I've been James for so long... he's been a good big brother to my female identity.  He's sheltered her and shielded her... the world's never ever seen her.... all they've ever seen is him... and she just wants to come out so bad and just for GOds sake live her effing life.  I mean all she wants to do is just get out of this body and be who she is... she's not asking for the moon and the stars.

Her big brother (me) had to plan this operation to exorcise her out of my face...

There's a duality existing inside of me.  I live for her, not me.  I'm just a temporary image.  I'm just her big brother.

i feel like this is the best way to explain psychologically what I've had to do to my brain to survive.... I had to keep her inside, and I couldn't let her out....

I'm a guy, a man, that has a sister and she's inside of me, and I love her. 

She's my baby, my pride and joy, and I can't let anybody hurt her.  I don't want anyone saying anything to her... She's all I have because the shell I'm in is nothing -  its a robotic body that breathes for her, that lives for her, whose soul purpose is to get through another goddamn day so she can one day live her life.

I don't know if I've ever loved anybody but her... because she needed so much love I could never give it to anybody else.

despite how much I hate him and how much i hate his face, James has done all he could, he was very strong, he never gave up, he keep on fighting and fighting.... i just hope this operation is miraculous enough to let him begin to die.... and to give her for the first time a chance at living....

I think you should see a psychiatrist. This could indicate severe dissociative identity disorder.

Quote from: x zOeY x on March 17, 2012, 05:08:52 PM
I think you should see a psychiatrist. This could indicate severe dissociative identity disorder.

I agree with getting help, but not necessarily from a psychiatrist, and I don't think the scenario described is all that alarming for a transgendered person. Out of enormous pressure often comes dramatic ways of coping. Treating the gender issues would probably do a lot more good than approaching this as a psychiatric problem.

I had always thought of my feminine side as another person also.. but she and the male side weren't the only ones around I even named them and they would talk to eachother! (Ok, that sounds crazy... but I knew it wasn't real or anything, simply an easy way to visualize and consider my different aspects thoughts on subjects... kind of like considering things from different viewpoints?). At different times, different sides would be dominant (and they were aware of eachother, and would discuss eachothers wants).

Just for fun, here is how I had things sorted out for a long time (mmm 10ish years).




Daniel (my real name) was the overall person that was the collection of different personalities (who most people know).
...................

Len (male) - Calculating, smart, emotionless. When it debating subjects or needing to solve issues... Len would choose the correct answer in a cold and efficient manner. This is the strongest personality which would balance out the wants of the others.

GD (male) - (short for guardian), the strong one with a very clear moral obligation. He would always choose what was "right", regardless of everything else. He was the one that would protect the weaker personalities.

(Male) - I forget what I called this one, but it was my violent side. When it came to feelings of just raw testosterone... pushing through physical challenges... wanting to fight or hurt someone... he was the one. Pretty much rage. It was rare this one would really be around...


Selva (female) - This was my bubbly hyper female personality. She liked to have fun and joke around and was the real troublemaker. She was the 2nd strongest personality (after Len). Typically her wants would be indulged online where nothing she did would really affect the overall life of Daniel.

(female) - I forgot this ones name also. She was the shy and lonely and sad side. Very weak, she was where GD game in most often.



Yeaa... sounds pretty crazy... but i felt rather "divided" for a very long time (I guess that comes with splitting your life into a "male" life and a "female" one for so long?). Actually, after I started hormones, much of this went away...  I feel much less "split" so drastically.  ((and again, I knew they weren't real! Just was a good way for me to think about things to put my thoughts in order)).

I think calling this a dissociative disorder is too harsh.

Sysm, I empathyze with the struggle you have been through and I hope all goes well for you so you can be free. You deserve it.

I murdered that other person. they are dead and i am glad.  They were never my friend. You ask how i did it well i stuck them with needles until they died a hormonal death.   Ok my confession is over. Call the police  i am a killer.    Oh i also cut their testes off too but i had help with a dr spector who had shakey hands so i did most of the cutting. Yes that nasty person is gone and i am happy i did it and i would do it again.    

In many cases, stress can have a dissasociative effect to it, whether that's at the clinical level, or just being a little spaced because you have a lot on your mind. I think it would only actually be clinical if you actually forgot the reality of what's going on.

