Hello FTM community, thank you for stopping by to read this. I am the fiancé of an FTM who is pre op and 3 yrs (almost 4 yrs) on testosterone. I love my fiancé very much and this is something we have talked extensively about, but we are both so emotionally invested in everything that sometimes its hard to articulate to each other and understand certain things.

I need your help to better understand my situation.

Let me start out my telling you our background. I met my fiancé last year, I knew when I met him that he was FTM and did not mind one way or the other. Naked or clothed, I've only ever seen him as a man. It took a long time to help him be comfortable with the fact that he was not a fetish to me, that had he been born bio male I would still be as attracted to him and love him all the same. (My motto is "I fall for hearts, not body parts". The problem in our relationship now is that, I am actually more accepting of him as being male than he is of himself. He feels inadequate because he doesn't have the same body that a bio male does. We have talked about it before, and come a long way. But things have flared up again.

Our sex life is amazing. I get him off easily and he gets me off easily. But it's recently sprung up that it's hard for him to accept that everything he currently has is enough to satisfy me. That he is the only guy to make me feel as wonderful as he makes me feel in bed.

Last month I found out that he began watching porn again. Which isn't a big deal in itself, but because months ago when I found out it hurt me profusely (i don't know why, I feel inferior to the women in porn) and he explained to me at the time that its just the visual of the mans penis and the masculinity in it, that speaks to him, that it has nothing to do with the girl, and so much so that he's even watched gay porn simply because the masculinity in it is more apparent physically.

It was hard but I told him that I wanted to work on it as a couple if it was something that helped him, but he refused and promised he didn't need it and wouldn't watch it. I begged him over and over not to promise. Telling him that if he wanted to watch it alone that gay porn was fine and didn't bother me. But he still refused and promised.

Well, he broke that promise several times over and then hid it and lied to me. By watching gay porn, bi porn and straight porn.

Now he says his reason is that he watched it when he feels inadequate and that its somehow reaffirming to him.That he watched it because he doesn't have the same equipment as the man, and someone it helped him with his dismorphia. I don't understand that. And he trys to explain but he can't. He says its not the girls in the porn, that he doesn't do it for sexual gratification, that he doesn't think about what he saw on the porn during sex with me in order to help sex be better, that it's not like that. But it's so hard for me to understand, and I'm trying so hard.  I asked him why the porn can validate that and I can't and he said that he never feels more validated than when he's with me. But if that's the case,and if everything else is true,  then I don't understand why he turned to porn.

I need to know if any of you out there can see things from his point of view. If so, can you please please help me understand. I love him so much, and it kills me that he feels inadequate, because he is everything I want and need and even more than that, and I can't help him see himself like as complete of a man as I see him.

Thank you so much for reading this <3 Christine

Welcome to the forums Christine.  It was nice talking with you in Chat also.

Insecurities are hard to deal with, but they are not only suffered by transgendered, everyone faces them.  All I can suggest at the moment is that you continue to keep the channels of communication open.  I know you are doing your best to do that, just keep it up.

Well but that's what doesn't make sense to me.

He knows that I think he's enough for me, I tell him all the time, I show him all the time. What's weird about it to me is that when we have sex. It's awesome. He doesn't have any sexual hang ups with me with working with what he has and the best way to use his equipment to get him off. He says he doesn't think about anything when we have sex, that he just focuses on how it feels so it's awesome sex.

And he says he doesn't use porn as sexual gratification. Like, he says he doesn't get off watching porn. But that it helps him with his dismorphia. That's what I can't understand.

He knows my history with porn, and that I've been effectively replaced by it in previous relationships, he knew it made me self conscious, but he also knew that as a tool, if it helped him, that I was willing to work through it with him. So I don't understand why he promised he didn't need it and refused to work on it, and then went back on his promise and hurt me how he did.

The main issue to me is honestly that he hid it and lied. If he hadn't hid it, it would have been different because it would be a lot easier for me to believe when he says it wasn't for sexual gratification. It would be a lot easier for me to understand everything.


But as it is I'm really struggling. In part, I'm here because I need to know what about porn could be reaffirming to a transman watching it, without any sexual gratification involved. This is me trying to believe him, and to do that, I need to understand how that's possible.

I told him I posted the thread. I've never kept things from him, he read it, it's all things I've said to him, it's all things we've talked over.

He said he hopes someone out there views porn the way he does and can explain it to me how I can understand.

I really really appreciate your input. I do. Thank you so much for what you wrote, and I hope that from your last relationship until now you've become able to view yourself the way the girl you were with viewed you. Because no FTM deserves any less t than to feel like the man that he is simply because he doesn't have what society deems as male equipment.

Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 10, 2012, 01:55:54 PM
Welcome to the forums Christine.  It was nice talking with you in Chat also.

Insecurities are hard to deal with, but they are not only suffered by transgendered, everyone faces them.  All I can suggest at the moment is that you continue to keep the channels of communication open.  I know you are doing your best to do that, just keep it up.

Thank you so much for talking to me in Chat and then for coming to read what I wrote here, I really appreciate it =)

I'm afraid I can't relate to porn helping with dysphoria issues, but then again I don't really have any dysphoria about my lower half in general. I did however just want to interject that sometimes....guys just like to watch porn. It's no reflection on their partners performance but sometimes, all you really fancy is a solo performance.

I don't understand though why he feels the need to hide it if you said that you're ok with it. From my understanding it's not the porn that bothers you...it's the lying about it? Unless he's just embarrassed to admit that he enjoys the occasional self high five.

I know guys like to watch porn. But he swears up and down this is his reasoning and that its not a sexual gratification thing. Also, neither one of us has ever been shy to admitting to masterbating, actually, he knows I think it's a turn on to think about.

