Hello all,
I am still very early in the process of coming out (even to myself). I am 19 going on 20 and I am (gulp) 6'6" tall, and I have known for a long time that I have wanted to be female. Growing up, my mother would tell me horror stories about how my father was going to beat my ass when he got home from work, and this quickly made me fear my father. I am the youngest of 6 kids in my family, and my dad was what my mom called a 'workaholic', but now I know that he HAD to work that much because my mom didn't have a job, and there was... 6 of us kids to take care of.

I remember being really young (5-6 years old), and going to the mall with my mother and being in the female clothing section when my mom told me something that I remember word for word, she said, "Do you ever wish you were born as a girl? You could wear all of these pretty clothes and makeup and just feel pretty. I though you were going to be a girl before you were born, we had a girl name picked out for you, and even had girl clothing, but when you were born, you were a boy. We didn't have a boy name picked out for you, and your first baby picture was taken in a pink onesie because that is all we had."

Recently I found out that my mother is very manipulative (still love her to death), and tried to make me fear my dad so I would always go to her and not him. I live with my dad while I am going to college. He is very loving, very compassionate, very endearing. He is my safest bet right now to come out to as far as family goes, for I have come out to two of my most trusted female best friends.

I have tried to study up on as much information I can, but I still can not find anything on why trans people are trans. I once thought, when I was more naive, that being trans was from being raised a certain way, then I thought it was caused while you were in the womb. Right now, I don't care why I am a female in a male body, all I care about is being the gender I was supposed to be.

I was scared of my dad up until the first time I saw him cry, when I was 13. When I was 13, one of my brothers had committed suicide. He was my closest sibling, and we did everything together.

My brother was around the age I am now when he died, and he became a vegetarian and lost a lot of weight and stopped working out about 2 months before he died. My brother never said anything about why he was depressed, and I know all of the women that he has been with personally. My brother was very very good looking and almost as tall as I am now (6'3").

He lost so much weight so fast that it scared my parents, but it was too late to help him by the time they acted. I don't know why my brother did what he did, but if being trans is something that COULD come from genetics, then there might be a chance that he was trans and didn't know how he could come out.

I suffer from depression (I thought it was stemmed from the loss of my brother, but have found out that I suffered from depression before he died), and I really want to come out to my family, but I do not want to pull the, "If I don't do this, I will die. Would you rather have me, your brother/son, dead because you didn't support him, or would you prefer having your sister/daughter live and be happy because you believed in her." Although I do not want to pull that card, it is true. there has been several times I have tried to commit suicide, and my father is the only one in my family that knows this except for my oldest brother and my best friend.

I say this because I also have been losing a lot of weight, running every day, slimming workouts, and am on a strict diet. Threw out all of my soda and junk foods, and I am strongly considering becoming a vegetarian to try to get to my desired weight.

I am tall, 6'6" as I stated before, and have been over weight since my brother died (food was one of the ways of dealing with his death). I am not obese, and when I bring up to my co-workers that I am fat, they just laugh at me... But I hate my gut and I am tired of being over weight.

I know I am tall, But I am hoping that once I slim down to my desired weight now (flat tummy, smaller thighs, less face fat), before I start hormones, I can see my bone structure better then make the decision them. My only hopes now is that my shoulders won't be too broad, and maybe I can pull off the model look, though I would enjoy being able to wear heels... but the more and more I think about it, the more and more I think it will not be a good decision at all.

I have not started taking pictures yet, but I feel once I start seeing the results myself, then I will be more confident in coming out or even going through. I don't see a point of transitioning from a depressed male to a depressed female (if I can't pass as a female). I know some tall women, almost as tall as me... and man... are they drop... dead... gorgeous...

I would like to get to know all of you because I think know you will be able to help me through out my transition.

I really would like to have kids, so naturally becoming sterile makes me very concerned. though there is always the option of having some of my sperm frozen and have it artificially inseminated in someone I trust. But I hear that can become quite expensive.

