A few months ago I met a T-woman and find myself in a intimate relationship with this amazing person.  I've always thought of myself as a heterosexual woman but now I'm not clear on my own identity.  She is in her early 50's and i'm in my late 40's, both of us are in the process of ending long term marriages (already in process before me met.) I hope to communicate with others that have had similar experiences.

First, on orientation labels: Does it really matter if a relationship is gay or straight, if you are attracted?  I'd say to let your heart decide who it is attracted to.  The brain causes all sorts of trouble when it tells the heart no!

Second - if you are in "process" of ending long term marriages, hopefully that process has got to the point where the spouses all know that there is no possibility of reconciliation and you are going to be looking for new people in your lives.  Anything else is problems - too many people say that they are going to file the paperwork but never actually do.  And if you are going to, it's fair to your spouse to know where you stand - that things are over.

Third, if the person you are dating identifies as a woman, you are dating a woman, at least if she's like most people who have transitioned or are transitioning that I've known.  Anything else would be seen as an insult to most.

I'm in a straight marriage with someone who didn't always have the right letters on her IDs.  For the most part, it's no different than a relationship with any other woman.

I just wish that those words were being written about me!

Not long after I started transition a therapist said to me, "you fall in love with a person, not a gender."
As it is almost impossible to nail down a definition of "woman" or "man" that has no exceptions, I have come to the conclusion that there are 7 billion genders, and 7 billion sexualities in the world.
We are all unique, and it is a matter of finding someone who loves us, and who we are compatible with. 
Cherish each other, and be happy.

Karen.

When I talk with other Significant Others of trans people, one of the things that we share that happens is that our partners' issues with gender sometimes bring up our own gender issues (or as in your case, sexual attraction questions). So it's normal for you to ask yourself, "what does this mean for me"?

Our partners are very definitely WOMEN (perhaps more so than us, because they've had to fight for what we take for granted) and so in the eyes of the world we ARE "two women together". However you don't have to take on any particular label, you can just be "the woman who loves Whatsername very much." Take deep breaths! (I've been writing that a lot tonight.)

In my case (with my partner's support) I am going to present as a bit more genderqueer than I previously did, because we want to play with butch/femme energy, but if that doesn't work we'll try something else...it seems like there's a new development pretty much every month.

Glad you posted. Wishing the two of you much happiness together!

oxox - Maddie

Maddie your response has been so helpful.  Exactly what you say has happened for me, I question my own sexual identity, not in a negative way but its a stunning realization.  As of right now I have no interest in exploring with other people but if I wasn't dating my girl I would be exploring the possibility of dating other females.  I've had this curiosity for a long time now.  I found myself watching lesbian movies on netflix long before I met her.  If I would describe myself I would say I'm a very open minded person but I'm beginning to wonder how well I've stifled my own sexuality?  I come from a family of 4 girls, one of which is lesbian and she's sure that my girlfriend won't take me serious since I'm "straight."  That really irritates me!!!!!

And the one thing that really gets me is when my close friends/family find out I'm dating a t-woman they are sure its her masculine energy I'm attracted to.  OMG, they are so wrong.  It's funny how people are so sure that a transgender is their born gender with a few sexual physical changes.  I know that is the furthest from the truth.   She is post op for 2 1/2 years and if she didn't tell me she was trans I would have never been able to tell.

I do notice that when she is safe/intimate she is very feminine but when challenges arise or stressful situations she will come from a more aggressive masculine place.  I don't mind, I love all the facets she displays because that's what makes her so amazing.

Your story is very inspiring! The published books are full of "sad" partner stories, but there are happy stories too, like yours and mine. It would be fun to get some of the positive aspects out there as well and I'm glad we can do that here on Susan's forum.

In my partner's case, she has always felt totally female to me (I didn't "know" either until she told me), but she has NOT had decades of female socialization to fight against. (To be fair, with GID she has gone through A LOT WORSE trauma than being told she couldn't do something because she was a girl...but it's a different kind of trauma.) Being with a womanly woman who was never told to shut up or be weak or any of that feels very refreshing. She is an athlete and a femme who makes sure her colors match (even for sports) and her makeup is perfect at all times. Or as she says, "I'm a femme who'll kick your ass!" When she's not actually dysphoric she feels like she's bubbling with joy - because she made it, she's alive, she's worked hard to get where she is and is determined to enjoy it. So that joy is one of the things that makes our trans partners so worth cherishing.

Ooops, I ran on ... Best from

Maddie

Hello I am in the same boat as you are. I recently married a MTF and She's the most wonderful person on earth. We have been lucky not to counter many struggles yet but are very prepared if they may come about. She isn't living full time yet but when it comes to that I will love her even more. I encourage her on an everyday basis and assure her that life will be ok. I'd have to say transgender people are amazing and so sweet and pure.  For all of you MTF or FTM all I have to say is have faith in god never give up hope there is somebody out there for you that will love and support you in every way just like I do to her.

What inspiring stories! I hope I meet someone like that some day.

I s'pose I am rather the opposite of many here. I did not find out my wife was trans until we had been married 11 yrs and had 4 kids together. i did and still do question my own sexual identity. When asked I say I am gay by circumstance. If they can't figure it out then its on them

Quote from: Judes on January 13, 2012, 07:10:09 PM
I do notice that when she is safe/intimate she is very feminine but when challenges arise or stressful situations she will come from a more aggressive masculine place.  I don't mind, I love all the facets she displays because that's what makes her so amazing.

Is she consciously calling up old thought patterns, or is it just an automatic reaction?

I have noticed myself tending towards this if I see another woman being treated less than respectfully.  As a fairly radical Feminist now, I will consciously use whatever tool is at hand to fight misogyny.  If people see me as just a typical angry dyke in such circumstances I don't mind in the least.

Karen.

I too, identify as a straight female but I have met an incredible women who happens to have been born with male parts. She is in her late 50's and I am in my early 40's. I feel truly blessed that we found each other. The fact that she is transgender isn't even an issue for us. I love and respect her more then I ever did my ex husband. We are coming up on our one year anniversary. I think labels are overrated. I guess if being with her makes me a lesbian than so be it.....I could care less what the world thinks.  Enjoy what you have with the person you have it with.