I live about 30 miles from where I go to college.  For the most part I and my classmates never see each other outside of school because they mainly live in the college town.  I am stealth at school (with the exception of my adviser and a few (like 3) people who have been friends with me since before my transition and for the most part in my town.  There are of course a few people who live in my town, or in the town on the opposite side of mine.  I see them from time to time in my work place. 

Tonight a girl came in that I go to school with.  She was by chance with a guy who has been a long time friend of my sister's.  We said friendly hellos, and they left.  I walked to the entrance of our store to do something and saw them at the Redbox.  They said something to me, chitchat, and I noticed she kept looking at my chest.  I walked into the store and waited for them to finish then I called the guy over.  I asked him had he told the girl I go to school with about me.  He was confused so I said "that I used to be Tara's sister" he said that yes he had and I said to him "well, I go to school as a guy, no one knows I'm anything other than a guy and she needs to keep it to herself, tell her that."  The only reason I told him to tell her instead of going out there to tell her was because I was so embarrassed and furious.  What do I do?  I figured I would not be able to stay totally stealth forever especially since I live in a small ass town and go to school in the town right next to it and everyone from here and there knows at least one person in the next town.  Should I find her on facebook and tell her?  I feel such anxiety now about having to face her again in school, like I'm worried she might tell someone or something.

Hey Andy,

That's pretty tough having someone out you like that.

When I was away from work for top surgery we had a new part time employee start and one of the casual employees thought to say to the new employee "Hey, I have some MAJOR goss on Nick that could seriously and negatively effect your opinion of him...". She didn't out me, changed her mind at the last minute, I suppose she must have had a change of heart.
So this new girl approached my manager about it, who was furious to say the leas. My manager never revealed my situation, and only reassured her that it was nothing bad and if I wanted her to know I would tell her myself. I returned to work and spoke to the new girl, and I told her I was transgendered and was off having surgery. She was completely fine, and showed great interest and support and has done so 12 months on.

Why I'm saying this is you never know what people may say or think. They could be completely horrible, gossip about you or say some bigotry idiotic comments, or they may show great interest and support. I've even come across people who's reactions are "So? What's the big deal, it's your life you can be whoever you want." and that's the end of it, never brought up again.

I reckon you try not to worry about her knowing and whether or not she tells anyone, just keep on going about your business like normal. I wouldn't bother approaching her on facebook, I've been there and it was not worth it. This girl I didn't even know outed me to a room full of more people I didn't even know at a close friend's 21st. It ended very very badly. Easiest thing to do is just turn the other cheek. I know it's going to be hard, and going to college every day you're probably going to be anxious that everyone knows about you, but try to think that the chance is that they probably don't, and with any luck they don't care.

Keep your chin up and stay strong, anyone who thinks people like us have a problem are the ones with the problem, remember that!

won't facebook broadcast it to everyone?

the direct apporach would be best.

Quote from: lilacwoman on March 15, 2012, 05:40:09 AM
won't facebook broadcast it to everyone?

the direct apporach would be best.

No, you can private message people on facebook.

That's really tough, Andy.  You know I live in a similar situation.  Small town, went to school the next town over.  I was always worried that someone might have known me, or knew someone who might have known me.

Personally, I wouldn't have even talked to that guy.  But that's just me.  I wouldn't facebook her or go out of my way to contact her about it.  Acting cool, like it doesn't matter, may help the situation more than panicking and contacting her to keep things a secret.  Embarrassing, panicking secrets?  Prime gossip material.

She may or may not tell someone.  Like the woman in nicks story, she might have a change of heart (if she even thinks to tell someone at all).  Or she may not think it's her business to tell.  But there's always the possibility she will.  In that case...I'm not exactly sure what to tell you.  I don't know what I'd do myself.  I suppose it would depend on the situation--who she told, what their reaction was, etc.

When you are stealth and people that you came out to or know you from before, live in the same area as you, there will always be a risk of it spreading. The best way to really live stealth is moving to a place where nobody knows you and starting fresh. At this point, there's nothing you can really do but just hope she doesn't go opening her mouth. Sorry.

Oh man, Andy, Im really sorry to hear that. I really am.
Im always worried everytime I go back to see my family, in the town and city I grew up in, that Im gonna be recognized, and people start gossiping.

I actually think it was good of you to call over that guy and talk to him. Hes probably thinking "->-bleeped-<-, I shouldnt have done that". Why on Earth he felt  it was his place to say, I dont know.
I know from what I and others are saying, you are getting conflicting opinions on what to do, overall it is up to you, what you feel is right for your situation. But I think maybe you should speak to her. Maybe not over facebook, she may respect you talking to her directly. Is she someone who you feel is a nice enough person? i.e not a gossip/bitch...? Because maybe you could just speak to her privately, casually and calming and just be like, yeah, what he said is true, brief explanation, bla bla bla, but youre just Andy now, nothing else so youre asking her not to go round telling others.
Like others have said, its best not to panic, or show your panic. Despite how much it must be raging inside you!

I hope all goes well for you mate, I really do.

Good luck Andy. That sounds stressful. I'm not stealth but I'm not particularly openly trans either, and it annoys the hell out of me to get outed for the sake of gossip.