I am not ready to have a kid now... But I am ready to transition now, so this poses a problem to me.

Becoming sterile is my one and only concern to transitioning, besides not being able to pass as a female.

I am a physics major in college, but during my soul search I found out that I might be more happy if I switched my major to art, (big jump eh? I have always been very artistic and imaginative).

I would like to start posting pictures of my journey, pre-hormone.
I hope I can get skinny enough to pass as a legitimate female. 

I have lost a lot of weight, was 276 lbs before I started my diet and workouts, and I am now at 242 lbs and still shrinking. I have never been able to stick with a work out regimen or a diet before in my life, but this is something I truly want, and my best friend told me that having a picture of your end result and putting it in an area that you will see every day will motivate you to work out and lose weight, and put down the fork!
He has a picture of George Clooney in his fridge, where I have pictures of (gulp), Scarlett Johansson, all over my room and computer, and my dad never asks questions other than, "You must really think she is beautiful, huh?"
I am not gay, and my parents do not think that I am gay... I just hope I tell them I wish to transition before they find all of my moisturizers ...

Also, if any of you have tips on workouts I can do (on top of running, and some feminizing workouts I learned from my female friends, i.e. inverted push ups, dead lift squat, cough bridge, and lateral step ups.) it would be most appreciated.

Please ask me questions, to not only boost my confidence, but to help me convince myself that I can make it. It will make it easier for me if you ask questions, and maybe I will get confident enough to post pictures of my journey.
I am also hoping that once I get to my desired weight before I start the transition, it will be easier to convince my family this is what I need.

Welcome to the site, hon. It's good to meet you.

If you want a picture of an end result for your diet and excersising regime, how about Alyssa DeHaan? She's 6'9", and very pretty.



I think that if you own your height and carry yourself as though it's perfectly natural, then height becomes very much a non-issue in terms of passing. If you've got it, flaunt it, as it were.

I very much agree with your philosophy about being trans. You can drive yourself mad trying to figure out the hows and why's of it all. Sometimes it's better just to get on with being.

As for having kids, if you decide that having your sperm frozen isn't appropriate for you then you could always adopt later on maybe? Is that something you would consider?

The only other thing I would say is that if you're sure that you're female, if it's what your heart tells you, then you already are legitimate, so with regard to passing, you can't fail. *hug*

I thank you for your response, and as I was reading I actually started crying. Recently all of my thoughts on my transition have been negative, and I never thought I would even want to continue. I love that you went out of your way to find something that would comfort a complete stranger you have never met. You may have saved my life, and I do not wish to say that prematurely.

As I was typing my 'life story', I was considering giving up on my wishes, and either living my life as a depressed male or not being alive at all.

Adoption would be a possibility, but my one hiccup on adoption is that it wont be genetically my child, but in the long run, do I really want to continue my genetic line?

I want a son, a genetic son, one that I can honor my brothers life and what he meant to me while I was growing up, but I would not form his life to by my brothers life. I want to name him after my brother, and I think that would bring a lot of closure to me.

Once I get my genetic son, then I would be very proud to adopt. But beggars can't be choosers, eh?

Like I stated in the original post, I know several females that are around my height that are angelically beautiful, but I think all females are beautiful. Could that be jealousy? I don't know.

I love being tall... as a male. I am just not so sure about being this tall as a female... up until I got some encouragement!  !!! Thank you!

I also want to thank you on your comment about passing as a legitimate female. I am happy that you made me look at it from a different angle.

I am going this to correct the injustice that has plagued me for nearly 20 years.

Well, if you feel strongly enough about having a child of your own flesh and blood, hon, then... reading how you feel with regard to your brother, maybe the expense is worth it.

I had a look online for you, and found something that may interest you.

http://www.spermbankcalifornia.com/sperm-cryopreservation.html

The costs don't seem that astronomical, and they say that it can stay viable for years, so maybe that's something worth looking into?

