eh.  just woke up.  usually in a good mood but i'm kinda reeling right now.  i dunno where this came from but i was just hit with two really intense dreams/nightmares about coming out.  i mean when i dream it isn't fuzzy or tenuous, i get really vivid, realistic, solid experiences that i can't distinguish from reality so when i have a bad dream it really shakes me up.

first dream, i was staying over at the house of this girl i like, i've mentioned her on here before.  i ended up sleeping in her bed without a binder and snuggling and she froze up, and i was like, okay, we should probably talk.  she said 'yeah....', and i started trying to tell her how i'm still the same person, my body is just wrong, but she got really angry and said how i'm not a real guy and that i've been lying to her, and you know how you get that horrible sick feeling when things are going bad?  then the worst part was i completely lost it and attacked her.  wtf.  i know it was only a dream, i'm just not a violent person.  i can't imagine ever throttling anyone, especially not her. 

then i half woke up feeling disgusting and fell asleep again and went back into the same place, except it was like i'd woken up there before we went to bed and i was like okay, ->-bleeped-<-, i need to tell her.  i said i had something to tell her and she waited expectantly and i finally choked it out, explaining i had a bad dream about it, and i was on the verge of tears.  and she looked awkward and gave me a hug and said it was ok, but i could tell the way she looked at me had changed and ended up crying like a moron.  then we went out somewhere and i was trying to act all macho to prove i'm just as much a real guy as anyone else and ended up getting into a major slagging match with a security guard who was being a dick to some elderly lady.

man.  ugh.

I'm sorry you had to go through those dreams man I know the feeling.  Do you have any plans on coming out to her?

yeah for sure, i just didn't know when to do so.  after this, i kinda feel like coming out to her today, but i doubt i will.  too early on. 

Good luck to whenever you decide to do it.  Stop the dreams before they start up like mine did.

you had them too?  yeah, this better not become a regular occurence.  i'm way to upbeat for regular nightmares.  starts the day off all wrong. 

I hope it doesn't become a regular occurance for you.  My dreams were the reason I just had to come out to my sister.  They consumed me slowly everytime I slept.  They weren't as violent as your but the theme was similar.  I would tell her I'm trans and in some dreams I would dream about being alseep mumbling stuff about being trans hoping that she would walk in and hear me and when I wake up tell her I'm trans.  The dreams were so realistic and it affected how I spoke with her.  I became much more dysphoric around her.  It got so bad that the stress actually delayed my period for about 3-4 days.  After coming out to her the dreams had stop and about an hour later I got my period again.  It's funny how things work out.  Now she doesn't accept that I'm trans but that's a whole different story and I'm glad that at least she knows.

yeah, i think i remember reading you saying how you'd come out to her.  i can imagine how much of a relief it must have been, actually having it out there instead of weighing you down.

Yeah I'm just glad to have my mind clear to whether she accepts it or not.  Still got to work on the other family members but this is a big start.

i already attempted coming out. told my family and friends and everyone. it went decently. note: i say "attempted" because i'm not currently transitioning anymore.

my problem is that i'm living as a lesbian, and in a domestic partnership with my wife. my wife was ok with my transitioning at first, then there was alot of fighting and argueing that didn't have anything to do with transitioning, and she then told me that she had lied and that she really isnt ok with it.

as much as i want to transition and truly be comfortable with myself, my wife is a lesbian and isnt attracted to men. i stopped transitioning to avoid conflict. but it didnt solve the problem. obviously.

i'm just having alot of internal battles now, because i still want to transition, but i'm afraid of losing her. i love her more than life itself. she knows that i'm trans and she acknowledges that i'm a man. but sexually she sees me as a female. :/ and (sorry if its tmi, ill try to be as g-rated as possible) when we're "in the bedroom" sometimes we get into a position that i'd be the "female". she really gets into it, but it immediately turns me off. i have to physically/sexually see myself as a man or it just turns off my mojo. it's really depressing sometimes. i dont want to live without her, but i cant live with myself this way.