Back when I first started coming out, in my mind, it was much like I was a method actor playing a very intense and emotionally draining role. I remembered my objectives, my personal history, my mannerisms, and I utilized them all to sustain a character, a shell of what my male presentation was. It left my feminine expression cold and robotic; she wanted to be creative and loving and supportive to all those around her, but no one knew her name or how to approach her.

Now, I actually still have like 1.5 versions of myself, there's Alison, the me that lives day to day, and Erika, the me that goes into my creative projects. But I mean, it's my first and middle names, so yeah

I understand what you're feeling, thanks for sharing this with us! I thought your post was beautiful. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: x zOeY x on March 17, 2012, 05:08:52 PM
I think you should see a psychiatrist. This could indicate severe dissociative identity disorder.

There is debate as to whether or not this disorder is even real, so yeah.

I feel like this still sometimes.

So there is:
Me: Tazia (Thomas) More prominent; she's humourous, entertaining, a little skewed/different, but all around balanced and enjoyable.

Terra: Insanely angry and strong, like she actually pushes my body to the limit, to the point where it takes six full grown people to hold her down. She is also the only persona that can change and disassociate memories; able to invade without my recognition . Terrifying apparently; vulgar screaming curse words and such, hate filled, and bitter.

Sam: Is mild mannered and extremely understanding of people. Sam would relate to the "Guardian" role quite well.

Gloomy: She is as the name describes; although she actually smiles all the time  "You can't let anyone take your smile; if they get that you have nothing left." is what she said to me. She's also very fast, and can actually fight and play the piano.

Edie: He's eccentric to put it lightly, impulsive, glamorous, and incredibly feminine.

Each has a voice, and each has a form in my mind. I meet them sometimes in my dreams and we chat and talk about what we've seen.
I'm not all /that/ crazy though, I mean I have ultimate control usually when it comes to them (except with Terra).
I used to depend on them to keep me alive, since I hated leaving my room for any reason, I actually started to forget things.
Sometimes I would snap back to reality and be in a completely different place than I remember. I got pretty bad actually.

Memory Lapses, and such aren't very cool.

Quote from: Tazia of the Omineca on March 17, 2012, 07:04:02 PM
I feel like this still sometimes.

Each has a voice, and each has a form in my mind.

~gasp!~ Hmmm, this is interesting... I thought I was the only one with this level of crazy Or maybe most people just don't admit to it? haha

Quote from: Rabbit on March 17, 2012, 07:10:39 PM
~gasp!~ Hmmm, this is interesting... I thought I was the only one with this level of crazy Or maybe most people just don't admit to it? haha

No! I'm just as crazy as the next person sitting beside me... I don't think there is anyone beside me.

Oh well, yeah they have form, and consciousness.

Let's keep the snark and judgments out of this thread, please. We all have coping mechanisms, and trans folks tend to have to get creative in order to survive. And the general public thinks we're crazy because we're trans, not because of our elaborate coping mechanisms.

I strongly suggest that some of you rethink your posts.

A number of responses have been removed by me and another moderator. So I am modifying this post to a personal observation and a general caveat.

Personally, I find nothing unusual about Sysm29's way of coping. I suspect that many others do something similar. I used to go inside my head to other places and live whole lives as another person. Three people, in fact. This strategy worked well for me and kept me alive for forty years. It's a damn sight better than suicide, and I felt loved and cared for by the other people in my mind. That's a lot more support than I've been seeing in this thread from some people. So I'll say it again: (paraphrase): Anyone who is disturbed by someone else's coping mechanisms is free to ignore the thread and the members posting about said mechanisms.

I locked this thread temporarily and am now unlocking it again.

"There's a duality existing inside of me.  I live for her, not me.  I'm just a temporary image.  I'm just her big brother."

I totally get feeling like this. People have different coping strategies and this works for you. I have a similar feeling about my female side vs. my male side.

 I, too, created pieces of myself. I used made-up people as metaphors for different aspects of my persona - such as one that represented my maleness, darkness, and anger, and one that was representative of my light, happiness, and femaleness.

I created others, for sure. Like one representing the male facade I used until I could transition. However, ultimately I realized that all of them were just pieces of myself, and eventually... I accepted that my light was me just as much as my darkness was. The facade was me as much as any other part of me -

I am everything I have ever done, said, or thought of.

With that idea, and the help of hormones, I was able to being harmony to myself. It's very fun and dramatic to think of ourselves as being more than one person... or many fragments of one person... but in the end, we are everything that we have ever made, for better or worse.

