So I talked to a gender therapist. He explained to me about how our brains develop according to our genders and how they can get mixed up.
This may sound weird. I've known for years that my brain is closer to a guy's than a girl's in the sense that certain traits are, statistically, overwhelmingly male in humans. But I used to feel female. Heck, when I was eighteen I was positive I was female. In mythology, those traits are so common in females, that it's an archetype. Sure, I had really bad dysphoria, but that was because I didn't feel human, not because I didn't feel female. (It's probably from abuse issues.)
I am now twenty four and I no longer feel female. I feel happiest when I feel male. I've got to admit, I really hope I am male. How messed up is that? Logically, it doesn't make sense because I am physically female, have access to certain resources as a female, I don't have money to transition anyway, and I have enough weirdness. But emotionally, it feels like it makes perfect sense. It feels right. But that can't be right, right? I used to feel female and I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm male.
So I asked the therapist if transexuality can manifest in ways that aren't readily apparent. He said no. Then he said that it's not a choice as if I was too stupid to know that. I know it's not a choice. The problem is, how can I convince him I didn't choose this when I'm not even sure myself?
And what the heck is going on with me? What gender am I? Why am I that gender? Am I really a stupid, irrational fake?

I don't think you're fake or stupid.

I think that you are a non-binary gender variant person, or a person who might be genderfluid. It seems to me that your therapist is looking at this from a binary point of view, that there are only 2 options.

Quote from: Edge on April 11, 2012, 04:30:08 PM
So I talked to a gender therapist. He explained to me about how our brains develop according to our genders and how they can get mixed up....

And what the heck is going on with me? What gender am I? Why am I that gender? Am I really a stupid, irrational fake?

As with many things in nature, I see gender as a continuum, with two established endpoints, and innumerable opportunities in between.

According to what he told me, places in between sound normal. However, I seem to have gone from one endpoint to the other.

Quote from: Edge on April 11, 2012, 05:16:11 PM
According to what he told me, places in between sound normal. However, I seem to have gone from one endpoint to the other.

As a person who is "bi-gendered" and bisexual, I say, "So what?"
That's okay.  Show me the "rule book" that says you can't so that.

lol If you find a rule book, please let me know! I'm skeptical about whether this gender therapist will be able to help figure out what's going on.

 What the facts are, in transition, may not be terribly useful to know at times. Labelling yourself bi-gendered, gender-fluid, androgynous, mtf, ftm, or anything else is really a way of expressing to others what you are. You don't need a label for yourself... you just want one because everyone expects one.

If being male makes you happy, then you should pursue that. Hormone treatment tends to be pretty good at diagnosing whether someone is really trans or not, so there's no real far of going too far - go as far as you need to to be happy, regardless of what someone else will say.

I will admit that sometimes I'm unsure of what I am. However, what I'm doing is making me happier, and the road ahead of me is exciting... and I expect it will make me happier still. I've also taken the risk out of it - if I turn out to be male after all, then at least I got my SRS, among other things. I enjoy presenting as female, but if I were a guy, I'd still enjoy presenting femininely - and I definitely don't want my penis, whether I'm male or female.

That might sound confusing, I suppose... Eventually, I'd end up with still wanting boobs, facial surgery, hormones, and body/facial hair gone even if I decide I want to be a guy. I take those steps one at a time - every one of them makes me happy. I don't do things because they're a part of the process, but rather because things become necessary for me.

If you feel you need to make changes, or to go as far as to transition to living as male... then that's what you should do, and to hell with everything else.

... That said, if you can be happy as you are, then by all means, don't change a thing.

My opinion? Your therapist is too old-school.

I KNEW IT ANOTHER FAKE 

sheesh all we get here are fakes 

Actually, I need a label to express to myself what I am. Otherwise, I confuse myself. (Before anyone suggests it, no I could not change who I am to fit a label if I wanted to- and I don't. I'm more likely to tweak a label to fit me and just use it as a starting point to explain from.)
I'm afraid other people are going to see me as female no matter what I tell them.
I can't afford hormones or surgery. I just want to sort out what the #$%& is going on with me. So how does one explain to a gender therapist that one doesn't have a fixed gender?

 Perhaps you could say that you don't have a fixed gender. Express yourself however you like, and stick with genderfluid as a label if you want - you can always change the label later when you become more sure of what's going on with yourself.

I don't really know what it's like inside your brain, so I can't really say much further than that.

I know some individuals that introduce themselves as trans may very well be simply very masculine women, or very feminine men - and confusing their femininity or masculinity for femaleness or maleness, they look at transitioning... which may be catastrophic to them.

I'm not saying that's the case, or even that that's what I think... I'm just saying that you should keep an open mind in your investigation. Ultimately, it's about what makes you happy.


And at Amazon... lol. I'm so tempted to respond to your statement as if it were serious.

Quote from: Edge on April 11, 2012, 04:30:08 PM

I am now twenty four and I no longer feel female. I feel happiest when I feel male. I've got to admit, I really hope I am male. How messed up is that? Logically, it doesn't make sense because I am physically female, have access to certain resources as a female, I don't have money to transition anyway, and I have enough weirdness.

Before you talk about transitioning I think you need to understand like any other medical status, there will be stigma behind being trans, but by saying that possibly having this as a medical status contributes to your weirdness, I think it's understandable why you might not be sure if you want to transition yet. If you are male, you need to fully accept yourself as male and understand that it's not "weird" that you are; it's unfortunate if you have the wrong body, but in my opinion transitioning to fix that is just about the least "weird" thing you can do. You do seem pretty confused though, so perhaps you can talk to your therapist about such extreme vacillation or get another therapist who would better understand your issues. I didn't even talk to a gender therapist until I had figured out the majority of my gender identity, so I didn't have any of the issues you are currently having. I saw your other posts on this topic and you say that you need a label to feel comfortable; I think that's a problem in itself because labels are oversimplifications of identity anyway and never seem to do a person the justice they deserve. Just be yourself. If you don't know who that is yet, you will be eventually.

I was actually contemplating whether or not I should post this in fear of whether it's coming off as too harsh, but this was my initial reaction to your posts.

No worries. I understand what you're saying. Yeah, labels are oversimplifying and don't do a person justice, but I find they make a good starting point to explain things further (even if it's just to myself).
Props, btw, on saying "if" I don't know who I am instead of just assuming. Most people just assume that just because I'm confused on one issue I must not know who I am at all and that really pisses me off. Silly, I can't be anyone else but myself. I tried hiding myself for awhile, but that doesn't work.