Im really having trouble accepting myself as a decent person. I keep feeling guilty and hating myself for being this way,and the conflict is really messing my head up.
Its getting worse since I came out to my gf (now my ex gf ) and my appearance started to change due to aa's.
My ex tells me everyone has a right to be who they want, but when I see her crying because she knows the truth about me it tears me up. Im considering trying to be a man for her again, id rather suffer on with gid than see her like this.
Has anyone else been through similiar, and have advice, or is it just me?

You have to love yourself before you will ever be capable of truly engaging in a loving relationship.

You have to save yourself before you can rescue someone else.

Many relationships are about perpetuating dysfunction and codependency.

You know something is wrong, fix it.  Do you exist to be a people pleaser?

Most people (were it not for senility) will go to their graves with regrets, never having done the things they wanted or needed to do.  Most people lead lives of quiet desperation.  It is easier to be slowly boiled alive in the pot of water on the stove than to be the industrious frog who jumped out of the pot.

So easy to get mired in depression and think of one's self as noble for denying one's self while focusing one's attention on someone else and sacrificing personal joy for making someone else "happy" for a moment.

Life is an enormous thing that most people shut themselves out to and instead of realizing how huge and expansive life is (expansive not expensive), they narrow their vision and focus only on what is right in front of them.  Eventually they get to a point where they begin to realize that they threw away their opportunities, denied themselves a life and instead of being the noble self-sacrificing saint that was only concerned about keeping a girlfriend.. they begin to realize that because they never saved themselves, never did what they needed to do.. they actually pulled everyone else down with them, drug them down into their own depression and made the world a little worse by leaching their sadness into it.

It's not just you, hon. *hug*

The thing is, now she knows, it's not something you can just 'put back in the box', as it were, or pretend it doesn't exist anymore. Say for a second you did go back to trying to live as a man. Firstly, do you think that would get her back? Secondly, how do you think she would feel knowing what you were giving up for her? If it were me in her place, I wouldn't be able to live with knowing that someone I loved was not being true to themselves for my sake. That would be just too selfish for me to deal with.

There's a saying, hon. If you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else? How you think your relationship with your ex would be, assuming you did get back together, when there's an elephant in the room that both of you try to avoid even thinking about, much less talking about? If you're busy thinking about the way you're feeling, and how miserable living as a man makes you, how much of yourself can you give to her, to concentrate on how she's feeling and her needs?

You can't blame yourself for wanting to be yourself, hon. It's a basic human need to be able to live as themselves. It's not as though you had a choice about the way you feel. The whole point of transition is to enable you to live your life with your perspective focused on the world around you, and those you care about. Rather than internally, at war with yourself, leaving no room for thoughts of anything, or anyone else. To be able to be. To free you from this internal conflict and enable you to actually live your life. both the good and the bad of it.

I'm sorry that your ex is struggling with it, hon. Really I am. And that you feel the way you do, too. Sometimes things just weren't meant to be, especially if you have to live a lie in order to facilitate it. Relationships are about truth, honesty, about being yourself, sharing your heart, and having that reciprocated from the one you love. You can't do that if you're already lying to yourself, much less the rest of the world.

*big hug*

I found that self acceptance was the most difficult part of my journey so far. And I am still not fully accepting of myself yet. Like you, I too, often take a few steps backwards out of guilt, shame and self doubts seeing what an affect my dealing with this life long issue is having on my wife. She knew from day one about it and has a very good understanding of what it's like being trans. Yet it all does not matter some days as she see's the male me slipping away little by little. Sometimes I think that I should to back to "being a man", stuffing and just allow myself the occasional relief of cross-dressing, which was pretty much the norm for our 30 years together. Yet, when I think about how happy, and alive, and the joy in my life I experience as Joanne, I know there is no going back to "how it was". Not completely.

I can relate to what your experiencing right now. I recently came out to my fiancé. 1st person ever. Im just starting to become me. She thinks I lied to her about who about who I am and I should of told her from the "get go". I told her "I wasn't ready to accept or acknowledge then who I was then so I couldn't and I can today that's why I telling you. I love you dearly and don't want to hurt you and thats why I want to be honest with you." 

Have you talked to a therapist yet? I had my first appointment last week after talking with him for a hour it's helped me a lot with acceptance of myself. I think it's worse keeping yourself bottled up and not being who you truly are. I feel 110% better just letting my "secret" out. keeping it in will just lead to greater depression for me at-least.  My therapist said me telling my fiancé now was the best thing rather then telling her five years down the road after we're married and possible have children. I couldn't agree more with him it's a way out for her if she wants to leave. I'm lucky to have her though because as of right now she wants to continue our future together. Deep down I have a feeling she will leave eventually though which I've prepared myself mentally for her just being my "girlfriend" rather then my lover & spouse because who knows once i get on HRT for awhile i may be straight instead of a lesbian. That's something too you may want to ask yourself.  I'm asking a lot for her to change her sexuality. 

I'm kind of on a rant now but we experiencing a similar situation. 

