Hello everyone,

I've been lurking on this forum for a little bit, not all that long as this is something that I have always kept to myself.  It is comforting to know that there are others out there and that I'm not alone in this.

This is actually very difficult for me - even with a completely anonymous username and I did create a completely new (hotmail) email address.   This is also a very big step as I haven't even hinted this to anyone, this always just stays in my head and it goes no further.

My name is Melissa (yes my real name) and I am a transsexual - I think I did that right?  I have known since day one that I'm not a girl despite being trapped in the body of one.

My story - I guess I need to type this out for others to read as much as I need to type this out so that it goes further then my own head for a change.

Since an age that I can't remember, I hear stories from my mother and grandmother about how they tried to put me in a dress for pictures (from the pictures that were taken I couldn't have been older then 3).  I struggled with them the entire way and as soon as they were done I apparently ripped the dress from my body.  Never had any issues in pants or shorts or just dresses.

As I got older and started to go through elementary school I played to tonka trucks, teenage mutant ninja turtles and decapitated the heads off my older sisters barbie dolls.  All my friends were boys and I'd be out building ramps to jump and forts in trees to play in.  I was excepted by the boys even though I was a girl because I was good at sports, actually I was always the leader of the pack of neighborhood boys because I could beat them (at whatever sports we played or just plainly beat them up).  I wasn't a trouble maker or anything, just when needed I knew how to land a punch (Dad taught me how to box a bit, he treated me as a boy and never tried to get me to do the more girly things like my mom did, which is why I was always closer to him).  This also worked out well for my little brother as nobody dared to bully or pick on him.

My entire family thought I was just a tomboy and this was just a phase I'd grow out of.  Often when asked by other kids if I was a girl or a boy I couldn't answer them.  This was between the 2nd and 5th grade, I didn't know how to answer them because even though my name was Melissa and I had the body of a girl I wasn't one.  So I often just ignored the question.

Then the summer between 5th and 6th grade we moved 8 states away.  In this new state junior high starts in 6th grade rather then 7th like it did back home.  This was problematic for me as there was no recess to show the boys what I could do.  So I didn't talk to anyone - boys or girls.  I remember the first encounter with my new math teacher.  He was taking roll and went past my name, with my head bowed I acknowledged that the name was mine and took my seat.  He later came over to me and said something along the lines of not to worry about my name because he had a nephew named Marion (he thought I was a boy).

So that was back in 6th grade, the fall of 1994.  All through junior high and then when we moved again and started high school in a new place I never really spoke to anyone or had any friends.  Things weren't as bad when I joined the school sports teams and excelled way past the other girls in my grade.  I still didn't make any friends or do anything socially outside of practice and games.

Now here we are in 2012, I still don't have a single friend (this isn't a poor me type of post, I apologize if it has sounded like it) as I really have no clue how to socialize in person.  It's really difficult when the person that others see isn't who you are, so how are you suppose to gain real friends if you aren't you (if that makes any sense). 

Over the years I have had online friends as I have gamed online and said I was a guy - doing this I think saved my sanity as people spoke and treated me as I view myself to be (I do feel bad for lying though).  So it was really easy to make friends and on the games that I do play I am rather popular (I'm thinking now of the connection back to when I was just a kid in elementary school and how I was just me, the real me and made a lot of other friends because they treated me as just another boy - heck even the girls back in elementary school referred to me as a boy).

So, where do I go from here?  Sadly, nowhere.  I don't have the money to do any type of surgery and even if I did I'm not sure I would as this would devistate my family.  I know that I should do things for myself and what makes me happy, but in all honesty I wouldn't be happy seeing my family upset like that.  However that doesn't stop the loneliness that I feel and have felt for so long.  I guess I'm getting to the point that even though I have online friends, I want to have real life friends because the online friendships are extremely limited. 

I guess that's it, sorry for the long first post.  I think this introduction was more for my own good of getting all that off my chest.  I know it may not seem like it for others, but this was such a huge step for me.

Hi Anon 

Welcome to Susan's 

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Hugs

V M

Hi Melissa, and welcome from rainy southern California.

You have the opportunity to meet many people with similar backgrounds and issues here.  You might want to check out the Androgyne forum.

Hi Melissa,

A warm Aussie welcome to Susan's to you! Relax, put your feet up and settle in.. There's plenty of useful info and many wonderful people here..

Hugs,
Kelly

Hi Melissa,

Just for a change another Aussie.

Welcome and now you will never need to be alone again. You have a world of friends who both understand and appreciate what you have gone through, what you are going through and even what you may go through.
In this incredible family there ate those who have had similar experiences. And we are not ashamed or frightened of them. We are perfectly normal people, as you are, who have been dealt a cruel biological joke. But we will overcome it, as you shall.