So I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. And I feel completely betrayed and hurt because he hid it and lied and broke his promise to me.

So my only hope in fixing this is to believe him, but I can't wrap my head around his reasoning. I'm trying. I'm really trying. And the thing is, if he were lying, he would never have admitted to watching Gay porn also. Because he isn't gay. He isn't attracted to men at all, and he wouldn't lie to me about it, because he knows that I wouldn't mind if he were. So I know there has to be some truth to what he's telling me, I just cannot for the life of me understand it.


Anyway, thank you so much for your response. =)

Hi Christine, it's nice to meet you! We're glad you came to the site, helping people find answers is one of our strong suits. Hugs, Devlyn

Something which doesn't seem to have been covered, unless I've missed it.

Umm... did you ask him why he hid it from you? Not why he watches it but why he felt he couldn't tell you?

Well that's the thing. He changes why he hid it from me constantly.

First it was that he was goinggggg to tell me, but I just happened to catch him first, then it was that he didn't think I would care so he "didn't hide it from me" (which he did),  then it was that he didn't want to hurt me, then it was because he was afraid of getting in trouble, then it was that he was embarrassed. So I really have no idea what the real reason is.

I think more or less he hid it because he broke a promise to me and didn't want to face the repercussions of having done so.

 It's possible that your concerns are more justified than one might say... perhaps he really does do it for sexual reasons. I couldn't stand it if I had someone who changed their story on me all the time, and if my partners are watching porn, it had better be of me :p.

I don't understand how it can reaffirm his masculinity either...

I would hate for things to be unwell between you two, but I don't jump to peoples' defenses just because they happen to be trans too. For all I know, he could be using his transness as an excuse for the porn - the reason to make it okay.

Be kind to him... but be firm. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. :\

Casey.

Thank you. In everything, what you just said is the best way I can possibly begin to understand it. Especially because you can relate to the gay porn portion of it.

I almost did leave. I told him that I felt that he was a coward and disgusting as a person for lying to me the way he did. I wanted to get as far away from him as possible, because no one has ever ever hurt me that way. I never forced him to promise me, I begged him not to over and over. And he chose to, and then broke it. It was the ultimate betrayal to me. Especially because it made me feel awful, since, he knows that anything that happens, if he tells me the truth, I am willing to work on it with him. So the fact that he broke the promise was one thing, but then hiding and lying killed me.

But I love him, and I want to understand, I want this to work.

The worst thing in all of this is that, I had some intense trauma when I was younger, and hated kissing, never saw it as pleasurable, but he was the first person that I loved kissing. And thats gone now because he hurt me so bad =(

I want it back

I want to understand
And I want what we had back.

I just wish, he had stuck to gay porn. I told him once that it didn't bother me. If his reasons were what he said, that it didn't bother me for him to watch gay porn

But when he broke his promise, he couldn't even honor my feelings that much.

Quote from: christinesansan on May 10, 2012, 04:22:16 PM
And I want what we had back. 

Does he feel the same? If so, that's a start, right? A basis for you to keep talking and see where it takes you.

Yeah. He feels the same.

At this point it's more the lack of trust that is ruining everything. That and it exploited my own insecurities to the fullest and so now I'm battling with that and with severe anxiety issues because of everything.

We have a daughter together and we live together, so she's the even better reason.

Quote from: Sephirah on May 10, 2012, 03:47:35 PM
Something which doesn't seem to have been covered, unless I've missed it.

Umm... did you ask him why he hid it from you? Not why he watches it but why he felt he couldn't tell you?

As an extension of this question, have you asked yourself why this is bothering you so much.

I'm sure we can all appreciate your moral indignation. I don't really like porn myself, unless it's funny, if you see what I mean. Even then I have to say, I have never been sexually aroused at all by any porn.

But it seems to be upsetting you that your partner is being aroused.

Is it interfering with your mutual sexual experiences? Or are the issues more complex?

Well hopefully it's really that you both want it to work out and not that he feels a need to stay due to the child. Sometimes that's the underlying truth and people will beat a relationship to a pulp trying to make it work simply for that subconscious thought of the child and thinking it's really that they want to make it work.

Aside from all that, I relate to porn this way. I happen to use it for sexual gratification as well, but either way it helps me feel more in place with myself. I watch all types of porn and I always put myself in place of whoever the "guy" is depending on the type. I am in a relationship as well, engaged, and we've been together for 4.5 years. She doesn't feel inadequate to porn though, so maybe that's something you should try to work on. I understand you've been hurt before somehow, but you too need to come to point of being more comfortable with any type of porn he watches. This should in turn allow him to feel more comfortable with being honest with you and not wussing out by going back on his word. I believe a man's word should be practically set in stone and by him going back on that is shameful. (A personal opinion, but he should still believe that if he makes a promise, it's serious.)There are things you both need to work on and compromise on.

Despite the multiple explanations, it's obvious that the main thing was his worry over you finding out and being upset. I've been in a more serious situation in which I took it to a physical level. I am not attracted to men, but I got to a point of giving men oral sex just so I could feel a little closer to that piece I am missing. It really helped me a lot and it has surely made me feel more aware of the fact that my packer isn't that much different. While it provides a bit more dysphoria in a way since I know what is real, it still helps me associate my own penis with that of a bio male's. It's a step up from just looking at one, but I think it can apply to the porn as well since that's what I did a long time and having the real thing just brought it closer to home within myself.

I hope my mess of words help at least a little.

@spacial: In one her earlier posts she mentions that she was apparently "replaced" by porn in past relationships.