Got a message from one of my old best friends, saying that she might be getting engaged soon. She's a wonderful girl, stuck by me throughout catholic school, we drifted a bit after that but she's always come to me with personal stuff and I've always felt like I could still trust her. I told her I was trans about a year ago, and she was absolutely okay with it (while it hasn't really come up because we nearly never talk).

So yesterday she messaged me to tell me she's been with a guy for over two years now, thinks he might be 'the one' (I'm hoping she's matured a bit, because she has a long history of dating jackasses and if she marries one, I swear I'm going to strangle him). And, as might be expected, she invited me to the wedding. Said she'd love for me to be a bridesmaid, but completely understood if I couldn't handle that (I, obviously, told her "no" to that and she was fine).

So everything looks fine, really. She knows I'm trans, knows I'd probably be bringing at least one of my partners, and has always called me Nick. I'm just...ugh.

People, man. I've gotten so incredibly antisocial that just going to the grocery store during the day freaks me out. Not to mention I have no money for a suit, and if its not in town I wouldn't even be able to go (zero transportation).

Its not something I'm freaking out over night and day, its just definitely kind of...there. Niggling away, scratching at the back of my mind. I'd love to go and see her get married, it'd mean the world to her and despite the fact that we barely talk anymore she's always been like a sister to me. I just...don't wanna screw it up. I really don't want to screw it up.

Why would she want you to be the "bridesmaid" if she knows and respects the fact that you are trans? That's what makes me curious about her asking you.

Either way, I hope everything turns out okay for you and you figure things out with this situation.

I would like to point out, Goodwill is fantastic. I have seen some very nice suit/jacket-pant sets there on a few occasions, so I'm sure you could mix and match something up that would look nice and be 'suit'able (hah) for a wedding. As for the anti-social hurdle, you said it yourself, you don't want to miss it and it would mean a lot to both of you to go. So go. The only thing that matters is that you're there to support your friend. Everyone else can just shush. You can't screw up supporting a friend at a wedding, just don't, ya know, end up on youtube as that guy who broke his leg trying to break dance or something

Quote from: JasonRX on March 14, 2012, 12:49:57 PM
Why would she want you to be the "bridesmaid" if she knows and respects the fact that you are trans? That's what makes me curious about her asking you.

Either way, I hope everything turns out okay for you and you figure things out with this situation.

I had that thought myself reading it, wondering if she'd possibly forgotten (or misinterpreted it or god knows what, she's sweet as hell but kind of...clueless at times).

Stix, I hate to sound like king downer but I can't even find jeans that fit right in an actual store, the likelihood of me coming across a suit in size fatass of midget length is...about as likely as anything else unexpectedly good happening. What's acceptable to wear at a wedding nowadays, anyway? Would black jeans and a nice button up be okay, or should I actually try and find some way to buy/find/steal a suit? i'm so goddamn clueless.

I have to agree with Biscuit..goodwill is the place to go...you can probably get an entire suit for under 20 bucks...or you could ask her what is going to be the dress attire, let her know what you have that you could wear and see if she is okay with that ...and for a ride, maybe let her know that and ask her if there is someone that might be willing to carpool..good luck man

Quote from: JasonRX on March 14, 2012, 12:49:57 PM
Why would she want you to be the "bridesmaid" if she knows and respects the fact that you are trans? That's what makes me curious about her asking you.

I know what you mean but I feel like some people don't really "get" being trans and will never quite see us as the guys that we are, even if they do care about us. I think for these folks they don't understand why it's so frustrating/painful to have someone make that kind of request.

As for clothes, black jeans would be cutting it close... I would go with slacks or khakis and a button down at the minimum. Tie is a good idea too. Doesn't need to be a full on suit unless you want to. I've noticed at places like Kohls and Marshalls/TJ Maxx they have those tie/shirt combos for around $20. It's not great quality of course but it's easy since you know they'll match and then all you have to do is find pants. I'm a bigger guy too and I've had the best luck at Kohls with pants, they have a lot of waist sizes with the 29 inseam unlike most places where you can't get a 29 in anything over a 32 waist. Anyway, good luck and I hope this all turns out well for you either way. 

Quote from: lexical on March 14, 2012, 05:10:16 PM
I know what you mean but I feel like some people don't really "get" being trans and will never quite see us as the guys that we are, even if they do care about us. I think for these folks they don't understand why it's so frustrating/painful to have someone make that kind of request.

