I never ever thought I would be saying this but I have my first appointment with a therapist on Saturday and I have to say I'm scared.  Lately I've been experiencing a little depression, a little sadness and sudden bouts of crying, mostly when I think about my gender issues and it's been gradually getting worse.  So I'm scared of what I may find out (or maybe I should say finally admit) about myself once I start working with her but at the same time, I'm scared there's nothing to find out (admit).  Does that make any sense at all or am I just acting psychotic?

Beverly

BeverlyAnn,

It is understandable to be scared about going to the therapist.  It could be a major step in an experience that will change your whole life.  If you determine that you are TS, the rest of your life may never be the same.  On the other hand, if you find you aren't, then that raises another set of issues that could have farther reaching effects.  Then again, chances are that you are just you, and however you feel is exactly what you are supposed to be feeling.

In any case, hang in there and be proud of yourself for having the courage to learn more about who you are.  I know that we are proud of you.

Hugs.....Laurie

Beverly,

You are not alone in this - I have been scared for months. I have seen what depression does and that is scary. I have thought about ending my lifeand that is scary. I have thought about transistion and that is also scary. There are no options that I like  and I am scared. Whatever I do I am going to be on medication for some time and I hate that with a passion.

Alice

Heck, no, you're not psychotic.  What you are experiencing is prefectly normal.  You are taking a step on a road that you cannot see the end of.  I was terrified on my first therapist visit, but that was partly from my experience as a child being dragged off to see a therapist about "my problem."  It's not going to be nearly as painfull as your imagination is painting it.  And Erin doesn't bite.  Also if anyone is going to stick in there with you, I believe the Dee will.  Hang in there, hon.

Awl Beverly, all perfectly normal. You're opening up the proverbial can of worms, not knowing where it's going to lead, but knowing you can never go BACK after this. Once it's out - whatever you discover - it's out and can't be ignored. That takes SUCH courage, such bravery to do!

But the rewards... of knowing who you are at last. Priceless

~Kate~

Yes, knowing what's going on is such a relief, even if it turns out something painful. Definitely worth it.

Still, the idea of getting to the bottom of it is such a scary thing, easily the scariest thing ever. Remember, there is a reason why you haven't done it in the past -- just like there is a reason why it takes so many of us so many years to finally get the courage to start dealing with this.

Hugs,
  Nfr

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on April 24, 2007, 10:23:25 PM
I never ever thought I would be saying this but I have my first appointment with a therapist on Saturday and I have to say I'm scared.  Lately I've been experiencing a little depression, a little sadness and sudden bouts of crying, mostly when I think about my gender issues and it's been gradually getting worse.  So I'm scared of what I may find out (or maybe I should say finally admit) about myself once I start working with her but at the same time, I'm scared there's nothing to find out (admit).  Does that make any sense at all or am I just acting psychotic?

Beverly

I am seeing my therapist for the 2nd time tomorrow and I am feeling the same kinds of feelings. Seeing that you have similar feelings about it makes me feel a little relieved, because it is more likely that we are both normal than both psychotic. 

But, I am glad I started going. I can't wait to go tomorrow. I do feel like I am moving forward even though nothing much happened with my 1st session. Going to that 1st session was a big kinda road block for me. To take the initiative and go says a lot about my lazy behind. The rest will be easier (I think) because I feel more relaxed amd comfortable about it now.

Good luck on your 1st appointment!! Best wishes. You'll be fine!

Hugz

Beverly Ann,

That takes courage even if you are scared.  Thanks for sharing.

W

I was seeing a therapist for about seven years.  Mostly for depression. 

The first session is filled with a lot of preliminary stuff.  Laying down the ground rules, filling out forms, this is why I want to be treated statements, and for the therapist this is what I treat statements.  Don't expect many tears.  They come later.

Ask for credentials. Look at the diplomas.  Do they have any experience with GID?

If you like them & they like you can plan a second session.

The therapist will help you decide what you want to do.  He or she should help you sort through all your feelings.  You are going to experience some tears as you go through the discovery process.  The emotions can get intense.  But you'll find out things about your self that you didn't know.  In the end, you'll feel much better.  You can come up with a plan for your future and have no doubts that its the right plan for you.

In my opinion, if the therapist tells you to do something unrelated to helping you discover yourself then its time to boogie.  For instance: "get a divorce", "get GRS", "start/stop going full time".  Those are all your decisions.  Instead, they should ask how you feel about GRS/divorce/full time/whatever and let you come to your own decision.

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on April 24, 2007, 10:23:25 PMSo I'm scared of what I may find out (or maybe I should say finally admit) about myself once I start working with her but at the same time, I'm scared there's nothing to find out (admit).  Does that make any sense at all or am I just acting psychotic?

I had the exact same thought Beverly but not in the first session. It was over three session. Talking with someone who is trained in helping me be honest with myself brought back a lot of memories and I shared them with her. It was scary and affirming at the same time. This last visit, I was having doubts about even being really TG because I was having a pretty good week (I wasn't obsessing my TG) and she was able to tell me that "no, you still have some work to do. You can't hide from this anymore". She called me to task so I'm still moving forward.

I really think you'll enjoy your visit on Saturday.

Debbie

Quote from: TreeFlower on April 25, 2007, 03:39:56 PM
Ask for credentials. Look at the diplomas.  Do they have any experience with GID?

Thank you everyone for your support and words of wisdom.  I'm feeling a little better about it today but Kate is right.  It's that can of worms that scares me and not being able to get the lid back on.

Lisbeth, true that Dee will hang in there.  She as much as told me that the other night.

