A while back my mum hinted that if I ever had anything important to tell her, I should write it in a letter. I think she's been waiting for me to come out as a lesbian... which makes this some what more difficult..

My parents are both very opinionated and a little behind in the times. I've already started telling my mum about transgenders in passing... We're a loving family, but not overly close.

How should I word this letter to lessen the shock factor?

Also, are there any websites I can link them? I googled "my daughter says she's a boy?" But that only provided information for parents of little kids.

I was 41-years-old when I came out to my parents, and here are excerpts of the letter I sent.

Quote
There are some things about me I'd like to tell you about. I should warn you that they might be somewhat shocking, but they are the true and right things about me and for me.

For as long as I can remember, I've felt different.

<snip>

It would have been in my early school years, probably between the ages of five and seven, when I first had the idea of something like, "Oh, well, I was born a boy; I'll just have to be a boy." Around seventh or eighth grade, I'd begin to wish that I'd get some bizarre disease where the only possible cure would have been a "sex-change operation" as I thought of it those terms at that time.

Now, decades later, I know that the medical term for the procedure is "sex reassignment surgery," though other terms include "gender reassignment surgery" or "gender corrective surgery."

So, ... I am transitioning from male to female, from David William to Connie Anne. I've been in therapy for about a year working on this. But while it might seem like a recent decision, it's been a work in progress my whole life.

<snip>

I'm sure that this will cause some strong reactions in you, but when you've had a little time to think about it, I'm open to talk to you about it when you are ready

If you feel so inclined, I can recommend books like "Transgender History" by Susan Stryker and "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism: for Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals" by Mildred Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley. I've also heard that the book "Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not" by Joanne Herman is very good, but I haven't read that one yet. For online resources, the "Wiki" at Susan's Transgender Resources (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page) is a great source of information.

Regardless of my gender identity and physical anatomy, I will remain your offspring.

If they will look at videos, these are good. Sadly not all will show in my country, (UK). http://weblogofweeds.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/transgender-children/

The series, My Secret Self is especially good. Pt 4 is quite heart wrenching for those of us who've been there.

I should say though kyyn, if any guy can do it, you can.

.

When telling them I made sure to never use the words 'sex change'. It's generally used as a degrading term where I am from and I felt it would just frighten the life out of them. I also assured them that I was seeking proper medical help, seeing a therapist and that I would go through the proper route. I told them that I was 99% sure but I was going to take precautions to make sure it was the right decision for me.

Those are the two main things I focused on, not scaring them and assuring them I wasn't rushing into it.

As far as material I never showed them any so I can't help you there. I just told them that they could ask me any questions they had and I would answer them honestly. I did offer to give them links to information if they wanted but they both declined. You may or may not find that with your parents, I think mine were in denial and so the last thing they wanted was to read about it.

Quote from: Kyyn on April 25, 2012, 10:10:07 AM
A while back my mum hinted that if I ever had anything important to tell her, I should write it in a letter. I think she's been waiting for me to come out as a lesbian... which makes this some what more difficult..

My parents are both very opinionated and a little behind in the times. I've already started telling my mum about transgenders in passing... We're a loving family, but not overly close.

How should I word this letter to lessen the shock factor?

Also, are there any websites I can link them? I googled "my daughter says she's a boy?" But that only provided information for parents of little kids.

I also want to tell my mom, but how ... Until I'm afraid of her reaction, but now since I was 16 years (I'm 23 now) I look at women's clothing when I go shopping ... From my 16 years I feel a woman, and when I'm alone because I just like a woman ... it's what makes me happy ... But how shall I say comprehensively?? I say that I live in the wrong body and that I want change sex, but not stop being her son and not let a human being, just wanna be what I feel ... and my family will hate me but I will not stop being who I am ... Because neither the family or friends understand ... I wish they had the same skin that I think two times and did what was right!

Reis89,

Saying I was in the wrong body is pretty much what I did when I came out. When I was picking out my name in January 2011, I was also choosing last names in the event my family of origin rejected me. I came to the conclusion that if my family was going to hate me I had to just let that happen. I had to be me.

What has worked for me won't necessarily work for everyone else. Unfortunately, it seems the that only way to find out who would be our your side is to come out.

I think it's stupid to hate the family that we are mentally and exterior must be corrected for us to feel better ... The family has to accept what we really are, we will not fail to belong to the family, we will not stop being human. Changing sex .. because we feel in the wrong body is how to fix something that is evil, how to get the teeth, dental implants or to make a simple surgery to correct what is wrong ... There are people so judgmental! That's why I'm afraid to tell because it was all so simple ... It's just a change to reverse the penis in a vagina, but I think the family humbles himself because everyone gets to know and speak much more than successful, and reason that this person has changed sex, being gay ... but not for being gay or not, these people have nothing to do!
Transsexuals never but never cease to be human beings like us ... I say no to prejudice!

PS - Before you take my sexuality and contribute to my happiness than being a criminal, murderer, drug dealer, pedophile, etc etc etc..

 Here is how I did it:


* Start off your letter in a rather casual way, but use carefully chosen words to hint at the seriousness of the situation and your genuineness in writing your letter.

* Often repeat and recite your love (unless you have troubles with them, then at least respect) for them and make sure to include that no matter what, they are still your parents and you will love/respect them.

* With a delicate opening instead of blatantly declaring your gender, talk about your feelings before you were even aware of the term transsexual/transgender. Make sure to go into great detail so that your parents could establish an indirect emotional connection with you. Add all of the events and encounters you have experienced, in the order of MOST SUBTLE to VERY CLEAR. This way, you're testing the water for your parents instead of tossing them in there.

* Don't forget to keep telling them you love/respect them!

* Tell them the big news. Don't hold back, just do it. This is the part where you really have to watch what you write. Don't say things like "I think" or "I hope" or anything else of the sort that immediately weakens your position.

* One final "I love you."


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  When you're done with the letter and are about to give it to them, make sure to sit them BOTH down in ONE are, like the kitchen table. While you are instructing them to do so, verbally prepare them for the tension. Emphasize the absolute importance of what you're about the reveal, and only give them the letter once the initial tension (most likely from their curiosity and confusion) dies down enough.

It's okay to be scared. Heck, I cried. But, no matter what you're feeling, stand strong and don't falter from your position. C:


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I hope things go well for you!

Quote from: TessaM on April 26, 2012, 08:07:10 AM
Be sure to have a lot of information at hand so you can answer all of their questions.

Yeah.. my boyfriend talked me out of telling them just yet.
Because of how they are, it's more important that I am resolved, determined and have an answer to all the questions they might have for me - or they'll just dismiss it. It took me 8 years to convince them to let me be a cartoonist without challenge!
So it's upsetting, but I'm not going to be selfish. I'll wait a year or so and start counselling so I can show them how serious I am.

I gave the PFLAG booklet to a couple people, and while I didn't like all of the tone and the wording, it did seem to really help. There's a pdf on this page - http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=380

Some stories and other stuff -

http://->-bleeped-<-gotboi.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/before-you-tell-your-parents-youre-transgender/
http://tgmentalhealth.com/2009/12/26/thoughts-on-coming-out-as-transgender-to-family/
http://artoftransliness.tumblr.com/post/6749855914/coming-out-to-parents-as-trans