Soooo, yeah, I don't really know where else to go with this.

I'm pretty sure I'm transsexual now. Or at least transgender of some kind. I'm having a lot of difficulty dealing with my feelings of sexual arousal. It's not like it happens every moment of the day or every time I think about transition, but my fantasies have always been of myself as a woman. So I do get aroused by the thought of being a woman and performing sexually as one (which all women do, so I'm not sure if that's a bad thing?) I still question my gender when I'm not aroused, but the sexual component makes me very conflicted—I'm not sure if my feelings are legitimate. No offense meant to people here but the party line seems to be that 'sex and gender are mutually exclusive' but I think that's not entirely the case. And a lot of people seem reluctant to talk about the role sexuality plays in our lives--to pretend is has no role is simpler, maybe, but not accurate.

One friend has said that I sound like a female to her which I find encouraging and terrifying at the same time. A lot of things are like that nowadays. I feel like I'm on the edge between optimism for the future and utter despair.

I mentioned my gender issues to my therapist several weeks ago but really just started talking about it last week. As it turns out, LGBT issues are kind of her area of interest so that may have been a lucky coincidence. I really don't want to try to force myself into the 'standard transsexual story'--I want to be honest-- but I'm worried about hurting my chances of achieving HRT which is something I would like (at the moment I'm thinking I may be androgyne from the female side, but I dunno).  I don't feel able to communicate to my therapist what I desire entirely accurately. How do you tell a stranger that you have no idea what your gender identity is and that your sexuality is almost entirely fluid?

At the same time, it's all I've been able to think about for a long time, and my school work is beginning to suffer immensely. I find I tend to think about my gender issues more when I'm stressed. Anyone ese get that? I worry it's a 'the grass is greener on the other side' sort of thing. But yeah, I've been unable to focas on anything besides my gender identity for at least a month now.

I've thought for almost a year that I do want a more female body through HRT. I don't hate my male gender role and I don't have a burning desire for the female one. But I would like the body of a female. Is this bad? I feel like a 'fake transsexual' . Again, I don't think I'm a standard transvestite but...I dunno. I'm inviting you all to judge me harshly by saying that.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot. Yes, yes, I know the standard response to statements like that. It'd just be a lot easier than figuing out this whole gender thing. It's low self-esteeem, of course, but I feel very certain that I'd make a horribly ugly woman and even though it is somewhat shallow, I don't want to give up being a fairly average-looking guy to be an ugly woman. I'm very lonely and I don't want to shrink my dating pool even more. It's shallow, yes, but I honestly believe that no one can love me for who I am and that I'll be alone forever.

So yeah, I'm in that in-between phase I guess. Looking for some advice from people. Am I a freak for having this be, (at least I think) in a large part sexually motivated? If you want to shun me for the way I feel, that's fine. Should I keep talking to my therapist? Should I cut my losses and kill myself? No really, I want honest answers. As I said, I truly feel I'm on the cusp of things--any direction is possible. Dunno who else to approach, so yeah, apologies everyone. I am a newb making far too big of an issue over a fairly routine thing.

EDIT: Cleared a few things up, resisted the urge to delete everything. Memo to self--drunk posts are a bad idea.

Aloha,

And, thanks for posting.

You are normal. Here at least.

You seem fine. Send me a pm if you doubt me.

Suicide sucks as a thought. Everybody thinks it though. Most live.

Little girl, talk it out.

Hi hesitant,

And welcome honey,

Just some rules  Hi, and welcome to Susan's! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way   

Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.


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Our mission is to be a support site for gender dysmorphic people of any situation, so feel at home and feel comfortable. You are now family.


Your feelings are very normal for a TG person and I'm glad you have a therapist that is the best way of dealing with the issues. There is no reason to frightened or ashamed of anything, and suicide is not a way of dealing with anything. Sit down here and talk to all the boys and girls, and you will never be lonely again. 'Cos you are now family and we understand totally what you are going through.

Hugs

Cindy

  Well it's good you're seeing a therapist but you would benefit more from a therapist who specializes with gender issues as yours seems quite complex.
 
  You might be whats called a "cross dreamer" being aroused by the thought of becoming a woman is an indication of that. You should be as honest as possible with your therapist about these issues because jumping into hormones for sexual purposes is not a good idea and cause problems down the road if you choose to stop transitioning. 

