I apologize if this topic has been covered.  A couple of months ago I finally got the courage to come out to my wife about being transsexual.  She did not take it well, and has not adjusted well either.  We have started couples counseling, but I do not see much hope.  She keeps repeating the same thing "I am not a lesbian".  She finds it repulsive and thinks that everyone is going to hate me.  I have tried to move at a slower pace...slow for me.  But she keeps saying that I am going "balls to the wall" fast.  I find her choice of phrase to be quite amusing   Anyway, I am hoping to find someone else who has gone through this and could provide me with some advise.
Thanks,
-B

I don't really have any advice for you, but I can definitely relate.  This almost the exact same situation I am in currently. At times, I wonder if telling her was the right move, but I realize that it was going to have to be talked about eventually. She is being very cold now, understandably, but I feel it's better to have it out in the open. The fact is this: if your wife cannot or will not stand behind what you want out of life, then you have to make a choice: make her happy or make yourself happy. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to make her happy if I'm not happy myself. Sorry for rambling on. Just wanted to let you know that someone else feels your pain!

I'm going threw the exact same thing with my fiancé. She also says she isn't a lesbian and has no plans on changing her sexuality. Ultimately it's down to either me living the life I want to live or manage the rest of my life in male form. I'm choosing to live the correct life as a woman. Its very hard to let go of the woman I love so dearly but it has to be done. She hasn't moved out yet and it's been a topic of discussion now for weeks it's just a matter of time. She wants to go to consoling as well and I actually think it will make the decision easier for us to break up. She already feels like I lied to her about who I was. Which in a way I did but I never had the courage to tell anyone my secret until I met her. 

It sounds like you will have a decesion to make.

It isn't about a wife being supportive...  transition isn't like learning to play a violin or something... you are messing with the fundamental aspects of attraction.

Really, think if the situation was reversed? What if you were with a man and he suddenly told you he wanted to be a woman? That his muscles would go away, his hair would go away, his behaviour would become more feminine and he would dress more girly...he might even cut off his thing and his sexuality would drastically change.... I would go "good luck with that, but I want a man" and end it.

I'm attracted to men. I like the muscles and all the male features. If my partner wanted to get rid of all that.. I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. It is completely reasonable.

So, if I were in your place...and my wife said "sorry, I'm just not into it"... I would accept it and allow both of us to move on with our lives. Trying to "work things out" with counseling and stuff is like trying to turn a straight person gay. Sure, you could go "maybe you could get used to it? Want to try?"... but if she really isn't interested and knows she wants a man... you really need to respect it and move ahead with your life.

Instead, by trying to stay together, she will continue to try and hold back your transition as best she can. The more she can stop you from doing fem stuff, the better it is for her. She will try to stop you from growing your hair, growing your nails, wearing makeup, wearing clothes, changing your voice.... every step you try to make will be met with resistance (and it will make transitioning just that much harder as you keep trying to hold onto her...and move to what you want to be... ).

I have a trans friend who is going through the same thing. Constant ups and downs with her wife. Constant battles over what and how much she can do. No surgery allowed, no dressing allowed, no coming out at work allowed.....

So... my suggestion...is to say "ok" and make plans on how you can move forward. End it in good terms.. try to be friends... but, in the end, you just aren't her type anymore...

I think this may be one of those times when people just have to part ways. This does not mean you don't love each other just that it wasn't meant to be. Counseling can help but if it's gets to be where you are holding each other back from something I think you both know that you may have to move on. Change is hard but in the end things tend to fall into place...

You're not alone and there are a lot of us out here.  I just can't express how difficult it is to be married and be transgendered.  In short, I am what I am not.  That is a fact that I recently decided to fully accept.

I had one discussion years ago when my wife found some clothing I kept for those times when I could be more feminine in private.  And so we had the talk.  It nearly ruined our marriage, so we haven't had another discussion about gender issues since then.  But to protect the family structure for my sons I ended up throwing away every item that ever tied me to a female side, and it was like throwing out my life.  Part of me died that day, and the relationship with my wife was darkened forever.