Never give up on your dreams, hon. If you don't have those, you don't have anything. I believe in you, even though I've never met you. That you've shown the courage to question who you are and how you want to be... that shows the potential within you to realise your hopes. *extra hug* Go for it.

Welcome, TallGirl, from sunny southern California.

I am, reading between the lines, but it seems you are already in, or have been in, some sort of therapy related to the regrettable passing of your brother. and other issues.

That's a good start.  Have you discussed your gender issues with your therapist?

I don't think anybody has a good handle on what "causes" GID or, as I prefer, ->-bleeped-<-.  I suspect it has several inter-related causes.  I think, in the future, we will find out much of it had to do with fetal brain development.

Anyway, Sephirah is spot on.

And I want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and questions.  We have a number of posters here who are in the late-teens and early-20s.  Stick around, read, discuss, ask questions, participate.  You will learn a lot.  Susan's is in many ways a support group in itself.

There is a word for us statuesque girls, Glamazon!  I think if you have it flaunt it. I am 6'2" myself.
Just don't overdo the weight loss, as it is what gives us our curves.  Once you start HRT the fat starts to settle in more appropriate places. 

Karen.

Thank you for posting,
Yes, Jamie, I have had some therapy to deal with the loss of my brother. I have not moved on and never will for I do not seek to move on, I do still love him with all my heart and all. But I have accepted he is gone, and I can go several weeks without holding his portrait in my arms and fall asleep. I am at a comfortable place with the loss of my brother, I can look back and remember all of the goods (and bads), I also know that he IS in a better place, and if anyone says otherwise... I have a lot of force behind a punch, being as tall as I am... just saying...

I love that I can finally, openly, talk about my feelings, and needs, and wishes... All without being judged. My friends I have come out to were surprised, because I do not act feminine, and have had several girl friends. I mainly so not act feminine, because I do not want my family to think I am gay, (not that there is anything wrong with being gay, which there isn't, it would just make my life easier if they didn't think that.)

My only fears right now are coming out, and being able to feel comfortable in my tall body... But I am super jealous of shorter women that can wear heels and get away with it.

We are all human. 'Nuff said 

I am not currently seeing a therapist, and I have not mentioned any gender issues I have had with any of my therapists.
I wish I could start therapy, but do not wish to drive the 5 hours to Denver every time I want to talk to a therapist that is experienced in this situation. I live in Western Colorado. I love it here, but there is a lack of gender identity therapists here.
I am not saying that I would not be willing to make the trek if I had the chance, but as of right now, money is a problem.

Thank you for your concern Karen,
I am not looking for the bony look by any means. Being as tall as I am, I have a lot of weight from not being too fatty. My gut is still an issue for me, that and my thighs. I keep looking at my face, and I do not think I have too terribly strong masculine features, and I know that the face changes a lot with hormone treatment. I want to be able to look at my body and say, "I can pull of skin tight clothes, and feel comfortable." before I start hormones.

I agree (at a mere 6'3") - we Amazonians need to walk proud! Every day I see young women who are as tall as me, each generation gets taller (must be all the growth hormones in the burgers).

I remember from being a teenager what it's like being taller than everyone else (I was this height at 12) and how tempting it is to round your shoulders and try to hide. Don't do it. Body and mind are intertwined - if your posture reflects your inner confidence, it'll also reinforce it, and vice versa.

Hi Tall Girl,

Welcome honey, I'll just post a copy of the rules links and then have a chat if I may.


Hi, and welcome to Susan's! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way   

Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.


•   Site Terms of Service and rules to live by are in the announcement area and include:
•   Standard Terms and Definitions
•   Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos)
•   Age and the Forum
•   Reputation rules
Feel free to post and discuss anything within the rules, if you make a mistake, don't panic, report it to a Mod, there is a button to the right of your post.
If a post upsets, or is insulting to you report it to a Mod. Do not take action yourself. We are here to help you and maintain the site for all.
Our mission is to be a support site for gender dysmorphic people of any situation, so feel at home and feel comfortable. You are now family.


