I suppose it's time to introduce myself!
My name is Mia, and I'm 29 years of age. I came out as a trans woman in August 2009, began HRT in September 2010, and went full-time in Feb 2011.
My earliest memory also happens to be my earliest trans-related memory. I was aged around 4 or 5, and it was time to go for a swim at my Nana's lake house. She told me to go get ready, and so I put on a Girl's swimsuit rather than Boys' swim trunks. My Nana came in and said something to the effect of, "What on earth are you doing child? Let's get going!" I was confused, and truly in pain; I knew something was wrong.
YES, even at such a young age I was aware not only of who I felt I was (a girl), but I was also aware of who I was "supposed" to act like (a boy). That memory was the beginning of my struggle with GID, and I've heard remarkably similar stories over the years from people of all ages, creeds, colours, and genders.
Shortly after that early time period I began praying to God every night to change me. That went on until I was perhaps aged 9 and I realised it simply wasn't going to happen. Things got worse as time passed, and as I dug further into merely portraying the person societal pressure and fate dictated I portray.
It was 23 unbearable years after that first memory until I came out as trans, and in that timeframe I became a loner and a liar; a person who hated life, cursed God, and felt as if they were being punished perhaps for some transgression in a past life. On the outside I was a bright young man, academically talented and handsome, but inside I was barely enduring the unrelenting, torturous pain.
It sounds humorous at first, but the Internet was the only thing that sustained me through it all. I secretly became an expert on all things trans. I stayed up late, or snuck on the computer to absorb anything I could about others like myself. I knew I must be transexual, but I was too ashamed to do anything about it.
The path I chose to follow (to hide, live in fear, and lie about my own identity to everyone I met) led, perhaps inevitably, to my becoming a suicidal drug addict...stealing, Jail, rehab...well you get the idear.
Finally the day of my own reckoning came, and I faced a choice: death, or truth.
Fortunately I chose truth, and since then it has been am amazing journey.
Today I appreciate life, I am excited about the future, and I am living as the person I was meant to be all along. Things began to get better the minute I set down the burden of maintaining that living lie. Sure there are difficulties in being a transwoman, but any pain I've faced is open and real, and that isFAR less than the secret pain I felt every day living a lie
I'm usually a rather private person, but after years of lurking across forums, and after seeing some of the incredible stories recounted on this board, I've decided that I have a responsibility to provide those in need with the best information I can provide.
After all I'm not sure I'd be alive (not to mention transitioning and undergoing FFS) were it not for the Internet and the hundreds of stories that sustained me through those toughest years passed. I owe my transition today to BELIEVING and TRUSTING the stories of others who ran away from themselves only to learn that their inner struggle never subsided. I am sure I'd have continued to do the same were it not for those stories.
To the beautiful person out there who is reading this whilst looking over his or her shoulder: I know what it's like! WE know what it's like. You're not alone, and it WILL BE OKAY! Make good decisions today, and be true to yourself, because your hope for tomorrow doesn't have to exist only in your dreams! After years of hiding, and decades of unrelenting pain, my only regret is that I didn't come out as transexual and begin transition sooner.
It was those stories of others like us, stories of marriages, families, careers, all lived in a lie...that convinced me I had to act. Learn from our mistakes, and Never forget that today's fear is the seed for tomorrow's regret!
-Mia