  Good luck! xo

We've all been there... it gets better. XD

Hi.
Your story isn't all that unusual at all.  As for telling your therapist that you feel your identity has become fluid, just tell her that.  It will speed things up heaps.
Trust me you won't be telling her anything that even remotely approaches the worst she has ever heard. 

I think most women, cis or trans, will look at themselves in the mirror after dressing up to go out, and say to themselves," I am so hot!"  Perfectly normal.
Personally I now feel that all women are beautiful, it's just that some of them  hide it.

Stress doesn't help, but maybe you can use the fact that you are finding things about yourself that most of your peers have not got a clue about, to feel better.

Karen.

Quote from: justmeinoz on April 15, 2012, 04:08:23 AM
Hi.
[snipped]
I think most women, cis or trans, will look at themselves in the mirror after dressing up to go out, and say to themselves," I am so hot!"  Perfectly normal.
Personally I now feel that all women are beautiful, it's just that some of them  hide it.

Stress doesn't help, but maybe you can use the fact that you are finding things about yourself that most of your peers have not got a clue about, to feel better.

Karen.

As I said before today... you got it going... such a nice thing to say, and how you put it

Thanks for all,
Axélle

Quote from: justmeinoz on April 15, 2012, 04:08:23 AM


I think most women, cis or trans, will look at themselves in the mirror after dressing up to go out, and say to themselves," I am so hot!" 

I don't. I usually look in the mirror and say "meh, you're not the ugliest thing."     Its hard to break old habits.

Hi hesitant,

Welcome to our little family. Over 6656   strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I always say "Man, I love being a girl."


Janet

It's hard to tell someone, especially someone who isn't a close friend or family member for some, about these things in the face.

I won't teach you anything new by telling you that your therapist is your best chance to figure this out. But since it's hard to tell her directly, why don't you bring her a letter? You managed to explain your situation pretty well to "strangers" here, so I think that just like me, if you write her something to read before your appointment, it will go quite smoothly. It should help you figure out where you stand and what you need.

I wish you luck.

Just so you know, here are the most widely known contraindications most psychiatrists pose to HRT. Assuming, of course, that it's what you decide:

-Transition is mainly motivated by sexual concerns (sexual concerns can be included, such as in your case, but there must be gender identity issues, too; evidence that outside of a bed, you'll actually feel better if you live as a woman.)
-Immediate suicidal tendencies are under control (if you're fragile already, they won't want to give you hormones that could cause depression).

Seeing as you mention school and your profile age is N/A, I assume you're a minor. In that case, there are things to consider:

-The sooner you do something, the better the results will be. It's almost exponential.
-If you or the therapist/doctor are still not sure but still believe you might desire HRT in the future, it would be wise to try to be put on puberty blockers or androgen blockers to buy you time.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm still trying to figure out how I fit in here and all that so forgive my newbishness. I'm 21 and about to graduate college (hopefully...that's another story). My profile says N/A for age because I don't believe I have enough posts to edit it yet.

The idea of writing things down before my appointment is a good one. On occassion I've used note cards because I get very nervous when I talk about my gender issues and my brain kinda goes into panic mode and shuts down. Writing down the important points keeps me from forgetting to at least mention them.

Those contraindications are also useful and I definitely need to figure out my motivations. There's a significant difference between being aroused by being a woman and being aroused by becoming a woman and at the moment I'm not sure which triggers me. I freely admit that I may not be the best candidate for HRT at the moment and it's not something I have a burning need for right now. I think I would at least like to go on anti-androgens while I figure things out though--continuing to become more masculine has been distressing to me for a while and I'd like to put things on pause. Plus the reduction in libido may help me figure out my motivations. Is that unrealistic?  I assume there's less concern about prescribing those than hormones.

About a week ago I found out through the grapevine that an acquaintance from high school is transgender. I'm tempted to try to get into contact with her as she would probably have a good idea of the best resources in my area. At the same time, it'd be really awkward to randomly start talking again for the first time in years and delve immediately into a very personal subject. I feel really reluctant to talk to people about gender issues when I'm unsure about where I want to end up on the spectrum or what I identify as.

