Hi there,
My name is Zach (Zachariah if say the full real name - my good luck to have it
).
I am Russian (
) and I am unsigned transboy.
Why am I here?
For the last few months I feel more and more acutely need for support and communication with the people, who might understand me.
I've had several tries to chat with the guys from our, Russian or Ukrainian, forums, but it was a lamentable experience.) Our people meet TOO much problems, too much misunderstanding because of the society, politics etc. Have you, for example, heard about homophobic bills in Russia?
More or less adequately communication exists between guys, who had almost passed their way (started hormone therapy, top-surgery etc.). It's kinda... hazing (hope you understand what I am talking about).
Anyway, I felt too much uncomfortable in that circle, so I went away. I know, if I want to make the transition, I'd need to know more about our reality. But I decided, that I won't ever do it in post-soviet area. I'd rather kill myself again.) But I need to speak, need to tell, to read the stories from people, who in the same situation. It doesn't matter where do we live, what language do we speak. We all have brains, heart, soul and FAMILY, friends, passions, imagination... We all are human beings.
I am sorry, if I seem too negative, too weak. But this is my condition for the present.
I always was the one, who helped the others. I am the child psychologist, volunteer and social worker. And now I feel like I am in need by myself. Unusual condition.
For the first time, when I already had enough resources to understand what's going on here, I was 19. Before my psychic was unstable for the long period, I made a lot of mistakes even the one that could become the last and fatal. So, I came to my psychiatrist and told her everything. (you know, in Russian language we have difference between F and M endings. How amazing English is!
I'm feeling much better telling "the story" now.)
I can't even describe the expression on her face, I mean my doctor.) She shrank into the small lump and looked at me with the eyes like the two saucers.
She appointed me the new consultation in a week. When we met again, she told me superficially about the conditions and terms of sex change in Ukraine (I am actually live in Ukraine) and then she said: you should run away from here. You'll can't live here with
that. 
Amazing, huh?
I came back home and started to recall all my life.
My mother once told me that, when I was a kid, about 1,5 - 2 years old, I was playing in front of the mirror and speak with the boy named "Anatoly". She asked me, who is Anatoly? Is it your friend? And I said: "No. I just speak with myself".
Then, in the middle school (I was about 13-14 y.o) I remember the awful day, when I cried all day long because I wasn't a boy. I only remember why I felt so bad, but I do not remember, in connection with what it happened. Maybe because it was accompanied by a strong affective state.
Then, the same repeated in the high school twice and again I do not remember what provoked me to.
I've never told anyone, just stayed at home all the time until I was able to go outside. Thanks God my mother always was too busy to monitor my states and discipline.
When I was in Senior I felt in love with my girl classmate, so, for the next 2 years I was sure I am a lesbian.
So many of us did, really?)
But it happend again. And again, again. That awful hysterical feeling: "Smth's going wrong, smth's wrong with me!"
And sometimes pain is too big that I can't be sure I'd can stand it enough. Enough to wait, when there will be adequate opportunity to solve the problem. I made one mistake and I feel shame about it. I don't want to be weak, don't want to suffer.
I'd rather prefer to be mad.
I am inclined to believe that transsexuality is not mental more physiological pathology. Maybe some kind of genetic damage. I need to read more to understand and to make my complete point of view.
That's all guys... I hope I didn't eat your brains and put you in indescribable boredom with my whining.)
Thanks for your attention.
Yours,
Zach.