Since mid-childhood I just knew I had some sort of odd gender issue, but now I know I'm transgendered.  And yet after that one talk with my wife I lasted 20 years with this perverse pain.  And on top of everything else my prescription medications had a serious side effect that caused fairly large breast growth.  What can be worse for a transgendered person in denial?  And what sort of God thought that would be funny?

I gave myself to June 1 to resolve these issues, and either take back the real me, or to just stay in this stupid twilight zone forever.  I guess counseling is interesting but it's delaying my decision date.  However, reading these forums is more useful than I ever expected, and it helps tremendously.  For the short time I've been taking part in these discussions it has opened my eyes to the real problems others face, and make mine feel very manageable. 

So don't obsess over the small things and take time to laugh a little, and smile about what's good in life.  You started out with the right question and asked for advise in the forums.  This place is just one of many avenues for assistance but I found it's worth the time. 

Thank you all for your advice and support. I do understand if I am no longer her type. I offered to give her a divorce. I said I would assume all debt, pay for her move, pay for security deposit and first and last months rent, pay for insurance until she gets her own. She said she isnt going anywhere, but she still considers her husband to be dead. I just hope she will figure out what she wants soon.

My wife knew that I was TG from the onset of our relationship. (A lesson hard learned) I knew that she was only sexually attracted to guys. My perhaps monthly day off from the male world carried a large cost as for days afterwards all she could picture was Joanne. She is supportive to a point with my latest bout with the dysphoria.

As others have said, how a woman will view her future after dropping the TS bomb is a lot to handle. Very often you do hear stories of once the great burden of coming out to a spouse is lifted, things from her perspective do move way too fast. You spent most of your life examining what being trans means. You know how difficult this is to understand or grasp when you are the one sorting it all out. For others it is monumental. Especially when the images that come immediately to mind are mostly negative sterotypes.

I sometimes get little digs from my wife. They do hurt. Your wife's choice of words was probably not a coincidence. Yet, how true might they be from her perspective? What changes does she see taking place and how long after, perhaps even before, she was told? After two years and already knowing I was TG, my wife at times still has difficulty with me and my journey. And I have proclaimed many times I have intention of fully transitioning or going full-time. She even put her foot down a couple of times when I said I was going to stop all the craziness after seeing how I was hurting her.

Speed is relative to your frame of reference as my Uncle Einstein might say 

Quote from: Brooke777 on May 22, 2012, 02:54:55 PM
Thank you all for your advice and support. I do understand if I am no longer her type. I offered to give her a divorce. I said I would assume all debt, pay for her move, pay for security deposit and first and last months rent, pay for insurance until she gets her own. She said she isnt going anywhere, but she still considers her husband to be dead. I just hope she will figure out what she wants soon.

Letting her have the time to figure out what she wants is key.  You've offered her an out and now you need to wait until she decides what she wants.  If either of you can't be attracted to other women then it is better to end it now, but sometimes people can surprise us.

I told my wife the exact same thing three and a half years ago.  I fully expected to be finding a hotel room that night, but we are still happily together.  It took a very long time and at first I felt I was moving through molasses.  I didn't even have my first therapy visit to talk about trans issues for over 2 years.  However because I gave her  time to sort through her feelings, now she is ready for me to move as fast as possible too.  At this point we're just waiting on $ to afford GCS and she is fully on board.  When closer friends ask her about intimacy issues she actually now tells them that she has had better lesbian sex than she ever had straight sex because we are both together and present in the moment and I'm not withdrawn.

Unfortunately we can't really help you until she decides where her future lies.  If she is acceptable to a relationship as you become your true self then there is a lot of advice we can offer, but for now you just need to let her decide.

I hope you are able to stay together and make it work.  If not then I hope you can remain friends and work through the breakup with as little pain as possible.

