After age 20 either denying or the amazing mind burying my crossdressing  mtf in my teen years, in my late 30's a reconnect when shopping in lingerie for an item on my Mom's Christmas list and payed it forward with slowly building a small wardrobe. In the late 90's to 2001 when I turned 60, via the internet I was searching for anything that might create breasts & was discovering stories of transgender people. I found a cd club in Toronto, bought breast forms, learned how to do make up for the first time, have like minded and supportive friends. When I look back on one period, with a lot of family social events I went about  2 months that I couldn't  get dressed as Jamie. I was irritable, short in some of my conversations with my now accepting wife, just not my easy going  manner. I truly felt I was having an internal primal scream. I believe my mind was telling me something, which comes from searching for answers on the internet and you tube videos. I saw Melanie Anne Phillips Transgendersupport Youtube channel. This deals with the scientific side titled Causes of  Transsexuality which is also in her 20 year diary on her website Heartcorp.com. I saw this video about 2 ½ years ago, which detailed the influences of  a flush of either testosterone or estrogens while in the womb in the 12 to 14 week span and its influence on gender. Just recently I saw a yt vid on the Gay Liberation Network channel, it backs up what Melanie says , the vid is addressed to the Psychiatric field titled Ending professional bigotry against transsexual people (parts 2 to 4) an interview with a female biologist. I made a few notes, but will just put the last bit of info. here. This fits in with what Melanie says that  trans people are intersexed. "One in sixty are intersexed including transgender. Mtf brain has a female sensibility, a female emotional way of processing the world. Not disordered. Something to be celebrated not persecuted."  With findings on the net , my wife and I have shared, she thinks we are intersexed and I am of that conclusion too. I think my primal scream in my head was my brain finally telling me I am female! My personality is so much like my Mom. I was very sick in my early years, so I got a lot love from my non working Mom while Dad was the breadwinner. I understand who the love comes from can also have an influence.

The only problem for me is that I am too old at 70 with one minor Asthma condition kept at bay with medication. I was perusing Toronto's Sherbourne Health Center that various ways of taking estrogen runs the risk of blood clots. When I saw the estrogen risk, that erased any thought of seeing if I could do anything. This isn't worth risking my life. If you make yourself over from male to female and present as such, basically you have temporarily transitioned your presentation to female (or female to male), so I consider myself a transgender. Just wish I didn't have to do the shave & putting on breast forms. I wish I would have been born 35 years later, I would have transitioned. No regrets. Being retired 8 years, most of my time I do live as a woman. I am thrilled with all that I have learned about me, energized that I can be who I am, happy & love my life and my amazing wife.

Susan's Place and Susan, I am appreciative of your caring, effort and site to allow me to exorcise this emotional release as I believe this can be a therapeutic moment for me. Maybe I can recycle back in this World as a girl.

Hugs

Jamie

Honestly, I think the clotting risk is over stated, at least if you are a non-smoker.. Is it a risk? Sure, but not that big a risk, assuming you are mostly healthy otherwise.

Hi Kelly,

Fortunately a non smoker. Another factor, being on a limited income, currently my Province doesn't have much of a supportive assistance plan. I was at a seminar were two people from 519 Church St. Support Center said the Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) is set up to fail a person in transition. I know two mtf friends right now that this is happening to.

Thanks for your pov, much appreciated.
Jamie

Hi Jamie,

I agree with Kelly, I'm not sure it's that bigger risk. If it is a concern, half an Aspirin each day can thin the blood. You'd be absolutely amazed at the change, 'E' would make to your outlook. And after all, 70 is not too old. One of our members from Sth Africa, Michelle, i think is 69, and she is close to 6 months post op.

Sorry, I'm the eternal optimist. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

CAMH is run by open and closet homosexuals who have a natural hate for anyone who crossdresses openly - with some of the CAMH people the hate is basically jealousy at a CD/TV having the nerve to do it and in the closet ones its because they have early life experiences of being too effeminate and being corrected/himiliated for it.

Ray Blanchard in particular spent 30 years measuring penises in an attempt to correlate penis shape/size/ etc to sexual oriantation...this merely showed that his sexual drive is penophilia...aka homosexuality...this is why he states that we are just effeminate homosexuals and generally short in stature...he is over 6 feet and has a macho beard so obviously no-one is going to look behind his smokescreen and see the real penophiliac...he is so addicted to the pheromones of penisses that he goes into CAMH on weekends to get his fix just the way homosexuals are drawn to public toilets to inhale the stink of man sex.

