So I started seeing a therapist about 3 weeks ago for my depression. I've only gone twice so far and we've spent most of the time just getting her up to speed about what my problems are. I've mentioned anxiety and sexuality issues (because I feel that sexuality is somehow a more acceptable thing to be confused about than gender).

Anyways, the last time I went she asked me to try to figure out what my goals for therapy were. I'm having a really hard time coming up with anything more than a general 'I want to get better'. The only specific thought that keeps bouncing around in my head is 'I want to go on hormones'. But I don't know if that's something I actually want or if I'm just talking myself into it because I think that's what I should want or...

I hate being this confused about things.

talking about sexuality will just confuse her so why don't you just come straight out with I think I should be a girl?

If she's been a therapist for any length of time and had some proper training she shoudl know the basics of TSism and other gender issues.

Quote from: lilacwoman on March 10, 2012, 09:36:11 AM
talking about sexuality will just confuse her so why don't you just come straight out with I think I should be a girl?

Because I don't know if I think that. It's not so clear cut a thing for me and I'm just establishing a comfort level with this person. Thus, why I said multiple times in my post that I was confused. I intend to talk to her about my gender issues in the near future, I was just saying I haven't yet and have only touched on the topic of identity so far.

Quote from: Hesitant on March 10, 2012, 09:29:38 AM
The only specific thought that keeps bouncing around in my head is 'I want to go on hormones'. But I don't know if that's something I actually want or if I'm just talking myself into it because I think that's what I should want or...

I hate being this confused about things.

Going on hormones requires a ton of forethought, introspection, and counseling first. Because once you're on hormones it's like an avalanche, it's downhill all the way and it gets bigger and unstoppable, there's no turning back. Some of my MtF girlfriends have all agreed with me saying that hormones become almost addictive. Think hard, do your homework, get counseling, and if you decide to then be sure to do it under a doctor's supervision with the proper blood workup.

Hormones in my opinion are very addictive. Most of us struggle with our gender dysphoria most of our lives and depending on your age your either just starting to experiment with the opposite gender or you've been experimenting for a long time. For me I experimented for a long time and I slowly started researching hormones on my own and after a couple years of back and fourth thoughts rolling around in my head I made a decision to just give the hormones a try black market style, and once that first trace of estrogen hit my tongue there was no going back. Just so you know I would never suggest going down the black market road for hormones, I purchased the hormone that is censored on Susan's and I had some icky side effects. I've know some Trans who take just a little of there desired hormone just to kind of ease the pain that is in there head.

I still do sometimes, but it's on a lesser scale. Going through with my transition has, in my eyes, given me the opportunity to deal with every other possible emotional issue I might have. My work in that department has really been helpful, and I've come to terms with a lot of things I didn't even think were going on. Sometimes I consider the possibility that I made up extra problems, because I didn't know how to deal with dysphoria, but honestly, I'm happier now in my life than I ever was.

And I know my transition will be a rough road in and of itself, but I'm starting hormones in less than two weeks, and I owe it to myself to say damn it, it's about time. I owe it to myself to not keep up with the doubts. I've been going to counselling off and on for almost a year now, and I've mostly handled social pressures, like how my family and society will react to my transition... And I've come to the conclusion that if it's what makes me happy, then the people who put me down for it are just mean, and don't deserve my attention. And that's all there is to it.

Sometimes we all need to do a bit of self talk to gain some courage, but that's natural. Follow your heart, and y'know, all those mushy things. Cliches exist because they're true for some people.

Yea, hormones are pretty addictive.... because... well... they make me feel pretty good (even when i feel sad).

I rushed into hormones, did the informed consent thing... and I really don't regret it at all (so far it has been a year).

I know what you mean by "talking yourself into things" though. Like when my doctors asked me for explanations of why I felt this way, I found myself trying to fit the "stereotypical trans" stories...

Really, just take your time... go with a speed YOU are comfortable with. Once you get started though, it can definitely seem like things are going kind of fast.

Hell Yes!  Which was a big part of the reason why when I first started seeing a therapist over a year ago I didn't "steer" things towards my gender issues with an agenda in mind. I knew I needed to see a therapist that had some knowledge of GD. I was there foremost because I felt my life was a total disaster and I was heading into the side of the cliff at 200 MPH. My root cause for why things were this way I felt was being somewhere along the TG spectrum, 90% TS, but spent the last 30 years saying being CD can work after 2 aborted forays into transitioning. I also knew myself well enough to know that was a real easy target to lay all blame on. Nor was I any where near impartial about any of this. In no way was any sort of transition was on my mind. Getting back to "Normal" was. Part of that normal status did also mean reversing the slow creep of self-denial that had taken place over the past 10 years. A wife, life and work took priority over my occasional need for self indulgence.

Before the therapist came finding a TG support group. While that was a life changing event for me, it was there that I was most fearful. First I was in an environment where I can easily talk myself into things seeing all that is possible, I also had a cheering section! The therapist has a habit of pointing out reality! lol I am not sure who was more worried about the group, my wife or myself. To make things even scarier was about all the regulars were at least full-time with many post-op.

My goal has been focused on becoming one whole healthy person. While I try hard not to pick "sides" one sure is clearly emerging as the happier and healthier one. Objectively looking back, in reality, I've done pretty good in my life. I am even starting to believe I actually earned the great things I achieved, even though I was faking being a guy and therefore did not earn those rewards. A lot of my self esteem is being restored. The cost to date, one faker.  The final bill is yet to be tallied

Reminds me of something I read (probably here): there is no one kind of transgender person. Sure there are similarities from person to person but everyone's needs are different and what's right for one person may not be right for another.

In some ways I feel like things are going too fast because it's very scary to be questioning something the majority of people take for granted. In other ways I feel like I'm going too slow and I need to get a move on.  All your replies are reassuring me that it's ok to take things at my own rate whether that's slow or fast. Thanks everyone.

It took me about a year and a half of exploring my gender identity before going on hormones and then committing to transition.  I went back and forth a few times during that time frame.  It's no problem to take your time about such a thing.  I think rushing into it without weighing the pros and cons, and taking a risk assessment, would be fool hardy and will invite trouble down the line.  I would expect some people to disagree with me - this is how I tend to approach things at this stage in my life.  I have a daughter to think about.   Only you know when the timing is right for you.  Think about when you know that something is just "right."  That intuitive cognitive feeling where something clicks into place, like "Oh, I'm tired." or "Oh, that girl likes me." or "Oh, that was a good movie!"  Then wait for that feeling as you explore your gender identity.  If it doesn't come after a long while, then it might not make sense for you to transition...

Quote from: Hesitant on March 11, 2012, 09:05:20 PM
Reminds me of something I read (probably here): there is no one kind of transgender person. Sure there are similarities from person to person but everyone's needs are different and what's right for one person may not be right for another.

In some ways I feel like things are going too fast because it's very scary to be questioning something the majority of people take for granted. In other ways I feel like I'm going too slow and I need to get a move on.  All your replies are reassuring me that it's ok to take things at my own rate whether that's slow or fast. Thanks everyone.