I am having constant fights with my mother, we both have our worries and anxiety's about our move to San Francisco, i'm at a war with my own mind whether i'm ugly or not, whether when i go over to San Francisco i will be accepted as Female, maybe even seen as a cisgender so i can find the thing i have been searching for...peace, i relapse from a past addiction (i don't want to say what it is but some of you might know but never bring it up). I feel like a fool, i feel like nobody here likes me because of my lack of confidence and uncertainty about my looks.

I just wish i find here a supportive group of people, i heard "real" support groups are bad although i've never been told why. I hate myself, i'm relaxed now after what i did, i pray it stays that way...at least my act was for something.

I like you Donna!

We all have our insecurities and show them in different ways, gawd knows I have my own issues to deal with

I'm sure there are plenty of us here that will stand by you when you need it most!, we can plainly see how pretty you are...and one day you will also!

So...come to San Francisco where you will fit in quite well, don't look back, and enjoy a new life here!

I for one would like to meet you and say "welcome to the area"

Hi again Donna,

You have lots of friends here. I certainly regard you as a friend. And I feel very privileged to know you.

As a group we suffer from all sorts of issues, insecurity being quite common, depression is very common. Not accepting ourselves is also common. But with time we overcome those issues, as will you.

I have visited SF, as you may know I live in Australia, and I found SF to be a fascinating and fun place. I found people to be very friendly and very open, and very accepting. There is a very large homosexual community which is very accepting and I believe SF is one of the most friendly cities in the world for people who may be 'different'.

I think you will grow and develop there. There are quite a few SF girls at Susan's and I'm sure you cam meet up with some, which will do you a world of good. I see Michelle is already ready to welcome you.

Hugs

Cindy

I wasn't going to say anything here, but I feel I probably should.

You're not a fool, Donna. You have very many qualities that make you a special human being. You just can't see them. However, I can't help feeling like your uncertainty about your looks is masking a deeper issue, one you don't want to confront. You say that you're having a constant war with your mind about whether you're ugly. I have to ask, is that purely about the way you look, or is it something else?

Going by your other posts, I get the feeling from you that you see your looks as the key to you being accepted by other people. The way you speak about your life, it feels as though you believe you have nothing else going for you. You feel people ignore you, you have no outlet to express yourself, and you think you're being a nuisance by speaking about the way you feel. This suggests that you're not allowed to talk about your feelings, and that those around you sometimes don't even acknowledge that you have them, that you're a living, breathing person with wants and needs. Your fears are dismissed as trivial or inconsequential and, to all intents and purposes you're simply not allowed to be you.

I have to wonder, does this manifest into a belief that if you could somehow achieve perfection then people would start to take you seriously, and listen to you? The belief that if you were the very embodiment of physical beauty then people would pay more attention to you and attribute more worth to who you are?

Others can tell you that you're stunning, and that you're quite incredibly beautiful, but if that's not the real issue then you won't believe them. Because the circumstances that actually make you feel the way you do will remain unaddressed. And it can become like another form of addiction. It makes you feel good to hear others tell you you're not ugly, but then the feeling passes as your mind once again begins to doubt itself. So you look for another shot of affirmation from others, which makes you feel good again for a little bit, and then back to the self-hatred. It's a cycle, sweetie, and you have to break it.

It isn't confidence you're lacking, it's self esteem. It's self belief. The knowledge of what makes you valuable as a human being, beyond looks. Physical beauty is superficial, and fleeting. It's like trying to hold onto sand, or smoke. You need to find what makes you beautiful inside. What you give to the world by sheer virtue of being in it. Then you won't need reassurance from others, hon.

Being supportive isn't always telling someone what they want to hear to make them feel good. As the saying goes:

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."

You have to learn how to love yourself, sweetie. How to overcome the real ugliness that you perhaps percieve within yourself that's stopping you from truly being at peace.

*big hug*

QuoteBeing supportive isn't always telling someone what they want to hear to make them feel good.

I know that sweetie but i don't want to be scolded, it makes me feel like i'm not liked. I come here to rant because i have no one to talk to, in my house i live with only my mother, if i tell her my problems, she get's aggressive and before we know it, we are screaming at each other.

Quote from: DonnaTroy on May 26, 2012, 05:36:13 AM
I know that sweetie but i don't want to be scolded, it makes me feel like i'm not liked. I come here to rant because i have no one to talk to, in my house i live with only my mother, if i tell her my problems, she get's aggressive and before we know it, we are screaming at each other.

That's my point. It's not about being scolded either. Supporting someone means being there for them, either with advice, comfort, or even just to listen, while they deal with the problems they face in their lives, and drawing on one's own experiences in order to facilitate that.

The way your mother is with you kinda illustrates what I'm talking about.

Tell me about yourself, Donna. Not about your looks or anything, just about... well, you. What makes you tick? What things do you like? Who are your heroes or heroines in life?

