A couple other threads on here have me thinking and I'd really just like to come out and ask if there's anyone else out there who basically lives "stealth" as "female" ... and might not even have intentions of transitioning, taking hormones or having surgery but still consider themselves male.

I know a lot of people lament the fact they're currently forced to live as female because they can't transition for whatever reason. But what about if you're just choosing not to transition now (or possibly even in the future)?

I'm guessing I probably won't get many responses here on that specific question.

Nevertheless, if anyone who's currently living "stealth" as "female" and would like to share their feelings, their trials and tribulations, etc, feel free. What do you find the hardest part to be about having to live in society as female? What about appearances ... do you still look more female than male? Dress male or female? Does having to "play the part" ever wear you down? Do other females trip you out in any way because they think you're "one of them"?

Just curious.

I am living stealth for now. I am attending a university where I do think I won't get too much crap. But for now, I started off the semester with my birth name in classes and large breasts. I don't want to rock the boat. Especially since I didn't have a binder or anything. Now I got a binder and what not.
Lately I have been sort of getting close to not using my birth name with things. Like I was at starbucks and she asked me my name and I kinda hesitated but ended up using my birth name. And I had a class where we had to take a survey and put our gender. But the girl was collecting the survey one by one so I put female because I panicked that she would look at it or know that it was me who put "male".
Family and fiancee know I am trans. But everyone else knows me as a female. It really sucks but soon enough, I won't be presenting female.
I look male and people definitely look at me and have to do a double take because I have breasts but I don't look female. It just sucks badly. Feeling how I do and then having the world see me another way. I don't own anything female with the exception ofa bra. I don't act like a woman. I sound like a woman because my voice just isn't that deep. But people probably automatically assume I am a lesbian. At this point, it does suck but I just don't care. It is what it is!

I am stealth. I have asked all my professors to use my chosen name, rather than my birth name and to use the proper pronouns. I have told them that I have started HRT, and that is why I have a deep voice, and look masculine as opposed to my very feminine birth name. All of them have been accepting and wonderful with the appropriate pronouns, even a professor that I have had since Freshman year and also my advisor who had only ever known me by my birth name. He has continued using proper pronouns and my name. None of my classmates and peers are the wiser, and the ones that knew me before HRT I have informed and have been using proper pronouns as well.

I will continue to be stealth. I wear a binder every day, and once I can afford top surgery I will do that stealth as well. I will get it done during a long break, and come back as if nothing ever happened. Same with my legal name change, driver's license, etc.

However, when I go out drinking with people that I don't know well .. it gets awkward. I have to make sure to show my ID without them being able to see it, since it is still another name and I have long hair in the picture.

I'm definitely not living stealth, and I do dress male,
When I'm called a girl now, it's usually only by people who knew me before I began to transition.
But when I first started transition, I suppose that I was pretty stealth about it,
I didn't say anything to anyone, and I absolutely hated it.

isnt that just not out, not stealth. im out but not stealth as i like in my home town.

Absolutely not.
I honestly couldn't. I get pissed as it is right now if I'm misgendered, if I had to go back to spending every waking minute loathing everything about myself, I'd either finish myself off or go on a killing rampage and commit an elaborate suicide-by-cop kind of thing.

I tried, I'll say for the first 20 years of my life maybe, but I failed. And pretty much after I graduated college, that was it. Before I had a binder, I rarely left the house, and never during the day. I practically turned into a goddam vampire, and I spent all my time and effort on either destroying myself or everything else around me. And when I finally did get that first binder, I still didn't want to go out. And eventually I crawled my way back towards having some semblance of a life again, which has its ups and downs. I'm back at square one on the social department right now, avoiding going out as much as possible, but hell if I know why. Things have been strange for me lately.

The previous 2 years at school I was like that. I was living a dual life . . in school I was "stealth" according to your definition and at home I was stealth as in living as male and no one knows about me being trans.

It was HELL. Not only did I get a lot of ->-bleeped-<- because I looked completely male, but used the female bathroom and went by female pronouns and stuff, but it also have a huge emotional impact on me. It was literally killing me going by female pronouns and my birth name.

So happy I don't have to do that anymore.

I live a stealth life.  Hell I'm so stealth I still wear female underwear.  I have boxers but I like the tightness of the underwear because it makes me feel like I have bulge.  I do have some female jeans I wear but they definately aren't stylish.  I mostly find myself wearing gender-neutral clothes though.
I think one of the hardest things for me right now living in steal is my interactions with cismales.  I always feel inferior to them when they open the door for me.  I can tell the difference if they are opening the door because I appear woman or if they are just being nice and would do that for anyone.  When it's the first one it makes me feel down but I still mangage to say thank you in the smallest meekrat voice..  There are other times where I feel kind of looked down upon by them.

Another thing is family.  My dad and sister knows I'm trans and I'm sure my mom has a clue along with my other sister but sometimes I feel they go out of their way to address me as female.  "You are an intelligent young lady."  "You ain't no boy stop spitting like one."  "Stop whistling young ladies aren't supposed to do that."  "You are a girl." "You are my sister." and the list goes on.  I find myself getting depressed over that because I'm stuck and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it right now.

