It's now been almost 3 weeks since I had FFS... Yes I'm the person that posted that "Omg i just had FFS and i hate it all, please turn me back to James!"

Well in the past 3 weeks I've seen like 18 different faces everyday and it seems that each one looks more and more like James...

I'm changing therapists going from a social worker I really like to a clinical sexologist who's going to examine my transition in a different kind of way. 

A transgender mentor of mine was aghast when she heard I had "transition plan."  Apparently, that's actually a word.  Who knew?  Maybe I need to have a Merriam-Webster's Transgender Dictionary on file. (I mean seriously there's like a new word to learn every week.  "Gatekeeping"?!)

Anyway I'm obviously not anywhere near ready to going full-time.  Two years ago was the last time I dressed up (that means makeup, wig, and clothes).  I was a part-time cross-dresser on 9 months estrogen when I stopped and checked myself into rehab.

This time around, things are very different.  I'm recovering from a very traumatic, very difficult operation- FFS- of which I'm still not sure how I feel about.  I can see though how its going to change so I really can't make anything of it yet, but it's slowly starting to look a little better. 

I seem to have a plan... here it is.  Tell me if you think it's good:

1. Go into therapy.  The main goal of this therapy is to understand how to move forward... how to live through a period of androgyny in order to one day live as a woman.

2. Move.  I've been living in the same place for 3 years and it's time for a change.  Moving to a new location will psychologically help me create this new identity (although nobody hardly knows me here.)

3. Get a job.  This is the hard part.  For any transgender woman going from male to female, finding employment is always difficult.  You think, "Who's going to hire someone in between genders?"  I live in suburban Southeastern Pennsylvania... everybody looks and acts the part, its very assimilist (is that a word?).  What i mean is that its conforming... there's not a lot of people walking around in pink hair.

4. Try and make the most out of my support group.  Its mostly all cross-dressers but there are people there I know who are "classical transsexuals."  Every time I go I feel good that I went.  I couldn't go in February or March because of an eye infection and I'm missing April because of my FFS.  Maybe I'll be okay to go in May... but I feel terrible about never being able to go looking the way all the others do.  They have years of experience, resources of how to get wigs and hairpieces,... in a weird way even though they're like Nordstrom mannequins... well some of them lol

5. Stay on and increase the estrogen.  I'm on 2 mg of estrogen and 100 mg of spirolactone.  I know that's not a lot.  I'm going through a GLBT clinic to get my HRT and it costs me $10 (the spiro is free).  I'm going to ask the doctor they gave me to increase the estrogen dosage to 5 mg and the spiro up higher, to like 200.  I need to get more out of these hormones.  I'm 26 years old.  I don't want to waste any more time.  I've wasted enough.

6. Figure out how long I'm going to be James.  This is the hardest part of all.  When is it time to go full-time?  Is there a morning you wake up and you realize that this is something that you can do now.  That living as a guy is no longer something you have to do, that you possess enough of the bare necessities so that now you can live as a woman.  For me this would be mostly physical barriers removed - but there also has to be a mindset that I had before until the euphoria died.  It was like it all clicked in my mind and I forgot about being trans and about being a guy and I believed it so much that other people began to believe it too.

How exactly does someone go from male to female?  Isn't there like a period when you're neither one, or both, or you're just not sure yourself what you are?

You were on to something in your other post when you said that you realised transition was a state of mind. That is the key. You do not need a plan, but an informal idea of how to proceed is best.

What you need is to make slow and gradual adjustments. YOU MUST NOT RUSH THIS PROCESS. You need to allow yourself time to adjust to your new social role because there is simply too much to learn to allow you to do it quickly. You also need to be comfortable with the changes.

Let the FFS settle down and get the doctor to sort out your medication levels and then stop worrying about those. You have other issues to deal with. Your body will sort itself out.

Start growing your hair and start laser on your beard. These will take YEARS to sort out. Start now.

Start working on your voice. This will take months to sort out and if you want to pass you must NOT have a masculine voice. It does not have to be totally feminine but it must not have masculine resonance.

Slowly feminise yourself. Get your ears pierced. Pluck your eyebrows a bit - do not go from bushy to thin lines in one step, thin them by half or one third and leave it for a month or two. Get used to it then thin them some more.

Start wearing ladies jeans and plain blouses. Wear them in public for a month or two then get a slightly more feminised cut.

Do you see the approach? This is gradual, slow and incremental. It gives YOU time to adapt and feel comfortable.