You're not alone.

I made a similar thread about a week ago, as I'm in a very similar situation - 22 and about to finish Uni.

There's an element of sexuality to my dressing - slightly milder than yours possibly, I think, but still very much there; largely it feels like sexual empowerment than anything particularly fetishistic.

However, I haven't entertained any suicidal thoughts - I'm just in anguish and confusion atm.

Am personally thinking of a strategy something along the lines of:

Finish Uni -> See gender therapist -> Live in RLE for 3 months (I think that's the sufficient period in the UK - maybe someone can correct me?) -> If it still feels right for me and I feel even more confident the dysphoria is sufficiently substantial, then I'll pursue hormones...

Feel free to PM if you like! We sound potentially like two peas in the same pod, or at least in nearby pods. 

Hey Hesitant & Persephone

I'm also in exactly the same boat -

Would love to 'experiment' but currently engaged and 27 - you are definitely in a better position at your age to try and find out who you are.
Don't leave it 10 years like I did!!

Detangling the sexual arousal from feelings of wanting to be a woman in a 'regular day' context are what I'm trying to focus on at the moment.

- Soph

x

Hesitant - the use of notes is really helpful. The first time I went to my gender person, I had prepared and written down a bunch of bullet points of 'evidence'. There were incidents I remembered from childhood (putting on female clothes, feeling comfortable around girl pals); feelings and emotions from certain points in my life (For example, the weight-lifted-off-the-shoulders feeling I got when I finally realised that I wanted to transistion, and the peace of mind that brought with it); times I was unhappy as a guy and how trying to sort these things out on my own still left me in this rut and in this predicament.

So wee helpful reminders are good! If nothing else, they prove your conviction .

Persephone I think its 3 months (although don't quote me on that!) for hormones and at least a year for SRS, should you choose to that. Nice name btw 

X 

Hehe thanks. 

I chose it because Greek mythology fascinates me, but also because ironically I like the idea of being a girl with an confusingly male nickname for short, either Percy or Persie - kinda like how an Alexandra becomes an Alex, etc. ...

Also it's beautiful. 

Quote from: justmeinoz on April 15, 2012, 04:08:23 AM
I think most women, cis or trans, will look at themselves in the mirror after dressing up to go out, and say to themselves," I am so hot!"  Perfectly normal.

  Yeah but they don't get sexually aroused by it.

@Hesistent - Starting T-blockers is a good idea and can serve as a litmus test before starting estrogen.

 

Quote from: Persephone on April 15, 2012, 04:11:47 PM
Hehe thanks. 

I chose it because Greek mythology fascinates me, but also because ironically I like the idea of being a girl with an confusingly male nickname for short, either Percy or Persie - kinda like how an Alexandra becomes an Alex, etc. ...

Also it's beautiful. 

I like it too, but 99% of the names I came across have been 'corrupted' by our forebears - whenever I hear the names Deirdre or Daphne or Helen or Iris I get the mental image of an old spinster  and know a few with those names!

First of all, there is no normal.  There is a typical or a trend, but that's different.  I think what binds all of us tg individuals together is that we don't feel that the sex that we were born into is "right" or "true" or "accurate" or what have you for the gender that we have of ourselves in our minds.  Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but as long as you have that, and it's persistent in whatever form for extended periods, you qualify as transgender.  At least in my book.  My story isn't what you'd consider textbook: I don't really have a problem with my penis, it's all the changes that testosterone brought about in my body and not being socially interacted with as a woman that I hate.  I place emphasis on the secondary sex characteristics and how they change other individuals perception and approach to me, rather than the genitals.  Basically - it's the expression of a hormone that sets the sex in my mind(estrogen = female, testosterone = male).

In my teen years, I fantasized about being a woman when I would masturbate.  There were atypical events earlier in my life that involved issues with my male body, but that's when I began thinking about what it would be like to be female - like switching bodies with my step-mother being the prime fantasy.  I thought maybe that's all it was for a long time - a deviant sexual activity.  It took me up until my late-twenties to accept it in myself, to repress the shame and guilt instead of the act, and to explore what gender identity meant to me.  And here I am, much better for it.

