Mary, I so well know what you're talking about. Sometimes the pain is so bad, and the hopelessness so pervasive, that doing away with yourself seems the only remaining viable option. The problem is, that it isn't that hopeless, it isn't the only viable solution and it is something that will hurt your family more than anything.
Coming here to vent when you're feeling this way is entirely appropriate. I'm glad you did. You're not being selfish, you're being human. We have to live our own lives and sometimes it seems that tragedy is the result no matter what we do but I always try to see that when there is life there is hope and when there is hope then there is relief from at least some of the pain and depression our condition creates. My wife is very upset with my decision to change and says it hurts too much and makes her want to leave. I often feel very guilty over that but I have to remember that the only alternative is to hurt her more, and that would be the truly selfish thing.
5 Months may seem a huge amount of time for you right now but you can speed it up by beginning to make decisions and plans so you can hit the ground running as soon as you get home. You can research to find a gender specialist and you can look for a support group in the area where you'll be living. You might even be able to contact someone in your local support group that can talk to you and be a friend while you're still overseas. And, of course, you can still come here and let us be partners in you troubles as well as your triumphs.
hugs & smiles
helen