Look at women your age and see what they wear, see how they move, listen to how they speak - you have to learn this. It will not come instantly and no gender therapist can teach it to you.

Somewhere along this you will realise that the clothes and make-up and other things are nice to haves, that they help others see you as female and make you stand out less. But as your hair grows and your beard thins and your voice improves then your confidence level in YOURSELF will increase. AT that point you will realise that these other things come with being female but they do not make you female. Being female is partly physical but mostly in your head.

You need to slowly immerse yourself in a more female way of living, gradually taking on a bit more as you get more  comfortable with yourself. If you create a plan with dates and targets you will only be torturing yourself.

Start slowly and simply and relax. Just let it happen.

You got FFS and you aren't fulltime and do not have a job?

I am going to do some tough love here and I do not mean anything offensive about it....but did your social worker therapist tell you this may not have been a good idea? You say you are nowhere near fulltime but you got feminization facial surgery. If you say you have a transition plan (which I think is a very good idea), your plan is extremely out of order.

1. Switching therapists is a good idea. In my opinion, I do not know how a social worker could be a good gender therapist? I think it kind of goes along with the issue that you got FFS before even doing fulltime or even have a job. A good therapist would seriously sit you down and to evaluate your situation and the options placed in front of you. So switching therapist is a good move for you.

2. I personally would have used the monies from the Facial Surgery and kept in my savings if I had no job or a very limited job. The thing about jobs are, they usually are more comfortable with you sticking to one gender and not go back and forth. My employer is VERY trans friendly, but they would be confused if they saw Rob one day and then Annah the next. So, when you do get a job I stick to one gender maybe(?) and then tell Human Resources that you plan on transitioning.

3. You have a support group. I would honestly look for another one. If they thought you getting FFS was nice without even transitioning yet or have a job then, in my opinion, that isn't a support group. Now, if you never told them about the surgery then that's another thing...but if they knew you were going to have the surgery and haven't transitioned yet then you need to find another group.

A roadmap is def good. I can tell you how I did mine (and I think a lot of others followed similarly).

1. Spent a few months in self reflecting after making the decision of transitioning
2. Seek out an appropriate therapist who is trained to deal with your issues
3. Laser for my facial hair
4. After approval, I went on HRT
5. Applied for graduate school
6. Lost weight
7. First day of grad school was first day of fulltime (I had been in therapy for almost a year and taking hrt for about 6 months before going fulltime).
8. Told my family
9. Got a job as Annah
10. SRS

That was my plan. Andrea James has a site called TS roadmap and you should go there.

I hope everything works out for you.

+1 A - Z

Long post incoming.

I think it is absolutely essential to find a place / group of people that you can experience full time with outside of your friends / family. For me, I went to school (cosmetology... probably the smartest thing I've ever done). 6 months later, I'm full time there and I'm learning as I go in a very safe and kind environment.

IDK what the equivalent of that is for you, but find anything... volunteer work, school, support group... anything that is out of reach of the people you know. I have my 5 year plan somewhere but tbh I haven't looked at it in over a year.

Words of advice to everyone. My sister told me something once that I will always remember and so far it has been the absolute truth in this journey. "When things are meant to happen, they will just fall into place." They have for me. I haven't forced anything in my transition. To get the ball rolling, all I've had to do is blow on it, while some people I have noticed have been trying to bulldoze that ball and it's breaking them and everything in its way. Don't force anything, when something is ready to happen, it will without much effort whatsoever.

----------------------------------------------------------------

My transition so far:

Started going to a therapist august 2010.

Therapist told me to find support.

September - last boy haircut.

October 16th - Came out to my sister in law in hopes she would support me. I forced it and that caused some serious issues. I stopped trying because I just didn't know what to do about a support system.

November -  HRT letter from therapist - waiting list VERY LONG with recommended doctor.

December 2010 - I thought "I'll go into cosmetology. If I decide to transition 1 day I can be myself in that class and I'll learn so much girl stuff just due to the course being what it is" ... but I drug my feet on it because I'm the worlds #3 procrastinator.

In July 2011, Something happened that made me HATE my job, and apply to cosmetology school.

Early August 2011 - I got my drivers license renewed. I looked at it and said "This will hopefully be the last time I have to have a male license". This caused me to get sick of the waiting list. That night I ordered estradiol.

August 19th - took my first E pill, 3 days later ordered Finasteride. 2 weeks later Spiro. Full dose HRT by September 2nd 2011.