As for clothes, black jeans would be cutting it close... I would go with slacks or khakis and a button down at the minimum. Tie is a good idea too. Doesn't need to be a full on suit unless you want to. I've noticed at places like Kohls and Marshalls/TJ Maxx they have those tie/shirt combos for around $20. It's not great quality of course but it's easy since you know they'll match and then all you have to do is find pants. I'm a bigger guy too and I've had the best luck at Kohls with pants, they have a lot of waist sizes with the 29 inseam unlike most places where you can't get a 29 in anything over a 32 waist. Anyway, good luck and I hope this all turns out well for you either way. 

Oh, absolutely, I agree with you on that. Personally, at this point, if they can get it down to not call me my birth name, female pronouns or any kind of chick crap like "girlfriend" I can deal. Especially with people I don't see often.

An really? I thought Kohl's was expensive, that's excellent to know.

Quote from: N.Chaos on March 14, 2012, 08:55:19 PM
Oh, absolutely, I agree with you on that. Personally, at this point, if they can get it down to not call me my birth name, female pronouns or any kind of chick crap like "girlfriend" I can deal. Especially with people I don't see often.

An really? I thought Kohl's was expensive, that's excellent to know.

At regular price, Kohl's is expensive but they constantly have sales/discount promo codes. Here's some of those tie/shirt combos that I mentioned:

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/clearance/men/dress_apparel.jsp

looks like there's a 15% off discount code that you can enter at checkout floating around too (check retailmenot.com and search for Kohl's)

JC Penney carries good quality shirts and ties for decent prices too and they often have sale or clearance items. I'm too small for their stuff but maybe you'll have better luck.

Quote from: MalcolmAllen on March 14, 2012, 10:46:36 PM
JC Penney carries good quality shirts and ties for decent prices too and they often have sale or clearance items. I'm too small for their stuff but maybe you'll have better luck.

Good call on JC Penny, just looked at their website and they have a great selection of shirts/ties and low prices.

With some button downs they use a material called broadcloth which is thin, comfortable, and doesn't wrinkle at all. It's pretty much perfection as far as dress shirts go, lol... I recommend it highly.

i think you should get out and about more i was nearly agoraphobic for 6 months i could barely leave my house and if i saw anyone from my school i would have a panic attack.

Personally, as hard as I know it may be, I wouldn't think too much about her asking you to be a bridesmaid (especially if she said she would completely understand if you couldn't handle it) -- it's an equivalent to a groomsman, so she may have just got caught up in what the gesture means to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and wanted to extend that gesture more than ask if you would set aside everything to wear a dress for her.

I know a woman who had a cisgendered male "bridesmaid" in her wedding: he just wore a tux, though there was joking about him wearing a dress. So that's sort of what I mean by what the position and the gesture of extending an offer of the position means. The two of them were good friends and he wanted to be by her side during her wedding.

Anyways...

I agree that given how much it means to the both of you I would really recommend you go if it can at all be worked out that way. Who cares what everyone else thinks?  It's her wedding and her day, and if they can't shove it long enough for her then it's they who are screwing it up.

I also agree that you could always talk to her the closer it gets to this possible wedding and see what she is hoping for from the guests as far as attire. With the majority of weddings you can get away with a nice shirt and slacks, maybe a tie or a jacket/blazer. You don't have to go all out. If you still want a suit, however, maybe look into tailoring? From my understanding it's not supposed to be too expensive, and most guys really ought to get their suits tailored if they buy off the rack or anything like that anyways. It's not the norm for a suit to fit properly straight from the store, just be sure that it fits enough because things like excess length in the legs or the sleeves can be fixed easily enough.

If you're set on a suit still (though the other guys have offered a number of good suggestions): I read something a while ago about where to get good, cheap suits (again with the recommendation to get it tailored) and it was Target. Could be worth checking out if you go that route.

I know this is all easier said than done, so good luck with everything, Nick, and it's good that you're not stressing over this too much. Just keep in mind that you still have plenty of time to figure it all out, man.

Thanks so much, guys. I'll have to find a way out to Kohl's when I've got the money, that'd be absolutely worth checking out.

Noah, I felt pretty much the same way. Usually I'd take that kind of thing as a insult, but I guess its just different this chick.