Treeflower, yes she has experience with GID with somewhere between 50 and 100 clients she's worked with who had some form of gender dysphoria and she used to sing in the Atlanta Boys Choir.

Beverly

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on April 25, 2007, 05:09:17 PM

Treeflower, yes she has experience with GID with somewhere between 50 and 100 clients she's worked with who had some form of gender dysphoria and she used to sing in the Atlanta Boys Choir.

Beverly

They let little girls in the boys choir?  How brave of them!  <WINK>

Cindi

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on April 24, 2007, 10:23:25 PM
I never ever thought I would be saying this but I have my first appointment with a therapist on Saturday and I have to say I'm scared.  Lately I've been experiencing a little depression, a little sadness and sudden bouts of crying, mostly when I think about my gender issues and it's been gradually getting worse.  So I'm scared of what I may find out (or maybe I should say finally admit) about myself once I start working with her but at the same time, I'm scared there's nothing to find out (admit).  Does that make any sense at all or am I just acting psychotic?

Beverly

Beverly Ann,

You sound completely normal to me.  I thought I was going to have kittens the first time I met with my counselor!  ( I guess you could say I was almost cat-atonic over it!   )

The hardest hurdle is to talk with a stranger about who you are.  Lord knows that I probably sounded like a real dolt at my first session.

It gets better after that.  And the goal is "simple" - find out who you really are.  If s/he is good at what they do, you will be the one doing the work.  The counselor is there to help keep you honest with yourself.

Good luck.

CHaunte

Quote from: Cindi Jones on April 25, 2007, 05:57:08 PM
They let little girls in the boys choir?  How brave of them!  <WINK>

Yep, they sure did only they didn't know it at the time because she was doing a darn good impression of a boy. At least in public.  <WINK><WINK>

Beverly

BeverlyAnn;

At some point you'll start looking forward to your sessions.  I've found mine to be one of the more accurate mirrors I've looked into.  We're all self-delusional.  For instance, I tell her things that happened and, if I had some part to play on making something worse, or reacted when I could have avoided, she doesn't hesitate to let me know what I did in a non-judgmental way.  And I have to sit there and look at what happened in a new light and -- admit -- to myself that I messed it up.  It makes it more likely I won't do it again in any similar future situations.

Of course, your mileage may vary 

Karen

Bev-
this is so so so so normal! I was so terrified that the therapist I saw would see me as a psychotic bipolar looney and not allow me to progress with treatment for GID-- instead, she helped me work through the issues that have developed of having a depressive disorder ALONG with being TS and all the feelings that stem from being afraid all the time, and feeling inadaquate and a million other things.
I started therapy afraid that it would limit me- but I've found that it has really expanded my way of thinking about myself and my environment. Therapy is one of the few things I really agree with in the HBSOC, I really think ALL people can benefit from therapy but people with GID especially reap the benefits.

Good luck with your first session, and be sure to tell us how it goes!

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on April 24, 2007, 10:23:25 PM
I never ever thought I would be saying this but I have my first appointment with a therapist on Saturday and I have to say I'm scared.  Lately I've been experiencing a little depression, a little sadness and sudden bouts of crying, mostly when I think about my gender issues and it's been gradually getting worse.  So I'm scared of what I may find out (or maybe I should say finally admit) about myself once I start working with her but at the same time, I'm scared there's nothing to find out (admit).  Does that make any sense at all or am I just acting psychotic?

Beverly

Bev, listen....of course you're scared.  But no, not psychotic.  After this first session, you will be relieved.  You'll know that your therapist is there to help you sort things out, some things, I think, you probably are already aware of on some level.
It's a good thing for you to get attention for your depression.  Believe me, I know from very close experience just what kind of damage a serious depression can inflict on a person, in my case, a person I love dearly.
I'm happy you are getting help on both fronts, you gender identity, and your depression.  Both of these conditions can be treated....



A returned prayer for you, dear.

Write me any time....you know the addy

Beverly Michelle

It does take lots of courage and determination to talk about your most private feelings with a perfect stranger.  I sympathize with your situation and wish you good fortune.

B

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on April 24, 2007, 10:23:25 PM
I never ever thought I would be saying this but I have my first appointment with a therapist on Saturday and I have to say I'm scared.  Lately I've been experiencing a little depression, a little sadness and sudden bouts of crying, mostly when I think about my gender issues and it's been gradually getting worse.  So I'm scared of what I may find out (or maybe I should say finally admit) about myself once I start working with her but at the same time, I'm scared there's nothing to find out (admit).  Does that make any sense at all or am I just acting psychotic?

Beverly

Fear.

I'm afraid that I am all too familiar with it.

But mine was the inverse reaction when I finally understood who and what I am, back in 2005. I was euphoric.

My fear came into play when after an ensuing 'honeymoon' period, I slowly began to realize and then adamantly fought to deny the inevitabilities which would result.

One of which, the death of my marriage, has already been realized.

Fear still exists to a degree; fear of the unknown...

But there is no escape from it, so I must instead be proactive and assertive about my future.

You're not psychotic and you should not apply the adjective to yourself; it is unhealthy and it just isn't true, hon. 

Your sentiment and fear is quite understandable - and normal.

You're not alone, girl. You need to remember that. 

Hi Beverly,

I'm scarred to death as well, my 1st appointment is in 6 weeks this coming Monday. I think its the not knowing what will be asked, where it will go, type of thing for me. I was scarred to death telling my wife too, but that turned out better than expected and she is supporting me, even said she would go with me.

In a funny way I am looking forward to it but as I say, "SCARRED TO DEATH" about what will come out. I think as all have said here, "its a natural response." not psychotic.

Hugs and kisses

Nigella