Thanks Jeneva. Knowing that someone has made it through together is helpful. I am trying my best to take thing slow for her. It is just so hard since what I have always wanted is now within reach.

this is why i only ever date bisexuals

i want the person i date to see me as a person not as a gender , i dont view my brain and my soul to be female or male . even though in this life i feel more comfortable with a vessel that looks more feminine and the social role , of that suites me better i dont really see myself as male or female and reject the gender binary , if anything i consider myself something thats not quite female , not quite male but more a " third gender "

even if i completely went the whole way had srs everything, passed 100 percent look exactly like a beautifal genetic woman . internally id still feel the exact way i just described

i probably wont ever get srs , who knows nothing in this life is concrete ? but for the exactly reasons i described i would prefer to date someone who is trully bisexual , than someone who is fixed on a " ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- " fetish becuase id want to be with someone who sees me as a me the individual not fetishizes one element of who they think i am or one of my body parts

the man im with loves me for me and not the " transgender thing " and if it ever ended with him if i couldnt  find someone else who could give me that same quality again , id rather be single for life

not all men are ruled by their sex drives , i know quite a few males who have very low libido and little to no interest :p you can't generise  based on gender like that

i like tall , james dean type " pretty boys " from a sexual standpoint but it doesnt mean im going to date a guy based on that quality alone , id go for a short pudgey guy who i connected with mentally more over the former

one of my straight male friends has little to no libido :p i wasnt talking about gay men at all but just men in general and how some have very high libidos and some dont , just like women , one of my best friends lives walks and breathes sex shes constantly checking out guys and thinking dirty thoughts . 

some men have high libidos some dont , its just the same as women do, and some dont

 I believe that the extent that men are guided by sex is ... smaller than one may infer of your opinion, Hooter. Perhaps I know men (and people) a lot less than I thought I did, but I'm willing to bet that I'm right on this.

Oh, and furthermore...

Quote from: TheHootersShow on May 23, 2012, 02:22:20 AM
REDACTED

Double standards are double. If one person's friends aren't to be brought into a conversation, then yours are equally [in]valid.

Anyway. I don't disclose my trans status until the relationship has progressed to a certain level; I use it as a test, or filter. Those who run away were never worth it in the first place... though I am picky about relationships in other ways as well. Being somewhat paranoid does that.

Furthermore... if I found out that being transgender meant that I had some sort of "masculine presence" or mentality or some other similar thing to a potential lover, and that that was a significant reason why he/she liked me, then my trust for that person would be greatly damaged and possibly irreparable - it may be a preference, but dysphoria is dysphoria. When I was presented male, I felt insulted every time someone called me "he", and I cringed whenever I had to speak. I became quiet and antisocial. I refuse to be in a relationship where my being trans is a big reason for its existance.

Quote from: TheHootersShow on May 23, 2012, 02:32:06 AM
REDACTED

It'll be pretty hard to take you seriously from now on.

On topic... I think that it would be unfair to transition and expect a straight (or even a bi) woman to be on-board (most of the time). I would never get into a relationship without telling a person beforehand, if I were still pre-full-time, and the rule still applies. If they end up not being into me as a result, then I can understand and accept that; I may be stung, or torn to shreds, depending on the person, but my transition has always been the most important thing to me. I don't benefit enough from friends or lovers to put it off in any circumstance - so if I lose them, then I have no control over their leaving.

Time for another breather.

I have unlocked the thread, after deleting, modifying, or redacting all of the posts by TheHootersShow.
Hooter participated in a flame war and changed his avatar to an offensive photograph.

I apologize that the thread will now be disjointed.

 If she is not attracted to woman, she never will be.  In fact may even be repulsed that all this time she was with a woman instead of a man.

Its not transphobia, or anything evil just a fact of nature.  Sooner you part ways emotionally the better off you will be and she will be.  She might hold onto the idea that you will change your mind(not healthy for either of you) and you hold on to the idea that she will change her sexuality which is akin to trying to bust open a tank with a rock.

Good news is just because you're transgendered doesn't mean Lesbians will be repulsed by you.  Some might, and it could be a tough road but at the end of the day your better off with someone that makes you feel beautiful than someone that makes you feel masculine.

Of course its not as easy as it sounds, especially with hormones changing you.  You will learn how to cry, and cry well! But  crying makes you feel better.