CAMH is now seen as a joke among the TS fraternity as there are other therapists available.

Hi Jamie -

I am already on an aspirin regime (baby-sized) and Plavix following open heart surgery several years ago.  My chances of developing a deep vein thrombosis are quite low ... as long as I faithfully take my meds.

Jamie

I am 78  transitioning and on HRT. If you keep to the patches or gel there should not be any problems. I am a ex smoker (40 years ago) and exercise regularly (walking 8 kms 3 times a week)

I don't have a lot to add being only a young filly of 58, but going the non-op route is always a possibility, or perhaps an orchiectomy as an alternative.
I'd be guided by reputable specialists,  from what I have read of Blanchard's work he is definitely Transphobic, with some strange ideas. Never heard of penis measuring though! EWWWW!!!

Karen.

Finally getting a chance to catch up after a busy Tuesday.

Hi Catherine Sarah. Yes I remember about aspirin being helpful in this situation, my Dad had to take aspirin. I read a post from a Sarah at 68 and now Michelle at 69, totally stuns me that my age transitions.
Fortunately I am healthy, once out of winter I go for 30 - 60 min. brisk walks several days a week. I feel a lot younger than my age. I am an optimist too, like the glass is half full.

Hey lillacwoman. Thanks for the eye opener on CAMH, totally mind blowing, what a stain. Blanchard, eeeww. My two friends are jobless, poor, they are classed as mental disability to receive disability money to transition there. Both have broken marriages. I don't know the details but one of friends says CAMH has treated them badly to the point they have both dropped out. One blames the world, nearly succeeded in taking her life. The other is an activist but did try ending her life, told a friend of her plan, intervention got her in hospital in time, she recognizes her depression from a bout a few years ago & got admitted to a hospital & had a recurrence recently & admitted herself so she wouldn't go suicidal again.

Hello Jamie D. Thank your for telling me about the capabilities of the wonder drug aspirin. You are a survivor.

yo Joannel. Thanks for the heads up on the gel or patch, I was reading that they were lower on the scale for a stroke You are an inspiration, walking 8 k three times a week and at 78 transitioning. All the best in your journey.

G'day Karen. I like that, "young filly," that you are, thank you for your advice.

I sincerely appreciate the time you took sharing from your experience, knowledge and caring to help alleviate any misconceptions and concerns I have an that I could pursue some choices of small changes.

I had a bro-in-law in hospital over the last three months that we have spent overseeing his recovery healthy status now and currently in a residential home, where we hope to talk him into staying. With lots of visits I haven't had much time to be Jamie.

Hopefully soon I will get some me time to phone the Sherbourne Health Center, see if qualify. I think some things may be covered by the Ontario Hospital Insurance Plan (OHIP). Never know until I try. If I can't afford it, that is okay.

Love & respect you all.
Jamie 

I'm not sure whether they do the penis measuring before or after they tell a transperson seeking therapy to go into the room with the two way mirrors and crossdress - if there is the twitch of an erection the person is out as being 'just a ->-bleeped-<-'. 

In the interests of science the CAMH leaders lurk behind the mirrors videoing the crossdressing for later examination...I think it is this need to study the videos that has Blanchard willing to devote his weekends to selflessly going into the office to sit and study them for which he should be commended as it takes a special sort of person to sit and watch videos of men dressing up in sexy lingerie.

Elsewhere in Toronto lots of guys spend hours perving over videos of male bodies with erections and we call them homosexuals.

lilacwoman,

I know I will never go to CAMH, dressed as a woman has never been an auto-erotic thing for me, so they would never see a twitch. How the mind works, they are ugly there.

Being petite in stature I wondered if I appeared effeminate, I never wore jewelry and hoped I didn't attract any homosexuals. In the late 70's early 80's I did have some closeted gays hit on me, but when I told them that wasn't for me that I only like girls, they backed off & didn't want me to tell anyone. Don't get me wrong, I remember reading a news item in the mid 90's of research on the homosexual brain that indicated there was a variance in the area of sexuality, so I am understanding with gay & lesbian that this is who they are. I have one friend I have know since he was a kid & he has been in a gay relationship for 35 years. Such a turn around in the last ten years unearthing and being the female me, I wear the bling, go to the Church St. (pride) village, in the gay bars of course they aren't interested & don't hit on me because I look like a lady & they are interested in boys. I go in the lesbian bars, they see a woman, but when I speak I have a male voice, so they know underneath is a guy & that isn't what they want. Makes your mind spin. I do have some gay friends, hugs on meeting & departure. Homosexual sex isn't possible with me, so I don't want to know where that "elsewhere in Toronto" is.