You have had a really rough time and that will impact on everything. To be honest I think you are a remarkable woman to keep it all together so well. Yes a therapist will def help but obviously travel and money is an issue.

You have identified a few 'body issue' problems, work on them, a good healthy diet will work wonders and loose weight and bring your skin up to a better place. Moisturiser, cleanser, you can get from the local store. Start to pamper and enjoy yourself, look for positive not negatives.  You are 6' 6" beautiful. Guys go apes**t over tall leggy woman. With heels you can dominate a room, all you need is a smile and there will be guys drooling and woman jealous as Hell.

There is nothing wrong with your sexuality, if you like woman fine, if you like guys fine, if you like neither fine. We can lock ourselves into little boxes that mean nothing. We as individuals are just that, individuals.

I think, and this is just my opinion, is that you do need to start to move forward. The loss of your brother would have been devastating. I know, my younger sister killed herself. I carried my grief for ever, until I realised that I loved her, it released me. I love her every day and all ways will. But I live my life and she has her death and both of us have to accept that. Love is being strong and taking on the hard stuff, anyone who says love is the wishy washy romance crap, has never loved. Love is hard work. Maybe that is also reflected in your parents relationships.

Your brother would want you to move forward.

Hugs, welcome  and Love

Cindy

Thank you all for your support, each and every one of you has helped a lot just in this short period of time.

The way I look at it, accepting and moving on are different things for me. When I say I don't want to move on, what I mean is that I don't want to forget his voice, or his sense of humor, or any intangible characteristic I can no longer experience. When I say that I have accepted him leaving, I am not saying that I am happy that he is gone. What I mean is that I am happy he is not suffering anymore. Right after his death, all I could think about was getting in a time machine to go back in time to save my brother, but I know now that it would not have helped, because I am who I am, he is who he is, and trying to change anything from the past is not good.

I love him, and know that he is in a better place, and the times that I really do have to hold his picture tight is not because I am grieving, I am just trying to stay close to him in my own ways. I have dreams where I would hug my brother and never let him go.

I know he would want me to do anything to make me happy, especially if it takes me away from taking myself out of 'lifes equation'.

My high school physics teacher, and my college physics professors say that I have one of the strongest grasps of science they have seen in any other person before. I love physics, and I would never keep myself from achieving 'What could be."

I love art as well, and love to draw... a lot...
I may not be very good, but I like to think I am making progress.

Nothing would make me happier in the world right now if I could get my family behind me in my transition.
I want to feel 'pretty' rather than 'handsome'

Honey,

I hope I didn't trigger bad thoughts, I certainly didn't mean too.


The fun thing about science is that it is asexual. It is a great career for TG people because no one really cares. I have been totally accepted and I am a career scientist.

Oh I'm 5'9'' I always wear 4" heels, I do not give s**t what people think. It is their problem, not mine. After all its what is between your legs and not between your ears that is important to men. Whoops had my hair dyed today, having a blonde moment. Just a joke.

Cindy

Cindy, you did nothing to trigger any bad thoughts in my mind. I was just clarifying because I misunderstood what you wrote and thought you told me that I still have to move on. That, I still get touchy about, but after going back and reading what you wrote carefully makes me feel better.

I love physics, and I hope to get my degree, but most recently (around the time I really decided to follow my dreams), I have been more and more interested in Art... More than ever actually.

I already love it here, for it has given me more confidence in one night than I have gathered in years on this topic.
I already feel more comfortable, and one step closer to coming out to my family.

Earlier, when I had stated that I was not gay, what I meant was that the thought my myself and another man would not have been what I wanted, and it stopped there.
Now that I have been trying to think more like a girl, and I know once I start hormones, there is a great change that my sexuality will change. I read stories and accounts where strait people transition, and when they were in their desired role, you would expect most of them to be 'gay or lesbian', but after the transition was finished or at a comfortable position, their sexuality changed and they are strait.
After reading many stories where this is the case, and accepting truly who I am, and am starting to think more like a female, I wouldn't say no to a male partner.

