So this is my first post and I hope this is the right board. I was content to remain a lurker for now, but the following kinda forced me to post because I have no clue what to do.

Anyway, quick backstory... I've felt I was born in the wrong body since I was 8. I had known I was different before that, but didn't realize what it was until then. I went through a decade of depression and several suicidal nights and one attempt (those are long gone, thankfully) because I was unable to cope with things. I'm now 22, mostly straightened myself out and I'm ready to begin my real life. Standard fare from what I have read and heard, although not nearly as hard as some have had it

Anyway, I just accepted a job across the country and I had hoped to come out to my family, explain everything and let them know I was going to seek therapy and possibly begin transitioning, before I left. Then... tonight's dinner happened.

We were eating pizza and my sister had turned on Medium. Someone pointed out that it stars Patricia Arquette. This then turned the conversation toward that family and eventually my mom pointed out that they had a transsexual brother (not entirely true, but close enough for this). My dad lost it. He started ranting on how transsexuals are immoral and that they 'should be happy with the bodies they were born with.' At one point in the rant, he rather bluntly said that those 'queers should do the world and gene pool a favor and jump off a cliff.' My sister, who is 15, said 'they're freaky' and that she 'hopes they stay away from her.' My mom stayed silent.

My dad is a very... adamant man. He believes what he believes and he will preach and yell until you do as well. He has violent tendencies, though not towards people. He'll get angry and destroy things. I saw him tackle my brother once to teach him a lesson, but that is the only time I know of him actually hurting anyone. He just... likes slamming doors, throwing things, smashing things. Making sure you know how he feels.

I don't know what to do, obviously. I'll be leaving as soon as I am done doing physical therapy (surgery to repair a torn tendon in my pinky). He and I have never been on the best of terms. I had hoped to tell them before I left and give them time to comprehend everything but now... if I do that, he'll rant and rave for weeks. My sister is incredibly impressionable and if he does that... I can almost guarantee I'll lose her.

I'm completely lost right now. My plans are out the window and I just... am having difficulty keeping it together. Does anyone have any advice?



(side note: I thought he would be fine with it. Most people have guessed I'm not heterosexual and at one point he came and asked that if I was homosexual, that I just get it over with and 'admit it'. I told him I wasn't and I didn't lie, I'm asexual, something else I had hoped to reveal)

Take the job and figure out you first.  Then the time will come for you to explain things to the family.

Yes there is no hurry to come out. I know you want to have it sorted before your new beginning. But you can go and do it when you get there.

It may be safer for you to do it long distance.  It actually sounds like your mum knows something. You might consider talking just to her before you go.

Quote from: nicole99 on April 02, 2012, 08:36:14 PM
Yes there is no hurry to come out. I know you want to have it sorted before your new beginning. But you can go and do it when you get there.

It may be safer for you to do it long distance.  It actually sounds like your mum knows something. You might consider talking just to her before you go.

My mom may have some inkling of an idea. She's the only one who knows I was depressed and they tried treating me as a manic depressive (hooray for good genetics). That didn't work, obviously, and she's been trying to figure out since then (4 years ago) what was wrong. Maybe she did put two and two together.

I had just figured telling them face-to-face was the more respectable thing and that I could more easily answer any questions they had. Now, though, I think that's ruled out. Maybe seeking therapy after I move before telling them is the right thing to do here.

I'd agree - taking the job and keeping the peace is the smartest option at this point imho. If you tell him whilst he's in this mood, with the heat of his argument still burning away in his chest you risk rekindling it and causing the impressions on your sister that you fear.

I'd suggest going away and gradually dropping subtle hints about your changes - i.e. sending photos of you with different hairstyles, gradually becoming more feminine, until either he works out the truth, or after a period of time you tell him. If he works it out on his own, he'll be pleased with himself and more suceptible to your changes. Or if you tell him, then you'll have relieved him of his procrastination and hopefully he'll feel pleased that you've decided to involve him in this momentous part of your life and again been more positive about the whole thing

Either way, let us know how it goes on and my very best wishes on the perfect outcome
X

Quite the delima Josh!

as others have suggested it would be best to put time and space between all the parties involved, people that burst into rage like that without reasoning or with even a bit of fair thinking are near to impossible to deal with on sensitive issues...I was married to someone like that a long time ago, there were more than a few times I plotted my demise on the drive home from work, thankfully I escaped and now things are better than I could have ever imagined.

Have hope my friend!!   you are young, take your time and check in often with your new family here at Susan's Place

I only got to the third paragraph... but no more had to be said to know where this is going. I'm so sorry that has happened... if it's any consolation, I used to work in my uncle's tat shop and he.. well, he's got issues. He's kind of from a biker background, so I guess he thinks it's cool to make fun of trans people and other "freaks". God, the things I had to endure in that job, the things he said -- and putting on a fake smile, pretending that it was funny. That isn't the only time a family member has said something rather mean either. Before I figured out I was trans, my stepfather... who I think is actually a good man, slipped out one night while I was hanging out with him. He said something that wasn't really nice at all, and I won't repeat it as I'm sure you can figure it out. On the other hand, a LOT of my family (on my mom's side) still seems to like me. Granted, it's probably odd for them to see such a radical change in me... and I think that uneasy feeling affects me too. It's a weird situation. But at least I still have their love... I hope. :/

Anyway... what you went through is really tough, and I haven't exactly been in that situation yet, but I do know how it kind of feels. It sucks... I think what I would do is just leave. Go far away, somewhere. Start fresh. You have to think about whether or not you think your family can change their opinion if they knew. If not, I don't think you'll benefit from staying there. Unless, of course, they're supporting you -- in which case, it might be difficult to just up and leave.

If you can support yourself on your own, in some way, I suggest you take that as a way out of your misery.

Josh, what sense is there in beating your head against the wall.  Don't seek acceptance where none can be given.

Hello Joey,

There are some people who are close minded and inflexible in their thinking.  From what you've said about your father, it seems as though he may be one of them, and your sister may have followed in his footsteps.

The safest option for you would be to move out, be financially independent, and as other have said, start afresh away from your family.  Sort out what you really want to do with yourself before you have it out with them - any encounter regarding an alternate lifestyle with them is going to be messy so make sure you're certain about what you want to do beforehand.

Acceptance may be hard to come by, but at least you might get grudging respect if you tell them your intentions and follow through successfully.

Move.







and don't look back.

Quote from: Bexi on April 02, 2012, 08:45:33 PM
I'd suggest going away and gradually dropping subtle hints about your changes - i.e. sending photos of you with different hairstyles, gradually becoming more feminine, until either he works out the truth, or after a period of time you tell him. If he works it out on his own, he'll be pleased with himself and more suceptible to your changes. Or if you tell him, then you'll have relieved him of his procrastination and hopefully he'll feel pleased that you've decided to involve him in this momentous part of your life and again been more positive about the whole thing

My dad is an intelligent man (self-taught robotics/hydraulics engineer and one of the most respected testing equipment specialists in the world), albeit an insensitive one. He wouldn't be proud of himself for coming up with it on his own. He'd be upset I kept something like that from him. It's one of the reasons I wanted to come out before I left.

I'm also worried about the fact that he considers me his success. I inherited his abilities to learn and teach myself, and my brother and sister have always seemed to be on a lower tier in his eyes.

Quote from: Michelle G on April 02, 2012, 09:15:19 PM
as others have suggested it would be best to put time and space between all the parties involved, people that burst into rage like that without reasoning or with even a bit of fair thinking are near to impossible to deal with on sensitive issues...I was married to someone like that a long time ago, there were more than a few times I plotted my demise on the drive home from work, thankfully I escaped and now things are better than I could have ever imagined.

Yeah, I think you all are right. It's just not a good idea. Also, glad to hear you got out of such a situation. It's not worth being miserable (<-- a girl posted that statement on Facebook about six months ago and that's what has pushed me to work on becoming who I was meant to be and already am on the inside)

Quote from: The Passage on April 03, 2012, 12:07:21 AM
Anyway... what you went through is really tough, and I haven't exactly been in that situation yet, but I do know how it kind of feels. It sucks... I think what I would do is just leave. Go far away, somewhere. Start fresh. You have to think about whether or not you think your family can change their opinion if they knew. If not, I don't think you'll benefit from staying there. Unless, of course, they're supporting you -- in which case, it might be difficult to just up and leave.

I'm living free in their basement for the time being (until my hand heals). I've already accepted the job and will be moving out as soon as possible. I accepted the job nearly two months ago and was really excited, mainly because it would get me away from my father at long last.

Quote from: Jamie D on April 03, 2012, 01:21:32 AM
Josh, what sense is there in beating your head against the wall.  Don't seek acceptance where none can be given.

No matter what I or they do, they will always be my family. They may be insensitive and it may be dangerous to tell them, but they still deserve to be told. Just... maybe not right at this moment, you know?

Quote from: luna nyan on April 03, 2012, 10:59:30 AM
Hello Joey,

There are some people who are close minded and inflexible in their thinking.  From what you've said about your father, it seems as though he may be one of them, and your sister may have followed in his footsteps.

