Hey, just wondering if I'm weird.

Anyone (guys, girls, all feel free to chime in) ever grieve the person you previously were after you decided to take steps toward presenting and transitioning?
I've just finished looking at my binder full of certificates through the years, and I feel almost completely disconnected from the girl listed. I mean, obviously, I'm not even legally that person anymore. I think I'm grieving. What are other ppl's experiences with this phenomenon? Am I the only one like this?

I'm sure you're not the only one.  Personally, I don't miss my old self at all.  However, I do occasionally miss my old friends because I've cut off contact with most people I used to know.  I still care about (some) of these people and wish they could know me as I am now.  Not going to happen, but I miss them from time to time.

Thanks, Adio   I'm not sad that I've kicked a so-called girl to the curb....its just I don't feel like it was me at all anymore. Like I almost have no past. I find it weird that I'm disassociated from myself pretty much completely.

I don't think your the only one however I never I had this experience. I guess I was never raised to act a certain way so I was just me and I kinda developed into the man I am. So I guess I don't have anything to grieve.
But I, like you, am no longer legally that person. I feel somewhat disconnected as well when I see my old name on stuff from middle school and early high school. Sometimes I don't even think that was me, I don't have any memories of presenting as female. Sometimes I think who is that person and why do I have they're things. 

I don't think it's weird - after all, even if the "person" you were was just a persona or mask, they were still a major part of your life.

I can't relate to this much, but I'm sure others can. As for me, even before I realized that I wanted to transition out of the body that time was giving me, I felt disconnected to my name. It's like I always knew that it's not the name I should have been born with and therefore I always had some sort of disdain for it.

Quote from: Kyle_S on March 05, 2012, 09:10:25 PM
Thanks, Adio   I'm not sad that I've kicked a so-called girl to the curb....its just I don't feel like it was me at all anymore. Like I almost have no past. I find it weird that I'm disassociated from myself pretty much completely.

I totally get that.  It's very hard for me to imagine how I used to be.  My memories are mostly vague and feel really strange.  It feels like another person, like my life began only a few years ago.  I know that was "me"--but it wasn't, at the same time.  To some degree, I think that's normal for people, trans or not.  Especially people who have gone through major changes in their lives. 

Quote from: Inkwe Mupkins on March 05, 2012, 09:13:03 PM
I don't think your the only one however I never I had this experience. I guess I was never raised to act a certain way so I was just me and I kinda developed into the man I am. So I guess I don't have anything to grieve.
But I, like you, am no longer legally that person. I feel somewhat disconnected as well when I see my old name on stuff from middle school and early high school. Sometimes I don't even think that was me, I don't have any memories of presenting as female. Sometimes I think who is that person and why do I have they're things.

Thankfully, I was never forced to be feminine or anything either. I was always boy-ish. The only female thing about me was my hair. Just generally, the last 21 years of my life seem weird, and like someone else

I'm still the same person.  I didn't change, just the way my body looks did.

I don't think you're weird, but I have absolutely no grief about my old persona.

Kind of, but not really.  I can appreciate my "past life" now more than then and admire what that person did and how much she went through.  Since I didn't really have a supportive mother, I kind of think of her as my "mother" - sacrificing much to give me this life now.  I now have a wooden treasure chest for the items that she held dear, but no longer serve a purpose in my current life.  It also holds all old photographs of that time period.

No, I've never grieved over it; I'm glad to leave it behind. The only thing I miss is my social life. Although I was awkward and didn't know how to act like a chick, at least people respected me more than they do now as "a transsexual". At least I wasn't lonely.

Quote from: JasonRX on March 05, 2012, 09:20:15 PM
I can't relate to this much, but I'm sure others can. As for me, even before I realized that I wanted to transition out of the body that time was giving me, I felt disconnected to my name. It's like I always knew that it's not the name I should have been born with and therefore I always had some sort of disdain for it.

Same. I never associated myself with my old name... I knew that it referred to me, but felt disconnected from it as though it were just another word.

I think the felling specially is with my name, its wierd to see or hear my old name anywhere or by anyone, and im like.. ohh I totally forgot, that was my name?..

Quote from: Kyle_S on March 05, 2012, 09:10:25 PM
Thanks, Adio   I'm not sad that I've kicked a so-called girl to the curb....its just I don't feel like it was me at all anymore. Like I almost have no past. I find it weird that I'm disassociated from myself pretty much completely.

Although I'm still basically pre-everything, I do feel this way sometimes. Whenever I see something with my birth name printed on it that's supposed to represent me, I feel like my entire past  has just been smudged from existence. I actually had a very strong reaction when I saw my Social Security Card for the first time. It made me feel kinda sick, and it was actually difficult to look at (it bordered on being scary to me, the reaction was that strong). Anyway, I understand how you feel there.

I guess I miss the affection that some people had for me, people who are totally aloof now. I think this is a really interesting topic, but really I can't grieve over who I was (or appeared to be) before. I've had a rough life, and having to act like a girl was the worst of it. I felt like a failure and a liar all of the time. Sometimes I wish I could forget it completely.

Quote from: Arch on March 06, 2012, 01:00:41 AM
I don't think you're weird, but I have absolutely no grief about my old persona.

This, more or less. I've always been 'me' to an extent, somewhere in there, but for a while I was pretty disgusting, at least to myself.

Sometimes.  For example, today or tomorrow I'm getting a new license plate for my car.  Since I was born my parents have had my birth name on their license plate and they kept it for me until I turned 16 and could put it on my own car.  Now I've had it on my car for almost a decade and when my registration came up for renewal last week I told my mom I wanted to get rid of it and get generic number plates.  For me that was a hard, but necessary, decision.  We've had those plates since I was born and now they're going to go back into the system and someone else will get them.  It's kinda sad.

I find myself looking at my old high school stuff and doing the same.  I have so many sports awards and everything, but that's the old me.  It's hard realizing that in a sense I have no past.  Yes, that person is TECHNICALLY me and I did make those accomplishments, but the recognition isn't for Paul, it's for my old name.  It's complicated.

I just regret coming out as it has led to nothing positive in my life and many negative things.

I guess I am the odd man out. I don't really grieve for anything. I am the same person at the end of the day. Everyone changes a little bit every day, so I just view it as growing up a little more. Despite whatever name I am being called, whether it is my birth or chosen one still refer to the same person. But, that's just me.