Honey

Your sexual preference is yours alone.  There is nothing wrong with any option. I happen to like guys, boring useless ->-bleeped-<-s that most of then are. Karen, who I know well, likes woman,  she is a lesbian and very happy. I have many female friends, having sex with a female is not for me. having sex with a guy excites me, sorry l I'll leave it at that.

There are no rules. I love Karen, she is a close friend, she is a very close female friend.

There has been no change in our sexuality, She likes woman and I like guys. I have to admit that  I don't feel Gay. I feel totally heterosexual., I'm a woman who likes men. She is a woman who likes women. Not really one of the biggest problems in the Universe.

Where do you want to go?

There is one thing I know.
There is never anyway of going back.

You can destroy your computer, you can erase what you want from different drives.

You will still remember me and others on the site.

There is never anyway of going back.

  We go forward, only way to go.

But we do make the descions, and the timing.

Hugs
Cindy

The first day I went to work as Cindy, what happened.?

There was no way of undoing the Genie.


Go to work the next day in boy clothes and say it was a joke? Not a chance.

I don't keep trying to put myself in that situation, and as always I just dig myself deeper and deeper into this hole about this conversation.
Basically what I am saying is, I am not worried about a damned thing. I just want to be me.

I have been doing some looking around for a therapist that has experience with gender correction, and the closest one to me that I can find is in Colorado Springs, and that is a 4 and a half hour drive from here. I have plenty or free time when I am not in class or at work, and I tend to be on the computer.

The more and more I read what you all write, the more and more I just want to walk up to my dad and say, "Dad, I need to talk to you, ~" but that is as far as I can get in my head... I don't know where to go from there.

My dad is helping me go to school and letting me stay at his house so I can focus on my studies, and I think he would look at this as an excuse to take advantage of letting me stay with me.

I wish I was self dependent, because it would be easier for me to come out if I was not living with him. I don't I could find another job right now that allows me to go to school full time like I am, let alone one that will work with a work schedule.

Right now I am trying to focus on getting to my goal weight so I can get some confidence and say, "I can do this!"

Quote from: ThatTallGirl on May 03, 2012, 05:58:44 AM
Right now I am trying to focus on getting to my goal weight so I can get some confidence and say, "I can do this!"

That sounds like a good idea. Take it one step at a time. There's no rush or time limit. The important thing is to have a goal. Something to work towards. Everything is part of the bigger picture, just... make that bigger picture into a slide show instead.

I really need to take pictures don't I? I really wish I had more than a crappy phone camera. My dad has several cameras, but I do not want to risk him picking one up and looking through the pictures the day I forget to clear them off and onto my computer.

Sometimes I wish he would just catch me in the act some time because I always find it easier to confess to something on the spot, but I am not sure how he, or I, would react in a situation like this.

I have been moisturizing every morning after my shower and every night after my second shower (yes... I am a 2-a-day shower taker), and it is something I have never done past my hands or up my arms. I have noticed a huge change in the softness in my skin, and with the little weight I have lost so far, my legs are starting to get a good feminine look to them from the running.

I am a huge Star Wars fan, that will never change. I have a tattoo of a Jawa on the side of my left calf. I love it, and I don't have any regrets on getting it. I will, however, be a little more self conscious about my legs if I ever want to show them off.

I have been working really hard because I truly have never wanted anything more in my life before.
I am new to a lot of the feminine concepts, like the do's and donts of exfoliation on the face, and on the backs of my arms (to help with red spots)
I do not have any acne scars on my face, but I am scared about of other places of my body, like my shoulders and my back...

