Hi everyone.  Two days ago, I told a guy that I know that I was transgendered.  He didn't know exactly what I meant so I explained it to him and he was very surprised but was really accepting telling me that I just look like a girl, asking if I can get married to men legally, asking about how it started, blah blah.  So I told him, and he was accepting like I said.  However, afterwards I felt very dirty and like I shouldn't have told him.  I know there's nothing wrong wth being transgendered and I know that I am transgendered, but it just feels wrong that he knows.  He's not a love interest at all, just a friend.  It feels much more natural and less baggage-y when someone just thinks I'm female.  Is this normal to feel a little dirty after telling someone? 

To clarify, I mean that it feels dissonant when some people think I'm just female and a few people know I'm trans.

Well hon, IF he is REALLY a friend there is NO reason to feel dissonant (dirty?).

If he is not... you'll find out REAL fast, as the guy will drop you like a hot chestnut.

One point though. To just come out to any Tom, Dick and Harry for not feeling 'dissonant' is a bad idea.
So, all in all I guess it's a good thing you questioned your feelings about this and hopefully will think very clearly next time, - whether to 'spill the beans' or simply keep quiet.

Hug,
Axélle

Quote from: ZeldaHeart on May 15, 2012, 08:55:34 AM
Hi everyone.  Two days ago, I told a guy that I know that I was transgendered.  He didn't know exactly what I meant so I explained it to him and he was very surprised but was really accepting telling me that I just look like a girl, asking if I can get married to men legally, asking about how it started, blah blah.  So I told him, and he was accepting like I said.  However, afterwards I felt very dirty and like I shouldn't have told him.  I know there's nothing wrong wth being transgendered and I know that I am transgendered, but it just feels wrong that he knows.  He's not a love interest at all, just a friend.  It feels much more natural and less baggage-y when someone just thinks I'm female.  Is this normal to feel a little dirty after telling someone? 

To clarify, I mean that it feels dissonant when some people think I'm just female and a few people know I'm trans.

Is it possible?  Are you someone I can relate to?   O_O

Are you teasing me?  Did Axelle put you up to this?

I feel dirty and worse when someone knows I transitioned.  I can barely tolerate being around family.  When non family knows I transitioned I avoid them like the plague because when i am around them I feel like I am dying.  Like my being a woman is no longer a reality and instead I am only a man who wants to be a woman as in terminally wants because he never ever will be.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on May 16, 2012, 05:09:36 AM

Is it possible?  Are you someone I can relate to?   O_O

Are you teasing me?  Did Axelle put you up to this?

I feel dirty and worse when someone knows I transitioned.  I can barely tolerate being around family.  When non family knows I transitioned I avoid them like the plague because when i am around them I feel like I am dying.  Like my being a woman is no longer a reality and instead I am only a man who wants to be a woman as in terminally wants because he never ever will be.

Put you up to what? Not feeling dirty?!

Hey, there is a life out there and if every idiot's opinion would make me feel dirty I stand under the shower all day long.

I do like a nice shower, but then, hey... everything in moderation including this feeling dirty stuff.

There be LOADS more to say to this item - but it's not my therapy day today.

Ta, ta,
Axélle

Dirty? For being who / what I am? ...mmm nope.

Being trans isn't bad. Sure, lots of people don't understand it... but that is their ignorance, it isn't reality. I have no problems telling people I'm trans and educating them about how amazing it is.

I really don't see anything about being trans as dirty. I actually think it is rather beautiful. I'm not out there selling my body or having random sex or doing drugs or anything negative... I take a couple pills a day, my skin is softer, and I look nicer.... seems like a total win situation to me

Thank you for your replies.  Axelle, your advice is good.  I do need to think about who I come out to from now on.  Dissonant actually means contradictory.  Like I have two sides to me and they are fighting.  Noey, I'm glad that I have someone who can relate to me.  I can't stand when people know I'm trans.  About a year ago I couldn't stand being around my family either, but just got used to having people who will always know I'm trans.  Do you avoid telling people?

Rabbit, that is beautiful of you to say.  I really wish I could feel entirely the same.  Sometimes it feels like it's beautiful how simple the process is with the hormones.  However, when people know I'm trans they tend to ask weird questions about genitalia and other stuff.  That makes me feel like a dirty science experiment.  It's so nice to blend in when it comes to your gender.  People don't ask you weird questons or treat you differently.

If you are misgendered there is always that girlie-thing to simply pretend that you have not heard it. Just tune it out.
I just giggle and say nothing, as if it was a nice/silly joke. And forgiveness for genuine slip-ups is KEY!

The other thing is self acceptance, which will get better and better with time - so long you do not ask more questions of yourself - then actually being asked by others... know what I mean

Lastly, allowing yourself to feel dirty, or like some science-freaking-project is allowing yourself to become a victim.
It is something that has been drummed into us – it's also called -guilt- and –shame-!

Being born with the wrong equipment is NO reason what ever to feel guilty or ashamed. IT JUST IS. Period.
(As some would have it: "->-bleeped-<- happens!" eh)

Hug,
Axélle

Quote from: ZeldaHeart on May 16, 2012, 11:23:12 AM
  Do you avoid telling people?

I would simply say, Yes".  But I don't think that would be accurate enough.  Avoid isn't the word.  I have been living and loving as a woman, not as a trans person and to reduce my life experience goes against my better judgment.  I know how people treat me when they know I transitioned and it is unacceptable.  I grew tired of seeking acceptance a long time ago and I didn't transition because I wanted to "do my own thing" in the face of other people.