Jamie

Hi, (re: March 14 post)

Catherine, Jamie D, Joannel & Kelly, you are all to blame for what I am about to share. No, just teasing, truly. lol Along with you plus some of my Toronto cd friends that are in some parts of transition plus one beautiful mtf transwoman I met last fall & have been chatting with, I appreciate that you all have given me positive information and advice suggesting that I could tweek a bit in transition, mainly my plan is hormones.

A few weeks ago I spoke to a lady at the Sherbourne Health Center in Toronto about registering with them to go on hormones. The lady said there is a 1 year wait list to get an appointment with medical staff. She wondered if I had a GP that may be approachable in my area in the western suburbs, perhaps I might get started sooner. I felt my Doctor could be open and approachable, she has been wonderful for me, we get along well, she likes my positive attitude.

I will refer to my Doctor by her initial Dr. G. I saw her on Apr.12, I had to capsulize my story as our time was short, she was very compassionate, had me go for a pelvic ultrasound and blood tests. She said she doesn't know anything about transgender. I mentioned SHC, they said they can guide a GP ( the center believes it is good if they can get GP & endos in the burbs on board to do gender work), I told her I would email the link to SHC. I had a follow up today May 1, she said she has read up some on gender and did check out SHC web site. Dr. G has arranged an appointment for me with an endo for August 1. This has really pleased me. I showed her some pics of me, she smiled and appreciated that I did this and helped her. She said it will be good fro me to take them to the endo so he has an idea of me. All my tests came back "male." Boo hoo. Blood tests are all good. I will just have to wait it out and see how the endo assess things. If things don't work out with the endo, then I will probably have to get my application in to SHC. I am thinking I will do that this week. They have information sessions once a week for 8 weeks for people transitioning and you have to come dressed in the gender you are going to transition to. I am really hoping I can have the local endo take me so I don't have the long heavy traffic drive to Toronto. One transitioning friend told me of a hospital that does this in Toronto that I didn't realize did this. I don't think I want to bother though.

Thanks all for your support, you are precious.
I am believing.
Hugs
Jamie

Hi Jamiep

I am 60 and just now getting on with accepting my life the way it is.  In the last few years I've needed to take some meds for stomach and chronic headache issues, and these had side effects that were very pleasing for me, while concerning for my wife (breast enlargement).  And although it's a real bad idea, I'm using Estrace cream that I came across free in a very low dose.  If I keep this up for a month or so it should show if this track is right for me, and if it should be continued.  Don't get me wrong, it is scary, and I'm not sure what changes will occur.  But June 1 is my cut off date to evaluate what I've done, and to either come out to my wife or just let this all go away. 

By the way.  Kathy is a name that I've used as an alter-ego for the last 20 years whenever writing or just thinking about my life.  When asking myself questions about sex, gender, or the big mistakes in life  I just think about how Kathy would respond.  Other people might ask themselves these questions as themselves, but for me a better and more honest asnwer seems to come from this stupid little personality exercise.

Hello Kathy,

You are just the age I was at 10 years ago, when I discovered a cd club, info was slowly becoming to trend online. The internet has been an education via many trans peoples Youtube video, sites, blog etc that it had me questioning my gender after many years off and cd since my teens. Let Kathy out as it is probably your real female mind and try to ease into your interest in exploring your female gender to your wife, showing her your resources can help. Don't force the conversation if she is uncomfortable, annoyed or not interested. She loves you and will hopefully find it in herself to seek info on her own to try to understand. I found it was like taking two steps forward and fall one back, which can be frustrating. Baby steps. Interesting the physical reaction your meds. Sounds like you have a plan and that is good. Make sure you keep your wife in the loop, she has a say in this too. You should be flexible to tailor a plan that works for both of you and you can be Happy as Kathy. I hope all goes well for your journey forward. Don't self medicate, get medical guidance. Good that you shared, I am sure other family here will have some helpful comments for you.

Be careful & safe.