I still get excited some times when oggling my girl parts, or putting on an especially sexy outfit or undie set.  I didn't know what to think of that, if that wasn't in keeping with the clinical spirit of a GID diagnosis, but I ran it by a transfriend of mine, and she said that she ran into similar things, and when she asked her therapist, her therapist said that when she dons sexy underwear, she can get aroused.  So, it happens to XX girls too - nothing out of the normal.   I wonder too if it has to do with me being a lesbian - certain aspects of femininity are attractive and arousing for me, and now that I'm free to express those aspects, it seems logical that I would be aroused by myself at times.  I think it's a good thing - it shows that I like myself, find myself sexy(now), and accept myself.  I'd rather be turned on, than turned off by me!  I also have days when I'm feeling all dudish and ugly.  The pendulum swings both ways.

PM me if you have any questions.  You might also want to check out TransByDef on YouTube.  We cover a lot of different topics and we have several hosts, so you get to see a wide range of expression of GID and approaches to transition.  Not any one person is right - you have to find what's right for yourself and then go with it.

I started anti-androgens first, a low dosage, and after a little over a year, moved onto estrogen and a higher dose of spiro.  I had the same fear of further masculinization, so that might be a good plan.  Be sure to find a good endo.  It's great you have a therapist: tell her the whole story.  She can only help you and do her job if she has the correct background information on you.  Her goal(if she's any good) is to help you discover yourself, not tell you who you are.  She has no ->-bleeped-<-ing clue who you are - she's outside of you.  She can only guide you to the discovery of yourself.  You have to do the heavy lifting here.   If she disagrees with your assessment of yourself, then find another therapist.  Eventually, you'll find one who will act as a guide and not a gatekeeper.  You own yourself, nobody else does, and you are ultimately the authority on your own experience and sense of self.

Quote from: Hesitant on April 15, 2012, 12:47:47 PM
Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm still trying to figure out how I fit in here and all that so forgive my newbishness. I'm 21 and about to graduate college (hopefully...that's another story). My profile says N/A for age because I don't believe I have enough posts to edit it yet.

The idea of writing things down before my appointment is a good one. On occassion I've used note cards because I get very nervous when I talk about my gender issues and my brain kinda goes into panic mode and shuts down. Writing down the important points keeps me from forgetting to at least mention them.

Those contraindications are also useful and I definitely need to figure out my motivations. There's a significant difference between being aroused by being a woman and being aroused by becoming a woman and at the moment I'm not sure which triggers me. I freely admit that I may not be the best candidate for HRT at the moment and it's not something I have a burning need for right now. I think I would at least like to go on anti-androgens while I figure things out though--continuing to become more masculine has been distressing to me for a while and I'd like to put things on pause. Plus the reduction in libido may help me figure out my motivations. Is that unrealistic?  I assume there's less concern about prescribing those than hormones.

About a week ago I found out through the grapevine that an acquaintance from high school is transgender. I'm tempted to try to get into contact with her as she would probably have a good idea of the best resources in my area. At the same time, it'd be really awkward to randomly start talking again for the first time in years and delve immediately into a very personal subject. I feel really reluctant to talk to people about gender issues when I'm unsure about where I want to end up on the spectrum or what I identify as.

Hesitant, stop apologising. You're miles away from doing anything remotely wrong. Complain about yourself again and I'll haunt you. Understood ? >_<

That aside, I think that an anti-androgen might really be of assistance of you; it's an excellent idea. In many people, it causes a more or less steep reduction of libido. Since feelings of arousal seem to be the main point that confuses the whole picture, if you just don't get excited as much as before, or even not at all, it should help you see things more clearly.

If you get the therapist and doctor to understand this, I'm confident you can get such a thing. However, you must be aware that depending on the anti-androgen, after an set delay, your fertility is endangered, if this has any relevance to you. I personally don't care the slightest about such a thing, but some do, so it's important to know this. I'm not sure, but I think that after about two or three months on cyproterone acetate, risks are fairly high. But then again, my libido was almost reduced to zero in less than a week when I started HRT, so I think you'd have time to figure your things out by then...

About that trans girl... Well, if you know (or used to know) her and she's a nice person, I think it's a good idea, and shouldn't be too awkward. You just need to muster some courage. Emailing her might be an option.