I didn't fit in with the group of "smart" girls at school when I tried to fit in with them.  I wanted to be a friend, to be treated as any other girl among them, even though I was presenting completely male(though rather andro).  They rejected me - I think they saw me as more of a dude trying to get in their pants than anything else(which I was for some, not for others).  I hated being told that I "didn't understand" what it was like to be a girl...or that I'd never understand.  Well, now I do.

I guess if I had to sum it up, dysphoria and growing up left me feeling repressed, alone, and disconnected from society and reality in general.  When I was 9 and started questioning in California, my friends didn't tease or make fun of me, but that wasn't the case when I eventually moved away to Georgia, and eventually Texas.  At some point I came to the conclusion that transition would only make things worse, and bottled everything up as much as possible.

Awful because I never fit in and was alone with my struggles. I was continually harassed and beaten up. I was very small and feminine looking so boys laughed at me and called me a girl (how right they were). My only friends were girls. I knew I was a girl inside but I hid it because I was ashamed and when my mother caught me in her underwear I was severely disciplined. I longed for all things feminine and wanted to dress as a girl but had to survive as a boy. Ironically my small stature and soft features are a real plus now.

Hm... 20-25 words. I guess mine would go as follows.

QuoteUnable to interact with others, I locked myself up in my own imagination for 17 years. Then I tried to open the door, only to find four years' worth of walls to dig through. On the other side awaits a world I am not yet able to muster.

Twice the recommended amount, but well... 20 words isn't a lot!

Like short version... of Schiller's "Glocke"

"Loch in Erde, Bronze rin, Glocke fertig, Bim, bim, bim"

(Hole in the ground, put in bronze, bell ready, Bim, bim, bim)

The point?

Schiller's "Glocke" is one of THE longest known poems in German... hum.

Having transitioned at 64... only, - I'd run overtime in telling, and in any case, who'd care?
So I'm done telling for sure, and I'm hardly grown up...

Axélle

Quote from: Connie Anne on February 14, 2012, 04:30:09 PM
In my early school years, between 5 and 7 years old, I thought something like "Oh, well, I was born a boy I'll just have to be a boy." I would learn early on to avoid anything that would label me a sissy.

During puberty I'd wish and even pray that I'd get some strange disease for which the only possible cure would have been a "sex-change." Through most of my teen years and early adulthood I'd think I just had some bizarre kink where I thought females were so attractive I wanted to be one sometimes. I wrote it off as a fetish.

I can totally relate to ALL of what you say, but that 'strange disease' thing really put a smile on my face ... I thought I was the only one who wanted it. But I suspect it might have been an epidemic!

This is all wonderful! Feel free to keep em coming
The video piece was made and shown in a gallery exhibition this past march. It can be seen here http://cargocollective.com/charlotteryan/revisiting-dysphoria . Now I want to put the words and experiences to even more use and create a series of etching prints incorporating them once back at school. So feel free to keep these coming!!! And I'll share the finished product once it is done with

Quote from: cryan91 on May 28, 2012, 09:23:11 PM
This is all wonderful! Feel free to keep em coming
The video piece was made and shown in a gallery exhibition this past march. It can be seen here http://cargocollective.com/charlotteryan/revisiting-dysphoria . Now I want to put the words and experiences to even more use and create a series of etching prints incorporating them once back at school. So feel free to keep these coming!!! And I'll share the finished product once it is done with

The film was interesting, to say the least.  Midway through, I kept asking my self, "How does she not suffocate?"

The only "trans" related thing that I remember as a teen was when I masturbated...I'd imagine rubbing my labia with one hand (rubbing the thigh/crotch), and my other hand was the vagina, and the penis was someone else's, not mine.

My childhood was too traumatic for me to write about at this time; sex abuse, emotional abuse, drunken rages and profound mental illness.

For years. Years.

Rubbish. Picked on from school peers, and even my own family because of how I acted and looked feminine. That was until I stopped caring, and started to rebel, and pretty much treated everybody like dirt. After that, people treated me like I was the coolest person the planet... 

I gave all of the teachers crap though until each one found out ways to flunk me. In fact, even my art teacher flunked me, and then stole my art work to place in contests under her name. Super lame. Because of that, I was sent off to a private school.

Possibly one of the most difficult times in my life. But, I keep looking back at that point and thinking to myself how much stronger of a person I was.

But, can't dwell in the past!!

Surrounded by people yet totally isolated. Trapped inside my mind. Relying on intellect, intuition and imagination.

To quote Lord Byron: "I stood among them, but not of them; in a shroud of thoughts which were not their thoughts."

things around me slowly but surely got smaller, I could reach things higher and higher up on shelves and my clothes seemed to keep shrinking.

constant confusion
alone
sadness
anger
more confusion
hiding
silence
not daring to speak or act
friendless, by choice
alien
again confusion
dark

(20 words)