I don't know maybe im crazy maybe i need to vent maybe its just hormones, my life, but I just need to vent and one question has been staying on my mind.
Is it really worth it?
Is all the time the money the hormones the surgery worth it. I know in my mind part of me say yes with out thinking but,... whats the point of doing this, this huge long process when i know that if tomorrow i wore any piece of girl clothing that my mom would be the happiest person in the world she wouldn't fight with me or maybe when she drinks to much tonight i won't get screamed at or called a social freak or get kicked out or the house then ill be told how beautiful i am every 2 seconds with girl clothes on or told by my sister that i have no friends or life and then maybe just maybe my mom wouldn't drink so much because i cause so much strain n her and that combined with my dad dying i fear that one day i will put her over the edge, one day when she leaves for a hotel and i have no food or money that maybe she won't come back and when she does normally she still wont care that i haven't eaten for 2 days and that she seems to just accept that i will forgive her the morning after she acts as if nothing happened or just by putting up this act of being girly that maybe the next time i get beat up the school will actually care instead of telling me to expect because of the way im am as in ho i dress and such ( im not out to anyone)  its hard to be the lead of the house and clean and do the bills and make sure everythings fine but then why me? why should i have to deal with this also is it really worth it to make myself happy when I know that everything would be be better if i was just normal or at least acted like it i mean maybe not best for me emotionally but just best for everyone else
sigh' ... i dont know i just really needed to let that out... badly

if it's worth it, I can't answer that, only yourself can do so.
We all have diffrent life, what's worth something too you, is meaningless to me,
or said more clearly, "one mans trash is another mans tresure.."

but I think your blaming yourself too much on being normal, being normal dosent mean to be without problems, neither dose it mean to end the problems nessesarry.
your mom drinking because your abnormal, do you think she would stop drinking if you where normal? it might not make the change and I personally feel it stupid to connect cause those isnt nearly conencted.

I know we used to put things up like that, We used to belive so but I doubt.
I used to feel blamed, but since I got more happy I also grew to be able to do more as a person, and I feel that alone makes people more happy than before, because I can do and show much more and isnt just loocked in a room.

I guess I might be harsh, but people who are happy for other peoples sadness,
dosen't really get a taste what real happyness is in connect to that person.

It might be new, and hard, and everything is confussing, but it will takes time and then things should get in place.

That's up to you.

Personally it's all worth it for me.
People can like it or not, it won't change anything.
I'm doing this for my own happiness, not anyone else's.
Life's to short to live for others.

Quote from: JustThatWeirdKid on April 29, 2012, 08:51:54 AM
I don't know maybe im crazy maybe i need to vent maybe its just hormones, my life, but I just need to vent and one question has been staying on my mind.
Is it really worth it?
Is all the time the money the hormones the surgery worth it. I know in my mind part of me say yes with out thinking but,... whats the point of doing this, this huge long process when i know that if tomorrow i wore any piece of girl clothing that my mom would be the happiest person in the world she wouldn't fight with me or maybe when she drinks to much tonight i won't get screamed at or called a social freak or get kicked out or the house then ill be told how beautiful i am every 2 seconds with girl clothes on or told by my sister that i have no friends or life and then maybe just maybe my mom wouldn't drink so much because i cause so much strain n her and that combined with my dad dying i fear that one day i will put her over the edge, one day when she leaves for a hotel and i have no food or money that maybe she won't come back and when she does normally she still wont care that i haven't eaten for 2 days and that she seems to just accept that i will forgive her the morning after she acts as if nothing happened or just by putting up this act of being girly that maybe the next time i get beat up the school will actually care instead of telling me to expect because of the way im am as in ho i dress and such ( im not out to anyone)  its hard to be the lead of the house and clean and do the bills and make sure everythings fine but then why me? why should i have to deal with this also is it really worth it to make myself happy when I know that everything would be be better if i was just normal or at least acted like it i mean maybe not best for me emotionally but just best for everyone elsesigh' ... i dont know i just really needed to let that out... badly

When I was your age I felt the same way, and reading this was a flashback to my own teen years. As someone who grew up in a very unstable house, I can tell you that your mother's drinking is not your fault. I used to blame myself for my mothers crazy 3 day benders and her meth addiction. It is difficult when you have a parent that has a substance abuse problem. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that my mother was responsible, and my "oddness" had nothing to do with her addictions. She used to tell me it was my fault, that because I wasn't "normal" like her only "daughter" should be, she had to drink and do her meth to "escape the pain". My father was emotionally abusive to an extreme, and I used to think it was my fault as well. He would get angry at my mother or at my failure to conform to what he expected, he would throw out any article of male clothing I have, and the one time he found out I was binding at school he took me to buy push up bras. If my parents were doing these things to me, it had to be my fault, right? I would beat myself up over it, intentionally inflict harm on myself to punish myself for a percieved wrong that I had committed.

Is it worth it to transition? That is something only you can answer. I didn't think I ever could, but I made the choice to. My parents issues have nothing to do with anything I did. I never asked them to have me. I never offered my mother a needle, bottle, or a card for her lines. I never asked my father to call me a freak. They chose to do those things. Just like your mother. She makes that choice. I am know it is hard to believe, I wouldn't have until I saw it. Even after I left home, when I was gone, she blamed my little brother for driving her to drink and get high. The brother was on the soccer team, had straight A's, always did his chores, never talked back, and was popular, funny and considerate. It doesn't matter what you try to be, because the issues are out of your control.

It hurts me to know that someone else is going through the same things that I did as a kid. All I can say is it isn't your fault, and it never will be. At the end of the day, you are only responsible for your choices. I hope that things get easier for you. If you ever need someone to vent to, I can try to offer advice. You're the same age as my middle brother, so I don't think I am too old yet. I can still be pretty groovy. Do kids even say groovy?

I know I'm a guy, so going through everything to make my outside represent that, yeah, I would say it's worth it.
Now, you need to decide if that's how you feel about yourself, because if it is, it shouldn't matter how pretty people think you are in "girl form".

For me this is like "Do you want a life or do you want to live in your parents basement and hide in your closet for the rest of your life?"

Your mom's problems are not your fault. She is the adult. Her problems are her responsibility.
It's the same with anyone else who hurts you. Their problems are their responsibility. Not yours.
You cannot solve their problems no matter who you pretend to be. What you can do is take care of yourself as best you can. That includes emotionally and being true to yourself.

Quote from: JustThatWeirdKid on April 29, 2012, 08:51:54 AM
Is it really worth it?

You're really worth it.

Understand that nothing lasts forever. You don't have to do all your planning based on your current situation.

I will only repeat what was posted above.  Other people are responsible for their choices, you are not making them do anything, short of holding a gun to their head. 

If they choose to dodge their responsibilities, and blame others, they are just showing that they will spend the rest of their life being buffeted by life and never really be in control of their own lives.  You, on the other hand, are taking seriously probably the biggest decision of your life.  I think I can tell who is the adult.

You have a lot of time to gather information and make decisions.

Karen.