Sept 10th - made appointment with endocrinologist.

October 5th - started school. Was open about my girliness, but not my GID.

November 2nd - prescribed HRT.

January 2012 - After not caring about the consequence, I came out to mom. She was very accepting.

February - First time maamed by a stranger.

March 24th - while in class, I asked my best friend to give me a full makeover. While this was happening I came out to everyone in class. I looked in the mirror and decided that night I was going out in public as female, and I did.

March 26th - came out to the entire cosmetology area at school. Started going to school in make up. Asked people to please start referring to me as a female and with my female name. Everybody respects this.

April 15th - Obtained letter from therapist suggesting to my school director that I should be considered female for my own psychological benefit. School director complicit and respectful of the request.

Today - First day full time as a girl at school. Coincidentally it's also the first day of clinicals (where I see clients), so it's technically like I'm getting OJT as a girl.

So far, so good... very little push from me at all. BTW I live in Louisiana... right by Texas and Arkansas. IE redneck god fearing dip spitting "God Hates Queers!" mecca. If it can be done here, it can be done anywhere in the US.

  I agree with making a plan you don't wanna just jump straight in without any preparation that's crazy! As for when you should go full-time idk...nobody can tell you that, it's something for you to decide. Speaking from my own exp I just recently starting living "full-time" and it's kind of scary but is something you get used to.

  For me I knew it was time when I stopped passing as male in public, even in obvious guy clothes and no makeup. It just wasn't working anymore and it was weirding people out, especially people that knew me as a guy. Also I started to feel like a woman in drag when wearing guy clothes which made me extremely uncomfortable.

  Everyone is different though, take as much time as you need and when it's right you'll know!     

I am not sure where you are getting advice from.

Can I just post part of the protocol from the South Australian Gender Dysphoria Unit.

Facial Feminisation and Breast Implant Surgery in not recommended unless there has been Hormonal Reassignment for at least 18 months. A second opinion may be required before this.

OK these are the rules that I live under and if I wanted I could pay for anything I wanted, if I found a surgeon who was willing to operate. But the opinion was explained to me as the effect of HRT can be dramatic and one should wait until the drama has unfolded.
Also the psychological effects of HRT can also be dramatic and professional guidance through the emotional consequences is extremely important.

I would seek help from a good therapist.

Cindy

James, dear, these ladies who posted above me have given you very good advice.

Let me just add another perspective.  There are some MtFs who transition without any sort of hormones and with no intention to do SRS.  They are content with just living as a woman.  Some go further and get feminization surgeries- FFS, BA, etc.  Some seek out castration.

You haven't done anything here that hasn't been done before. But through years of experience, the sequence of events listed above, have proven to be helpful. Everyone's path varies with their own needs, circumstances, and means.

But I agree with those above who had said there is no need to rush into things. Give the FFS time to recover.  Chart out your roadmap.  Learn to love and accept yourself.

I pretty much concur with all the above posts.  If your FFS was something that was accessible and practical as a stand alone procedure, than it need not be considered an integral part of your transition.

You really do need a therapist with knowledge of TS issues to be able to proceed further though.  Some Social Worker Therapists here are highly competent and qualified, they just  have a different background to others, however I doubt that they will be able to write letters for SRS.  Here you have to have an actual Psychiatrist, not a Psychologist.

When planning your Transition it is best to be flexible with regard to time, as some stages will take longer than anticipated, and others will be quicker.  You may even need to backtrack and reassess a stage.  Main thing is, eat slowly, and enjoy it.

Karen.

I guess having a transition plan is helpful, and not having one can be dangerous in transition. However, keep in mind that things don't often go according to plan.

Quote from: Princess Allison on April 18, 2012, 07:15:17 AM
I guess having a transition plan is helpful, and not having one can be dangerous in transition. However, keep in mind that things don't often go according to plan.

That is why I prefer a checklist (or roadmap) rather than a 'plan'. To me a plan has dates that may be unrealistic and if you try to keep to them then trouble will come of it. With a checklist/roadmap you just have a list of things to do and an order in which they should be done. No dates. You just work your way through the list at the correct pace, whatever it is.

Quote from: Beverley on April 18, 2012, 08:34:12 AM
That is why I prefer a checklist (or roadmap) rather than a 'plan'. To me a plan has dates that may be unrealistic and if you try to keep to them then trouble will come of it. With a checklist/roadmap you just have a list of things to do and an order in which they should be done. No dates. You just work your way through the list at the correct pace, whatever it is.

This is a great bit of advice right here that really hits home for me.  When I first devised a transition plan, I had it in my head that is was akin to a project plan and had to have hard dates and deadlines associated with it or else I was risking having no forward momentum at all.

What I've discovered, for myself, is that being flexible around times and dates is crucial.  There are dependencies at play that hinge 100% of measured timing and realistic planning.  How could I know if I want/need FFS or BA until after some time on HRT? 

In order to not feel like I am in limbo, or just spinning my wheels, I am focusing on the things I can that are still a part of my plan that are not time dependent.  Voice, wardrobe, body and facial hair.

It is odd for me, and often a challenge, trying to balance this renewed sense of urgency I have after suppressing myself for so long, with the reality of a paced, measured and flexible plan moving ahead. 

Now that I have finally started, I want to get there now!  I've just have to remind myself now and again that it will take time, dedicated effort on my part and more hopeful patience that I've ever applied to anything else.

-Miki

Plenty of good observations starting with Annah's. About all I feel needs to be added is There are no magic pills. FFS, GRS, HRT, none of these will make you into a woman. It is not surprising you are totally unhappy about the FFS. If you feel bad now wait till 6 months after HRT and not doing anything else to actively transition.

Transitioning takes a lot of hard work and a bit of time to take care of the fundamentals,  that if neglected will lead to a disastrous transition. Electrolysis or laser takes time and money. Voice training takes time and a lot of practice, if not some help from a pro. Female comportment and mannerisms takes lots of observation, learning and practice out in the real world which also requires dress, hair, makeup etc.. As Cindy mentioned FFS is fairly close to last on the "to-do" list, assuming it is even necessary after a year or two on HRT, living as a woman, and gaining tons of self confidence in your ability to live as one.

This was my "plan", which really wasn't planned, it just happened.

Over a few years gradually shifted my clothing/appearance towards feminine. Got to the point I was ma'amed about 60% of the time.

Friends asked "When are you going to just start living as a woman?"

Started living full time shortly after.

3 years later went to talk to a doc about HRT.

Saw a therapist to get a hormone letter.

6 months after had nose job to fem up my face.

3 months later did voice therapy and got a nice voice.

On hindsight the only "mistake" I feel I made was not doing the voice stuff a lot sooner.

Many people would say I did my transition way out of order too. The end result was the same.

I don't really feel like reading through everything, but I have to say that 5 mg estrogen is too much. The max. recommended dose is 4 mg a day. Anything past that, unless you have a very special case and a very competent doctor's analysis, will not increase feminisation; it will rather increase the chance of side effects and is likely to decrease final results.

I think I'm in a similar position to you for a lot of things, except I'm a year ahead.  I'm 27 and had ffs 4 months ago (before I was full-time) and wasn't sure how/when I would go full-time.  I'd been on hormones for ~14 months before ffs though.

Quote from: sysm29 on April 17, 2012, 07:49:58 AM

3. Get a job.  This is the hard part.  For any transgender woman going from male to female, finding employment is always difficult.  You think, "Who's going to hire someone in between genders?"  I live in suburban Southeastern Pennsylvania... everybody looks and acts the part, its very assimilist (is that a word?).  What i mean is that its conforming... there's not a lot of people walking around in pink hair.

There are plenty of options here.  Your employers don't need to know that you're trans, just present as male at work until you're ready to go full-time.  You could find a job that is trans friendly or you could start by presenting as male and hope they value you enough that you keep your job when you come out.

Quote from: sysm29 on April 17, 2012, 07:49:58 AM

6. Figure out how long I'm going to be James.  This is the hardest part of all.  When is it time to go full-time?  Is there a morning you wake up and you realize that this is something that you can do now.  That living as a guy is no longer something you have to do, that you possess enough of the bare necessities so that now you can live as a woman.  For me this would be mostly physical barriers removed - but there also has to be a mindset that I had before until the euphoria died.  It was like it all clicked in my mind and I forgot about being trans and about being a guy and I believed it so much that other people began to believe it too.

How exactly does someone go from male to female?  Isn't there like a period when you're neither one, or both, or you're just not sure yourself what you are?

Going full-time was a gradual process for me.  I started by wearing women's jeans then slightly more and more androgynous tops, began plucking my eyebrows etc...  Each individual thing by itself didn't attract any attention to the people around me, but when I would meet a complete stranger they'd often start gendering me as female (until I spoke of course!).  The mindset change was very gradual for me, the more I went out as female the more I felt female and thus the more I wanted to go out in girl-mode up.  It helped a lot that I didn't have anyone pointing and laughing at me (and that I got hit on in bars!).

I do know people who went full-time immediately upon deciding to transition, so it is also possible to do it that way.

I found my local support group to be useless, the people in it were mainly mid 50's crossdressers with the occasional person who'd spent 10+ years transitioning and still gotten nowhere. Likewise I found formal therapy sessions to be a complete waste of time.  What I did find helpful was talking to people who were similar to myself but were a year or so ahead of me in their transition.  I'd definitely recommend finding someone around your age who may be a year or so into transition and talking to them about how they feel/felt etc..  Whatever you choose, therapy or something else, having one or two people you can talk to about transition and who can understand how you feel will help a lot.

Quote from: sysm29 on April 17, 2012, 07:49:58 AM

2. Move.  I've been living in the same place for 3 years and it's time for a change.  Moving to a new location will psychologically help me create this new identity (although nobody hardly knows me here.)

This was the biggest and most beneficial step for me.  I moved cities a total of 3 times during my transition. Firstly, to live with my parents while I sorted hrt and stuff out.  Secondly, back to the place I'd grown up and attended university as I had a number of very supportive friends.  Finally I moved to another city to begin living full-time.  Each move served as a catalyst to start a new stage of my transition and allowed me to create a new identity with different groups of people.  I wouldn't recommend this for everyone though, I've moved around my entire life so it wasn't such a big psychological drama for me.

Big cities are definitely a good place to move to, especially if you can find the liberal group of hippies that'll accept pretty much anyone (look for food co-ops, community gardens, activist groups, volunteer organisations etc..).  The socialisation and support that comes with being amongst accepting people can make a world of difference to your psychological wellbeing (and how readily you can accept yourself as, and feel, female).

Therapy... therapy ... more therapy....

Before you do anything else, I think you should probably chat with a therapist and get someone else on board to help you.

It seems like you are jumping into everything...and THEN starting to think about it.

It is pretty obvious you don't even do research on what you are doing to yourself before you do it either......

I just really can't imagine what is going on in your mind. The idea of doing such life-changing things without even basic research and thought is beyond my reality.

So, before you move... before you do more to your life... stop.... get some help... someone that will slow you down and get you to think.

I agree with everyone here but Raneth (their advice seems to be more harming in the long run...not all of their advice....but many things in there had me thinking "wow")

So, to the OP, you should take these issues to heart. Read everyone's advice. For the most part, most of everyone here has good, sound, and healthy advice. Hope everything works out for you!

Quote from: Annah on April 19, 2012, 07:11:04 AM
I agree with everyone here but Raneth (their advice seems to be more harming in the long run...not all of their advice....but many things in there had me thinking "wow")

I was just saying what I did, not what the OP should do.  Everyone is different and advocating a "one size fits all" approach of everyone needs therapy can be equally as damaging (it definitely was in my case).  About the only thing the OP should do is read through all the advice and stories and decide for themselves what they should do.

I didn't mean anything scournful about your advice. I didn't think it was necessarily bad advice...it just seem like everything you did was the exact opposite of what I did. I am not saying it's ethically wrong or anything like that. Just saying I, personally, didn't agree

For example, my transgender mentor was someone much older than me. She had been through this for a very very long time and I consider her to be one of the most wisest women I have ever known. She nevr sugar coated anything and, at the same time, had a delicate balance of telling how it is and being extremely sympathetic.

The girls my age who were transitioning or had transitioning had a Titanic Ship full of issues. It was something I would rather not get involved in. So seeking out a transgirl my age was out of the picture.

You mentioned you go FFS before going full time and you hadn't been on hormones for two years yet. In my opinion that is playing Russian roulette and you could have ended in a same predicament the OP was. I think you spinned the chamber and got lucky on that one.

I always believe surgery should be the last thing you do. It is an irreversible process. Doing it before going full time and doing it before HRT can really work its magic is too risky.

I once thought I would need FFS and I even placed it on my Roadmap. But after a couple years of HRT, I realize I really don't need it after all. I think when people jump the gun to get FFS before seeing what HRT does for them they are wasting their money and they are trying to speed up a process that should not be sped up. But that's just me