I am using my phone to post this, which is a bit of a hassle , so it will be somewhat brief. I'm Stephanie, am pre-transition and pre-hrt. I will skip most details of my past and how I have felt about being a girl but born as a boy. I will say though that I have been aware of my condition since I was 4 and between then and 9 years of age I insisted to my parents that I am a girl. I got nowhere with my persistence and so I just suffered in silence and tried to overdose on Tylenol pills when puberty hit, when my voice began to deepen. Luckily it didn't deepen very much and my Adams apple doesn't show at all. I am 33 years old now, am 5'4" tall, have very small hands and feet and have a fairly feminine looking face already. My problem areas are my teeth which I plan on getting work done on, and the growth plates just below my knee caps; they're ugly. I will commence hrt in approximately 2 months and I hope they will still be as effective as they were last time. Yes, I tried to transition before when I was 28 (had been wanting to transition since about 20 but I was scared about acceptance and lacked the know-how). I was on hrt for 4 months and could already no longer go public in male mode, as people made comments on the bus like, "look at that girl there, she's dressed as a guy, hehehe." I enjoyed that very much indeed. I should say also that to most people I have met recently, I look about 23 years old to them. When I was on hrt before people gathered about 16-17, which I also enkoyed. Anyway, the reason I stopped is because I had never been in a relationship before, and I wanted to fall in love with someone and have those feelings returned. My mother found out about my transition through my sister, who I told in confidence; I learned she has a big mouth. I was living in Calgary at the time but all of my family lives in Ontario, Canada. My mother decided to try to hook me up with a woman she met in Ontario. We actually hit it off right away and became close quickly. I found my heart torn in two directions. Would I quit transitioning for love and keep suffering inside? I tried to eat my cake and have it too, but it didn't work. I asked Davida (her name) if she would stay with me even if I stayed on hrt and kept going. Just asking her that broke her heart, as that isn't what she wanted. She wanted me just the way I was, as a man. The problem with that is that I am not a man, I only look like one for the time being. A couple of weeks later, she called my workplace, spoke with me and told me it was over while on the phone. I was devestated and could not control my emotions; I was overwhelmed with grief. Within two hours I was on a plane back to Ontario to try and salvage our relationship, which had just begun. It seemed to be what I wanted at the time, but I wanted to live as myself, a woman, more. We got back together and got married 2.5 years later. It really went downhill a few months after I married her and I became distant. Emotionally I wasn't there for her because of the sacrifice I had made. I was miserable inside, thinking I would never be able to transition and be stuck this way untill the day I die. Its complicated. I loved her, but I couldn't give her all of me because I could never really be me at all. She gave me everything she had, in every way. Things continued to worsen until she left me in the fall of 2011. I miss her love for me so badly that I have nearly lost my sanity. I have tried to win her back for the last 6 months and now I know for 100% that she will never come back, that all feelings for me that she had are dead and gone, where the wind blows. I am even crying as I type this now. However, even though my heart is broken now, after breaking hers, I am again becoming happy. I am finally free to transition and live my life how I have always wanted to. I forgot to mention that we never had children together because her tubes were clamped before we met and we never came up with the $5000 to get them removed. I wish now that I had never met her or had decided to stay in Calgary. I would be post-op by now and mostly transitioned if not entirely. Oh well. I have no family that accepts my transition, no friends who do and no support group where I live, nor do I have the ability to move for likely at least a year. So, if its okay for me to ask questions here, that's what I will do until I can get to a support group. I was so happy on the hrt the last time; I felt wonderful after the first couple of hours of taking the estrogen for the first time. I miss that more than I miss my wife. Well, that was longer than I thought it would be so I will leave it at that for now, bye for now.