Jim

You know something, I sometimes find myself trying to excuse the essential point, that I haven't transitioned.

I mean, I don't wear women's clothes, or even own any. I don't publicly use a girl's name. I don't go around telling people I'm transgender.

But I am. I am transgender.

Now I'm not your age JamieP, not yet, but I'll get there. And yes, I ahve some regrets. I have things I wish I'd done differently. I have situations that didn't work out and opportunities I've walked away from. Including one to start me on the road to SRS, by the NHS, back in the mid 80s!

Regrets. Yep. Though like you and any other intelligent person, I try to stick to the bright side.

One point though. I am who I am. I am Trangender. Whether or whatever I've done about it or not, however many opportunities I've walked away from, that fact remains.

For you as well as me.

I'm over joyed whenever anyone gets to the point where they feel complete. But equally, I don't believe, for a second, that any progress at all is necessary.

I do and did, what was comfortable for me. I'm transgender because I say I am.

Apologies for hijacking your thread JamieP. I really wanted to make that point.

Thanks for the thoughts Jamiep.  I am making a Dr appt.

And to Special.  You lay it straight on the line for choices you made.  I am sure others are making the same choices today, after all I did for many years.  My desire and obligation were two different things, with obligation carrying almost all the weight.  Now I have the time in my life to explore if taking another step is really me, or if there is even a need for it. 

And don't appologize for changing a thread to make a point.

KB

Hi spacial,

No apologies necessary, you haven't hijacked the topic, it is the perfect place for family to comment & share. The forum & topic was right for you to express yourself and your journey.

Your brain says female, opportunities and regrets, I am pleased that you are on the bright side otherwise regrets can drag you down. If there is anything I have learned here in my short time is to read others life stories that they are courageous to share & bare their souls here, is all the vagaries & grey areas of gender, that they are able to express their identity in a neutral or middle physical statement ie androgen (which I have done at times along my path) and not completely transition to societal binary. Societal environment, family, schooling, business world etc can dictate what we feel comfortable in doing or not doing has a big bearing on choices. I am lucky my big revelation came after I retired.

QuoteI do and did, what was comfortable for me. I'm transgender because I say I am.

Absolutely, you have found your comfort zone to be Happy. Be proud and confident

You have a positive attitude which is everything and I am sure you will reach my age & surpass it. I enjoy reading your posts pov and look forward to sharing more.

Cheers

Jamie

Hi Kathy,

Congratulations on taking the first step to Kathy!

Spacial, I also meant to say when I hear about a person starting transition or completed I literally have a jump for joy for them.

Keep posting Kathy.

Hugs

Jamie

Hey Jamie,

I just wanted to say, I just came across your post, and reading it through, you seem such and intelligent and strong person. Im glad that you have been able to come here and share these parts of your journey, and so grateful for that you seem
   I hope all goes well for you in good health and that you will be updating us with even more positive and happy things.

Hi Make_It_Good,

A humble thank you for your kind words. Over the last ten years of various sources on gender, cd & trans friends (mtf & ftm) through our interactions, support plus the Beautiful people in my aforementioned May 1 post including the nuance of gender I am learning about from many other people sharing here like yourself, the knowledge is empowering in self realization of your real gender builds your confidence. A good feeling that makes me Happy & excited about life. A few friends know about Jamie, but I don't get to see them often enough to get my excitement out, with all this energy you just want to talk, right. I came out to my Sis 2 1/2 years ago, so has told her husband, kids & their families, all good with Jamie. I will be seeing them at their Vancouver homes in late May & looking forward to letting out some Jamie energy there.

Meghan Andrews Youtube videos, her classy way of sharing her life & thoughts mentioned this site, I read her journey in the blog section & was so impressed I had to join. I do have a couple of videos on Youtube but I shut it down (although I can still put them back on public), I did an intro about me and another one I was passing on some info and links I don't have a female voice, but I should try and work on that). Like Meghan I felt I was at a point were I would like to help others going through this process, all the questioning, searching for answers because we feel different.

You have done a lot of wonderful nurturing posts to assist others going through this process too, kudos, keep doing all these good things, we need you, you are a treasure.

In your avatar pic you have a manly chest going there.

I hope to be here in this outstanding supportive community of new friends for a long time.

Thank you about health & things going well. All positive good things to you moving forward in your journey of life.
Cheers
Jamie