I transitioned to be female.

After living as a female for about a decade, going back to living as someone who is constantly judged by others is something I intend to avoid for the rest of my life.  Other people don't have their sex picked-apart, judged, criticized, put under the microscope, approved, okayed, accepted or questioned and I got tired of that and of educating Society a long time ago.  I will save that sort of thing for people who are fresh and still have the energy.

Also being trans is a beautiful thing, or it can be but other people lack the maturity to deal with the information.  In my experience telling people I transitioned is always inappropriate, foolish, irresponsible and just plain stupid.

Whether other people tell or don't tell depends a lot on their situation.  Sometimes situations change, sometimes they change gradually and sometimes situations remain the same.  Other people are welcome to do what is right for their situation.

Quote from: Axélle on May 15, 2012, 09:14:57 AM
Well hon, IF he is REALLY a friend there is NO reason to feel dissonant (dirty?).

Ugh what a tired platitude.
This annoys me personally, blaming everyone else in the world  for our own messed up past and the problems it poses.

Simple fact... what we are is baggage, and it makes us undesirable to the world. No matter what we might tell ourselves.

I understand the feeling she describes I get a similar feeling, the dirty feeling I think stems from making yourself feel "like a freak" by over describing yourself in technical terms. objectifying yourself in such a manner can feel vain, or just unpleasant. Also there's that gritty concern that maybe because of what you said they won't see you the same way again... Ie they see you as a "transsexual" and not as "you"

Quote from: pebbles on May 16, 2012, 06:32:13 PM
Ugh what a tired platitude.
This annoys me personally, blaming everyone else in the world  for our own messed up past and the problems it poses.

Simple fact... what we are is baggage, and it makes us undesirable to the world. No matter what we might tell ourselves.

I understand the feeling she describes I get a similar feeling, the dirty feeling I think stems from making yourself feel "like a freak" by over describing yourself in technical terms. objectifying yourself in such a manner can feel vain, or just unpleasant. Also there's that gritty concern that maybe because of what you said they won't see you the same way again... Ie they see you as a "transsexual" and not as "you"

Hey, just my experience, and trying to put it in words. Sorry for speaking in platitudes then.
Wanna feel dirty? Go right ahead.
Wanna be a 'victim'? Same thing.
Wanna be a sad-sack? Same same.
We create our own reality. Another platitude?

Well, some just 'love' the idea to suffer, and be a victim to any circumstance.
I try real hard to opt out of that... and sometimes I actually manage.

Take care,
Axélle

Quote from: pebbles on May 16, 2012, 06:32:13 PM
Simple fact... what we are is baggage, and it makes us undesirable to the world. No matter what we might tell ourselves.

Not the world I live in? For me, being trans has only made the world become more friendly towards me.

For example, I went in to get dinner a couple hours ago at a restaurant I have been to a couple times. When I walked in, 3 of the staff greeted me by name and with smiles (and I'm obviously trans, I have been in there super fem and today I went in with facial stubble and dressed in guy clothes).

Or, I have been going to this 7-11 near my house for a couple years. The first year and a half they knew me but didn't greet me when I came in (only the security guard did). The last few months, everything suddenly shifted as I started presenting more female... now EVERYONE greets me with smiles and by name when I come in (and yes, they know it is me and they know I'm trans... well, that or they think I'm a drag queen or something? haha, since some days I dress more male and other days I'm extremely femmed up).

So, really, from my point of view the world has become a lot nicer since the transition moved into more female land (even when they know I'm trans).

I don't feel like a freak. I feel I am probably a little unusual (I don't see many people like me around)... but I don't feel it is a bad thing (different doesn't mean bad). And, from the reaction people around me give, they agree with me.

Really, the only negative reaction I get are from people who don't have contact with me (and the negative uncomfortable reaction is very rare)... once people meet me or talk to me, they relax SOOO much and see this trans thing isn't anything bad.

Of course, I am in LA... which is a lot more accepting of trans people. If people were reacting very negatively and rude.. I would probably run for stealth also.

Quote from: Rabbit on May 17, 2012, 04:14:58 AM
Not the world I live in? For me, being trans has only made the world become more friendly towards me.

[clipped]

Completely my experience - touch wood. I never had so much fun shopping, speaking to people - and not only those that would take my money. Females in the shopping queue, mechanics that will help me with some appliance, shop girls, parking assistants, the list goes on.

I also do get looks that I interpret as 'interested'. If you look good, you feel good, and you make people about you feel good.
In 2 years of transition I laughed more then in 20 when in male guise.
As I said: "We create our own reality..."

Quote
Simple fact... what we are is baggage, and it makes us undesirable to the world. No matter what we might tell ourselves.

To read about such an attitude... understanding it or not, seems ever so self-destructive. Gosh.

Axélle

Quote from: pebbles on May 16, 2012, 06:32:13 PM

Simple fact... what we are is baggage, and it makes us undesirable to the world. No matter what we might tell ourselves.

I feel like transition is about getting rid of "baggage" that does not belong to us.  Part of that process is recognizing that it is not us, it does not belong to us and relieving ourselves of the baggage is accomplished in steps, it's what transition is for the medical transsexual.  Also baggage can be people who know about your past and when that baggage wears on a person he or she should let go of it also.  You have to decide what is important, what sacrifices need to be made.  Living without baggage is a wonderful experience.

You are not baggage.