As far as appearance goes I usually look more female than male because I wear ponytails (which is why I have my Ushanka on a lot) but right now I have in braids so I look a bit more masculine and I will try to wear braids more often in the future hopefully. I'm a fairly ugly fat person so I don't care for my appearance much.  It doesn't look like I try to be female.  It just happens with the help of my giant breasts and hips.

Do I feel like I'm putting on a show?  Yes in a way.  I'm a pretty shy and reserved person so I don't break my neck trying to meet new people or to talk to them and I don't go out of my way to have them confirm their beleifs that I appear female so I must be female.

Do other females trip you out in any way because they think you're "one of them"?  I'm not so sure if they would think that.  I'm guessing I would be cast out as an oddball so I wouldn't hang around many to find out but then again my interactions with people are very limited at the moment so for future refences I will just put yes.


I have my heart set out to transition (hormone wise) and probably the only ways I chose not to is because of the T having increased chances of me having heart diseases, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetes which combined with my weight and genetics I'm probably 1 cheeseburger away from having.  That and the cost would be my biggest factors but hey my motto is "be a man or die trying" so I'll probably ignore all those other factors anyway.   

I am living stealth.I told some people I would like to transition before but I haven't mentioned that for a while and nobody asks me about that anymore.I still have my long hair although I'm thinking of cutting it off.When I'm alone in the bathroom it's different story.I shave,sometimes were male boxers and bind.I have some male clothes that I were in public and also male parfume.But I am living as female all the time.The problem is I want to dress in male's lockeroom on gym.I didn't mention it to anyone in school,because I'm scared what the reaction will be.I am in somewhat confusing situation and not quite sure what are my plans for the future about all this.

I am stealth right now but dressing more male than female. Female pronouns are starting to bother me. I'm really just waiting to begin t to I guess slowly get away from being stealth. Although, my 'plan' is to remain stealth til I see/feel changes from t and then make changes with the flow of that. But living this way is definitely hard, messes with my head. I am out to family and I dont think they quite understand everything. So they still call me by my name, she, everything that I'm not. I dont let it bother me too much since I accepted that it'll take some time for them to understand. My main concern right now is how to begin moving away from being stealth. I go to college, not big, same people I started with will graduate with me, so we mostly know one another. I graduate in about 6/7 months In that case, I dont know whether I should continue to stay stealth or move forward. I really want to move forward though. So any suggestions as far as how to slowly move away from being stealth? Give it a go.

Quote from: Malachite on March 01, 2012, 03:15:20 PM
I can tell the difference if they are opening the door because I appear woman or if they are just being nice and would do that for anyone.

Off topic, but found this interesting. How can you tell?

Also, I'm not sure everybody's clear on the topic - this is about living stealth as 'female' not after transition, correct?

Quote from: Forum Admin on March 01, 2012, 05:38:10 PM
Also, I'm not sure everybody's clear on the topic - this is about living stealth as 'female' not after transition, correct?

I think they mean people who choose not to transition and then, I guess, "pretend" not to be trans-- like they just live their lives as female and don't let anyone know they're really male inside.  That's what I got from it, anyway.

Quote from: Forum Admin on March 01, 2012, 05:38:10 PM
Off topic, but found this interesting. How can you tell?

Also, I'm not sure everybody's clear on the topic - this is about living stealth as 'female' not after transition, correct?

I think he wants the opinions of those who are still living as female who may not transition but since that would be rare to find then the lives of any ftm who who still presents as female would count.

From my experience it's the angle of how they old the door open and how much effort is put into it like they will open it enough for me to get a grip of it and then continue walking to let me get the rest and it's a chain.  I will do that for the next person.  If they open the door wide open and just wait for me to walk through then I'm guessing they are acting like a gentleman along with kind of rushing to the door to open it.

Yes, living "stealth" as female.

There are definitely some situations where being treated female makes me feel ... I don't really know how to put it. I kind of think to myself, "oh if you only knew" in those situations. There's been a few rare occasions where I've had to deal with a really chauvinistic male - like the type who talks down to all women or thinks he's better because he is male. Those types of dudes make me want to rip them apart, not just for dealing with me that way but for dealing with others that way too. I've had plenty of women deal with me as "the oddball". It's like they can sense something is off but not exactly what. Most probably think "lesbian" I would imagine. Most family members always dealt with me on the level of "tom boy", then after a certain age my mom really started laying on the "you're a lady, deal with it" kind of attitude. My mom only ever accepted the facts about me in a marginal way - when it was easy to explain away to others (hence the "tom boy" thing). So after a certain point and certainly into adulthood she tried her best to push me into the female role. I have no brothers or sisters so I was the only focus of attention. My dad has always been mellow about it. I think he understands more than anyone else about certain things.

In college is when my "dual" life really started though - because I was away from my parents and in a place where no one really knew me. Yeah I've always used my birth name, so even teachers would call me that, but outside of any situation where I had to show my ID I would be myself. I got into a number of sticky situations leading the dual life. So I didn't go about that the best way at that time.