->-bleeped-<-'s pretty frustrating. lol.

i'm gonna be blunt here, because i know this isn't what you're going to want to hear, but your happiness comes above satisfying another person's emotional needs.  i spent several years stressing and fretting and trying to match myself to my husband's sexual and romantic desires because i knew he didn't want to be with a man, and i thought that i couldn't live without him, and that i needed to fulfill him for us to be together forever.  this only leads to resentment and a continuing spiral of self-frustration that eventually turns into anger and a sense of being trapped.  if her love is coming from a genuine place that isn't based around lust (which is often confused with love) it should be totally selfless.  if she can't accept you with a different body then she isn't in love with you as a person.  i couldn't imagine myself and life without my husband, now here i am and i'm experiencing a kind of joy for life i never thought was possible, and i'm in love with myself and everything is full throttle.  it's an amazing feeling, and i'm doing it for me, and i have a new appreciation for the people around me, and i feel like i can achieve anything.  we don't need relationships to propel us forward.  relationships should be an experience of equal enhancement and if they're not enabling personal growth then they are in some way unhealthy.  we allow ourselves to become stifled because there's a part of ourselves that need some kind of bolster and we look for that in other people, because it's easier to have something external come in and support those weaker parts than find the strength to do it alone.  i have complete sympathy for your situation because it sounds so much like mine, and it's a painful position to be in.  you need to make the choices that are going to give you joy in yourself, and you won't be able to do that if you're trying to live for another.

Quote from: schism on March 06, 2012, 03:52:55 AM
i'm gonna be blunt here, because i know this isn't what you're going to want to hear, but your happiness comes above satisfying another person's emotional needs.  i spent several years stressing and fretting and trying to match myself to my husband's sexual and romantic desires because i knew he didn't want to be with a man, and i thought that i couldn't live without him, and that i needed to fulfill him for us to be together forever.  this only leads to resentment and a continuing spiral of self-frustration that eventually turns into anger and a sense of being trapped.  if her love is coming from a genuine place that isn't based around lust (which is often confused with love) it should be totally selfless.  if she can't accept you with a different body then she isn't in love with you as a person.  i couldn't imagine myself and life without my husband, now here i am and i'm experiencing a kind of joy for life i never thought was possible, and i'm in love with myself and everything is full throttle.  it's an amazing feeling, and i'm doing it for me, and i have a new appreciation for the people around me, and i feel like i can achieve anything.  we don't need relationships to propel us forward.  relationships should be an experience of equal enhancement and if they're not enabling personal growth then they are in some way unhealthy.  we allow ourselves to become stifled because there's a part of ourselves that need some kind of bolster and we look for that in other people, because it's easier to have something external come in and support those weaker parts than find the strength to do it alone.  i have complete sympathy for your situation because it sounds so much like mine, and it's a painful position to be in.  you need to make the choices that are going to give you joy in yourself, and you won't be able to do that if you're trying to live for another.

Schism is exactly right.  When your happiness comes first then that opens up the door for you to gain a deeper relationship with someone.

:/ the truth hurts. i showed my coworker what you guys said, and she agrees 100%. :/ i'm uber co-dependent. its a problem. lol. i've spent my entire life. (thus far) living for other people, making sure everyone around me is happy. i dont really know how to do it differently... :/

Quote from: Todd Landon on March 06, 2012, 05:34:19 PM
:/ the truth hurts. i showed my coworker what you guys said, and she agrees 100%. :/ i'm uber co-dependent. its a problem. lol. i've spent my entire life. (thus far) living for other people, making sure everyone around me is happy. i dont really know how to do it differently... :/

It comes with self-actualization and small steps.  Once you realize that you can't make everyone happy forever then that's when living can begin.

i've already realized it, i just dont have the balls or the heart to change it. i feel like im letting everyone down.

it can take a while to reach the point you feel able to properly address it.  you've acknowledged it, which is a big step.  it isn't gonna happen overnight.