Wow.  It's amazing what a couple of words can do.  Just some quick background... I go full time in August, and am also having FFS and BA done.  I've been working on my voice with a voice therapist, so everything is coming along nicely.  And even though I get ma'amd all the time now, I still am sort of my male mode from time to time.... especially with the voice. 

Sooooooo.....  There was a retirement ceremony at work yesterday, and so many people came up to me (especially people I haven't seen in a while) and were saying how proud they were of me, and how excited they are to see Aubrey every day 100%.  It was a good day, especially since I was down for the last week or so. (Stupid hormones).

Anyway, I was talking to my ex girlfriend that night, who happens to be one of my soul mates. We have an amazing and profound connection.  Even though she is married now, we still talk regularly... we can still sense things in each other even when we're not talking... it's truly amazing.  She's been so supportive of all this, and actually is very happy for me.  She tells me all the time just how much it's the right thing for me to do.

Well, she was talking to me, and I was joking around with her, and she begins to cry and says "I'm going to miss you.  Your voice, your laugh, the way you call me "honey"...."  Well, that was it.  Game over.  I broke down at work for about 20 minutes crying inconsolably.  She apologized, and said that it was a selfish thing to say, but it just overcame her at that moment.  I told her it was ok, that she needs to tell me what she is feeling......... but at that moment, I feel like I died inside.  Like my connection with her will somehow be broken once I am female.  I seriously began questioning everything.....

And I cried and cried, and then, I cried some more.  I just can't believe that one little comment could rip me up so deep inside, especially at the point I'm at now.  Was this just me overreacting?  Is it normal?  Does it get this hard right before you commit to the other gender full time?

She and I will always love each other, and we both realize that although we are soul mates, it was not our time to be together.  Our connection probably made this harder on me than if anyone in the world would have said it; my daughter included.

WTF?  Anyone else have moments like this just prior to full time?  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.  Needed it.  I figured typing would be better than crying... 

so sorry Aubrey!

But I am quite proud of how you are doing!!!

Yes, my wife said pretty much the same words with a whipped puppy look on her face, I had the same reaction as you did, and after I gathered my thoughts back I kept reassuring her that "I" will still be here for her, when we met I was just the girl hiding in the boy disguise, now she looks at me with my hair longer, painted nails, pretty female clothes and she says "you are turning into someone else right before my eyes" she is getting better as time goes by but she has "off days" when its hard for her to except.

Neither of us are going anywhere so we will work out what ever we have to do to make the two of us happy.

I can completely relate. And just not before going 24/7 either. To this day after almost 4 years FT, I still every now and then have a close friend or family member say I really miss when you used to _____ or when *insert old male name here* used to do ______. And depending on the time and person saying this to me... emotions can and will go off. I do my best to tell them and try to explain to them that at my core I'm the same person, with the same values, same life experiences, likes, dislikes, etc. No one died. I'm still here... just in a slightly different wrapper with a few upgrades.


However, I'm not sure they see it the same way I do. It's tough. No other way about it. 

You just need to place comfort in her by saying you'll still be the same person, just more gorgeous

Quote from: Tyler on May 25, 2012, 09:37:39 PM
You just need to place comfort in her by saying you'll still be the same person, just more gorgeous

I like that!

Thanks everyone.  Feeling a bit better today...  a mind is a terrible thing... lol.  I guess it's like my therapist told me, it's not the last step, it's just the next step.

And when I looked at my work calendar today, and saw only two months left..... yeah, I felt that full freak out mode coming on.