You need to join in and discuss. Have FUN. Tell jokes and join in the funny threads, not just the info ones, meet people, normal people who totally understand what being TG is. That way you will meet friends. Not just internet friends but true friends who will stand by you, and who you want to stand by with when they have a problem.

Believe it or not since I joined here I have not only caught up with a number of the Aussie boys and girls, but have regular contact with friends around the world. Just normal stuff we phone each other for a chat just like friends do.

So welcome again and believe it or not, your life has just got a heap better.

Hugs

Cindy

your life has just got a heep better.

Hi and welcome, from yet another Aussie sheila!  Despite what some of the locals seem to think, Tasmania is still part of the country, just not attached.  And no, just like Alabamans, we don't have two heads! 

As Cindy said you are among friends here, so metaphorically speaking, pull up a chair,have a beer and relax.  Lots of the blokes and girls have been through similar things over the years.
Don't be afraid to have a rant if something has upset you, and you need to vent.  You'll almost certainly find support here from someone.  Also because we are all over the globe, there will be someone online pretty much all the time too. 

Post away, and have fun.

Karen.

Hi Anon, sometimes talking things out is the best therapy. We love long introductions, it makes us feel like we already know you! See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

Welcome to Susan's,Hugs,Rachael.

QuoteSince an age that I can't remember, I hear stories from my mother and grandmother about how they tried to put me in a dress for pictures (from the pictures that were taken I couldn't have been older then 3).  I struggled with them the entire way and as soon as they were done I apparently ripped the dress from my body.  Never had any issues in pants or shorts or just dresses.

As I got older and started to go through elementary school I played to tonka trucks, teenage mutant ninja turtles and decapitated the heads off my older sisters barbie dolls.  All my friends were boys and I'd be out building ramps to jump and forts in trees to play in.  I was excepted by the boys even though I was a girl because I was good at sports, actually I was always the leader of the pack of neighborhood boys because I could beat them (at whatever sports we played or just plainly beat them up).  I wasn't a trouble maker or anything, just when needed I knew how to land a punch (Dad taught me how to box a bit, he treated me as a boy and never tried to get me to do the more girly things like my mom did, which is why I was always closer to him).  This also worked out well for my little brother as nobody dared to bully or pick on him.

My entire family thought I was just a tomboy and this was just a phase I'd grow out of.  Often when asked by other kids if I was a girl or a boy I couldn't answer them.  This was between the 2nd and 5th grade, I didn't know how to answer them because even though my name was Melissa and I had the body of a girl I wasn't one.  So I often just ignored the question.

Every word of this could have come out of my mouth. You can be okay if you work at it. Go read my intro if you'd like. I've evolved a lot since then, but I started the same as you and I'm so much happier now.

Hi Anon,

Welcome to our little family. Over 6656   strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.


Janet

Welcome!

Hello Melissa!  Maybe this will be the place where you can start your journey... and see that you are NOT alone!

One thing that stood out to me was how you said you don't have friends because you are not sure who you are, and don't know how to socialize.

That type of fear is very real, and sometimes very hard to overcome.  But it CAN be overcome.  One of the first things to start to admit to yourself, is that there is so much of you that will be the same no matter what gender you are.  You like funny movies?  guess what?  You'll still laugh in either gender.  Like chocolate ice cream?  You'll still like it as a boy!  The point is, is that you are still YOU, no matter what your gender is, and with that, others can relate.  It may seem like gender is the "be all end all" of who we are, but it is merely part of it.  We are still who we are.  Kind people are still kind when they change gender.  Cat lovers still love cats, vegetarians are still vegetarians.  See what I mean?  Use that as a stepping stone to develop interpersonal relationships, and continue working on your questions of your gender.  Because the 'who" won't change.  And that was a very important lesson for me to learn regarding my own gender dsyphoria. 

Also, find an outlet to seek out others and talk, or just listen.  These boards are a great starting point.  Depending on your area, there are usually support groups that do not charge for "admission".  You don't even have to speak.  Sometimes just hearing can start you on your path. 

Gosh, i sure do get long winded at times....  sorry.  But you are not alone, and you are, by your very existence, a beautiful and intricate part of this world.  We will embrace you as such, and hopefully, you will do the same!

I'll be sending out some positive energy your way tonight.  Growing up in the time and place I grew up I did not know for a long time that there was anyone like me in the world, and it was a dark place.  But it can get better, and it will get better!!  Because one day I found out I wasn't alone.  And now, you found that out too.

Love and light my dear.....