Thanks for the replies you've given me some valuable insights and things to consider. She allready knows im bi so thats not going to be a suprise to her at least.

She is great though, although she says she feels loss shes offered to buy me clothes and suggested wearing makeup etc, and talked about what men I find attractive..the other day she suggested I go out and find one, which really shocked me!
Im thinking it hasnt really sunk in or something and im waiting for her to freak out.

I totally agree with the other woman. This does happen but there is no going back. She is asking you about which guys you like and helping you become morevisually feminine? She knows that you will not be able to give her what she wants as a woman, unless she has lesbian desires, then things may work out.

This is also an area that therapists are very keen to talk about, as it can lead to conflict in your emotional stability. So do talk it through.

And yes sometimes life sucks.

Cindy

Quote from: Cindy James on April 21, 2012, 02:11:42 AM
I totally agree with the other woman. This does happen but there is no going back. She is asking you about which guys you like and helping you become morevisually feminine? She knows that you will not be able to give her what she wants as a woman, unless she has lesbian desires, then things may work out.

This is also an area that therapists are very keen to talk about, as it can lead to conflict in your emotional stability. So do talk it through.

And yes sometimes life sucks.

Cindy

Yeh she is pushing me a bit. She asked me the other day if i wanted a gel bra and some new clothes
She did tell me i should have told her when we first met. She said she would have helped me rather than seduced me..lol.
She's totally straight, so im out of luck there. I don't have a therapist. I need to find out how to get one. I guess the best i can hope for is to stay really good friends..I've known her since i was 15, and im 32 now. Shes the only partner I've ever had and the only person I love we were together 15 years in all. I can't imagine life without her.

I am very curious. Just why is it that she seems so interested, to the point of pushing, about your tastes or desires in men? Have you expressed such an interest to her, or is she just assuming that since you want want to wear a skirt it must be that you are desirous of men as well?

I really don't know. Im wondering why myself tbh.
When I first told her, it was because she asked me if i wanted to be a girl. Later she asked me if that was the case, why was i still interested in her? I explained that it was because i loved her.  Then later still she asked me if i liked men..I told her the truth, and said i find men attractive about the same amount as women..which is something im trying to accept still,but if im honest its true....

Once you accept yourself you will be free. What kind of a person you are has nothing to do with your gender identity.

She just may be trying to rationalize why she broke things off and is now your ex. You two seem still on friendly terms. She may be having some regrets and is looking for a reason to justify leaving you without it being directly because of your struggles. Perhaps trying to rationalize to the point of having to manufacture one to her satisfaction buy leading or pushing you further along and into directions you aren't interested in right now. Such as you obviously want to be with men so I was right to leave and give you that freedom to.

I know how easy it is to get down on yourself after a breakup. I was a complete mess after my first wife dumped me after learning the truth. Several years later a fiancee called things off and she knew all along the truth. Both for the same reason. Both first liking and eventually falling in love because "I was different from other guys". For the weeks and months afterwards I wished I could be an obnoxious overbearing controlling jealous SOB like normal guys and not have to live through another heart wrenching experience like those.

Right now my wife and I are "adjusting". A few times because of her fears I naturally over-reacted offering to stop everything because I am being an idiot. Besides seeing the male me permanently slipping away (no plans for that), often she fears that I may run off with one of the TSs in my group (I did have a history of dating MTFs), or maybe get involved with guys, just to validate myself as a woman (been there, tried that also, not for me). Honest and open communication is crucial. Sometimes it takes hours, days or even weeks to recover but the relationship winds up stronger in the end.

If my self acceptance, followed by self esteem, have not been shored up by being honest with myself and making changes in my life, I do not see how the two of us would be surviving this plus all the other crises' simultaneously affecting us. Being honest and true to yourself can be immensely difficult after spending a good portion of your life stuffing or in denial.

Self-acceptance is one thing of great importance in a functioning relationship - for BOTH that are in it.

I'm reading through these replies and one thing comes to mind - not mentioned this far...

Talking M2F, we OFTEN find in partners we can not seem to 'let go' – something I called a "proxy". An individual as WE really would like to be. The 'girl of your dreams' then is really the girl you, yourself would have liked to be.

If that is the case... and it is MY believe it is VERY often just so, then what WE think is this LOVE we feel for the other, is just one great NEED to have them next and near to us (to patch our condition).
If we 'loose' that person it feels as is half of our person is gone missing, ripped off, the pain is as if we'd get half killed in the process dealing with this - it makes us bend over backwards try every trick in the book in order to 'avoid' this loss of our "patch-up" while being MtF in male-guise.

If the separation anxiety is driven by this sort of need, it hardly is LOVE... love GIVES, love is not needy, in constant waiting to receive.
If you find a way to really LOVE your gf then you aught to have the best for HER in mind - not YOUR own neediness.

As for her supporting your notions of a possible transition... it seems to me she is finding HER way to let go, - in supporting you, and in being a friend - and NOT a needy one, as it sounds to me.

Lastly, feelings of abandonment/separation-anxiety always go back to our early years and therapy should address this - hopefully -

Thoughtful,
Axélle