I can somewhat understand and relate to some of the analogies and perspectives given here    Nearly everyone has a variety of facets to their individual personalities

While my feminine aspects tend to be more responsible, reasonable, kind, loving and emotional and a generally happier and more socially outgoing person... My male aspects tend to be more the brooding, strong silent and protective type and are often lurking and can be called up when necessary

I tend to like the feminine aspects to my personality     She's more fun and likes to enjoy life... But I have been attacked on occasion and it is also good to know that I can call upon the 'big brother' inside me

 This is an interesting thread, but people may find it difficult. In Australia our gender therapists are psychiatrists, at in Adelaide.  He is a very incisive person and has explored the duality of how I have managed to stay sane and cope with the rather difficult life that I have had so far. I think it far that he accepts that I am 'normal, and whatever mechanisms I have used to keep myself  together have worked. So we should not get concerned about how we cope, unless it is leading to self harm.

I think is some ways we are the great actors of life. We know who we are but cannot always be that person, but we can convince many people who we are not. I think that I am now transferring that ability to being Cindy, and I am being convincing to people that I am Cindy, even if there issues that suggest that I have male features, such as my voice.

Cindy

I survived in more or less the same way, and in my case it really was a disassociation disorder but it was caused by a combination of being a girl inside, some traumatic experiences and autism causing a overload that shattered my mind, creating many fragments and never really developing any like a real personality.

Only when I was finally treated for autism did I began to build a personality and only then did I realize that I was a girl. It's not that "I" didn't know, fragments had known forever, but there is a huge difference beween knowing something and realizing it's the whole truth? When I wanted to explain this to my autism therapist I gave my female side the name "Alice" and everything else (that wasn't integrated) "Alex"? It was clear from the start that Alice was the most functional personality, Alex wasn't integrated, just fragments that might or could have been? Along the way, Alex started to fade and dissolve, and all these fragments became absorbed by Alice, or... me.

Hi Juliana,

What an interesting topic. I think you are very normal, in your understanding and remediation of the matter.

In fact, I'd be inclined to push the envelope further by saying that the vast majority of us have used that method in some way, shape or form, in order to to put some sort of rationality to an otherwise perceived, potentially major psychological problem with fears of remediation taking the form of major long term treatment/sedation or institutional incarceration.

I have know for in excess of 40 years (Orrr!! come on. A girl has the prerogative to try and claw back some of her youth hasn't she?) I have had two persona's. One distinctly male, that had a name and a physical identity, the other, extremely obviously feminine. Regrettably, denial refused her a name and proper identity and status. Her only outlet was under dresssing and at times cross dressing in public.

It's really only been in the last 5 years I have validated and affirmed her presence and identity by giving her, her proper name and giving her, her rightful status. I have been absolutely amazed at the transformation in that time, of the emergence of this absolutely wonderful woman, Catherine.

There is no shadow of doubt, that the male protective persona is nothing but an actor, playing a male charade in order to survive, under the circumstances.

In hindsight, a local church that once accepted my masculine alter ego had a programme of Christian maturity that was based on DID (Disassociated Identity Disorder). I was identified as a candidate for more aggressive "treatment." In fact, during one of the many sessions, they nearly 'cracked' the code. If they had of tweaked the the session to a more gender identity base, they would have found the young girl, Catherine. For a fact, I know during those session of looking for the 'little' lost person 'in there', if they had of simply said, "Can you see her, instead of "him"", Catherine would have squealed in delight. For what I saw in those sessions was certainly a persona, lost in a fog. That was Catherine. And if they'd chosen the correct gender, I know they would have been given the whole '9 yards' of who I was.

Funny though, now that programme is no longer relevant or 'trendy', when I discussed my gender realignment with that Pastor, well all of a sudden 'things' were no longer right. Repentance and exorcism were the only options available. So Catherine took up her tithe's and moved on.

Thanks Juliana, for such a good point. I hope your upcoming remedial actions bear profound fruit for Juliana. She deserves every bit of it. And James needs to be affirmed and thanked for the amazing work he has done in protecting Juliana. We will no doubt be seeing less of him as time progresses, but the extraordinary work he has done , needs to be validated, in order for Juliana to ascend to her proper and rightful place.

Keep in touch and let us know how things are moving forward in this regard.
Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine