Hi,
Im not sure if this is the correct forum or not, but I need to write my feelings down and ask for advice. Im not sure whether I am Transsexual or not, but my feminine feelings have become stronger and stronger over the years. I did the Cogiaty Test and the result was Probably Transsexual.
My earliest memories of dressing are 4 or 5 years old, I used to play with dolls and love to play hluse and I was always the mother. I used to go oback to the classroom during gym lessons so I could try on the girls clothes and when I was 12 I began making my own female clothes, In secondary school I was very envious of the girls, most of my closest friends were female and I was always seen as a mummys boy, probably a bit of a geek and I was fat, and wasnt a really popular lad in school.
When I was 15 I saw the firs "kilroy Silk" debate about Transsexuals which resulted in me telling my parents that I was Transsexual, but they quickly dismissed it as a phase and that was that.
I lost my puppy fat and at 17 learnt to drive which gave me freedom to go shoping far enough from home for no one to recognise me, it would take me ages to get the courage to buy something but I would eventually and get a big adrenaline rush from the experience, and it would fell very natural.
At 18 I went to University, my collection of female clothes and shoes grew and i dressed fully for the first time with a wig and make up, the first time I experienced the complete relaxation and inner peace of being female. At 18 I had my first gay experience, but I didnt come out as gay until I was 25 to my friends, and my parents still do not know. After University I had to throw away all my clothes and live back at home, but I quickly bought my own place and discovered the internet and other transsexuals like myself. I met a few, but always had a guilty feeling after meets, evern though they were innocent meets just for dressing, I also experienced my first sexual experience as Louise, which was amasing, I have not been able to have sex as a male since, my genetailia wont work unless I am Louise.
At 26 I started going out dressed, which was amasing, I loved the weekend of beung dressed and going out, after the first night out dressed I wasnt even scared and as long as I am away from my home town I can dress in public with no problem. But recently I have stopped going out dressed as the "come down" of going back to male was too depressing, and got me down.
Over the years I have met other tgirls, some who have now transitioned, whom I am ectremely jealous of, I am currently keeping myself as feminine as I possible can, without giving the fame away, wearing female underwear under male clothes 80% of the time. I excerice regular to keep slim and feminine, and the odd time where muscles grow I feel disgust.
Recently another person whom I met has just competed the last stage of transition with SRS, I am 34 and feel I am wasting my life away, but I dont want to loose and of my family and friends if I transition, my family will disiwn me, as a fmaily we have gon through a lot of issues with my mothers depression, and alccoholism, I dont think they would survive knowing that their eldest son wants to be their eldest daughter, and in anyway in some respects I dont want them to see me as female, I just want to run away, and start a fresh life as Louise. I dont know if i could face people I know as Louise, as I am a non attention seeking person, who's always in the back and keeps myself to myself, having attention as the only Transsexual in the village would be too much for me. I have never written anything like this before, but I dont know where to go and what to do, life is passing me by, I dont want to end up transitioning at 70 and feeling ive missed out on being the real me,
I am really confused as to what I should do, I know life is not going to be all rosy as a female, I'd love to just tunr back the clock and transition in my teens, or ideally just of been born female, I currently waste a lot of time at home, alone dressed up, I have created a female bedroom in my house that has all of my female gear, a wardrobe full of clothes, drawers of lingerie, a dressing table full of make up and loads of shoes, if anything I have more female clothes than male.
I have not been able to be in a relationship as a result of my ->-bleeped-<-, no gay lad wants a crossdressing boyfriend who's a probably transsexual, and other tgirls seem to want females or males. I dont want to be single all my life, id like the love of a good person. Even though I have lots of friend and family, I am lonely, scared and confused. I dont know what anyone can do or say to help me, but I though Id write down my feelings and see what advice is available.
Thanks for reading
Louise x