The safest option for you would be to move out, be financially independent, and as other have said, start afresh away from your family.  Sort out what you really want to do with yourself before you have it out with them - any encounter regarding an alternate lifestyle with them is going to be messy so make sure you're certain about what you want to do beforehand.

Acceptance may be hard to come by, but at least you might get grudging respect if you tell them your intentions and follow through successfully.

First off... Josh, not Joey. Or Jessica, I suppose. That was what my mom says I would have been named if I were a girl, so I've adopted it for myself.

Regardless, it would seem that the consensus is exactly what you suggested. Move, find myself and figure everything out, and then talk with them.

Quote from: tekla on April 03, 2012, 11:34:16 AM
Move.







and don't look back.

Family is family, no matter what. As someone who has a incredibly difficult time connecting with men and the inability to prove to women that I just want to be friends and not get in their pants, family is just about all I have now, save a handful of long-time friends.

---

Anyway, thank you everyone. I really do appreciate the responses and I think I will move and figure myself out further before I reveal who I truly am to my family. It just seems like the safer option at this point. I'm glad found this site. Even before my first post, it had been a great help and was giving me hope for my future.

Family is family, no matter what.

That's flexible.  At any rate you can't always follow them, sometimes you have to go off and see who is willing to follow you a bit.  You can't always run to them, you need to see who will run to you.

Quote from: tekla on April 03, 2012, 01:01:50 PM
Family is family, no matter what.

That's flexible.  At any rate you can't always follow them, sometimes you have to go off and see who is willing to follow you a bit.  You can't always run to them, you need to see who will run to you.

That's not quite what I meant. Just that they are my family and always will be. I can't just abandon them when I move

Quote from: JoshForNow on April 03, 2012, 12:47:50 PM
Anyway, thank you everyone. I really do appreciate the responses and I think I will move and figure myself out further before I reveal who I truly am to my family. It just seems like the safer option at this point. I'm glad found this site. Even before my first post, it had been a great help and was giving me hope for my future.

Hi Jessica,

First off, really touching story. I feel like I'm late to the party saying this because it seems that you've figured it all out. Taking the time to figure yourself out though and getting as many answers as possible seems like a fantastic idea so I wish you the best of luck!

As an aside though, living up to others' expectations of you is all well and good, but only if you are already living up to your own expectations for yourself. Sometimes some people just need space and time to come to terms with things like this

Quote from: JoshForNow on April 03, 2012, 01:13:19 PM
That's not quite what I meant. Just that they are my family and always will be. I can't just abandon them when I move

Sorry about the name, typing early in the morning with insomnia does that!

Family is family, you can't pick it.  You may not necessarily abandon them, but they may choose to give you the cold shoulder - please be ready for that possibility.  Time will generally heal things with family, but it will take patience on your part.

Quote from: JoshForNow on April 02, 2012, 08:09:29 PM
My dad lost it. He started ranting on how transsexuals are immoral and that they 'should be happy with the bodies they were born with.' At one point in the rant, he rather bluntly said that those 'queers should do the world and gene pool a favor and jump off a cliff.' My sister, who is 15, said 'they're freaky' and that she 'hopes they stay away from her.' My mom stayed silent.

Wow! the victorian bigot is alive and well.

Quote from: luna nyan on April 03, 2012, 01:41:36 PM
Sorry about the name, typing early in the morning with insomnia does that!

No worries. It's understandable

Quote from: luna nyan on April 03, 2012, 01:41:36 PM
Family is family, you can't pick it.  You may not necessarily abandon them, but they may choose to give you the cold shoulder - please be ready for that possibility.  Time will generally heal things with family, but it will take patience on your part.

I know that. It's why I haven't said anything yet. It just won't be me severing the ties. If they do it... well, that's life. But I won't stop speaking to them over the way they react unless that is what they want

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on April 03, 2012, 04:43:07 PM
Wow! the victorian bigot is alive and well.

I suppose that is one way to put it.

Quote from: Alexis on April 03, 2012, 01:38:05 PM
Hi Jessica,

First off, really touching story. I feel like I'm late to the party saying this because it seems that you've figured it all out. Taking the time to figure yourself out though and getting as many answers as possible seems like a fantastic idea so I wish you the best of luck!

As an aside though, living up to others' expectations of you is all well and good, but only if you are already living up to your own expectations for yourself. Sometimes some people just need space and time to come to terms with things like this

I've never been real big on impressing others. I'm incredibly introverted and it has never really hurt me when someone thought of me negatively or I didn't do as some had wanted. When I said I worried about the way my dad perceives my siblings and myself, I was more concerned with how he would react to one of his children not being what he thought, but I don't really care how he sees me.

Also... that's the first time someone has ever referred to me as Jessica. I've only told person all this and never told her that name. That felt good. Thank you for that.