I also want to get rid of my freckles! I have way too many. I like some, but woah! I sure do have a lot of those buggers. 
I am also hoping, that when I start hormones, that my feet will become softer and less masculine looking, and I am not afraid of my hands so much because I never did hard labor like my father or my brothers. They are all nice and soft and a little smaller than most people around my size. Just the fingers are a little chubby.

I don't have a very visible Adam's Apple, nothing compared to some of the people I know, and I think with a lot of my face chubbiness gone, I can very easily have a feminine face.

Thinking back on my childhood now, I always hated getting haircuts and sometimes my hair would go down to my shoulders. And genetically when mine and my brothers hair gets to a certain length, (i.e. 4-5 inches) it start to get large curls. And with a full head of well kept soft hair, I think that genetic will play in my favor.

I really need to start working on my voice and maybe a walk or some other things. I also want to work on my lips a little, because... I LOVE lips... I always would fall in love with my girl friends. They would have beautiful bodies, curves and features... But it was their lips that made me go crazy. And when I would take them dancing, they would put on a little lip gloss or lip stick and I wouldn't let them go the whole time we were out.

I had a knee injury a few years back (freak physics accident) and ever since then, my knee and ankle pop every time I take a step. That is something I would will go away, hopefully when I lose more weight.

I played a lot of basketball and baseball in high school, so I tended to workout out my shoulders a little more than the rest of my body so I could throw further, shoot a three pointer, swing the bat, etc etc etc...

It is hardly noticeable now... with my shirt on. If I don't have my shirt on, I can really tell that I still have some shoulder/neck muscle.

I need to buy sunscreen and I need to start applying it every day and maybe getting a little sun, because I am a bit of a computer nerd. (Just built my newest PC 2 weeks ago! WOOHOO!) and I do not get out into the sun that much.

I know that sunscreen is very important and should be applied 365 days a year, but I never gave it much thought. Now all I want to do is protect my face, and start exfoliating, moisturizing, and sun blocking; and heck, if I get a little tan on the way, then its just a bonus! 

I can probably deal with a little amount of freckles on the face, but the tops of my shoulders are COVERED in those little rascals.

Cindy summed things up pretty well, as always.    It sounds like you are doing pretty well actually, with what you have had to cope with.  The fact that you are still here typing shows that you are tough, a warrior woman.

We are who we are, and if the rest of the world doesn't want to know, that's their look out.

Sunblock is good.  I use it a lot here, due to the ozone layer hole over the Antarctic, Tasmania has higher UV exposure than the rest of the country, even though it is a lot cooler.  Which will bring out all the Tasmanian jokes from the rest of the Aussies here, as usual. Won't it Cindy!

Is it possible to get consultations via Skype or even the phone where you are?  There are quite a few psych's using Skype here apparently.  That could be a way to go.

Karen.

That would be wonderful for me in so many ways. I know hormones can get expensive (for a college student that is) and I would like to start saving up immediately, and also start saving money for electrolysis.

Quote from: ThatTallGirl on May 03, 2012, 03:49:29 AM
I am not currently seeing a therapist, and I have not mentioned any gender issues I have had with any of my therapists.
I wish I could start therapy, but do not wish to drive the 5 hours to Denver every time I want to talk to a therapist that is experienced in this situation. I live in Western Colorado. I love it here, but there is a lack of gender identity therapists here.
I am not saying that I would not be willing to make the trek if I had the chance, but as of right now, money is a problem.

Thank you for your concern Karen,
I am not looking for the bony look by any means. Being as tall as I am, I have a lot of weight from not being too fatty. My gut is still an issue for me, that and my thighs. I keep looking at my face, and I do not think I have too terribly strong masculine features, and I know that the face changes a lot with hormone treatment. I want to be able to look at my body and say, "I can pull of skin tight clothes, and feel comfortable." before I start hormones.

You can use the Psychology Today therapist search utility to try to find a psychologist or psychiatrist who has GLBT experience.

Here is where to start: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/state/Colorado.html

Find you county or city, and look under "sexuality/gender."

Also, hrt may be covered under a student health policy.