventually it became clear that this constant questioning only meant one thing...

This journey has its hard parts (as we all know) but it's so incredibly worth it. I love the life I'm living now and wouldn't trade it for anything. You WILL get there too and I guarantee you that no matter how hard the going gets, it's not nearly as bad as a life of dysphoria and denial (which people tell me only gets worse as you get older). Because though it is hard, there comes a point where this stuff becomes a non-issue and you get to just live your life. And that part is truly awesome. Hang in there man, you can do this.

Hey man just hold on. No bad feeling lasts forever, and we can all be our own worst enemies sometimes.

I look 15. I tried to buy condoms recently and got PATTED ON THE HEAD.

You'll be okay if you work at it. I'm still teaching myself not to dwell on dysphoria-inducing aspects of my life.

I understand 110% where you are coming from. When you don't bind, don't have T, or in some cases, don't have a packer, it feels like it's all just some great game of pretend that only you know about. It feels like "What's the point? I am just fooling myself." I was going to a bad therapist and my mom promised to help me get a good psychiatrist but she hasn't gotten around to doing it so for now everything has felt blah.

So recently I stopped shaving. Underarms, and legs/thighs. It has made me feel a lot better. And I also just purchased a binder so that I can actually hopefully pass and wear shorts outside! lol I don't want to have these ginormous chesticles and beastly hairy legs. I rather not get looks! That's just me though.

Either way, whenever I start to feel like that, I think to myself, "Okay. I just won't transition. But where will that leave me?" Becoming a "wife" just doesn't feel right, and neither does becoming a mother. Becoming a husband and father, now that sounds right. A flat chest, now that sounds right. A deep voice, that sounds right. And at the end of the day I look at guys not cause I want to be with them. But because I envy their bodies.So yep, I am trans. And there is a solution.

Being trans should come with a warning. "Warning, you must have all the patience in the world". Because everything is about waiting. But I know that the results in the end are worth all those annoying months and perhaps years of waiting.

Everything everyone else has already said is true. I relapse into a haze of total misery all the goddamn time, but even I can see where things have improved, and that they even have makes me have at least a sliver of hope. Starting out is the hardest. The absolute hardest. I don't know where you are, but if things are as bad as they can feasibly be, then at least know two things.

1. Things can always, always potentially be worse than they are
2. Things will get better. Maybe not because of divine intervention or good karma, but because they have to. Law of averages, cyclical BS, whatever you call it. Things change, and for a lot of us (and maybe a lot of people in general), knowing that change even exists is a comfort.

I agree to what everyone else has already said.

Also, in times when you feel like that, it's important to have something to hold on to - even if it's something small. In the past I've held on to things as seemingly insignificant and small as a favorite pair of (mens) jeans or something.

And realize that no one else can tell you who you are inside. If someone calls you female - they're looking at you from the outside. Your internal voice though is what's reinforcing them. You are the one calling yourself a "delusional little girl". That's some straight up psychology right there. We all are our own worst enemies sometimes, especially in times of depression. We're very adapt at beating ourselves up. Change the self-talk and your perspective, even it it's just in tiny little ways. Over time, that will serve you well in many of life's situations - not just when gender issues come up.

Some of the most fiercest rulers and great men go through trials and tribulations of depression and questioning their manhood.  It is that submission  of humbleness to themselves that make them who they become if I make sense.

So yes you are really a guy if you accept it..  The road does get tough at times but you ARE man enough just by the fact that you are questioning it.  Now it is just a matter of being that man.

I understand where you are coming from.  When I was on the bus yesterday I saw an old cismale and I thought to myself, "grrrr he is so lucky to get to enjoy his penis, I wish I at least had an old man's penis."  but thinking about old men's willies isn't going to change anything neither is being enraged and jealous even though it is a natural feeling.  Instead try to put those feelings of negativity into a positive display for yourself.  When you fill your aura with negative thoughts thats all you will get but the moment that you begin to fill yourself with optimism, some of the negative will chip away slowly but surely.  Felix is right.  You will be okay if you do work at it.

As others said hang in there. 

Thanks everyone

Hang in there.   Regardless of what you look like, if you know in the core of your being that you are a guy, you are.  End of discussion.
Most teenage guys are worried about their appearance too, so if you can get past that you will be well ahead of your peers in maturity.
I found that in the earliest stages of transition I had to avoid mirrors as much as possible, as they just made me feel awful.  Apart from combing your hair in the morning, and making sure you are not wearing breakfast or lunch, stay away from them.
I found it really did help me get away from worrying about external appearances.
You will get there, it's just a case of having to learn patience, a difficult task for a young man  in a hurry, I know.

Karen.

You're more man than most, and I'm sure if anyone understands, it's those of us here. You especially hit me dead on with mentioning jealousy of bio-men (and looking 12).

I think it's something we all have to come to terms with, and it may be hard and nerve-wracking, but having a place like this forum to come and discuss fears really helps.

I think most everyone else all ready covered things, but if you feel you are a man, you are. Don't worry about what that pessimistic side of you may say, it's just being cruel, and you should tell it to go away.

Hope you feel better dude, cause you deserve to feel awesome about yourself.

You tell me, dude. After all, you are the world's foremost expert on your own gender--don't let other people try to tell you otherwise.

Next time that cruel voice in your head pops up saying you're just playing at it, or you aren't really a guy, think about the words it's using. Would you ever, ever say something like that to a fellow transman or a transwoman? I doubt it. You'd support them, because you know where they're coming from. Remember to support yourself, too, and give that nasty voice a kick in the ass for me. I've got a voice just like it, and every day I have to remember it's not my conscience and it doesn't know more than me, it's just a cruel little thing that makes me feel like crap, and which I have every right to ignore. Everyone has that little jerk on their shoulder trying to bring them down.

One last thing--a transman I met once said "The kind of man I am is the kind of man I am." Read that again. What it says, basically, is that you define the terms of your own manhood. If you say you are a man then you are a man. You can be any kind of man, not just the kind the media or your particular culture says is a "real" man. No one can take that away from you. They can be cruel or insensitive or just ignorant, but they can't take away that unshakeable rock inside you that says, "I am male." And if you have that, you've frankly got more than a lot of men out there, who feel like they always have to prove their manhood to everyone.

I understand.
I'm 22 but, dressed as a girl, can barely pass for 18. When I dress as a guy, I might as well be pre-pubescent.
Most times I feel lost and I'm not sure what I want, but I had a dream once where I had a son and he called me Dad and nothing had ever felt so right.

If it feels right, in your heart - then maybe you should listen to it more then your head . If you're a guy in your heart. Then you're a guy.
Your mind may just be clouded by society and the world that we've grown up in. But, if being a girl doesn't feel right. Then it's not right. Follow your gut - right now to your male core!

Good luck. Stay Strong!