I guess because I'm well past college and I don't have a typical job, that I'm able to circumvent a lot of situations that would tend to annoy and complicate things. That may be one thing that's helped me find my own way around things. Other than that I've just come to the realization that I can "be myself" in almost any situation. I don't have to "act female" because I'm not and maybe sometime that will get me some strange looks but I can't change what other people think. I had to totally change my perspective on things to even be able to move forward in my own life though. I think most everyone in life has to "play roles" at points. So if I have to give my birth name out or show my ID or whatever, that's one of those roles. It doesn't define me though. Most people have a role they play at their job, or they play the role of parent or caregiver or any other number of roles. It doesn't change who you are.

I do. But I dress in entirely male clothing, wear a binder, have short hair, and make 'jokes' about being a boy. I work in an elementary school and do not want to lose my job. I KNOW I am transgender, now I'm just trying to figure out what is the least amount of transitioning I can do whilst achieving happiness. I'm just scared basically. But living this way kills me sometimes.

I currently do, though only for a few more months hopefully. I am planning to get on hormones and such but until that time and until I move I have no choice. My husband is pretty well known in our community and works with high school students looking at going to our university. Since his job is so public, and people know that he was married to a woman (not to mention I had to attend things under the title of wife) we just decided to keep it quiet until after the move. Even if I get on hormones before the move, it won't be for more than a few months, so I doubt I will pass much better than I do anyway.

It is rough though, as at home is the only time I get gendered correctly or called by my chosen name. Its gotten to the point where when people use my birth name, I tend not to hear them, since I don't claim that name as my own.

I am pretty sure everyone is confusing stealth to not out. Stealth, from every other definition that I have came across, is when someone is transitioning - already out to those that knew them before(family, friends, etc) - and feels the need to NEVER out themselves again throughout their transition. They live completely as the gender that they identify with, and are stealth with the fact that they were not born into the sex that reciprocates their gender by anatomical concerns.

I am out. I am seen as male by everyone around me, and am stealth. I do not tell anyone that I am transgender, unless the situation arises where I must. Once my name is legally changed, there will be no problem with me remaining stealth in social environments.

I know stealth is "lingo" for any trans person that either is going through or has already completed "transition". But the term itself can certainly be applied to any situation where you have information about yourself that you're not willing to give.

My situation is not so different in just the fact that I don't want anyone (except those few people I choose to know) to be privy to the information that the person I really am is not necessarily what people "see" all the time on the outside. Same type of thing as when someone transitions to their preferred gender and they do not want general society ever knowing they were born differently.

It seems like a number of people who are still having to live as "female" actually have told people close to them they're trans. Being "out" has many different levels too.

@Ayden - if you don't mind me asking, is your husband sticking with you? How's he taking it? I'm actually married as well (yes, to a dude).

Lots of us live closeted lives before we come out to other people, and we do it even after we've come out to those who are close to us. I'm not sure if those situations really fit what you're asking. For a long time, the only one who knew I identified as male was my then-partner. I thought of myself as a cross dresser because I didn't want to be a transsexual. When I started seeing myself as transgender, I sometimes identified myself as a cross dresser rather than trans.

I had different modes. In my head, I lived other lives as a boy. In the real world, I had short hair and wore men's clothing but just looked like a masculine girl for a long time. Every once in a while, I would spook someone in the women's restroom, but it didn't become a problem till I was actively identifying as transgender. Once I realized that there were real people out there like me--not just obscure case studies in some book--I guess that made a big difference. And I now knew that I wasn't crazy. I started to let myself get more comfortable with my masculinity, and that's when people started hassling me.

This went on for years, and then I was less and less able to deal with being trans. In grad school, I went back in the closet. That was definitely some kind of stealth mode, but I can't call it active stealth. I didn't tell myself, "I'm a man, but I'm going to live as a woman." Rather, I tried to blot out all the transness and deny that it existed. I had been getting to close to the truth for a long time, and when I was on the verge of seeing it, I recloseted myself. Whenever I did do some self-reflection, I still thought of myself as a woman who wanted to be a man, or as a masculine woman. Anything but the truth. I couldn't take steps to transition until something inside me snapped and I realized that I really was a gay man, not a woman who wanted to be a gay man.

So, I came out to myself in 1988. I lived varying degrees of "stealth as a woman" until 2008. If you're looking for a great way to mess yourself up, I definitely recommend my route.

But I always wanted to transition, and I planned to do it...someday.

When I first transitioned, I thought I wanted to live stealth. But I didn't. And I don't.

I am very open (not loud and all) but I mean like, if people ask or something, yeah, I'ma tell em. I'm president of Allies LGBTQ at my college...and the majority of people know. I've had issues and I am afraid of the danger and I've been in some problems and ->-bleeped-<-ed up situations, but overall, it feels amazing. Since I'm pre-everything, it feels better and less like I'm hiding or supressing myself. Even after surgery and T, I probably won't live stealth because I've had alot to offer others. Especially on my campus, I've educated so many and also helped other transguys.