My name's Troy, and I feel like my whole life is a strange kind of journey. I've been swept off my feet several times by depression and anxiety while trying to find my way through the world. I guess I need some help from a supporting community to figure out where I'm going.
It's been almost three years I've been aware of struggling with my gender identity, and it's been getting harder as I go. I'm nineteen years old and a freshman in college, and I present as male to all of my classmates. Because I go to a liberal arts school in the northwest, nobody particularly cares that my body looks incredibly feminine. Which is good because I'm way too nervous to start on hormones. I don't know how I'd feel about the effects of testosterone because I am unsure whether I identify as FTM or androgyne. This is problematic as my body as is makes me incredibly depressed and on occasion suicidal. I am working through these feelings with a therapist who works almost exclusively with trans patients. I think this week I am going to ask her if we can spend some time talking about my feelings towards potentially going on T. Because my body dysphoria has gotten really bad.
The only reason I haven't started hormones yet is because I'm afraid I'll regret it later in life.
I guess what I'm hoping to find here is a group of people who will support me in my exploration of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Because it's dangerous to go out there alone, and I could really use some help.

(Also the verification questions really stumped me for a minute, because apparently I cannot count to three to find the third word in a list and immediately jump to the fourth)

Welcome, Troy.

I think you'll find that there are others here in a situation similar to yours. When I first came here, I identified as a crossdresser, then androgyne, then genderfluid, and finally MtF. It took me time to figure out my gender identity, and I started transitioning at age 41.

Jump in and look around.

If you haven't already done so, please review the site rules and terms of service.

Enjoy your stay!

I am also 19 and have been in the closet for several years but I finally came out because I couldn't stand it anymore. I too thought about the hormones and how it would effect me later on and what if I wanted to be a female in the future...but the depression and anxiety were too much and its just not me. For me, it's not an option, its something I need to do to carry on my life and that is something you must decide for yourself. If you feel that you're not ready for it yet then don't rush into it, you have time because this is your life and you need to decide what is best for you.

Hi troyboi and welcome from southern California.

Seeing a therapist is a great start.  College is a good place for gender experimentation.

Don't let your depression overwhelm you. Indeed, genderfluidity can help you cope with that.

Be what you want to be!

Hi and welcome from the other side of the pond. 
I don't know how it neccessarily works for the guys, but within a couple of days of starting HRT my depression vanished for the first time in 40+ years, rather than receding into the background.  Hopefully T will have a similar effect for you.

Uni is a great place to do anything a bit different, especially if you are attending an Arts uni.  Most people are too obsessed with their studies to see anything else anyway.  That has been my experience since starting my BA as a mature student.   If anyone notices anything, it is just that I am an older dyke.

Hang in there, it will get a lot better.

Karen.

Hi Troy, it's nice to meet you! I live near Boston. We're glad you joined our family here. See you around the site. Hugs, Devlyn

Welcome, Troy! You've come to a good place, full of friendly people and good information. And fun besides!

So glad you're here, Troy! There's a lot of us newbies. Counseling can be super helpful, definitely pursue that if it's helping you. The more open you are with your counselor, the more he/she can help you.
The verification questions messed me up for a while too!
Just take things at your own pace; the journey is important- just like it was for Frodo!

A LOTR reference! I love it!

Hi Troy-

There's no reason why you can't try a low dose to start with and see how you feel with that.  I know some who've tried and gone back, and others who've kept going.  The question is how long do you want to wait before finding out?  I waited a long time, but I'm grateful for finally having taken the plunge.

S.

Welcome Troy,it's nice to meet you.Hugs,Rachael.

Hi Troy - Yay LOTR.   Take as much time as you need figuring things out. There's a lot of good folks here, posts to read, siilliness to blow off steam with, etc etc etc.

Hi Troy

Welcome from Australia. Uni is a great place to test any waters you wish. Just take your time. I know it all seems to be a rush but there is no race and no timetable, and no rules of how you want to be. And we have every member of the spectra here and they are all family, as you are.

Hugs

Cindy

These Tolkien references are hobbit forming! Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you all for the warm welcome.
I think I need to ask my therapist about testosterone and start talking about it like a serious option. We haven't discussed it yet, but I think that given my depression levels of late it is something I need to explore as a possibility.

Re LOTR: I have to confess I've never read the original trilogy (got about a sixth of the way through book 1), but love the Hobbit, and enjoyed the movies. I really wanna get to the point of reading the books some day, but with my adhd it's really hard.

I really look forward to getting to know y'all

Quote from: troyboi on April 26, 2012, 02:01:55 PM
Thank you all for the warm welcome.
I think I need to ask my therapist about testosterone and start talking about it like a serious option. We haven't discussed it yet, but I think that given my depression levels of late it is something I need to explore as a possibility.

Re LOTR: I have to confess I've never read the original trilogy (got about a sixth of the way through book 1), but love the Hobbit, and enjoyed the movies. I really wanna get to the point of reading the books some day, but with my adhd it's really hard.
I really look forward to getting to know y'all

lol I understand. For some reason ADD and old english don't mix well ^.^ but we can still be elvish at heart.

December 14th - countdown to the Hobbit movie. Short guys'll be all the rage - just you wait!

Quote from: MrTesto on April 27, 2012, 01:57:19 AM
December 14th - countdown to the Hobbit movie. Short guys'll be all the rage - just you wait!

That is, if they don't postpone it again ><

Hi troy and welcome. Many of us have been where you are. It's great that you're seeing a therapist to help sort things out. Please feel free to ask any questions that you may have.