So in the beginning of october, I told my girlfriend of 4 years that I'm attracted to guys and that we can't betogether anymore.  It's been a struggle for me for my entire life, because I don't feel like a gay man, but if I'm attracted to men I must be, right?  So that what I told her, and my family, and a bunch of friends.

About two weeks later I told my ex and several friends that I am trans and that I'm going to transition.  There have been varying levels of acceptance/understanding.  I have also told my sister who has been very supportive of me and is the only one to actually ask me about the details of my transition andthe changes that will take place.  No one uses the pronouns yet or my new name.

I am out to my brother as well, and although when he is drinking he can be pretty hostile and even, at times, violent about the whole situation, he is starting to come around.  He hasn't kicked me out of his place yet, and we have gone out to the bar together with me in make-up so I think he is getting a little more comfortable with things.

And then there are my parents.  My dad has pretty much stopped talking to me AT ALL since I came out as gay and broke up with my gf.  Not that he is angry or intolerant, I think he is just uncomfortable with everything.  When growing up he thought I was weird and just ... didn't get me.  He has seen me in make-up now multiple times, just having stopped by my place to smoke with my brother.  But her hasn't brought it up at all, and he hasn't asked me about why I'm seeing a therapist or ... anything.  I'm certain now that my brother has liekly told him everything.  It's hard for him to keep things to himself.  I think he may just be waiting for me to come to him about it.  Which is ... I don't know.  I'm not scared of what he will think just ... I don't really know how to bring it up without making him uncomfortable.

My mom is a different issue.  When I first came out as gay, she kind of wigged out.  Not like, putting me down or making me feel bad about myself, she was just ... shocked.  I never expressed how I felt to anyone ever, and now at 24-25 I think she just didn't expect it.  Which is kind of weird because I was like, stupid girly growing up lol. 

Anyways, she has basically swept it under the carpet and has not spoken to me about it at all since.  She just tells me to focus on school and work.  My sister told me that shortly after coming out my mom told her to tell me to not mention anything at thanksgiving, etc.  Even though she is not an intolerant person, she is conservative and she likes to uphold this kind of "stepford" lifestyle.  When she is ashamed or embarrassed by something in her life, she just ignores the topic and pretends it doesnt exist.  She does the sae thing whenever anyone mentions my sister being abused by her ex or any topic regarding my father.

I'm scared that after I come out to her that it won't just be some topic that will be ignored, it will be me.  She will be ashamed of me and not want me in her life anymore.  And, although I've never had a very deep relationship with my mother, I love her and want her in my life.  As apposed to my father, she actually calls me and asks me how I'm doing.  I told her that I was feeling suicidal, especially after thigns with my gf ended, (mostly is has been due to my dysphoria), and she check inw ith me to make sure I'm okay.  She has never asked me why I am seeing a therapist.

I feel like I need to tell them soon.  I see my physician next week for hrt.  I don't want it to be a situation where they dont find out until I'm a B cup in a jean skirt.  I feel like it would just be "polite" to tell them sooner rather than later.  But I don't really know how to broach the subject.  I don't know how to explain it to them.  I'm scared they will never see me as their daughter and that I will just be some strange confused person to them forever.

ugh

Any advice?

First of all Hi

Your parents sound to me like they are in-denial. They are doing the 'if i ignore it, it will go away' thing. Both of my parents also did this, one of them is now very supporting the other is still acting like its a death sentence. My parents are not together by the way.

I personally tried waiting for them to start realising it was going to happen and then when nothing changed I confronted them. Once I got the ball rolling with my mum she started asking questions about it. Why I was doing it, why I needed to, was I sure it would make me happy. I tried to explain as best I could, I tried to make her realise that this was not some disastrous thing that was going to ruin my life. She has come around immensely now and is one of my biggest supporters.

My father is a different story, he is still in-denial. He has never attempted to use my proper name or the right pronouns and he has said a lot of hurtful things to me. He spent much of the time instead of trying to understand me trying to blackmail me into not doing it. Stating my grandparents ill health and apparently how I would kill them by doing it is just one example. We do not really talk anymore which is a shame...he used to be my hero.

The point is your parents are sweeping it under the carpet and my advise would be to make them confront it. Explain why you are doing it, tell them your feelings. Remember they most likely have never even thought about there own gender before so they will not understand why you wouldn't be happy with yours. You need to try to explain this too them. How they will take it is up to them you can only do so much but they have to realise whats going on. I think ultimately it would be worse for you if you didn't try to get them on board before something major changed with you.

Hope at least that helped a little, I'm not really good at this but I know a lot of other people on here are brilliant for advise so hopefully they will post too.

Well to be honest it sounds as if you are going pretty well. You are following your path, as you should and being slowly accepted. Your Dad is in denial, but he is visiting the house you live in. I would just make sure that you are you when he sees you (sorry if that sounds like a flock of sheep, too many ewes!). I would tell you Mum straight out. I would explain to her that you are not Gay. You aren't. You gender identify as female, females who like guys are regarded as heterosexual in our society.  I prefer guys and I have told my therapist quite openly that I do not regard myself as Gay. He agreed. I don't care if people are or aren't I have no prejudice over the matter. Explaining that you are TG may be more difficult but it is also honest, I don't want to belabour the point but Gay guys generally don't present as female. They generally present as male.

Telling your Mum that you are a female with the wrong body parts may in fact be more acceptable to her and to tell her that you are her daughter and need her love and support as her daughter may create more acceptance.

It may also be very good to always present as a normal female of your age group. When some of my friends had problems accepting me, I made sure they met Cindy in several life situations. They quickly realised that I was happy and content as Cindy but not as the male image of Cindy.

The road we face is not easy, but it gets smoother over time.

Hugs

Cindy

I really don't have a lot to add to what Cindy has said, other than asking your Mum if she ever wanted a daughter.  If so, you have a starting position to work from.
Big hugs Sis, it is a brave step we have to take when it's family we come out to.

Karen.