I don't know how to say what makes me tick, my hero is probably Kurt Cobain cause he didn't care about other's and did what he felt like doing, was pure in his music never giving in to the norms of Popular music at the time, this is all my opinion of course, probably people here don't know him.

Well, when it comes to the things you find resonance with, your opinion is really all that matters.

Do you have any Nirvava albums? Are there any of the songs which strike a chord with you?

Also, what would you say are traits about yourself that you'd like to have, that Kurt had? If you could, I mean.

I have to echo what Sephirah has been saying. I'll add my own slant.

I love reading your posts. You sound like an interesting person with an interesting life.

But I hear you mention addiction. I wonder if posting negative comments about yourself is something of an addiction. You see our responses, see how much we accept you (and we do. You are a beautiful human being) and it feels good enough that you can ignore for the moment the negative messages you are giving yourself.

In my past, I experienced some unusual addictions. It took me years to discover that they were a way to turn off the bad messages I was giving myself. When I learned to turn those off without addictions, my addiction was no longer necessary

I hope this doesn't sound like a scold. Donna, I want you to have the best of everything in life, and the best I can do to help you along is to tell you what worked for me and to be honest about what I think.

Keep posting. I know you're beautiful, wonderful, and interesting, but it isn't going to do you any good to hear me say it until you hear yourself say it.

Thank you girls, i think i'm pretty sure that this thing isn't an addiction or the addiction i was talking about...was jeez i really don't want to say what i relapse on but i assure you i am not fishing for compliments, if they come they come, if they don't they don't.

Quote
Also, what would you say are traits about yourself that you'd like to have, that Kurt had? If you could, I mean.

Not giving an "F", doing what i feel like and defying those who try to chain me down.

Standing out often makes one a target of ridicule. My high school years were hell. At 12 y/o when I started I was already 5'9" and weighed around 130 lbs. All fat. I was at least 4 inches taller then the rest of my class mates. Add in the blubber-boy factor, glasses, and a stutter you get instant target. I had plenty of self-esteem issues as it was between feeling most of my life I should have been born a girl, doing plenty of dumb things that often landed me in the ER, plus a host of other things making me far from the ideal child. My parents should have stopped after 2 when they had one of each.

That lack of self-esteem still effects me some to this day. It pretty much sunk both of my attempts in my 20's when I experimented with transitioning. I had no faith in myself. All I saw was a continued life of being teased, scorned and likely worse.

You'll do great in SF. Your height will be a total non-issue there. Especially for a young woman. My 6ft height in flats don't rate a second glance for me in red-neck West Virginia. I almost never wear flats 

The support group I found here has been a life changer. The group has helped me immensely in coming to terms with being trans, overall self acceptance, and providing the spiritual and emotional strength to pick up what I put behind me, actually abandoned, decades ago. Now being totally shocked over how easy it is for me pass and be accepted as a woman. My only regret about it is is that we meet just once a month. I love them all and wish we can spend every weekend together. Whenever the excrement hits the air handler I know they are just a phone call or email away to help.

I think Sephirah and Agfrommd are making some good suggestions.  They may sound a bit rough if you are in a sensitive frame of mind, but they are not.  They seem to truly care about you, and are trying to get you to point out the positives in yourself.  Having confidence in yourself will cause people to see you as you want them to.  A lot of people do not realize that the emotions they are feeling on the inside change how they are presenting on the outside.  This is true with all people unless you have been trained to totally control your body language. 

Since I am still new to Sunsan's Place, I do not know of your past posts.  So, the only things I know about you are from this thread.  I would like to hear some more about you.  Maybe get to know the real you a bit.

Quote from: DonnaTroy on May 26, 2012, 07:20:23 AM
Not giving an "F", doing what i feel like and defying those who try to chain me down.

Okay, so the next question is: why do you think you can't have those traits?

I'm not brave enough, i don't have the self confidence nor the assertiveness, plus i really want to be pretty just to be pretty...like i'm looking at the girl at your ava wishing i looked like that, arghhhh this is so frustrattating. I just want to hide in a hole and come out when it's safe .

Quote from: DonnaTroy on May 26, 2012, 01:12:52 PM
I'm not brave enough, i don't have the self confidence nor the assertiveness

If that were true, you would not be where you are now, sweetie. It takes self confidence to realise that the way you feel isn't how it's supposed to be - and to stand firm in that belief. It takes assertiveness to refuse to play a role you're not equipped for even though it would be the easy option. It takes courage to do initiate change - to put the thoughts and feelings into action in order to create a better life for yourself.

I believe you have all three. Far more than you give yourself credit for, all inside you.

Quote from: DonnaTroy on May 26, 2012, 01:12:52 PM
like i'm looking at the girl at your ava wishing i looked like that

I was just thinking the exact same thing about yours.